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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

190 replies

SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 14:19

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. :(

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. :(

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 20/08/2013 21:26

You have definitely done the right thing. As her friend you had a responsibility not to collude in his secret.

everythinghippie29 · 20/08/2013 21:26

Oh dear, hope its nothing. For what its worth I think you've been a good friend. Thanks

harverina · 20/08/2013 21:30

Select sorry I haven't been back on - but see you have sent a text now anyway...I see what you mean by your concerns that you may come across as being too eager but at least now you will know for sure that she knows. By sending an email you can never be as sure and she may not check them often. Your not being eager, just conscientious I feel.

Hope it works out ok for your friend. Try and relax and not worry about it any more. She will come back to you when she is ready to talk. If she has had a chance to look at her emails she will be dealing with her dh right now, but she may need someone to talk to at some point...and with you not being a really close friend or being in close proximity, you may actually be the one she comes too.

NatashaBee · 20/08/2013 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonaDrag · 20/08/2013 21:39

You have done the right thing. I'm in awe of you as in your situation I probably would have been too cowardly to do so.

OctopusWrangler · 20/08/2013 21:42

I think you did the right thing, I would have wanted to know. Nobody told me, though I later found out all his colleagues assumed we had an open relationship.

Angloamerican · 20/08/2013 21:56

You did the right thing, absolutely.

Famzilla · 20/08/2013 22:01

You have done the right thing. Really, you have.

Bogeyface · 20/08/2013 22:25

The fact that you havent had a reply indicates to me that she didnt know anything about it and the balloon has gone up at her house :(

YOu did the right thing

littlebunnyfriend · 20/08/2013 22:30

Anyone else checked their e-mails in case they are the friend?

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 22:35

Have had a text reply:

"Got your email. Things not great."

Oh shit. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 22:37

Sorry, meant to add I have replied "Really sorry to hear that. So sorry. Am here if you need me."

OP posts:
HarumScarum · 20/08/2013 22:37

It's not really oh shit. Well, it is. But you did the right thing. Nobody would want a friend to keep quiet if they saw something like this, would they? I know I wouldn't.

HurricaneWyn · 20/08/2013 22:38

You did the right thing.

She deserved to know.

I know it's a horrible feeling, like you've brought this trouble to her door, but you didn't, he did. And the fact that she's got back to you, means she doesn't blame you.

HarumScarum · 20/08/2013 22:38

And good reply. Poor woman. Horrible thing for her to have to deal with.

PowerPants · 20/08/2013 22:39

You did the right thing. A friend had to tell me something like this once, I still think of her as my bravest, most honest friend.

impatienttobemummy · 20/08/2013 22:41

You did the right thing I'm not as brave as you

Bogeyface · 20/08/2013 22:41

There is nothing worse than being the last to know, and you have saved her that humiliation. I daresay many people will come out of the woodwork saying "Oh well I did wonder...." or "I saw him once but.......". In the future she will have a special place in her heart for the one person who was brave enough to be straight with her, knowing that she was risking a friendship.

mynewpassion · 20/08/2013 22:42

Was hoping it was just bad camera angles but worst case scenario has happened. I am Sorry for your friend and sorry that you had to be put in this position.

edam · 20/08/2013 22:48

Select - it's sad, but it's her dh who has behaved badly here. The distress is caused by him, the dodgy, brazen fecker. It's awful for your friend, but better she knows the truth now than spends years being cheated on.

towerofjelly · 20/08/2013 22:52

What a horrible situation. You did the right thing and I hope your friend is ok.

FreeWee · 20/08/2013 22:55

Well handled OP. Hope your friend is OK?

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 22:57

I know, you're all right really. It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble. I do know it's her sleazy 'D'H who is in the wrong here, but I still don't feel great.

My poor, poor friend. She's a lovely person, she doesn't deserve this crappy treatment.

It occurred to me that I could have messaged the person who uploaded the photos to FB in the first place and asked her about them/his behaviour on the night but I didn't think of that beforehand and now it would feel like gossiping, or at least fishing for gossip, so I think I'll leave it.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 20/08/2013 22:59

Oh shitting hell Sad. You've done the right thing. Hope you managed to get a bit of GBBO escapism and you manage to find some peace with this.

meditrina · 20/08/2013 23:00

Your friend might not want any further information posted about her.

I think you did the right thing, and I wish you both all the best with whatever comes next.