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Original poster

To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

396 replies

glossyflower · 20/08/2013 08:45

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 22/08/2013 16:17

Sounds like he has changed the password - sometimes I put in the wrong code on phone fat fingers and I've never been locked out - even if put in 3/5 times never good to do online banking when need manicure lol

When dh comes home - get him to try logging on in front of you with the password you both know

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 18:28

oh dear :(

He actually sounds quite savvy OP.

Bearbehind · 22/08/2013 19:07

Just reading this thread makes me weary. OP can you really be bothered to spend your time wondering whether this financially irresponsible manchild has changed his banking passwords?

I know I would have better things to do if i had a small chid and was approaching the end of mat leave.

No adult should expect to be bank rolled by someone else, especially if they have a wife and child to think of.

Personally I couldn't be arsed to try and change him because, deep down, his moral fibre is shite. His beliefs are totally unreasonable and he'll probably never change.

If you do want to try and make it work you need to insist he pays a realistic proportion of the household expenses. If he doesn't like it- you know what you need to do.......

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2013 19:24

Yes I got that MrsTerry, I was really responding to OP's 'maybe my mistake' by saying it blatantly cannot be (so how could she think that?).

OP, how could it be? When people mis-type things it's an unpredictable slip, or memory block and they do it once, then are extra careful. How very, very weird that he would have such a high expectation of you mis-typing a simple password that he warned you about getting locked out - something you'd have to mis-type it numerous times to achieve - nobody does that when reading from the password written down in front of them, no-one.

Stop believing him when he tells you you're stupid / wrong / perpetually at fault in his life. You aren't!

CorrineFoxworth · 22/08/2013 19:31

You are very optimistic OP, to be planning DC2 with this sorry excuse for a man.

Perhaps the time has come to accept that as a couple, you have very different plans.

MistressDeeCee · 22/08/2013 19:50

Agree with 'Bearbehind'..all sounds just too much hard work I dont know how the OP can be bothered to keep up with it all. This man is a user and a gameplayer..if having a partner & dc hasnt made him change and re-evaluate then nothing will. How unpleasant to live with. OP I hope you cut your losses so you can meet someone worth your time. This man's games are tiring, and tiresome..life's too short.

laeiou · 22/08/2013 20:14

OP you sound like a very caring, thoughtful person. Nursing was probably an easy career choice.

Your DH sounds like he's immature and while he happily lets you be the grown-up in many respects (doing all the hard work), he'll probably act even more immature when confronted with the reality that you're supposed to be in a partnership.

If his attitude about finances is to avoid faking with it, talking about it etc, then do the it's not fair routine,maybe you have to accept that this is showing his true values. Aside from learning difficulties etc and some mental health issues etc, I don't buy his "I'm no good with money!" excuse. I think he's perfectly capable of finding money for his priorities, and that he is showing you where his priorities lie. Having a second child without resolving this current situation is legitimising the status quo. You've no chance of changing things later, it must be now.

laeiou · 22/08/2013 20:17

Agh! Avoid faking with it - avoid dealing with it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/08/2013 23:44

So what happened when dh got home

Did he manage to log on? Did he do it front of you!

Gruffalump · 23/08/2013 08:15

Any further news?

Sounds like henis trying to hide something for sure

Original poster
glossyflower · 23/08/2013 10:00

No news but my own fault really.
When he got home from work I told him to take the baby and put her to bed whilst I finished tea and put my feet up with a glass of wine.
The wine gave me the most enormous migraine so I went to bed. Woke up with it this morning but feel better now.
That'll teach me for wanting to relax Confused
But then he didn't mention it either.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 23/08/2013 13:07

Ask him tonight then. That gives you the whole Bank Hol weekend to sit down, sort out a budget, set up DDs, order an online shop, and sort this whole sorry mess out once and for all.

And of course he's not going to mention it - why should he? He's living the life of riley and pulling the wool well and truly over your eyes. Demand that it's sorted this weekend, or tell him to move out, reminding him that it would be much more expensive to pay his own rent, food, bills, debts and CSA on top off all that when if you live apart.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2013 13:59

As a fellow wine-induced migraine sufferer (and chocolate induced, tiredness induced...) here's some Thanks and sulphite free Wine to try.

He will drop this if you do so you have to decide if it's worth it to you.

Bakingtins · 23/08/2013 14:14

I think you should see a lawyer about protecting your interests, even if you have no intention of splitting up.
DH and I bought a house together just before we married. We each had a house to sell, I sold mine so my equity was the deposit on our new house. The solicitor drew up a document which stated what shares we each held in the house in the event of a split before he was able to put his equity in from the sale of his own house. When you are contributing so unequally financially it makes sense to protect yourself.
But of course it is all going to be different from this weekend, no?
We have over 10 years and varying circumstances (I've worked full time, part time and been on mat leave) paid our salaries into a joint account which pays all the bills and gives us each equal spending money. In your shoes I'd keep the bills account in your name only so he can't empty it. You need to work out how much you need to cover bills and debts, if possible save a bit each month for unexpected household expenses, then split the rest equally for you both to save or spend on clothes, amazon, gig tickets etc without the need to justify it to the other. I think probably if you are going to stay with him you'll have to treat his debt as joint and work towards paying it off, though really it should be his responsibility. He needs to grow up - paying mortgage, bills, food and childcare comes way higher in a parent's priorities than gig tickets.
Then you can start work on sorting out his unequal contribution in other areas.....

petalsandstars · 23/08/2013 14:31

My DH can't see past the current account balance and think about what is still due to come out. I got sick of constantly telling him no so made him do the budget instead. It has not worked out well and he prefers me to be in charge of it so I've had it back now but he understands that when I say we can't afford it I do mean it.

I don't think that would work in your case to let him sort it out so it will fall to you to do it so it is fair. Not so you have nothing, there may be tears and threats but he will also need to stop tantrumming like a child as the money has gone.

sunshinemeg · 23/08/2013 14:39

Not read the whole thread but based on OP comments I can share what myself and DH do.
We are both paid into our own accounts. There is then a joint account that covers all the bills, mortgage, and a set amount for food each week. DH then calculated the % of our salary that had to go into pay the balance each month. He puts in more as he earns more, but we both pay in 67% of our salaries. What's left in own accounts is ours to spend as we want. Works well as there is no arguing Grin

Original poster
glossyflower · 23/08/2013 20:53

Hi everyone.
I know you are probably bored to death of this thread but tonight I told him we need to sit together and sort out his banking password business.
Guess what....
He said he can't let me see his statements just yet as there's a secret not a bad one I can't know about yet.
I was miffed to say the least. I know you think this is not surprising at all.
And even though I saw his statements two nights ago. I asked him when he realised I couldn't see this surprise as he didn't mention it at the time of giving me his password.
I told him he has to tell my mum what this secret is so she can decide if its good or bad. I don't know why I said that I should have insisted he show me right away.
He said I have to trust him on this and don't I trust him?
I said no I don't!
He's also talking about getting another loan to consolidate his loan, credit card, my credit card and my overdraft. He'll be paying the same amount over a longer period of time.
...
I just don't know what to think so I have come to bed Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
glossyflower · 23/08/2013 20:55

Oh and with this new loan he said he could contribute to the household bills more as effectively he'll be paying less each month.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/08/2013 21:01

Another secret :( we kinda guessed that :(

I'm assuming more debt - I'm hoping not a dd to csa or something like that - why can't he tell you

So he wants to get out ANOTHER loan to consolidate all his debts AGAIN - to pay less a month but over more years - so more debt

Doing this may work as then can pay towards your house /bills - he still sorts out his loan and he learns to be better with money

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 23/08/2013 21:13

Consolidation only works if you stop spending. He won't - you can guarantee it - so he'll build debt back up again, in addition to having the consolidation loan.

He's LIED to you YET AGAIN, by saying that YOU must have messed up the passwords when in reality HE has changed them! He's probably glad you've gone to bed as he's got away with lying and fobbing you off again. You need to DEMAND he ones his bank account(s) otherwise he needs to leave - now.

It's time to get tough, OP.

Bearbehind · 23/08/2013 21:14

This is a horrible situation for you to be in glossy but this guy is up to no good.

He thinks he's a player but he's not even very good at that.

I would bet my bottom dollar that whatever your 'surprise' is, he thought of it about 5 minutes after you rumbled him.

In a normal, loving marriage the husband does not expect to live the life of a single man at the expense of his wife and to the detriment of his family.

Ths guy is a gobshite and involving your Mum in his games is likely to end in tears.

Tell him to shove his 'surprise' up hs arse and either pay his way or fuck off.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 23/08/2013 21:14

*opens his bank account, not ones his bank account

FriskyHenderson · 23/08/2013 21:15

Oh dear Sad That's another excuse isn't it. Is he gambling? Where else could the money be going?

Bearbehind · 23/08/2013 21:19

Just re-read your last two posts

He'll be paying the same amount over a longer period of time.

Then

He said he could contribute to the household bills more as effectively he'll be paying less each month

How does that work then?

He is talking shit.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/08/2013 21:19

Well, it's not a savings plan for your Christmas present is it.

Same payments, longer time = bigger debt.

Do the sums, in full, calculate total cost. He doesn't sound able to think hat through.