WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

[SelectAUserName]

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. :(

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. :(

[Sophita]

I had this conversation with someone not long enough ago...

Me: so yeah, DP has left me for a new girlfriend

So-called friend: Oh right, that'd be the blonde girl I saw him with in John Lewis. I thought they looked very friendly, but then Other Friend saw them too and we thought best not to cause a scene by telling you [am barely even paraphrasing / exaggerating]

Me: [what the fuck face]

I really wish I'd had someone around as brave and honest as you. I think you did a difficult thing as best you could. Hope you're ok.

[Bogeyface]

It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble

No no no.

Her bubble was burst the second her sleazebag husband stuck his tongue (and lets face it, probably his dick as well) into someone else. She just didnt know it.

She needed someone who cared about her to let her know. Worst case scenario is that she finds out via gossip from people who dont give a shit, or the OW. This way she found out in a reasonably controlled way from someone who has no axe to grind and no stake in what happens. You feel bad for telling her, but imagine how much worse you would feel if he left or the OW turned up on her doorstep and you hadnt told her.

You have saved her from much worse heartache.

[InternationalPower]

TBF things could be described as "not great" if she's just confronted him with accusations which are untrue, although I accept that might be clutching at straws.

OP, have you spoken to the friend who took/posted the pictures? Why did she not realise the significance of their content?

[Bogeyface]

Just a thought, the person who posted the photos isnt the OW is she? Or a different OW who wants him "outed"?

[fuzzpig]

Oh no :(

[tillyo]

You did the right thing. I would want to know and it might just be a drunken kiss now and you might have stopped it becoming a full blown affair. Hope your friend is ok x

[ViviPru]

This way she found out in a reasonably controlled way from someone who has no axe to grind and no stake in what happens.

A really good point

[meditrina]

it might just be a drunken kiss now and you might have stopped it becoming a full blown affair

This is a very good point.

[lborolass]

Hopefully she will now feel she has a friend she can trust to help her through whatever is happening with her H.

The fact that they allowed themselves to be photographed even in the background suggests to me that maybe it was a drunken encounter. If two co workers were having an ongoing affair wouldn't they want to keep it a secret?

[Merel]

Not been in this situation myself, but I imagine I would feel doubly betrayed if I found out one of my friends had kept my partner's affair secret from me. If you decide not to say anything now, and then find out they are having issues down the line, just make sure you never tell her that you already knew.

[Merel]

Sorry only just realised there are 7 pages already! Ignore post above. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

[Bogeyface]

It might be a drunken snog, it might be a full on affair, it might be any number of things. But the point is that now she knows, she can deal with it as she feels appropriate. Without the OP telling her then she would have been blissfully unaware that she was being cheated on, and yes a drunken snog is still cheating.

[Lilacroses]

Look OP, you did the right thing. I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting to be told if they were in your friend's situation. I was in that situation about 10 years ago and still feel resentful and let down that friends knew what was going on and didn't tell me. It's like another betrayal on top of my ex DP's betrayal. The photos you describe do not sound particularly subtle or easy to misconstrue....full on snogging?! It's not like you simply heard a rumour. You did something really brave and caring. I'm so sorry for you friend.

[Ezio]

OP, i know you feel shit, but you given your friend knowledge, now she can make an informed choice on what was she does with that knowledge.

If it is something bad, then alot of people know it, and atleast one person she knew had the good grace to tell her.

[sophiedaal]

It's possible that she already knew - hence, 'things not great' - and this is just confirmation for her?

[internationallove985]

Reasons to tell her
If you don't you may feel somewhat guilty for keeping it from her
she deserves to know
If she finds out that you knew and you didn't tell her what would that do to your freindship
As another poster said if it were her D.H she'd want to know
If you don't tell her someone else will

Reasons not to tell her
If you do and they split up would your friend blame you in someway
Do they have D.C
Is there any chance at all they have an open relationship. They are more common than people think.


I suppose in her case some would say "Ignorance is bliss and in your case. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. xx

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble. I do know it's her sleazy 'D'H who is in the wrong here, but I still don't feel great. You did a brave thing, and chose not to think of yourself and your discomfort but what was in her interests. You could have just left it, but you followed your conscience. Right thing to do!

It occurred to me that I could have messaged the person who uploaded the photos to FB in the first place and asked her about them/his behaviour on the night but I didn't think of that beforehand and now it would feel like gossiping, or at least fishing for gossip, so I think I'll leave it. Agree don't do this. They probably wouldn't have told you anything anyway, would have just panicked and taken the pics down. Possibly told her DH too, etc etc.

Thinking of you and your friend!

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Morning op. I feel so sorry for you and her. Please keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong. He did. You were brave and honest. I think the fact that friend replied so quickly shows she feels that too.

[jaabaar]

What a precious friend you are! Be by her side with a listening ear, but im sure u would do that anyway.

[AnyFucker]

How are things, OP ?

I think you did the right thing. I would want to know, for sure.

As long as you make it clear that whatever your friend does with the information is entirely up to her, you have no expectations whatsoever, will not judge and will support her whatever she decides to do with it.

[Tortoisegirl]

You have done the right thing! I was the last person to find out my exH was seeing his exGF. Everybody, including his family, all knew so I not only had to deal with him leaving, but also had the humiliation of everyone knowing already. Not something I would want anyone else to go through!

[OctopusPete8]

Oh dear, but you have done the right thing.

[SelectAUserName]

Thanks again everyone. Haven't heard from my friend since last night's text but I suspect, sadly, that she's got bigger fish to fry.

I really do appreciate your words of support. I just hope she has some RL equivalents closer to home who she can turn to if he has turned out to be a cheating arse.

[Seenenoughtoknow]

I've been reading this whole thread with interest OP as I had to do a similar thing about a year ago. I did it with a heavy heart, but my reasoning was that if the situation were reversed I would want to know. My friend stayed with her husband, and our friendship suffered awfully, but it is getting better with time, and her husband speaks to me again now.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do OP, and the ONLY thing that gave me any comfort was my husband telling me that I had done the right thing. My friend was being made a fool of, and thankfully that was stopped. I knew our friendship would suffer when I told her, but like you I decided she had a right to know.