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Original poster

To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

396 replies

glossyflower · 20/08/2013 08:45

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 23/08/2013 21:57

Why the fuck has he got to talk to your mum for Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2013 21:58

glossy is the plan for him to tell your Mum what the surprise is or actually open his online account in front of her and show her what the surprise is? Because the former doesn't really solve the problem and the latter is infantilising and pathetic.

FWIW DH and I share finances and have the same access to accounts. He bought a present for me recently and told me, "don't look at the 12th or you will guess". Just the 12th, no hiding whole statements and I can see no major money has left the account. And, I trust him.

I wouldn't do a consolidation loan with him. Also, check if this would affect his claim to your house if you split. I'm just worried he's cleverer than he seems and you might end up regretting some of the decisions you are making.

StuntGirl · 23/08/2013 22:00

Gosh OP, it really is so sad :( I can't imagine how it must feel to find out your husband lies so easily and readily to you. How have you been coping?

Darkesteyes · 23/08/2013 22:00

Does he think he can manipulate your mum with a sob story OP

ChasedByBees · 23/08/2013 22:07

You can change your mind. You could go downstairs and say, 'sorting out this situation is more important than any surprise. You hiding this from me is bad, even if you say it's a 'good' surprise. I want to know now.'

You don't have to wait for your mum to give her approval - she doesn't know the full backstory I assume?

LittleBearPad · 23/08/2013 22:16

Also what happens depending on what type of secret it is?

Good secret = he tells you
Bad secret = he doesn't tell you

Or vice versa?

Don't get it...

Charlesroi · 23/08/2013 22:20

I hope the surprise isn't that he's already got the consolidation loan.

He's a man in a panic. Sorry.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/08/2013 22:24

No, you can't be, he was in thrall to his parents and had done a degree, surely not an MA. So unless something has changed, your ages and elements of this are coincidence (please...).

Anyway, see an independent financial advisor. Do it.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 23/08/2013 22:25

Oh dear :(
You cannot tolerate this 'secret'
And you should not support him in extending his debt. He's financially incompetent. It's painful to realise this about your spouse (been there) but at some point you have to withdraw support for his crazy plans or he will drag you down.

FatimaLovesBread · 23/08/2013 22:44

FWIW I think he's already got the consolidation loan. When you asked him to contribute more previously I think he sorted it then but then panicked and that's why he changed the passwords before it came through. And now he's having a last ditch attempt to sell it to you as a good idea.

Where the frigg is he managing to get such a big loan on a low salary? To consolidate the remaining part of an £18k loan, his credit card and yours on a salary of £16k, who's handing out these loans?! If he has managed to get one it must be on a shite interest rate.

Original poster
glossyflower · 23/08/2013 22:44

No lottie that wasn't me. (Sounds similar though - doesnt do much around the house...)

OP posts:
Original poster
glossyflower · 23/08/2013 22:48

fatima his original loan was from his building society he banks with. And he could technically easily get a loan on his wages since he has no other bills he pays!

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 23/08/2013 22:49

He's also talking about getting another loan to consolidate his loan, credit card, my credit card and my overdraft. He'll be paying the same amount over a longer period of time

You are not seriously going to sign a joint loan with this person?

The "secret" will be whatever excuse for further hidden debt he thinks up between now and the time he is made to reveal it to you. Don't be surprised if there are other secrets too. Just what is he spending all this money on?

OP, you are a doormat. Your DH is utterly useless.

QuintessentialOldDear · 23/08/2013 22:51

Blimey!
Christ on a bike, this man is not inept, he is rather cunning and deceitful and manipulative.

What a shit.

I think you need to realize that the sooner you untangle yourself from him financially and emotionally, the better.

Do not let him consolidate any of your debts. Please dont. Just handle them yourself, and not let him have any hold over you by being able to claim he is paying your debts, so he has claims to your house/earnings, etc.

Interesting how he did not want to cancel YOUR life insurance that secures him in the event something should happen to you, whereas it is not very important that he has a life insurance that pays out to you....

FatimaLovesBread · 23/08/2013 22:52

True, I forgot that he has no outgoings Smile

Hope it's not a bad suprise OP. it would piss me off though that he's changed the password and now refuses to tell you what he's hiding

Bearbehind · 23/08/2013 22:55

Sorry OP but there is no way on earth someone with a wife and 6 month old child who earns £16k, and has only just started earning this, could get a mainstream loan of north of £18k- unless he lies about having a dependant child- nice thought eh?

FatimaLovesBread · 23/08/2013 22:55

quint raises a good point re. Life insurance. If anything were to happen to him, you be left with all the mortgage and bills to pay and his debt too. Where as if it were reversed he'd presumably be left with a mortgage free house. And he hasn't sorted out a joint policy that would be cheaper? I'd be sorting that out.

QuintessentialOldDear · 23/08/2013 22:57

If you plan to stay with this pathetic excuse of a sponger, I suggest you invest in a will that leave everything you have, the house particularly, in a trust for your dd, so that you at least secure her future.

whattodoo · 23/08/2013 23:04

Can you picture what your life is going to be like in 3,5,10 years time?
You're still going to be in financial chaos (or worse) unless you get control of this now.

Inertia · 23/08/2013 23:06

Quint is right. He is showing you the confused ineptitude card ; in fact he is not only hiding his debts while sponging off you, he is actively trying to con you into taking responsibility for his debts.

He 's now bought himself 24 hours of money-juggling time by spinning you this 'happy secret' line (and this is after he locked you out of his accounts and pretended it was your error ) .

How do you not see the urgency here?

Inertia · 23/08/2013 23:08

I missed the insurance point , good spot - I think it's possible for you to take out insurance on his life, might be worth checking out.

CorrineFoxworth · 23/08/2013 23:14

"Good secret" Hmm

Why does he have to prove this to your mother? I wouldn't dream of sharing financial information with my parents and if they were privy to something I was not that would be extremely strange. I'd have had to have been sectioned or imprisoned.

What is a good secret anyway? That he has taken it upon himself to buy you a luxury item to keep you sweet ?

Wuldric · 23/08/2013 23:17

The trouble with nice people is that they are just that - nice and trusting and naive and stuff.

OP, please stand back and look at the facts in a detached way. Ignore your emotions and the fact that you lurve him and all that. Just look at the facts.

  1. You were financially solvent and self-supporting until your DH moved in
  2. Your DH is (at best) incompetent with money
  3. The debts just keep rising and rising and rising with each consolidation
  4. You do not know the true extent of his indebtedness

How long do you think this can continue for before you lose your house?

Your actions - or lack of actions - are quite incredible. You seem to be sleepwalking your way to bankruptcy. Take responsibility to protect your children. They have not voted for a feckless Dad. Do not make their load worse by being an irresponsible Mum.

LittleBearPad · 23/08/2013 23:18

Can you picture what your life is going to be like in 3,5,10 years time?
You're still going to be in financial chaos (or worse) unless you get control of this now.

^^ This with bells on.

laeiou · 23/08/2013 23:25

OP- even if the surprise is not a bad surprise, let's suppose it's money spent on you, it still means that he's spending money he doesn't have on something you don't need. Meanwhile you're cutting back on essentials. And he continues to lie and gaslight. Insinuating that you locked yourself out of online banking is disgraceful.

This business about consolidating loans again, so at least twice within your first year of marriage there's major financial decisions going on, shows that he's perfectly motivated to think about his finances when it suits him to do so. So he should be able to think about finances when you want to do so. I.E. this weekend.

I'm sure he has lots of qualities that make him a fun, exciting boyfriend but he needs to become a partner and a parent. Or really he should continue his single life, free from responsibility - you'd be better off financially and would be more secure.

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