To complain to exH about board money he is charging DS?

[midori1999]

I have DS's 1 and 2 with exH. DS moved to live with exH last year when he was 16 to start an apprenticeship where exH works, at his Uncle's company. This was a good opportunity for DS and exH had suggested it. It's too far to travel daily, about 2 hours away, hence DS moving in with exH.

When he first moved his wages were about £400 a month, plus overtime if he did it. I discussed board with exH and he suggested asking DS for £80 a month, which I agreed with. Then, when they moved from the flat they lived in to a house, exH put the board money up to £120 a month. He didn't discuss it with me, I found out from DS. I haven't ever mentioned it to exH and DS didn't want me to.

However, now DS's wages have doubled and exH has told him his board money is now £320 a month. DS is still only 17.

AIBU to think this is too much and discuss it with exH? As far as I know he doesn't need the money and as DS has been sensible and managed to save up a decent amount over the last year, so I feel he should be encouraged to save while he has the chance and that extra board money is money he could be saving. DS pay for some of his own food and obviously all his clothes, shoes, leisure activities, transport etc and things he needs for work.

Not sure it's entirely relevant, but exH 'only' pays £200 a month is maintenance for DS2, which I suspect is far less than the 15% the CSA would suggest for one child (Probably a third of that at least) and he paid the same when DS1 lived here too. I discussed maintenance changing when DS1 moved there and exH wanted to keep things the same. I have never rocked the boat about the amount of maintenance as we do get on fairly well, but I do feel a bit irritated by the fact he is now asking DS1 for over half that amount again when DS1 is still responsible for a lot of his own expenses.

I do think Ds1 should pay some board, but AIBU to think £320 is too much?

Clearly not everybody thinks she was bu.

XP shouldn't have gone off on one, he was in the wrong there.
But I maintain OP shouldn't have called him, and if she felt she must I'm not sure doing it in the middle of the working day was the best approach either. XP obviously sees the son as adult, so would see her approach as interfering.

Clearly other posters don't believe in charging earning DCs for board - it's something that usually polarises opinion here. I still maintain £80pw for full board and lodging is OK.

I agree with paying something but charging a 17 year old exactly a third of the costs I think is going to far, when he is saving for his future and you earn 100k per annum.

Totally on OPs side.

While I agree that the amount is excessive I still believe the op needed to butt out. The op in this instance is the nrp and as such should provide her son with a listening ear and advice but not try to dictate to the parent with care. The op is still viewing herself as in control of her exh household and trying to dictate and that is unreasonable.

The op in this instance is the nrp and as such should provide her son with a listening ear and advice but not try to dictate to the parent with care

Quite. Can you imagine the outrage if this had happened in a more traditional set-up and the RP had posted here about a call from her ex about the board she is charging?
Double standards much?

When I was 16 I had my own home, a child to care for and bills to pay, I agreed with the rent before I moved in.

If Anyone had gone to my landlord and complained about how much rent I was paying behind my back I would have been furious.

Op has said her ds2 is now swaying on the side of moving in with his dad too iirc. I think this speaks volumes.

It seems to me that the Op can not deal with not having control over everyone. I completely understand why the xh went off on one.

Her poor ds has been made to look stupid by her actions and that is extremely unfair on him.

If had been other way round and she had gone off ag xp i would have said she was bu. just because her child has moved in with xp doesnt mean she cant ring xp to discuss things regarding her own child.
Maybe her other son wants to move in with xp because he wants to see mode of him, dont think it says anything about her parenting.

Did your landlord put up your rent whenever he fancied or if you earned a bit more though? Or did you agree a figure and stick to it. Its not a landlord, its his own father. He is 17 and hasn't had to grow up quickly by having a baby. OP didnt speak to his landlord, she tried to discuss her son with his father.

He shouldnt be made to feel stupid by his parents having a conversation about him, surely this is 100% normal? Shouldnt OP have a right to discuss him with his father? I think so.

Shouldnt OP have a right to discuss him with his father? I think so.

Social convention and family law think otherwise.

The RP - which in this case is the DCs father, has the responsibility to make day-to-day decisions for the DC, and the NRP should be involved in the significant medical and education decisions.
How much 'board' a DC pays, what chores they do, the consequences for smoking etc are all day-to-day decisions and when co-parenting isn't possible, the RP has that responsibility.

In this case, the OP has not mentioned any SN, so a court would not get involved in residency, cobtact or specific issues as the DS is deemed old enough to make decisions for himself. The OPs DS asked the OP not to mention the issue to his Dad, he asked her not to get involved, and yet she did. That might go some way to explaining the DS choice of residency.

I'm sure it should be worth pointing out in the Dad is a horror, that he's not his real Dad but treated him as his own, and paid maintenance for a son that isn't his.

So in the shock horror, this man is not all bad.

Dadisthelion Are you the Dad?

Just pointing out that if the 17 yr old lad here had a girlfriend who he got pregnant i take it his father would still be treating him as an adult? Or would he be saying You are too young and still wet behind the ears to know what you are doing.

No I'm not.
Just read the back story.

Dad where did you getvthe back story because its very clearly implied in this thread that the dc are his.

I'm wondering about the backstory also. I can not find anything.

Skimmed through the thread so apologies if I have missed anything.

Your DS didn't want you to discuss with your XP.
Your DS is living with your XP to enable him to easily continue an apprenticeship which will give him a solid future.

Why didn't you respect your DS's wishes?

Your DS is now being thrown out of his home, and may lose his apprenticeship, as well as having his father ranting at him because you think he is being unfairly charged for keep and want to discuss it?

I understand your feelings OP, I really do. No one wants to think their DC are being ripped off, and especially by their own parent, but would I want to discuss any part of my income/finances/financial dealings with my XP? Absolutely not!!!

How would you feel if your DS moved back home and your XP rang you to discuss his feelings on hearing that you were charging DS too little?
It's the thin end of the wedge imo.
Do you discuss other things with your XP wrt your son and the way things are at your XP's?

The thing I'm finding it hardest to get over is that your DS asked you not to mention it to your XP, and you deliberately ignored that. I think your DS will find that hard to get over too.

littlemisssarcastic You have said everything I wanted to say I'm not really good with words

littlemisssarcastic but why, in your scenario, would the OP then go and throw her DS out ?

It doesn't make sense to me and I wonder what's going on in the background, as I mentioned upthread.

Fascinating that people such as Dadisthelion come along and make up bizarre shit to try to paint the OP as the baddie. The OP says clearly 'exDH' is the father of ds1 and ds2. Dadisthelion then comes along and claims the ex is actually a step-father who took on another man's child and is a good guy - but when challenged, can't come up with anything to justify these claims.

This isn't a lodger, it's his son.

This isn't a 25 year-old son, it's a 17 year-old son.

It's too much, and to be honest, if I were your son at that price I would want to move into a houseshare and just see my dad for Sunday roasts.

I agree with TryHarder. How is it reasonable for Exh to only pay £200 for his other son monthly, yet expect his elder son to pay £320? I wouldnt charge my DS that much at all. Why? Let him save and enjoy his money whilst young, and perhaps save. Thats no sin. £800 monthly in this day and age hardly amounts to megabucks, especially when £320 is deducted from it each month.

I charge my eldest DD £50 weekly..I dont feel a need to leap on her money with an oh well youre working now so thats it attitude. I dont buy her clothes, or work meals etc. She'll learn more about money as she moves through life, same as we all do. Im happy she is sensible with money, and has a chance to save some money - which, she does - before leaving home. I believe in giving our DCs the best start we can in life, within our means.

Whats wrong with say £50 per week? I should think thats pretty reasonable, after all thats what exH is paying for his younger son isnt it, so he clearly sees that as a fair amount. I wouldnt have spoken to Exh about it, tho. Still, its probably best your son moves out, OP. Get a flatshare, maybe. Money causes all sorts of issues and parents arent always reasonable about it - like anyone, sometimes they just have a point to prove.

cumfy OP's DS's home is with OP's xh. OP posted on Monday at.19.06 that her xp is now threatening to throw their DS out over this situation that OP has instigated.
There's no mystery.
OP's DS has already explained that he would find it very difficult to travel to work from OP's home even if he moved back.
I know of no back story.

MistressDeeCee

"How is it reasonable for Exh to only pay £200 for his other son monthly"

As explained up thread, it is the ExH's half share in the cost of bringing up DS2, by your reasoning the ExH should be charging £400 pcm.

I'd like to know if the uncle knows about the situation.
He seems pleased enough with the DS, as he has doubled his wage. I wonder if uncle realises that half of that payrise is lining XH's pockets? I would suggest to DS that he innocently ask uncle about local housing and wait for uncle to ask why.

Oh ok - I misread that re.it being halfshare. However I still think its mean to charge DS that much but perhaps some parents feel its ok to show their DCs the hard way.

I have a friend like that - attitude that young people don't need all that money - but throughout Uni days & 1st year of work she was happy for parents to help with bills to give her a start. Yet she's focused on her DDs money like a hawk & doesn't seem to mind saying so.

I feel OP was unreasonable to speak to EXh directly, but not unreasonable for being annoyed. I would be. If DS gets thrown out well then, he'll have to look into bedsit or flatshare. Or go back to mum's unless it really is absolutely impossible to get to work from there.