Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

396 replies

glossyflower · 20/08/2013 08:45

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 24/08/2013 00:35

If this were my OH he wouldn't get anywhere near my mum or have the chance to insult her intelligence by also spinning her a line.

This thread is frightening.

OP you will be left financially and emotionally devastated, and have to raise your children whilst feeling this way, if you don't just put an end to all this madness. & what about your children and their future stability?

I'm not trying to sound harsh. But this man will make you go downhill and its so not worth it. You may love him but he's just a man! A crafty and untrustworthy man at that. Money is worth more to him than you are. You won't die for the lack of him, OP. But you could ruin your health and self esteem if you stay with him.

You can do far better than him. If you are staying with him tho, keep a ruthless hold on your money. If he fails to understand the (obvious) reasons for this then so be it - & don't let him make your life a misery about it either. Good luck

MistressDeeCee · 24/08/2013 01:11

& you're not a doormat at all. At least you're thinking, & seeking advice..

NapaCab · 24/08/2013 04:09

You talk about 'when' you have the next child you can stay home for a year with both of them. When, OP? How can you possibly consider having a second child when you are married to a man-child and you're both in debt?

He needs to wise up and grow up and stop the childish nonsense about 'secrets' he's keeping from you to save 'your' feelings i.e. avoid any unpleasantness for himself.

It sounds like you are both in denial about reality although to be fair to you, OP, you are at least trying to be an adult and take responsibility for things. I just don't know why you would casually talk about bringing another child into your situation when there is so much else that needs sorting out.

CSIJanner · 24/08/2013 04:21

Sorry OP - I think he's mugging you off. You don't trust him and its understandable why. I won't say LTB but you do need to seriously rethink and evaluate where you want to go from here.

Oh. - and he changed his passwords. And he's disrespecting your intelligence if he thinks you won't come to the conclusion yourself.

MrsKoala · 24/08/2013 07:21

oh dear, this seems to have got so much worse than he's just shit with money. So you saw the accounts and they were fine. Then he went out and changed passwords, did something 'surprisey' (nice Hmm ). ANd now wont let you see his accounts. BUT is suggesting a consolidation loan. It really sounds like he realised his number was up, knew you were going to clamp down on his spending, and rushed out bought you something to give him an excuse to keep you in the dark and then applied for a loan. Then he will present it as a fait accompli.

If i were you i would tell him now IF that is what happens you are leaving - and if it does leave! See what his response is when you put it to him. Tell him you appreciate the sentiment of a nice surprise, but no surprise is worth your worrying. You want to know and you want to know now. I would be really suspicious now. This is not like my inept dh i was describing earlier in the thread. This sounds thought out and clever.

I really hope i'm wrong op. :(

VisualCharades · 24/08/2013 07:52

Am I going mad or did I read he has life insurance cover for you??

Said kindly, I think it would be a very good idea to consider getting some individual counselling. I doubt he will change his ways but you might have a hope of extricating yourself from this hideous co-dependence if you talk through with someone why you are putting up with such nonsense.

petalsandstars · 24/08/2013 08:05

This is getting worse, FWIW to give a little perspective on "normal" my DH knows that if he comes home with a surprise for me when we are overdrawn he will have hell to pay. So doesn't.

CogDat · 24/08/2013 08:46

I am sorry but this is screaming out gambling problem to me, or similar. £18k going on books, train fares and nothing much is just incomprehensible.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/08/2013 08:58

The life insurance is a worry - you said he couldn't get it as of a medical condition - what is it? Rare for life insurance to say no - just that their premium would be higher

He's happy to pay la for you as if god forbid something happens then he covered - hopefully any of your assets will go to your child in trust and not him - do you have a will?

QuintessentialOldDear · 24/08/2013 09:08

"If he's hiding something from me, I would reconsider our marriage as it would be twice he's deceived me..."

But he is hiding something from you now. He has a "surprise", one that has prompted him to lock you out of his accounts, and hide any new debts in a consolidation loan! AND not just that, he wants his debts to be joint, and your house to be joint, but he wont let his salary be shared....

If I were you, I would be so friggin angry I would go cartoon Kaboom.

teacherandguideleader · 24/08/2013 09:14

I say this as someone who has debts (and I am very ashamed to admit my DP doesn't know about them).

I pay half the bills and half of the food shopping. I recently reconsolidated my debts and my priority was making sure I had enough money to pay for bills / food and once I had deducted that from my salary I worked out what I could afford per month in repayments - so that my DP wouldn't end up having to support me sorting my mess out.

Check his credit rating. Although I have debt, I have an excellent credit rating because I pay everything on time. If his credit rating is poor, it would suggest debts aren't getting paid - so money you think is going on debts could be going elsewhere.

My debt has been caused by mental health problems and I am battling hard to overcome my demons. Even in my worst phases of spending I would have struggled to spend 7K in 4 months without having a lot to show for it (it is easy to look in my wardrobe and see where my money went!). I think the suggestions that maybe he has a gambling problem could be something to look at.

I had an ex who was a gambler and never had any money - he wouldn't admit to the problem but he never had anything to show for his 'spends'. One day I checked the internet history and found some gambling sites he was logging on to in the night (along with some prostitution sites).

Please be careful and don't reconsolidate anything with this man. I would never ask that of my DP - my debt is my mess, not his responsibility.

teacherandguideleader · 24/08/2013 09:16

Just wanted to add - although my DP doesn't know about my debts, we are not financially linked in any way, shape or form and I am happy for it to stay that way for the next couple of years until my debts are cleared.

Bearbehind · 24/08/2013 18:08

Have you found out what the surprise is yet glossy?

petalsandstars · 24/08/2013 20:14

I really hope you've had the difficult conversation now and can sort out the finances fairly

prettybird · 26/08/2013 11:52

This is such a sad story. I hope you manage to resolve things with your dh :(

A surprise is never a "nice" Hmm one if you can't afford it :(

....and as for his gaslighting you by letting you have his password and then promptly changing it and letting you think you had got it wrong Angry

It really does sound like he has some serious growing up to do. Only you can say if he is worth the effort.

oscarwilde · 27/08/2013 12:01

Any chance he has forged your signature on a joint application for a loan? Using your salary and his as combined income.

If he has already gotten a consolidated loan, make sure you see the paperwork and that it is only in his name. Post in Legal Matters and Money to assess your financial exposure to him. See a financial advisor urgently about your home.

I think there are two options here:

  1. boot him out and send him off to grow up and get his finances in control at his own risk. It is time to wake him up to the reality of what he is doing. Stop taking this lying down and get angry.
  2. make his residency in the family home, and the continuation of your marriage conditional on him handing full financial control over to you. Have his salary paid into your account, hand him cash to live on. Make him see a financial advisor to look at his debts and how to manage the repayments efficiently.

The latter option is a harsh one, and it is not a nice place to be in if your marriage is to survive. It will only work if he is willing to acknowledge that he is hopeless with money, is sincerely sorry to have gotten into this state, and will not undermine your efforts by secretly taking out further dept.
It is however, a better choice than having a 3rd party doing this to you both if debt collectors place a lien on your earnings.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/08/2013 19:41

op come back - what did you find out, assuming not good as youve been awol :(

hope you are ok

BadLad · 28/08/2013 06:11

I won't rehash what everyone else has said, although I agree with it.

I wouldn't bring your mother into the discussion in future. It's unfair to drag her into your marital problems, and it just infantilises both of you. This is a problem between the two of you, and while there is nothing wrong with getting someone else's perspective, doing it that way moves away from the direction in which you need to be going. Which is full and complete communication between the two of you about your finances, not whispered assurances to a third party that things are OK.

Original poster
glossyflower · 28/08/2013 09:33

Sorry guys I've been super busy.
Well we haven't resolved our problems as such but I feel like we are getting somewhere now.
We have made an appointment at the bank together but there's no way I'm getting a joint loan it's just to assess our finances.
He's not been spending so much but when he and I do we are saving all receipts. Anything other than shopping he asks me if its ok or not to buy.
As for the password, I still don't have it. He assures me I will after this 'surprise'. Our wedding anniversary is next week so maybe the surprise is to do with that.
Time will tell for many things.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/08/2013 10:05

You do know that a bank is not an independent financial advisor don't you? They are a business, interested is selling you things.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/08/2013 10:06

On the rest, progress maybe but you haven't got far. How can you know whether to say yes or no to purchases when you haven't done a proper budget?

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/08/2013 10:18

As dh is heavily in debt if he has brought you a surprise for wa then he is even more of a fool

A surprise isn't worth stress and possible break up - I don't think dh relieses how upset/worried you are over this

He needs to give you the password

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 28/08/2013 10:23

but glossyflower he had changed the password and let you think you were putting it in wrong......

Squitten · 28/08/2013 10:26

Oh dear OP. I feared this was going to happen.

Time to take off the kid gloves now. Tell him to give you the banking password right NOW and come clean about whatever his "surpise" is or he can get out of your house.

Why on earth would you play these kinds of games with your fiancial security? Even if he does produce an expensive gift, how will you EVER know that that really is what he is hiding unless you see it yourself?

I'm sorry to say but you really are acting like a fool and you could find yourself in a lot of trouble that could be avoided right now. Very stupid IMO.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 10:34

I can't believe he is still openly lying to you and hiding finances and you are just going along with it.

This guy will destroy your and your child's financial security.

Swipe left for the next trending thread