To complain to exH about board money he is charging DS?

[midori1999]

I have DS's 1 and 2 with exH. DS moved to live with exH last year when he was 16 to start an apprenticeship where exH works, at his Uncle's company. This was a good opportunity for DS and exH had suggested it. It's too far to travel daily, about 2 hours away, hence DS moving in with exH.

When he first moved his wages were about £400 a month, plus overtime if he did it. I discussed board with exH and he suggested asking DS for £80 a month, which I agreed with. Then, when they moved from the flat they lived in to a house, exH put the board money up to £120 a month. He didn't discuss it with me, I found out from DS. I haven't ever mentioned it to exH and DS didn't want me to.

However, now DS's wages have doubled and exH has told him his board money is now £320 a month. DS is still only 17.

AIBU to think this is too much and discuss it with exH? As far as I know he doesn't need the money and as DS has been sensible and managed to save up a decent amount over the last year, so I feel he should be encouraged to save while he has the chance and that extra board money is money he could be saving. DS pay for some of his own food and obviously all his clothes, shoes, leisure activities, transport etc and things he needs for work.

Not sure it's entirely relevant, but exH 'only' pays £200 a month is maintenance for DS2, which I suspect is far less than the 15% the CSA would suggest for one child (Probably a third of that at least) and he paid the same when DS1 lived here too. I discussed maintenance changing when DS1 moved there and exH wanted to keep things the same. I have never rocked the boat about the amount of maintenance as we do get on fairly well, but I do feel a bit irritated by the fact he is now asking DS1 for over half that amount again when DS1 is still responsible for a lot of his own expenses.

I do think Ds1 should pay some board, but AIBU to think £320 is too much?

midori If your DS was lodging with me, and I agreed with him a change to the board he was paying and when he told you about it you rang me up to discuss it because you didnt think it was fair, I'd turf him out the first chance I had.

Your DS Dad is treating him the way he will be treated in the adult world - the world he is already living in and the world whose rules he is now governed by.

You may not like it, or agree with it, but that is what your ex has decided to do, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Yes, he was wrong to shout at you - but he is under no obligation to discuss something with you that both he and your DS consider is none of your business.

why should anyone be paying their parents money as 'keep?' I think if you decide to have children, you should pay to look after them until they are 18.

Many parents are faced with the stark reality of relying on Child Benefit and tax credits in order to keep a roof over their DC's heads; you know, what with the recession and redundancy and all?

when a 16/17 year old DC is earning their own income, those benefits stop - so keeping a roof over their head becomes impossible unless they chip in.

The thing that stands out most here for me is what kind of vindictive bastard makes his own son hpmeless and shouts at him at work over a row with his child' s mother ?

Op it isn't unreasonable to expect a rational discussion about your children with their other parent . It is perfectly reasonable to expect the NRP to pay the correct amount of maintenance for their child.

Christ, at 25 I was back at my dad's for 4 months earlier this year

Alternatively, at 16 I'd left home and have had no parental support since. I could also have been legally married, legally paid tax and NI, legally fought for my country, legally had children...

I agree with many others that you shouldn't have confronted your ex. You should have encouraged your son to negotiate and discuss it with his father. Instead you butted in and made the situation 10x worse than it is. Treat your son like an adult and provide him with the tools and advice to resolve a problem not take over and make the problem worse.

Embarrassed at work and now out of a home.

BoneyBack "I suspect he will change his mind but is using the son as a pawn to avoid paying proper maintenance for his other son" you are projecting

Well since so far I have "projected" correctly, so I stand by my warning.

I'm not basing this on "projection" (whatever you mean by that) but on similar situations in family law cases I've had.

The best advice is for the son to get independent asap. Obviously theres a recession and a job is a job but certain things become more likely to happen in certain situations where people have shown past behaviours.

midori
To be honest, I'm wondering if I'm in a parallel universe, because I can't see how asking to discuss something with my child's other parent somehow justifies my exH's behaviour, particularly him taking it out on DS, or means I have caused my DS upset

Well, indeed. It seems that the ex has somehow got everyone to tiptoe around him, afraid of upsetting him. And the results thus far from that strategy for the dcs are not that good, but excellent for the ex.

Countless people told you to keep your nose out but it seems you had no intention of following their advice. Instead you have steamed in and made your sons position a thousand times worse.
If you had no intention of following any advice, why bother to ask?

Your ex is clearly a very nasty piece of work - throwing a temper tantrum because you dared to ask to speak to him, and then going and causing a scene at work with ds, when ds had done nothing wrong at all. What a horrible, pathetic bully.

As his Dad's such a git, I suspect your ds would be better off finding somewhere else to live - which he should be able to do for the same amount ex is charging him.

Can you clarify.

Is it actually a apprentice position with college attendance? So is he still classed as in full time education?

Op i dont think you did anything wrong except you should have made it clear your son wasn't complaining behinds his dads back. Your son is not yet an adult you had every right to discuss the arrangement with your ex partner. You shouldn't be afraid of what your ex would do as he should be an adult, clearly he isn't by his recent behaviour. I cant believe an adult would kick his son out over an argument with you.i feel sorry for your son.

As an Apprentice I'm guessing he earns in the region of £3 per hour. Is he working towards a Level 2 qualification? £80 per week board will surely be a large proportion of his wages. Your ex sounds a right arse.

I don't think you have done anything wrong.

DS is under 17. You weren't phoning up to scream at him, you were just asking. I don't see how anyone can find that unreasonable in a sane world which of course, MNet isn't.

I am living back at my parents with my daughter at the moment and only pay £40 a week, but pay for stuff for myself like extra food that isn't bought at the main shop. I have offered more, but my Mum wont accept it, even on her wage which isn't very much. She has Dad's money too, but that goes towards bills.

I offered to pay it, as I wouldn't want to see them struggling. I don't have a wage, I have a 4 1/2 month old baby but do get benefits at the moment and my partner works in a teaching role (but not very high up, may I add).

I find it totally bizarre to charge your kids an extortionate amount to stay with you. You either want them to stay with you because you want to help and are able to provide, or you don't. After 18, I still would find it bizarre to charge a large amount, unless your child earned a lot more than you(which would be odd if they were living with you). Under 18 I'd not charge at all, unless I was so desperate I couldn't pay the rent, but that wouldn't happen.

Can I ask how many people would be happy if the nrp started questioning day to day details at home with the chikdren ie amount of spending money given when there is obvious friction between parents.

I think that if your ExH carries out his threat to kick your DS out on Friday, then you should go to the CSA about maintenance payments. However, that's a separate issue. I don't think you should have got involved, your DS wasn't complaininig, his DF MAY be saving some of the money for when he moves out (as we do for our DS), or he may not, but that's up to your DS to discuss with him his DF, not you. He is growing up and the best thing you can do for him is to let him find his feet and fight his own battles. £320 is a lot on money, if none of it is being saved, but you don't really have any idea of what money your Ex has available and how much he may rely on that money to pay the rent. I was paying £80 a week just for accommodation, when I was in uni - 20 years ago!

Sock yes, it's an actual apprenticeship where DS goes to college one day a week, but I'm not sure it's classed as full time education as he is getting paid?

bookfairy DS has been on £2.66 an hour I think but that is apparently doubling as he has been with the company a year now.

Luckily, DS seems more grown up then his father is. He says he is ok, away in London tonight, working there tomorrow and will discuss with his Dad after work tomorrow. He says his job has nothing to do with his Father, it's his Uncles' company. As far as I'm aware they are very pleased with his work and college results so far. DS really loves his job and hopefully this won't affect it.

ExH never behaved in this way when we were married. Yes, we had the odd row, but he was never nasty or abusive or anything. I'm wondering if things have been amicable since the split as I've let a lot of things go. DS finds him hard to talk to, so maybe he's just like this now.

I used to give my parents 50% if everything I earn't from 16 onwards (as soon as I git a job) it still worked out cheaper than having my own place.

As for what your ex pays you for dc2 surely that's different as I presume they are still at school?!

justforlaughs no, I don't have any idea how much money my ex has available or how much he earns, but I do know he was on £100,000 plus prior to going to work for his brothers and he has always put earning a lot of money above most other things, so I find it hard to believe he's on an especially low wage. Also, considering he holds a senior position at the same company DS works for, surely his wages must be significantly more than the apprentices?

I think it is too much for him to be paying. When I started working my dp's charged me a small amount of rent, on the understanding that I would instead save a proportion of my earnings. These savings built up and I put it towards a deposit for my first flat, so I really thank my dp's for this help. If your ex h does not need the money then it is wrong to profit from his ds who is just starting out.

Tbh, I don't see much point in posting on this thread. The OP has obviously made up her mind that she INBU and is ignoring anyone who tells her otherwise. She ignored the advice given at the start of the thread and has just gone on to try to persuade people that she is in the right, when many of us disagreed then and still do, despite the fact that posters could see what would happen if she interfered. I'm off to bed!

I'm on OPs side in this. She should certainly be able to discuss it with ex h without him behaving like this!

Your DS Dad is treating him the way he will be treated in the adult world

In the real world, rent doesn't go from £80 to £120 to £320 in the space of a year. If DS is going to stay there then I would suggest that he needs to sort out his terms & conditions.

He earns £100,000+ a year? Get yourself to the CSA!

I'm amazed that XH is renting and not buying. And I can't believe anyone earning that much would charge their DC anything (unless it was an savings-under-another-name thing).

I think the rent and the CSA issues are 2 completely separate issues and should be dealt with as suuch

Whether you should be able to discuss doesn't really matter. It would appear you can't.

What is done is done. I would chat to your DS and ask him if there is anything you can help him with.

At 17 I was pretty much sorted and he sounds like he has himself together so lethim get on with it. Perhaps you could give him 'his' portion of the maintenance ExH pays for him?

This dick earns a ~£100k ?

Are you 100% sure no housing benefit is or was being claimed ?

I rather get the sense that either

1. Sis was claiming HB, but can't now because of total household income

2 Or now the current accommodation has been obtained DS is surplus to requirement.

1. Or DS is now starting to be party to information about XH (eg financial info) which might affect CSA or conversely XH's pride.

There is definitely something going on that XH is getting angry about and a penny to a pound it's little directly to do with DS or the rent.