To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

[glossyflower]

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

[DuelingFanjo]

"He made a point of saying shopping this month had cost him £380. " Ask him for evidence. How much of this was things you don't use or consume?

Even if he is not able to pay half the mortgage (Which he should) he MUST pay half the utilities/house insurance/car insurance if he uses the car.

He MUST.

How on earth can he even think it's acceptable for him not to?


I suggest that you only ever go shopping together and both take equal cash so you can split the food shopping right down the middle minus any items he or you buy for yourself. Also - Childcare should be included as a household bill and should be split down the middle.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

£380 a month on shopping for two of you? What's he buying, gold leaf tea bags? He's taking the piss OP. he has it nice and easy.

[Blu]

I would tell him that as he is sorry, and clearly wants you to be happy, you INSIST on a fair and transparent sharing of resources. Until that is what you have you will not be happy and his apology is meaningless.

Tell him that if you have this household account out of which all food shopping etc comes, then you will both be left with a fair share of the 'disposable' income to spend as you choose and you won't need to bicker over gig tickets and £25-worth of tops.

Tell him that the 'enough is enough' time is NOW - that there is a halfway house between you feeling exploited and financially abused and leaving him, and that is to sort out a fair system NOW.

It's ridiculous to claim that he has spent £380 on incidental shopping for lettuce etc over a month for 2 adults when you are picking up the expensive stuff. And tell him not to be a dickhead about internet shopping - any substitutions you don't like, they take it back and deduct it from the bill.

HIGHLY suspicious that he wouldn't show you his account. And tried to deflect you with a joke.

Love is not about exploiting people.

[Blu]

And how can someone who fails to keep track of £18k be so specific about £380 on food shopping? Did he show you the receipts? I bet he has withdrawn £380 cash and imagined his enormous expenditure on lettuce, but has spent it on other things for himself as the week goes on.

[PosyNarker]

See I don't even think be should have equal 'spends'. He frittered away part of 18k on 'spends' so if anything he should tighten his belt more than you re: gigs, going out etc. At worst it should be equal left over but no way should be have more than you!

[Blu]

Glossy - don't be disheartened by feeling that posters here are criticising you. It's really hard to change entrenched habits, it's hard being brave and changing your own 'issues', it's very hard dealing with people who are manipulative (as your DH is, even if he doesn't realise it or plan it that way).

People get frustrated seeing women treated as you are, angry with the DH involved, and want it to stop NOW - for your benefit.

It isn't always easy...keep your spirits up, your resolve firm and your focus on what you righteously want. You have the right, you are in the right. Good luck.

[ratbagcatbag]

Really suspicious of the refusing to show you statements. There's more debt somewhere.

I'd insist on seeing it, otherwise I'd let him see how easy it is it live somewhere for that money and pay approx £175 in child maintenance every month.

Means you can then claim single person on council tax, eat less food etc, you'd be quids in getting rid of him and have less cleaning and washing to do.

[DuelingFanjo]

highly suspicious that he wouldn't go into his account but knew he had spent £380 on food. Did he know this conversation was coming?

[BeCool]

Glossy on Tuesday you said "I don't think he's hiding anything from me, it's just pure laziness."

After the above conversation (well done BTW) when you were sat there together with computer and he STILL wouldn't be transparent re his finances, do you still believe this to be a true statement?

My XP was the same - knew all his "numbers" so no need to look at bank statements, left me to carry the bulk of family bills etc etc blah blah blah. I could never figure out what the issue was - turns out he was hiding a secret cocaine addiction! Watch out!

I think your H is hiding something important from you - still!

[msrisotto]

Well done for trying your best to sit down and sort this out. Thing is, your post has really highlighted to me how he is trying so very hard to hide his spending habits from you. You wouldn't be the first person on here to be married to a man for however long with no idea that he is in a scary amount of debt that he has been hiding from you. It's either that or he's a dickhead who doesn't want to contribute fairly to his family!

[expatinscotland]

Very, very suspicious. Sorry, but I think he is hiding something. The numbers don't add up at all and he tried to laugh it off, turn it into a joke, then got shirty and turned it into a tit-for-tat (well, you bought clothes last month). He had a counter for everything - shopping is expensive, we've always had this arrangement, I never used to contribute.

He likes it this way. He pays next to nothing.

I agree with Blu. Enough is enough needs to be NOW.

'We've always had this arrangement' doesn't work anymore now you have a child. End of.

He shows full transparency and contributes a fair proportion to all household and family expenditures, including childcare on the child he created, too. Non-negotiable.

[expatinscotland]

I think he's hiding scary debt, too, and will be nicey nice thinking to lull you into a false sense of security. Then get shirty when you bring it up again, 'Why do you always have to nag about this?' 'Why aren't you happy?' 'We've always had this arrangement.'

[Squitten]

I don't understand why you are putting up with this.

The point at which he refused to show you his bank statements should have been the moment that entire conversation ground to a halt. Considering he has form with debt and lying about it, there is a MASSIVE ALARM flashing over that.

He is HIDING SOMETHING - it might be something small, or it might be absolutely enourmous but there is a reason he won't let you see how he is spending his money and he damn well knows that you won't like it.

Stop being a mug!

[marfisa]

This is a minor point, but what he says about internet shopping is also rubbish. You can choose the "no substitutes" option and then if something you want is not available, you simply don't receive it. Occasionally this means I have to run out to the shop and buy one or two items because they were missing from the online delivery, but it's not too much hassle and ordering the bulk of the shopping online is still vastly more convenient than doing it all in the shop.

Even you allow the "substitutes" option, the delivery person will tell you which items have been substituted, and you can refuse them if you don't want them.

The main point, though, is that your DP is a twat. Sorry.

[Absy]

Apologies if this has been covered already - but you said you tried to add him to the deeds of the house, but this fell through. Any particular reason, e.g. bad credit score, that would give cause for concern?

I agree that just because this is how it's been doesn't mean it's RIGHT or FAIR. He's an adult, he should bloody well manage take responsibility for himself like one.

[Spindelina]

I know you want to think the best of him, which is great. But you really really need to see those bank statements. Either he's hiding something (big or small - it might just be that he's ashamed of his inability to budget) or he doesn't want to show you on principal (which doesn't wash given the history and your need to trust each other and show each other you trust each other).

The shopping bill is very high, and I think that could be your way in without outright accusing him of lying. Offer to help him work out where the money is being spent. If he fesses up to buying too many coffees, follow through with helping him get on top of it. But if he gets cagey, you can get insistent.

[LaVitaBellissima]

I would get yourself a credit check, I think with experian it costs £2 - this will list all credit cards, loans etc linked to your address, it might flag something up.

[Phineyj]

Yes, do do the credit check - I did one a while back and discovered a store card was creating problems as statements had gone to an old address - it might be enlightening and it is so cheap.

Hang in there. You may be able to improve this situation. It is really difficult when you are trying to budget with someone who is crap at budgeting/not interested in it/secretive but it can be done. You cannot continue putting in 4 x what your partner is - outrageous.

It does make me when one partner dumps all the responsibility for financial planning on the other, but hey ho.

[Blu]

Also - gaslighthing you - denying the former £300 arrangement

Read you post through and see all the differnt ways he tried to head you off course.

It must feel very demoralising talking to someone who does not allow you to be heard. He will sap your energy with this.

[Inertia]

Glossy - good try. I think he is still hiding the truth from you. You need to see actual bank statements.

The gaslighting is a real worry too.

Subs on internet shopping is a total red herring - some have systems which virtually eliminate subs , eg Ocado ( they price match to tesco and it's probably cheaper than shopping several times a week )

[glossyflower]

Hi again.

The credit check is a good idea, I have done them before, but not for about 2 years now so I will do that. Although I thought it doesn't cover anyone at your address, just who you are financially linked to, ie anything in joint names.

I will give him no choice in seeing his statements. I'll tell him to give me his internet banking passwords, so I can check any time. He can have mine if he wants - although not sure why he'd want to.

I will tell him we are giving the internet shopping a try for a couple of months, and I'm not taking no for an answer.

I want a joint account, but not one with both our wages going in. One where we transfer the household bills money into and pay it from there.

The deeds thing fell through because of a previous secured loan (with my ex bf) it needed consolidating in full, before switching the mortgage, which at the time I couldn't do. That loan will be paid off in the next month or so (ex bfs responsibility). Me and DH were approved a new mortgage at the time, so the time of that his credit rating must have been good.

I don't feel criticised, I am grateful for everyones differing views. I would say though, yes if I was reading this post of someone else, I would say get rid of him, he's a freeloading twat, but he's my husband and it's easier said than done.
There are emotions and other practicalities involved. Firstly we chose to be together (for better for worse etc), secondly we had an unplanned child, thirdly, I've always hated the idea of divorce (I would never say never) but ideally it might be nice to have the marriage last at least a year!
At least if it did end, I would know I could financially support myself and my baby.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses...my weakness is finding it hard to say no to people.

I almost feel like saying for him to contribute £400 and I will take care of all the finances including shopping (not personal finances), would that work?

If he's hiding something from me, I would reconsider our marriage as it would be twice he's deceived me...

[peggyundercrackers]

glossy why dont you tell him to give you £400pm that he spends on shopping and that you will do it yourself to save him the hassle of it.

[glossyflower]

Peggy I do like the sound of that idea, and it's a possibility.
I know I will prefer being in total control of the finances, but we should be a team (in a ideal world).

[Squitten]

Do nothing until you see those bank statements. Could well be a game-changer...

[BeCool]

if he isn't financially trustworthy would you be able to open a joint account and trust him NOT to take funds out for himself when he gets into financial pressure? As he would be able to do.

I'd be very wary.