To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

[glossyflower]

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

Why oh why are you putting yourself through all this OP? I am so incoherent with rage I can hardly type. He is abusing you and is a total bastard. Get rid or you will regret it all your life.

He sounds like he's sponging off you tbh. And like he really needs to grow (and man) up!

OP this is financial abuse Please do not put up with this. HE HAS changed the password deliberately.
Tell him that this constitutes unreasonable behaviour and that as he is continuing to disrespect and abuse you that he better pack his bags and bugger off. What a fucking selfish prick.

Well spotted Bearbehind. OP he is contradicting himself and gaslighting you.

He'll be paying the same each month but over a longer period of time because he's consolidating his credit card. So when I said the same I meant same as his big loan of just under £400. His credit card is £170 so he has £170 extra per month (but over a longer period of time. IYSWIM).
He's also be consolidating my debts so I would effectively have less to pay each month too.

glossy he told you yesterday that you'd got his paassword wrong when he had blatantly changed it (and come up with a bullshit story to cover his tracks).

He is not stupid but he is taking you for a ride. He is a fucking liar who squirms his way out of stuff by making you feel like it's your fault.

Do not even contemplate child number 2 with this man unless this gets resolved.

You are living on different planets at the moment and his planet is funded by the Bank of Wifey- is that really how you saw your life panning out?

He needs to ask his mum if its a good or bad secret. Is he twelve!

This is a bad secret - I very much out he's going to surprise you with a £10k savings account.

You need to seriously consider whether this is how you want to spend your life as he won't change and debts will continue to grow.

Whats his mum like? Do you get on with her. Is she likely to help him to work out how to cover his tracks? Is that why hes so keen on getting her input?

Look, this whole situation is serious, your Mum may provide moral support but you need professional help. Book an appointment with a financial advisor, get all your statements and records together and listen carefully.

No I think you read wrong (or I worded it wrong). When he said he couldn't tell me, I said well you have to tell my mum, so she can decide if its ok. Ie if its say a Christmas present or something she could say its ok. But then I really don't know why I said that I should have just said that's not acceptable.

If he is paying £170 per month on a credit card as a minimum payment he owes another approx £4,500 to £5,000 (based on 3% minimum payment).

Told you about that has he?

I thought you'd said his only debt was his loan?

Now he has another £170 month repayments, on top of £400 a month loan when he only earns £16k and has a wife and child??????

OP, you said in your first post that you felt like a total doormat but your latest posts sound like you're considering letting him do what he's suggesting, so yes you're being a total doormat.

The only thing that is acceptable now IMO is for him to be totally transparent about his finances and pool his entire income so that he pays his share of the household bills. Or alternatively tell him to leave and he can pay child maintenance instead. I don't understand why you're even contemplating anything else.

Heres my guess.
Your DH "mum ive screwed up here and shes going to leave me and im not going to get to see DC which means you may not get to see yr grandchild as often Mum"

It may not be those exact words but i bet it will be in the same vein.

No I mentioned his credit card but didn't mention the amount. He pays more than the minimum payment on his credit card which is why it's £170.
On my own I'm paying minimum.

Agree with Jan49

And FWIW we don't speak to his parents!

jan I know you are right. You all are right. It's just difficult

Sorry I misread your mum as his mum.

How old are you both OP if you don't mind me asking?

Oh sweetheart, he is really taking you for a ride.

He needs to tell you what the 'secret' is now.
He sits down with you and budgets.
He starts controlling his spending.

Anything else is unacceptable.

For the love of god, please don't have another baby with this manchild :(

I'm 33 he's 28.

Don't worry, there won't be another child at least until I know I can trust him.

He doesn't know if its a good secret or a bad secret until he checks with your mum?!

Is he 6 years old?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He needs someone to hold his hand for everything or he might accidentally spend £7000 without noticing. That isn't marriage. That's being someone's skivvy.

So why does he get to pay more than the minimum amount, when he has frittered his money away, and you can only afford the minimum on your card, which I'm guessing you use because you need to top up your earnings.

This whole situation is wrong.

He cannot afford to surprise you with anything other than an offer to pay his way.

Tell him this and tell him it either gets sorted now or he'll very soon find out just how expensive living on your own can be.

I may be wrong in my calculations but if csa for one child is 15% of earnings then if you were to ltb over this financial fiasco you'd probably get more money from him than you do now to support the household. And your food/utilities bills would be less, and he would have to provide a roof over his own head using the money he otherwise fritters away.

Just a thought - that actually you would not really in much different a position, but he would be paying out a hell of a lot more.

If he tries the but I can't afford it story then ask him what he would prefer.

LittleBearPad, we must know similar 6 & 12 yr olds.

OP he is not as useless with money as you think. He knows that he can trick you into funding his festival lifestyle but begrudges you three tops.

Shameful for a man with a wife and child (I'd feel the same if it was a woman doing this too by the way).

OP, just tell me you are not Mrs 'he doesn't care about my holiday photos from before I met him' and 'he does nothing at home, I wash his hair'. Please. You don't have an older dd from an earlier relationship do you?