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Original poster

To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

396 replies

glossyflower · 20/08/2013 08:45

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

OP posts:
Trills · 20/08/2013 08:47

If you are a team, you live together, you have children together, etc, you should both have equal spending money.

This doesn't mean that all money must be pooled, but after all of the joint expenses (food, housing, child-related stuff) are taken care of, you should both have the same amount to spend on yourselves.

keentoknow · 20/08/2013 08:50

But it's not fair on you at all !!!! How can he do that to you ? He is so selfish. I'm annoyed, annoyed on your behalf. How can he not see he is being a twat ??

shewhowines · 20/08/2013 08:52

It's suiting him. Why should he change it, unless you force him to.

I hope he's reasonable in other areas of your relationship, and he will listen properly to you, when you insist, otherwise I see a great big red flag waving.

Fairylea · 20/08/2013 08:53

Totally wrong of him. He is being a cocklodger.

All money should be joint. At the very least you should have equal spending money.

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 20/08/2013 08:56

You need to sit down and do a budget together - otherwise what is the point?

His resistance to that is really odd. You have a child together.

If he's spending money on the food bill, that's obviously important, but things like petrol for your car to get to work are joint expenses.

iloveweetos · 20/08/2013 08:57

The only way having separate money works is if both partners see bills as the main priority. He needs a good kick up the ass. Not sure how though.

Jollyb · 20/08/2013 08:59

He's being unfair. I don't have a joint bank account with DP (I would but he's not keen) but we calculate our contributions to bills etc according to our relative take home pay - currently a 60:40 divide.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2013 09:00

Where is all his money going?

MrsMangoBiscuit · 20/08/2013 09:04

We don't quite have "all joint money" but we do make sure we have equal spending money. Our wages get paid into our personal accounts, then move various bits to our joint accounts with standing orders. Everything, including the food shopping, is paid for from a joint account. We leave a set amount in our personal accounts to spend on whatever we want, and we know at the start of the month how much should be left over so it goes straight into savings.

He needs to start contributing fairly to your families expenses. Does he honestly think the way things are, is fair? Either he doesn't realise how expensive things are, and thinks the status quo is actually fair, or he's being a selfish knobber.

SellbyDate · 20/08/2013 09:04

WTAF ?!! You are Married. You have a child together.

He Must be earning something surely! This is totally unacceptable. Me and My DH have a joint account. All bills go in there. Separate accounts for vehicles and our day to day stuff, food, trips etc.

He pays all the bills at the moment. There have been times where i have paid all the bills, there have been times when we have shared bills. It has to be give and take. Your DH is unbelievable!

SellbyDate · 20/08/2013 09:08

I actually want to kick your DH up the arse..he's behaving like a bloody entitled child.

You should be able to go back to work part time if you want. he ought to be supporting that not expecting you to subsidise him going to bloody gigs and whatever else he is spending his money on.

I'd tell his Mum Grin

VivaLeBeaver · 20/08/2013 09:14

If he buys all the food then how much is he spending a month on that? Could be £400 the way food prices are these days.

I don't pay anything towards household bills, dh pays the lot. Which is £850 a month inc the mortgage. He moaned about this the other day and I pointed out I buy all the food, dd's dinner money and pocket money, all of dd's clothes and stuff for her.

I reckon everything added up I spend anywhere between £500 and £700 a month. Seeing as dh earns twice what I do IMHO its fair. I think he still disagrees but has given up on it.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2013 09:14

In his mind he's still single.

You need to sit down with a calculator and work out all your expenses and discuss how to pay them fairly.

But in all honesty, I don't understand your methods. Is your house still 'yours'? You seem to be looking at it as though he's a lodger paying (insufficient) rent, not as an equal partner.

MsVestibule · 20/08/2013 09:15

I can't believe you're married with a child and yet he thinks he's entitled to sponge off you whilst he's working? He should be grateful you supported him through his studies and very keen to make it up to you now.

The only thing I can suggest you do is make a list of all your outgoings and incomings and arrange a time to sit down with him to decide what's fair. I think he's got so used to not contributing that he genuinely doesn't see it as his responsibility.

Original poster
glossyflower · 20/08/2013 09:16

expat I don't know for sure where all his money is going as I've never seen his bank statement.
He has quite a big loan from when he did his MA, plus a couple of smaller credit cards.
He goes to a lot of gigs mostly in London which is 80 miles away. He buys books and records on eBay, which he doesn't spend a lot each time but added up I guess it could come to a bit.
He spends money on general daily things during work.

Yes sellbydate I agree it should be give and take. I supported him through his course yet I am struggling on maternity pay and have to return to work much earlier than the other mothers there.

He's even said he'd like to be a stay at home dad!

mango he knows how much the bills are as I've told him several times.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 20/08/2013 09:19

You are being a doormat.

Until you force him to realise that you are serious about this, that is is a make or break issue, he will continue to take the piss and you will continue to feel like you have two children.

I think you are right to keep the house in your name, because all the financial responsibility is yours. Do not even consider putting his name in the house until he has proved he is capable of manning up.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/08/2013 09:19

Wow. Does he realise you are married, he's not your lodger?

You need to put a simple budget spreadsheet together, work out what is really being spent, on everything, month by month. You each get a line for hobbies and entertainment of course.

Original poster
glossyflower · 20/08/2013 09:26

nanny well the house is in my name, but I don't see it as just mine, it's ours. I owned it before I met him so when we first lived together it was kind of like him paying me rent. Now we are married I feel it should be an equal input.
A couple of years ago we tried to get his name added to the deeds but it fell through. I was hoping to attempt again ... But then why should I when her being like this?

viva the food shopping is irregular.
Often I will find there's little food in the house so I go and do the shopping whilst he's at work.
His version of shopping is buying bread and milk, and bringing home random stuff from the bargain bucket.
If I tell him we need dishwasher tabs or washing powder I usually get a "I can't afford that right now".
Don't forget he doesn't drive so his shopping has to be brought home on his bike.

sellbydate we no longer talk to his mum. Or pretty much his entire family.
I might tell my own mum on him, that'd be much worse Grin

OP posts:
primroseyellow · 20/08/2013 09:31

You are a family unit not two individuals existing separately. Why not have a joint account for main salaries and pay bills etc out of that. If you are married I think he is legally entitled to half house anyway. Your present arrangement is absurd now that you have children and you are on mat leave.

straightbananas · 20/08/2013 09:32

Can I just sound a warning bell too?ex dh and I were like this too and after we split up, I had to carry on paying everything as this was what had happened when we were married (so once we had separated). Once you set your stall out, it is v hard to change and if you split, he will still get half of everything no matter if he paid sweet fa towards it. Be warned!

MsVestibule · 20/08/2013 09:33

You say he has mentioned he would like to be a SAHD but you appear to think that that's a ludicrous suggestion. Why? If you don't want him to, is it an option for both of you to work part time and share the childcare and household responsibilities?

lurcherlieber · 20/08/2013 09:33

He sounds ridiculously selfish. Dont even think about putting this sponger's name on the deeds! It will come back to bite you on the bum.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 20/08/2013 09:34

Get the shopping delivered .

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2013 09:37

Ridiculous! He needs to grow up.

Sit down, put the money together on a spreadsheet (or piece of paper!), Deduct all the bills, and if you then want to treat what's left over as separate, work it out proportionately as what was put in ( so I bet he'd be left with less than you!)

Don't forget to include things like birthday presents for your DC and family in there too, or you'll be buying those out of your 'spare' cash too!

He can go to all the gigs he likes on the fiver he'll be left with after that lot!

Be prepared for much resistance.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/08/2013 09:39

He is going to be really surprised at how much his hobbies and incidental expenses add up to.

Is he trying to hide debts from you?

A benefit of setting out a budget is that you can see where it's possible to save money and where it isn't. Unable to afford dishwasher tablets while buying DVDs and going to regular gigs? What utter bollocks!