To not let this boy in my garden?

[strokey]

We live on a really nice estate with a green area just outside our house.

We have a large back garden with playground toys and other children often come into the garden to play with my children, there can be up to fifteen of them at one time

Last week there was an older boy that I didn't recognise who kept spitting (on the ground, not at the other children) I told him to stop, then I saw him doing it again and told him that he would have to go if he did it again, and that it was disgusting. So he does it again, and I told him to go. He called me a fat cunt (not too offensive Im a size 8)

The next day more children come around bit by bit. I kept the back gate locked so they had to knock on the door to come through the house. When this boy turned up again I said he couldn't come in because he was rude.

Most of them are around 5-6-7-8 (mine are 5 and 8) this boy is about 11, the other kids his age don't come in the garden, they stay out with their bikes and are allowed further away then just the green area outside.

Bit later a woman comes round, says she is his mum and he is really upset that hes being left out of the water fight. I explained why, and also said that it was only primary school kids in the garden, none of the older kids come in, and the boys of his age were still outside the communal area.
She said he has got ADHD or ASD (I dont know which) and prefers being with the little ones. I was going to say no sorry, he isn't coming in after that language, but as soon as she mentioned the special needs bit I got worried and caved and said he could come in. She said thanks and that it was horrible to see your child being left out and went off. I think its horrible to be called a cunt in your own garden by someone elses child, but I was too much of a wuss to say so.

By that point the kids were getting over excited with the water sprinkler and the garden was waterlogged, so I took the guns away and turned off the sprinkler. As I was putting it in the garage he followed me and grabbed one end of the hose and wouldn't let go cos he said he hadn't had a turn, I got it from him and rolled it up and put it away, by the time I got back to the garden he had the garden tap on and was flinging buckets of water around. I turned the tap off and he goes over to the sand and starts throwing it manically. He wasn't shouting but was totally out of control and carried on throwing the sand even though I kept saying stop.

I didn't want to chuck just him out so I said they all had to go home now. Yesterday we were out all day, but today they are back here. The boy hasn't turned up yet, but Im waiting for him to and Im just worried about what to say to his mother. She seemed very reasonable and I feel sorry for her, but am not prepared to have him over again. Just wonder if you think IABU. Gosh, sorry its so long

She really is pushing her luck isn't she!

But why aren't you being more assertive? TELL her exactly what he is saying and doing and TELL her that you WILL NOT be responsible for his behaviour, especially around other children who are not your own.

If she wants him to come and play, then she needs to watch him. End of discussion. It's your home, you can set down some rules you know!

I think you should definitely tell her that he called you a fat cunt, you don't have to put up with that in your own garden. I think she is being quite unreasonable actually.

Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD Quaffle. Please don't start on the oh awful parenting not a SN line. Jeez. Have a look at the This is my child campaign.

Agree with what's been says before, but but but...

If all the other children are in playing, and he's the only one left outside... I couldn't do this.

Agree that when it happens again and I think it might with her coming round again, to tell her what he said and it's unacceptable behaviour that you won't tolerate.

Without trying to be a killjoy I also agree about the trampoline and other people's children being supervised or not and you copping the blame in case of an accident.

I really feel for both mums in this case. I too have a child with ASD and I am also the kind of person who would let all and sundry into my garden. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want a child behaving like that in your home. And I definitely operate a "my house my rules" approach.

But my heart is breaking for the poor mum. It's just another activity from which her child is excluded, and she probably feels - as I do - that the burden of parenting this child lies entirely with her, whereas everyone else gets to benefit from "it takes a village to raise a child".

It is a really hard job to explain to a child with ASD why they are excluded from an activity they want to join in with, even if they're excluded for a reason that is nothing to do with them.

Anyway, I think you probably did the right thing, but it makes me feel terribly sad.

I can't believe she thinks she can dictate to you who you can have in your garden. Entitled much?

It's a very fine line to call AnneUul
There are times when I have been worn out and depressed I have parented very poorly and my son's behaviour has escalated because of it. There are times when I have been a very good parent and fought like a lioness to ensure he has the best life I can offer him.
To dismiss the effects of poor parenting is detrimental to tackling the issues around children and SN. It is often a vicious cycle and often in cases of Asd and adhd one or more parents have similar difficulties of their own.
The key to everything is fair, transparent discussion and access to good, effective support and treatment.

To be honest I feel sorry for the OP, the child and his mother.

Is there any way you can just put the toys/ water sprinkler out onto the "nice green area outside your house" and let them all play together out there. That way, there is no comeback if there is an accident, as YOU are not responsible for the children, and the boy is not excluded.

agent it's not all the children playing in OPs garden. Just a certain age group. This boy is older than them. His age group are all outside in the communal area.

OP i think you have had good advise about handling the mother, nothing to add there.

However I would echo being careful about how many kids you have in your garden at once. If something happens to one of them due to numbers/lack of supervision there will be more fall out with other parents.

It is sad, and some of us have been there. But putting emotional pressure on the OP, after she had already made an effort to include him is unfair.
He is at least three years older than her own children, he is not aware of the needs of the others and the OP doesn't know him. If the mother had wanted the child to be included, she should have asked, and said that she would be responsible for his behaviour and the safety/happiness of the other children playing with him.
But she's making the OP feel uncomfortable for her decision, and that just isn't fair.

Anne, I did not suggest that this boy hasn't got any SN.

My son's Aspergers means that he can find it difficult to understand what behaviour/language is appropriate.
He needs someone to explain to him, remind him and occasionally pull him up firmly - because Aspergers or not it doesn't make him incapable of learning. Nor does it make him an angel incapable of being plain old naughty sometimes.

If I spent my life making excuses for him and insisting that people constantly make allowances for him, and kicking up a fuss when he misbehaved for whatever reason, lest he feel left out, I have NO DOUBT that his behaviour would be worse than it is.

' If he has special needs he should go to a special place with supervision'

All sorts of reasons why that might not be possible, from the scarcity of SN playschemes to the cost to the transport to whether the parent is wrangling other children.

My son has ADHD and ASD, never in a million years would I use his disability as an excuse for poor behaviour and language. I'd have bloody thanked you for standing your ground.

Yes it's hard trying to explain why your child is left out of something but if it's because of his behaviour then they have to learn that's it's not acceptable to behave like the boy did.

Children all need to treated the same with the same rules.

This woman is very rude, and very cheeky! She is doing her son no favours whatsoever, and how dare she try to tell you that your children can't have their friends round because of her child's difficulties!

I did have sympathy with her until then. I have a child with SN and he can be hard work, but that doesn't mean the world owes me a favour because of it. It does hurt sometimes, but that is no excuse for the way the mother is behaving.

I have sympathy with your position OP, but can we please stop with the 'if he has special needs he needs to go to a specisk place with supervision' - that's really quite horrible. You don't need to talk along those lines to exclude him from your garden.

Please read the This Is My Child campaign.

Re the trampoline, the rule is 2 at a time, and there is so many other toys that it doesn't get over crowded, its more that if someone did fall badly, Id be responsible. There is a safety net though, but I take your point.. I should really get the parents to sign disclaimers

Oh, and try observing the other 11-13 year olds, and listening to their language.
You may find out where he picked up the 'fat cunt' phrase.

A special place with supervision????? Please tell me where myself and my autistic son can access this magical place?????
The mum has been rude,she should have been supervising him and knowing how hard it can be to parent a child with SN, she should not expect you to manage that situation.

Poor you OP this whole episode sounds bloody awful and you sound completely reasonable.

PS where did I say "awful parenting not a SN"?

I should really get the parents to sign disclaimers - It's a fine line these days between doing the community a favour and putting yourself at risk of a liability suit, sadly.

It sounds like you are managing the kids sensibly. The age group probably helps - all little ones together.