To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

[glossyflower]

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

The thing is, even if its a genuine and wonderful surprise, it's obviously a surprise that costs money.

You are on the verge of going back to work early because you need the money.

Your family does not need an expensive surprise.

[LessMissAbs]

You know OP, you have been given really good, sensible advice on here, and you just haven't taken any of it in. You sound such a pushover that I really do think you and this man are well matched. I sincerely hope that the state your finances are in soon doesn't begin to match his as well, but your attitude towards him is so conciliatory that I wouldn't bet against it.

[Wuldric]

So, you are talking to the bank. Please OP, ask yourself why you are being inveigled along to talk to the bank.

The conversation will go like this:

You: We have XYZ debts and ABC income
Bank: Why don't you consolidate all those debts into a lovely shiny new debt with us? It will be so much cheaper for you and make so much financial sense. Look at how much more affordable your repayments would be!!
You: Err
Your DH:
Bank: Actually, you know what? I can get you a loan cheaper still. You won't even notice the loan repayments. All you have to do is secure the loan against your home.
You: Err
Your DH: Nods gleefully
Bank: I'll just draw up the loan documents now then, shall I?
Your DH: YESSS

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

The only reason you talk to a bank to assess your finances is with a view to borrowing money.
He changed the passwords and lied to you about it.
He is spending money you can't afford on a 'surprise'
You are being so manipulated by him.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Also I am just that he lied to your face about having changed the passwords. And had the cheek to tell you to be more careful so he didn't get locked out of online banking.

How can you just lie to your own wife like that?

[prettybird]

When you have the meeting to "assess your finances" , what household income are you going to assume ?

You working full-time or you working part-time? That's the sort of thing that you need to have discussed beforehand together - it's not up to the bank sales manager to make those sort of decisions for you.

You could embarrass your dh by going along with all the information you already have about outgoings and collate all the questions we have suggested about his outgoings that he has been avoiding answering to you. It's a bit passive-aggressive - but if you can't or won't make him sit down and provide this basic information, it might be one way of getting it out of him.

[CookieLady]

Oh my god. Why are you allowing him to call the shots? He has persistently lied to you and is with holding information from you. He is not to be trusted. If you don't take heed you may well end up losing your house because of him.

[laeiou]

I would question why you're going to the bank at all. The only reason I can think of is that you are supervising DH's aappointment with the bank. And there's no point in doing that until you have seen all his financial information and have had a chance to digest the information.

The bank will try to sell you new products and they're not daft - they'll want you to guarantee the new product rather than selling it to DH alone as he is so risky.

you could repost in legal / money matters for advice.

If you're not careful here you could enter a financial agreement that benefits the bank and your DH but is to the detriment of you and your child.

[BadLad]

surprise

Hmm. I think you are the wrong side of lies, debts and a significant part of 18 grand spunked up the wall to have money spent on surprises. He still doesn't realise the extent of the problems he has caused.

That is, of course, if the surprise is money spent on something for your anniversary. Which, sadly, is the best case scenario. If it's something else, it can only be bad news.

[LIZS]

Whatever the surprise is , it is going to be soured for you by the knowledge of the financial dire straits he is putting you into. I really don't think he gets it or ahs any sense of responsibility for you and ds. Has he always been so risk hungry ? Don't offer to go back ft , tell him what you plan to do , how much you will earn pt when you choose to go back , travel and childcare costs, household bills and ask him how he plans to contribute his share to it.

[YourHandInMyHand]

I also won't to echo the others in saying do not go to the bank! You will come away with consolidated debts in yours or joint names.

• I would be doing a credit check on him.
  
• I would be demanding passwords NOW.
  
• I would be telling him if he has bought you something then he ought to return it.
  

I would also be very suspicious that what he is actually hiding is more debt, he may even have got something in your joint names that you are clueless about.

You are gambling with yours and your dd's financial security. You need to stop kidding yourself and get very very tough with him.

[50shadesofmeh]

OP wake up! He can't even pay his portion of the household bills so he has no goddamned right to be spunking cash away on ' surprises' for you that you neither want nor need.
He's we t ahead and got a loan or is covering up hideous debts and thinks he is somehow smarter than you.

[VoiceOfRaisin]

Poor OP I realise that you don't want to listen to what posters are telling you as it is difficult to hear. But you really need to tell DH that whatever the "surprise" you need to know about it now because you are very stressed about the whole situation and, however lovely it is, it's not worth the angst of the wait. Then re-assess.

I am afraid I don't think it will actually be a good surprise. Sorry. Hope I am wrong. Worst case scenario, he has a gambling habit and is hoping for a big win some time soon that he can "surprise" you with and in the meantime doesn't want you to see the large sum he has withdrawn to place the bet.

[VisualCharades]

Just from reading this I feel angry and scared .....
I think they might be your disowned feelings :-(

[Inertia]

Well , I hope for your sake that the surprise is a substantial lottery win and the bank appt is to transfer money to you and pay off the mortgage.

Doubt it though.

I reckon it's more likely that he has lashed out money on a surprise for both of you that only he wants - magical golden crampons, or festival tickets for Cocklodgerpolooza. The bank visit is to sign up for joint consolidated debts against your house.

You need honesty, not surprises.

[LisaMed]

When you are in the bank IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO

You don't have to agree to anything. If you feel under pressure and the bank salesperson is giving it the hard sell all you need to do is repeat, I'm not sure about that, let me go away and think about it. I'm not sure about that, let me go away and think about it. I'm not sure about that, let me go away and think about it.

You do not have to say yes to anything at this minute. It is not life saving surgery. People will not die if you say you are not sure and want to think about it for forty eight hours.

DO NOT GET ANY DEBT CONSOLIDATED IN YOUR NAME OR ON THE HOUSE

If he is in trouble there are other ways to deal with financial problems. If it is a consolidated loan then get a second opinion and do not worry about making him look bad Being a nice wifey hasn't got you much so far.

I'm sending some hugs. I think you will need them. I hope I am wrong. Good luck.

[MrsKoala]

Personally i would not go to the bank (Wuldrics conversation sounds about what i would expect). I think it's easy to get talked into things which seem so easy and make so much more sense. The banker will be explaining it all as if it's so obvious and your DH will be agreeing wholeheartedly. It is very hard to say no in these circumstances. So I wouldn't put myself in that position in the first place. He hasn't shown any remote reasons as to why you should put your finances in with his. He has given you no reasons to trust him at all and i would suggest he spends at least a year earning that trust back before you consider anything additional to what you have (and even then probably not).

As for the 'surprise', i don;t think i could wait a week. I would need to know now. If it is a gift for your anniversary then what's the difference if you get it a week early. I would also be warning DH that if it is over £x (i would say nothing over £50 - but it depends on your finances to what you think you can afford) i will be returning it/angry. He may make you out as a kill joy and play the 'i was only trying to do something nice' victim card. But remember he has bought you this 'surprise' with your money and anxiety. So it isn't much of a gift is it?

In future as well i would say no more than £x spent on gifts for xmas/birthday/anniversary. So you both clearly know where you stand. And also, the gift shouldn't be a stealth gift for him; Something he knew you'd say no if he wanted it, so bought it as a 'surprise' for you.

I would do as the poster above suggests and just work all finances out based on your p/t hours and give the responsibility over to him as to how he is going to meet the rest of the financial needs of the family - WITHOUT a consolidation loan.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Maybe going to the bank is te only way to get answers from dh :( but DONT GET A JOINT LOAN OR AGAINST YOUR HOUSE

[OliviaMMumsnet]

Evening all
Wed night link to our guidelines
Peace and love

[Repeatedlydoingthetwist]

I reckon Wuldric has nailed it. Why are you putting up with this?

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

I don't understand - what guidelines have been broken?

[Gretagumbo]

I was in this situation, he had never grown up and paid a bill in his life. I was main earner, owned house, paid bills, looked after ds. I supported him through college. It felt like I was living in poverty, whilst he always found money for takeaways, weed and computer stuff. After endless attempts to negotiate, I finally asked him to leave three months ago. I feel so much more relaxed!

[MissStrawberry]

OP

as I have read your posts you have got smaller and smaller and he has pissed on you more and more.

You are about to put yourself in a position where you lose your baby's home.

Do not consolidate anything with this man other than a divorce maybe. He is taking you for a fool and you are letting him.

He has NO idea about managing money. He assumes you should keep him as you earn a few quid more than him. He really has got it made. Why are you letting him? .

[glossyflower]

Steady on there guys.

I never said I was just going to lay back and let him screw things over.

I am going to the bank because the other morning, he suddenly jumped up out of bed and said he was going to talk to someone about a consolidation loan - in his own name not mine.
He said he was just enquiring as he wanted to wait a couple of months due to his new job.
I told him I was coming too, if anything to ensure he didn't get the loan out there and then.
There was no one available to see us, so we made an appointment for the end of this week. There's no way I am putting my name to a loan right now!

We have an appointment with an independent financial advisor next week, he is coming to our house.

I found out what the surprise was. It's our first anniversary next week, and he bought me a paper 100 year old map for where we live.
(Yes I like old maps so it was quite a thoughtful present as paper is the 1st anniversary too).
The map cost a fiver, and I have verified this from his bank account (password now reset).

There's no big spends from his account, just lots of small things, mostly supermarket items, and some books from amazon (not more than ten pounds each).

I told him we are now doing internet shopping, which I will order once a month for a big shop (I can't remember the last time we did a big shop it's always bought on a 2 or 3 day basis).

I have told him if there is anything he is hiding from me, then that will be it for our marriage and that is something I haven't taken lightly (especially with a bad past experience from exbf). But as it has turned out, other than being unable to manage his finances very well, he really hasn't done anything majorly wrong.
He has apologised for the things he said, and although he's not perfect he's trying harder now with our finances.

[glossyflower]

I know in divorce the spouse is entitled to a share of wealth, but the house is in my sole name (I owned it before I met him). As we don't have any joint accounts by house is not at risk of being lost to whatever silly decisions he has or will make.