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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain to exH about board money he is charging DS?

133 replies

midori1999 · 19/08/2013 14:16

I have DS's 1 and 2 with exH. DS moved to live with exH last year when he was 16 to start an apprenticeship where exH works, at his Uncle's company. This was a good opportunity for DS and exH had suggested it. It's too far to travel daily, about 2 hours away, hence DS moving in with exH.

When he first moved his wages were about £400 a month, plus overtime if he did it. I discussed board with exH and he suggested asking DS for £80 a month, which I agreed with. Then, when they moved from the flat they lived in to a house, exH put the board money up to £120 a month. He didn't discuss it with me, I found out from DS. I haven't ever mentioned it to exH and DS didn't want me to.

However, now DS's wages have doubled and exH has told him his board money is now £320 a month. DS is still only 17.

AIBU to think this is too much and discuss it with exH? As far as I know he doesn't need the money and as DS has been sensible and managed to save up a decent amount over the last year, so I feel he should be encouraged to save while he has the chance and that extra board money is money he could be saving. DS pay for some of his own food and obviously all his clothes, shoes, leisure activities, transport etc and things he needs for work.

Not sure it's entirely relevant, but exH 'only' pays £200 a month is maintenance for DS2, which I suspect is far less than the 15% the CSA would suggest for one child (Probably a third of that at least) and he paid the same when DS1 lived here too. I discussed maintenance changing when DS1 moved there and exH wanted to keep things the same. I have never rocked the boat about the amount of maintenance as we do get on fairly well, but I do feel a bit irritated by the fact he is now asking DS1 for over half that amount again when DS1 is still responsible for a lot of his own expenses.

I do think Ds1 should pay some board, but AIBU to think £320 is too much?

OP posts:
senua · 19/08/2013 15:50

I think that midori has the right to get involved. DS1 is still a child, he is not 18 yet.
Also it affects her: how can XH justify charging DS1 more than XH pays in maintenance for DS2?

Original poster
midori1999 · 19/08/2013 15:51

crinkle I am not trying to tell exH how much to charge DS, I wanted to discuss it with him as I think it would be nice for DS to be enabled to save as much as possible while he can.

OP posts:
maja00 · 19/08/2013 15:54

It's steep, 1/3 would be fairer imo, but I wouldn't get involved - it's between DS1 and his dad.

However, if you think he is underpaying child support then go to the CSA.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 19/08/2013 15:55

how can XH justify charging DS1 more than XH pays in maintenance for DS2?

BEcause CSA is a contribution towards the DC's costs - both parents should contribute. In the case of the older DC, the OP is not contributing towards his keep, as he is earning the OP's ex cannot claim maintenance for him from the OP, even though he is incurring costs.

Original poster
midori1999 · 19/08/2013 15:56

Aflfalfamum I didn't 'have a go' at my exH about it at all, I asked him if we could discuss it which led to him 'having a go' at me.

China my exH was always welcome to discuss and be involved in parenting decision before, he chose not to be. He knew when I agreed for DS to move there and work with him (Largely because DS wanted to, but there had been a lot of persuasion on exH's part and the same is now happening with DS2) that I intended to still take a part in parenting him, in as much as a 16/17 year old needs parenting. We had specifically discussed what board DS would be charged prior to him moving there and exH knew this was a concern of mine.

OP posts:
Runningchick123 · 19/08/2013 16:00

I think £80 per week if it includes food is not terribly unreasonable in relation to your sons earnings.
The sticking point for me is that your exH only pays £200 per month for your DS2, however, if your exs contribution to DS2 is £200 then your contribution should also be £200 which amounts to £400 which is more than the monthly many that DS1 is being charged.
I suppose your ex could argue that if it is only reasonable to charge costs of £120 per month to DS1, then his maintenance for DS2 should only be £60 (half of the £120 ).

I thik you should go through the CSA for maintenance for DS2 and let DS1 sort out his own arrangements with his dad. Could DS1 come and lve with you? Could he get a house share? Or is he happy with his current arrangements?

Original poster
midori1999 · 19/08/2013 16:06

runningchick I would have been happy to take a drop in maintenance when DS1 moved to live with his father in order to keep DS1's contribution to household costs lower and exH knew this.

DS1 would be more than welcome to come and live here, but he can't get to work from here sadly.

I can see what you're saying re the maintenance, but there are more expenses involved with DS2 as DS1 pays for a lot of things himself on top of what he gives his Dad.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 19/08/2013 16:10

I agree with reeta30 on this: if an adult child is earning money, why shouldn't he or she contribute to the household coffers by paying for their keep? 30% is reasonable and is what I had to pay my parents from my wages in my first (low paying) job. It is entirely wrong IMHO to let adult children live rent free as it gives them a warped view of the world, they are less likely to be able to manage their finances and will kepp yo-yo'ing back to M&D as it is free! If he is paying more than 30% though, that strikes me as rather steep. Assuming he is paying his Dad more than 30% and cannot negotiate a better rate, then why doesn't find somewhere else to live and branch out on his own? He could lodge somewhere or do a houseshare surely?

Vivacia · 19/08/2013 16:11

Or is he happy with his current arrangements?

Unfortunately irrelevant now that the dad thinks he's been complaining behind his back and has kicked him out.

Runningchick123 · 19/08/2013 16:14

Then surely the answer is for you to take pity on DS1 and give Him some of the maintenance money (the portion that you said you were happy to forgo when he moved out). Thereby DS1 has more cash in his pocket and you haven't gotten to an argument with exH about the matter as he doesn't need to know. Or you could play ex at his own game and go through the CSa and give any additional maintenance awarded to DS1 (therefore exH doesn't benefit financially from DS1 but you aren't worse off either).

LaurieFairyCake · 19/08/2013 16:39

I think very simply it's between him and his dad.

If your DS thinks he can get bed/board/bills cheaper elsewhere then he can shop around.

On a separate note go to the CSa for proper maintenance, it's for your kid!

LessMissAbs · 19/08/2013 16:54

BoneyBack"or it sounds like he is always going to be living life on the whim of tolerance of your ex and his uncle."That's a major assumption based on next to nothing

Unfortunatley it seems to be borne out by the latest turn of events.

Its not the OP's fault if the ex is prepared to kick out his own son on a whim so easily. I suspect he will change his mind but is using the son as a pawn to avoid paying proper maintenance for his other son

Suggest to your DS that he looks on the college noticeboards for a shared room, its a good time of year to be looking.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/08/2013 17:36

LessMiss

At this point in time you have nothing on the uncle at all, as for
"I suspect he will change his mind but is using the son as a pawn to avoid paying proper maintenance for his other son" you are projecting.

PorkPieandPickle · 19/08/2013 18:47

The amount of board is between your ds and ex, and nothing to do with you, and I can see why he was annoyed with you. My mum charged me a similar amount 15 years ago! If my dad had stuck his oar in and asked her about it i know she would have been livid!!

As to maintenance, the amount he should pay depends on what he earns and how many overnights ds2 has with his dad. Check the CSA calculator if you have an idea what ex earns.

To be honest, it sounds like you still quite angry and bitter towards your ex about other matters... Sorry, but I think you should take a step back and think how this will affect ds1.

Original poster
midori1999 · 19/08/2013 19:06

No Pork, I'm not angry and bitter about other matters...

I'm angry because when I asked to discuss something with him I got shouted at and then he started ranting at DS telling him he has to move out.

To be honest, I'm wondering if I'm in a parallel universe, because I can't see how asking to discuss something with my child's other parent somehow justifies my exH's behaviour, particularly him taking it out on DS, or means I have caused my DS upset, which is what some posters have said. Whether its any of my business or not, my exH is acting like a prick and apparently prepared to tell DS he has to move out because I asked him if we could discuss something...

OP posts:
Chunderella · 19/08/2013 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comingintomyown · 19/08/2013 19:22

OP I agree your XH had no business kicking off like that and I assume hes either an arsehole or you have hit a nerve and perhaps he feels a bit guilty at the amount he charges ?

I have a DS of 16 who is staying with XH for a couple of months and I feel for you having to have your DS staying away (for good reasons I know) much less feeling he is being treated a bit harshly by his Dad

I hope this blows over and he doesnt carry out his nasty threat

Retroformica · 19/08/2013 19:44

Under 19 so accommodation should be free in parents home.

ARealDame · 19/08/2013 19:52

Honestly OP, I think your feelings and your actions are right, and I am indeed wondering if I also am living in a parallel universe. Am I the only one Confused?

Firstly, I see no reason why you can't question your ex-H about charging your son for rent!! Under 18 your son is still a minor, and you are still his parent!! £320 is quite a lot I also think, though if it includes everything, not so bad; however, as you rightly say, I think you should be entitled to question it without your ex going beserk on the phone, even if he disagrees. He sounds like a right bully, no wonder he's your ex. I doubt DS1 has a great experience with his dad anyway, given his attitude, but I guess you have to let him make his own mind up (which he may well be doing).

Anyway, I don't know what you can do now. Maybe not much; just let your son get on with his apprenticeship? By the way, I would definitely go for more from CSA for your other son (how old is he?).

breatheslowly · 19/08/2013 20:07

I think that you really need to separate the CSA issue from the DS1 rent issue.

If you haven't gone to the CSA all this time then it really is your own lookout. Your DH doesn't owe you this backdated all of those years as you never claimed it. I know that this isn't what you are saying, but it feels like you think he should treat your DS1 differently because of it.

I honestly don't think that the amount your DS1 pays in rent is your business. By all means discuss it with your DS1 and support him in talking to his Dad - but even though he is 17, it is his relationship rather than yours. It doesn't seem like an unreasonable amount to take out of £800 per month but might make your DS consider alternatives. It will be interesting to see whether your ExH struggles without it.

Retroformica - Under 19 so accommodation should be free in parents home I don't think this rule exists.

mayoandchips · 19/08/2013 20:17

this may be controversial, but why should anyone be paying their parents money as 'keep?' I think if you decide to have children, you should pay to look after them until they are 18.
The words 'board' and 'lodge' make me cringe.

valiumredhead · 19/08/2013 20:18

Why 19 if you are an adult at 18?Confused

Runningchick123 · 19/08/2013 20:20

How can people say that at 17 they shouldn't pay rent because they are still minors? Fair enough if they are at college and have no name then they shouldn't be charged for lodgings (also depending on parental income they will still be entitled to claim child benefit and tax credits if the young person is at college). But if a young person earns £800 per month then they should contribute to their overheads.
Paying lodgings teaches the young person to be responsible with their earnings and also teaches them that home is not the same as a doss house and that things cost money. If a parent doesn't need the money then they can always save it and give it back to the child in a lump sum towards their first home etc.
Paying £320 out of £800 each month still leaves the young person with over £100 per week to spend as he wishes. How many parents have £100 every week to spend on themselves?

PrincessScrumpy · 19/08/2013 20:26

My brother and I had to pay my parents 10 percent of our salary - this made it fairer as db went to Cambridge so my parents felt he could afford more as he had a good job... shortly before I left home I was actually earning more so it all balanced out. I'll do the same for my dc - but he is his dad and it's him he's living with so your soon has to live by his rules. I'm afraid you don't get a say except to offer a better deal.

Takingbackmonday · 19/08/2013 20:27

That is horrendous.

Christ, at 25 I was back at my dad's for 4 months earlier this year. The idea of paying rent at your parents' house (if they can afford for the dc in question not to) is so strange. I cooked, bought own food etc but if asked to pay rent it wouldn't feel like my real 'home' as your parents' always should. Maybe I have a v generous DF and rose tinted specs.

Ether way your exh is over charging horribly