To not let this boy in my garden?

[strokey]

We live on a really nice estate with a green area just outside our house.

We have a large back garden with playground toys and other children often come into the garden to play with my children, there can be up to fifteen of them at one time

Last week there was an older boy that I didn't recognise who kept spitting (on the ground, not at the other children) I told him to stop, then I saw him doing it again and told him that he would have to go if he did it again, and that it was disgusting. So he does it again, and I told him to go. He called me a fat cunt (not too offensive Im a size 8)

The next day more children come around bit by bit. I kept the back gate locked so they had to knock on the door to come through the house. When this boy turned up again I said he couldn't come in because he was rude.

Most of them are around 5-6-7-8 (mine are 5 and 8) this boy is about 11, the other kids his age don't come in the garden, they stay out with their bikes and are allowed further away then just the green area outside.

Bit later a woman comes round, says she is his mum and he is really upset that hes being left out of the water fight. I explained why, and also said that it was only primary school kids in the garden, none of the older kids come in, and the boys of his age were still outside the communal area.
She said he has got ADHD or ASD (I dont know which) and prefers being with the little ones. I was going to say no sorry, he isn't coming in after that language, but as soon as she mentioned the special needs bit I got worried and caved and said he could come in. She said thanks and that it was horrible to see your child being left out and went off. I think its horrible to be called a cunt in your own garden by someone elses child, but I was too much of a wuss to say so.

By that point the kids were getting over excited with the water sprinkler and the garden was waterlogged, so I took the guns away and turned off the sprinkler. As I was putting it in the garage he followed me and grabbed one end of the hose and wouldn't let go cos he said he hadn't had a turn, I got it from him and rolled it up and put it away, by the time I got back to the garden he had the garden tap on and was flinging buckets of water around. I turned the tap off and he goes over to the sand and starts throwing it manically. He wasn't shouting but was totally out of control and carried on throwing the sand even though I kept saying stop.

I didn't want to chuck just him out so I said they all had to go home now. Yesterday we were out all day, but today they are back here. The boy hasn't turned up yet, but Im waiting for him to and Im just worried about what to say to his mother. She seemed very reasonable and I feel sorry for her, but am not prepared to have him over again. Just wonder if you think IABU. Gosh, sorry its so long

"This is a perfect opportunity to show off our new campaign... This Is My Child"

OMG Ovary CLANGGGGGG

You have the right not to have this child in your garden if you wish, however it is clearly upsetting for his mum who sounds as if she is being pushy out of desperation.

One of the children in our street has challenges dealing with the other children (I suspect SN and I have some experience in that, but his mum has never discussed it with me, and I wouldn't expect her to). This child is welcome to come and play but I know I need to supervise to make sure he's being included in games, that the children are playing games he can understand. I'm happy to do that, but if I can't supervise I will switch on the TV so he can still be there.

Could you supervise the children playing to help him be involved? And as an aside, i think you probably need to be supervising such a big group! I know it's a big thing to ask but it sounds like it would really be kind. Or maybe his mum could stay? She might appreciate a chat?

^^ My post in reference to child with owl toy - although they are all lovely!!!

OMG ViviPru you're not wrong. Those proud parents and lovely kids have me welling up here.

Havnt read the whle thread but firstly i think you were kind to of let him back in again and yanbu to say no for next time.

have to say though,theres no way i would let my 5 6 7 or 8 yr old just wonder into other peoples gardens?do people really do this?

YANBU. If he can control his unpleasant behaviour, consequences e.g. banning are appropriate. If not, he shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised. He is at best a bad example to the younger children, and at worst a danger to them (rough behaviour, strong enough to push past the OP, poor impulse control). Don't let him back in and tell his parents why.

Well you can have whomever you want (or not) in your garden OP but you've handled it very poorly with his mum. You didn't tell her about the swearing, you didn't tell her about the hose and the not listening - you haven't told her anything. She thinks that he's been excluded for spitting on the ground one day. No wonder she is upset.

She is out of line to tell you who can and cant come onto your property but you could have just been straight with her IMO.

I agree by the by that his mum should have stayed and supervised him that second time around to ensure things were going okay for him and everyone else.

A parent with up to 15 children in a backyard is not a teacher or other professional who has been trained to provide inclusion and appropriate learning guidance for children and how to manage that situation appropriately. The child's mother was out of line. She could have came to you before the first visit and talked to you, and put in place a plan to allow this boy to be safely included in the play and be supervised appropriately to guide his interactions.

Special needs or not, expecting another parent to take responsibility for your child, without so much as a "hi, nice to meet you" or asking if it is ok, and also offering to return the favour on occasions is rude. When special accommodations need to be made for that child to play inclusively and appropriately is even more unacceptable.

You have every right to decide who can and can't come in to your garden

but

YABtotallyU not to have attempted to communicate properly with this child's mother because you are too naice to say the words "fat cunt" and explain to her intelligibly why you find his behaviour too challenging to deal with.

BTW - your garden sounds lovely. That's exactly kind of environment I would hope to have for my kids (if that is what they want obviously) when they are a bit older.

Nothing to do with being "too polite" to say fat cunt, obviously its a vulgar word, but Im not that precious that I cant bring myself to speak it.

I just think its an absolutely horrible thing to accuse someone elses child of, and sounds very accusatory.

I would want to DIE if my child used such language.

She seemed quite defensive and angry in the first place and I just didn't want to spell out exactly how disgusting his behaviour was.

Irrelevant anyway, as I don't want him near me if he cant stop spitting

I think id have invited her in, sat her down and told her everything he'd done/said then said sorry but I can't have anyone in here who won't listen when I tell them no as its dangerous fir the other children

Sigh.

Have you checked out the This Is My Child campaign strokey? It's very informative.

At the end of the day it's the op garden and she has every right to say who can or cannot play in her garden. 15 is enough for anyone to watch and if she doesn't want a much bigger stronger child with behavioural issues in her garden then why should she? The other children of that strength and size aren't included.

However i sympathise with the neighbour she's in a tricky situation but I think the blame lies with her. She is clearly aware of a her son's behaviour and should have had the good manners to discuss things with the op initially and should have kept an eye on where he was playing. I can't believe she left him to his own devices and she wasn't aware of where he was playing until it was 'too late'.

I wonder if she'd initially knocked at the door explained that her son likes to play with younger kids etc but can get over excited could she come in to keep an eye on him just in case etc that this whole situation could have been avoided.

Instead of which she flounces up the road complaining.

I think the op has been fair by giving him a second chance, the boys mother is to blame for not supervising him appropriately. It may be harsh but why should much younger children be subjected to rough behaviour etc just because she couldn't be bothered to supervise her son. It's not fair on the little ones.

I don't think anyone has objected to her banning said child from her garden. Of course it's up to her to decide who she wants in her garden. Rather asked her to think a little about how's she's expressing herself. 'Child like that', ' child with special needs should be in a special place' 'not a community programme etc'. It's all a bit unnecessary.

My own son went through a spitting stage (he's severely autistic) & whilst it wasn't exactly a high point it wasn't the worst thing we've had to deal with. It took time to sort out but we got there eventually. It would be nice if the OP could turn the revulsion down a little though - I think we all know how horrible spitting is.

If you want to read more about my son his story is the guest blog sticky at the top or active conversations. Hope it shows that even an ex spitting child-like-that can bring joy to those around them. Mumsnet's campaign is a good one. A better educated public would have helped me enormously in the early years.

Yanbu at all, sn is no excuse for rude and horrid behaviour and I would have told mum so, if it happens again he will not be allowed to come in, or has to be supervised by her. I have a dd 6 who has ASD and Noway would I allow tat behaviour from her.