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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let this boy in my garden?

147 replies

strokey · 20/08/2013 13:01

We live on a really nice estate with a green area just outside our house.

We have a large back garden with playground toys and other children often come into the garden to play with my children, there can be up to fifteen of them at one time

Last week there was an older boy that I didn't recognise who kept spitting (on the ground, not at the other children) I told him to stop, then I saw him doing it again and told him that he would have to go if he did it again, and that it was disgusting. So he does it again, and I told him to go. He called me a fat cunt (not too offensive Im a size 8)

The next day more children come around bit by bit. I kept the back gate locked so they had to knock on the door to come through the house. When this boy turned up again I said he couldn't come in because he was rude.

Most of them are around 5-6-7-8 (mine are 5 and 8) this boy is about 11, the other kids his age don't come in the garden, they stay out with their bikes and are allowed further away then just the green area outside.

Bit later a woman comes round, says she is his mum and he is really upset that hes being left out of the water fight. I explained why, and also said that it was only primary school kids in the garden, none of the older kids come in, and the boys of his age were still outside the communal area.
She said he has got ADHD or ASD (I dont know which) and prefers being with the little ones. I was going to say no sorry, he isn't coming in after that language, but as soon as she mentioned the special needs bit I got worried and caved and said he could come in. She said thanks and that it was horrible to see your child being left out and went off. I think its horrible to be called a cunt in your own garden by someone elses child, but I was too much of a wuss to say so.

By that point the kids were getting over excited with the water sprinkler and the garden was waterlogged, so I took the guns away and turned off the sprinkler. As I was putting it in the garage he followed me and grabbed one end of the hose and wouldn't let go cos he said he hadn't had a turn, I got it from him and rolled it up and put it away, by the time I got back to the garden he had the garden tap on and was flinging buckets of water around. I turned the tap off and he goes over to the sand and starts throwing it manically. He wasn't shouting but was totally out of control and carried on throwing the sand even though I kept saying stop.

I didn't want to chuck just him out so I said they all had to go home now. Yesterday we were out all day, but today they are back here. The boy hasn't turned up yet, but Im waiting for him to and Im just worried about what to say to his mother. She seemed very reasonable and I feel sorry for her, but am not prepared to have him over again. Just wonder if you think IABU. Gosh, sorry its so long

OP posts:
YoniMitchell · 20/08/2013 16:24

I was feeling sorry for the boy's mum as it sounds like she either needs a break or some support, however after her latest push, I think she has a bloody cheek.

It is indeed sad that there isn't more support for parents in this situation, but is it really the OP's responsibility to open up her garden to virtual strangers and have to essentially 'look after' him?

Strokey, I agree with others that you need to detail the resons you're not happy for him to play in your garden - the language would do it for me too.

BewitchedBefuzzledBewildered · 20/08/2013 16:24

rinkydinkydoo that special place with supervision is home or at the park with his own mother. Not freeloading childcare at the poor OP's property.

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2013 16:25

Maybe i'm being sour, but i can just picture all the parents who are more than happy for their DCs to be at someone else's place for the afternoon and out of their hair but are first in the queue shouting about who's to blame for an accident.

Anyway - this isn't the main thrust of the OP, so i'll shush about it now :)

WilsonFrickett · 20/08/2013 16:28

Special needs, special place with special supervision

I was totally with you OP till you said that. Please can you think about separating the behaviour here - the mum is pushy and has made you feel jumpy, not the child, who can't help his behaviour because he has additional needs. It's absolutely fine for you to not want him in your garden, but you don't need to use that kind of language to justify your decision.

FWIW I don't think you normally would, you certainly didn't in your earlier posts. I think the mum has noised you up somewhat, but that's about her not the child.

SilverApples · 20/08/2013 16:30

What Wilson said. Smile

DidoTheDodo · 20/08/2013 16:30

I've just read your update and am horrified at the attitude of the mother. She is dictating what you can do in your own garden??

I'm gobsmacked...and I'm afraid that would be the last time I had any kind of communication with either her or her son, knowing I would be utterly miserable if this was happening to me.

softlysoftly · 20/08/2013 16:31

Eek Now I don't think you have any responsibility for them or have to let anyone in your garden you don't want but please remember he is a child, you are being a bit unkind in your wording and actually a bit unfair being so polite you can't tell her the reason you don't want him in (the swearing).

She is handling this badly but so are you. I'm wondering if her "he isn't a dog" comment was justified.......

Libertine73 · 20/08/2013 16:33

Thing is though OP you're 'excluding' all the other children of his age too, it's not like every child in the street is round (although almost by the sounds of it!)

You don't need to explain exactly why you don't want him round, you've said you don't and it's your garden, end of.

encyclogirl · 20/08/2013 16:34

You had me all the way to "Special needs, special place with special supervision", then you lost me.

DidoTheDodo · 20/08/2013 16:35

It is the OPs garden. She can say EXACTLY who she wants in it. She doesn't have to explain anything at all to anyone. HER garden. HER choices. No discussion needed.

strokey · 20/08/2013 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

gamerchick · 20/08/2013 16:40

Man I wish there was a special place like that Grin

If you have another run in tell her straight that if it's bothering her that much then she's very welcome to do something in her own garden for the neighbourhood kids.

It is really hard when your kid gets excluded but there's no way I would force my child on anybody.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 20/08/2013 16:42

You're sounding a bit stressy now what with the community outreach comment.

Have a cup of tea.

DidoTheDodo · 20/08/2013 16:43

Exactly Strokey
I have a SS with SN and would be horrified if he was being foisted on anyone.

saintlyjimjams · 20/08/2013 16:50

I agree that it's up to the OP who she has in her garden. She can exclude whoever she likes. But I can also point out that saying that kids with special needs should be in special places & that having children with special needs playing in your garden is providing a community outreach programme is offensive. If you don't like one child or his mother that's fine, you don't have to, but please stop with the offensive comments. Language and assumptions DO mattter. That's WHY MUMSNET is running the this is my child campaign THIS WEEK FFS.

FWIW when ds2 was in year 1 one of his best friends was a boy in year 6 with AS. They bonded over club penguin. It was a genuine friendship - he came to ds2's party. He didn't swear or spit though although he had a lot of shouty-out tics.

TheFutureMrsB · 20/08/2013 16:55

Ahh don't worry about it, you did the right thing by you so there's no need to stress out about it, no need to justify yourself either.

You didn't like the spitting, you asked him to stop, he didn't, end of.

I wouldn't have him in my garden either, but then again I wouldn't want 15 kids in either Wink.

It is your garden, not a playground so yes you can choose who may and who may not use it.

KellyHopter · 20/08/2013 16:55

On the face of it you are absolutely right to not want him in your garden.
But based on some of your more recent comments its starting to look a bit like one of those imaginary situations concocted simply as a vehicle for airing things you want to say but normally can't iykwim?

Just saying.

DidoTheDodo · 20/08/2013 16:55

I didn't take the OPs comment about community outreach to mean SN, but a child who was a very different age to her own children, and one who did not play with but only around her own.

saintlyjimjams · 20/08/2013 17:01

Really? Coming on top of the special needs kids should be playing in special places comment?

PaperSeagull · 20/08/2013 17:03

You can choose whom to invite into your home and garden, of course. If you don't want this child to play with the others, you don't have to allow him in the garden. Personally, I would not be able to exclude one child and allow others, but again it is up to you.

But some of the things you have said on this thread make me very uncomfortable. It isn't "bloody awful to have a child like that." I would be willing to wager that his mother adores her son as much as you love your children. I very much doubt she finds it "bloody awful" to be his mother.

And the "special place with supervision" comment sounds uncomfortably close to wanting social segregation of children with special needs.

peggyundercrackers · 20/08/2013 17:09

strokey if you dont want him in the garden dont let him in - you dont need to give her a reason, its your private space - just say no!

RinkyDinkyDoo · 20/08/2013 17:12

Bewitched, are you really implying that 'special place' is limited to my home and the park? I take my son everywhere and anywhere I feel he would benefit from and unlike that child's mother, I supervise him, just as I was saying she should.

WilsonFrickett · 20/08/2013 17:13

It's not that private if she's got 15 kids in it peggy. Which of course is her right. But the comments about special places and community outreach are grinding with some posters especially as this is the week MN launched 'This is my child'. Language matters.

BewitchedBefuzzledBewildered · 20/08/2013 17:13

OP you seem to be getting a hard time here. If the boy comes again to your garden, you don't have to let him in, you really don't!

If the mother comes by again, I strongly reccomend you be fully honest with her about the reasons you don't want him in there, the spitting thing is clearly not enough to persuade the mother, but if you mention the out of control behaviour and the swearing at you, you might be able to persuade her to back off.
Be strong, OP!

saintlyjimjams · 20/08/2013 17:16

The OP isn't getting a hard time for excluding the child at all. She is just being asked to consider how she talks about children with SN.