To complain to exH about board money he is charging DS?

[midori1999]

I have DS's 1 and 2 with exH. DS moved to live with exH last year when he was 16 to start an apprenticeship where exH works, at his Uncle's company. This was a good opportunity for DS and exH had suggested it. It's too far to travel daily, about 2 hours away, hence DS moving in with exH.

When he first moved his wages were about £400 a month, plus overtime if he did it. I discussed board with exH and he suggested asking DS for £80 a month, which I agreed with. Then, when they moved from the flat they lived in to a house, exH put the board money up to £120 a month. He didn't discuss it with me, I found out from DS. I haven't ever mentioned it to exH and DS didn't want me to.

However, now DS's wages have doubled and exH has told him his board money is now £320 a month. DS is still only 17.

AIBU to think this is too much and discuss it with exH? As far as I know he doesn't need the money and as DS has been sensible and managed to save up a decent amount over the last year, so I feel he should be encouraged to save while he has the chance and that extra board money is money he could be saving. DS pay for some of his own food and obviously all his clothes, shoes, leisure activities, transport etc and things he needs for work.

Not sure it's entirely relevant, but exH 'only' pays £200 a month is maintenance for DS2, which I suspect is far less than the 15% the CSA would suggest for one child (Probably a third of that at least) and he paid the same when DS1 lived here too. I discussed maintenance changing when DS1 moved there and exH wanted to keep things the same. I have never rocked the boat about the amount of maintenance as we do get on fairly well, but I do feel a bit irritated by the fact he is now asking DS1 for over half that amount again when DS1 is still responsible for a lot of his own expenses.

I do think Ds1 should pay some board, but AIBU to think £320 is too much?

well I text exH to ask if he could please ring when he got a chance, as he is working today.

ALL I said was that DS had mentioned the board money to me and I wanted to discuss it as if what DS had said was true then I felt it might be a bit too much and exH totally went off it, shouting at me down the phone, saying it was a third of the outgoings (they also live with exH's sister) and none of my business and that I could find DS a job and he could live with me then. He then started ranting about if DS can afford to smoke... the first I knew about it, as DS certainly doesn't smoke when he's here and I am wondering why exH didn't mentioned DS smoking before this. I couldn't get a word in, except for stupidly saying that if all that was the case then he could expect a letter from the CSA regarding the maintenance then before exH hung up.

I can't quite believe he reacted like this and now DS has just texting asking what I said as apparently his Dad is ranting at him at work.

I don't think you should have interfered, to be honest.

before you go to the CSA (if you are), check to see if DS1 comes under education or training you may find that you could lose more than you gain.

God I'm going to have a chat with DD when she gets in from work!
She pays half that amount and earns more than your DS.
He should bring it up with your ex though, not you. Seems a bit steep to me though especially if you say ex isn't short of money.
I expect dd to save a good amount every month though as I charge her so little,she is saving for a deposit.

You asked, you were advised not to interfere. You did. No point giving you advice, you won't take it anyway!

midori Did you successfully co-parent when both your DS's were living with you?

The way you have said you expected your ex to talk to you about your DS smoking and board suggests that you are feeling cut-off suddenly; do you keep your ex up to date about your younger DS life and did you expect him to return the favour?

I think that's quite steep for a minor who is employed in a training role.

But its down to your ds to resolve not you. Go and have a look at the csa calculator to see what ex should be paying.

I agree with you, it does seem a very steep amoung to charge him. However I think you should have left it, your DS still has some money and XH is the one he should be taking it up with. I'm not surprised your XH went off on one to be honest.

I think you should not have interfered.

You have made it sound to your ex that your ds was moaning about how much he was having to pay behind his dads back and that was unfair as he wasn't moaning about it.

You have caused your ds trouble for no reason.

If nothing else, please make it clear to XH that DS did not complain and ask you to speak on his behalf. Not fair to screw up his relationship with his dad and even perhaps his job because you decided to get involved.

Are you also sure that the rent didn't go up as he is now effectively house sharing with exH's sister?

tbh I would stand up to your ex over the child maintenance because not doing so has hardly done much good until now. But wait until your ds had been working there for at least two years, so they can't sack him out of spite.

Your ds is best getting out of both that house and that job as soon as another decent opportunity presents itself, or it sounds like he is always going to be living life on the whim of tolerance of your ex and his uncle.

Is it really reasonable for my exH to 'go off it' just because I asked to discuss it with him? To start shouting down the phone at me? Really?

chinacup exH worked away when we were still married. This was the main reason for the break up. He wouldn't work near home for less money even though we could afford to and he then stopped speaking to his family. I had moved to be near his family, 350 miles from mine, when we married as otherwise he would have struggled to see them at all with him working away. So I suppose we never really had to co parent. He worked, I looked after the DC. I do keep him up to date with DS2, although as DS2 is 12, he speaks to his Dad regularly on Skype himself.

He has worked abroad and see the DS's intermittently in the past and I have never said anything to him and never complained, just got on with it, made the best of it I could and facilitated him seeing the DS's when he said he could. Even though he lives only 2 hours away now he only sees DS2 once every month or couple of months for a weekend, then longer in the holidays. I know that's not relevant to this really, but I have tried to be accommodating and now I feel he's being unfair to DS and I just wanted to discuss it with him.

If your DS wages have doubled then people who say the amount he pays exh should too are not taking into account though his wages have doubled your ex h is asking for more than double the 120, it should only be 240 if your working ob double wages, double rent.

"or it sounds like he is always going to be living life on the whim of tolerance of your ex and his uncle."

That's a major assumption based on next to nothing.

Then, when they moved from the flat they lived in to a house, exH put the board money up to £120 a month.

Did poor old DS have a say in this? It's an amazing co-incidence that XH took on greater outgoings when DS and his money arrived on the scene ...
Help DS to research what else he could get for the same money but leave the decision up to him.

boney exH's sister was already living with them prior to this move and prior to DS moving in. Rents in their area for a 3 bedroom house start at around £500 a month and there are lots of available properties in that bracket, although obviously I don't know what rent he pays.

According to DS his job is nothing to do with his Dad, although his Dad is a manager there. DS says this has nothing to do with his job and his Dad has no say in that. I hope that is true. They have been very pleased with his work from what I understand, DS is doing well at college and works very hard. He loves his job and he gets on well with everyone there, as he always gets on with everyone.

well I think it is between your son and his father, I would probably take about £60 if it was me, but your son still has £120 a week for himself and as others he could always move out if he wanted and get his own room somewhere else

It is unreasonable for you to discuss it as your son needs to do it himself if he wishes to. Your son is working full time you need to let him deal with things himself, you can advise him but do not take over like this. Your son has the right to make his own choices.

I have to agree it is a bit stingy but I don't think you can tell him how much rent to charge in his own home

I think it would be better to encourage your son to discuss it with his dad if it's an issue for him. He always had the option of finding somewhere cheaper if he wishes.

According to DS1, exH has shouted at him while at work and told him he must move out by Friday. I find it very hard to think that exH is anything but a nasty prick to do this.

I think £80 a week is fair if it includes rent, food and bills. Once someone is earning a wage they need to start contributing.

You were unreasonable to have a go at your exH about it.
Sorry to hear about the smoking :(

Your poor ds, You have put him in an awful situation when it was not your place to get involved :(

I have tried to be accommodating and now I feel he's being unfair to DS and I just wanted to discuss it with him.

But, you've never discussed parenting decisions before - when you were making them? Can you understand why your ex could be angry about that?
I agree, shouting is never a solution.

Regardless of who did the lions share of the work, your DS is fast approaching adulthood, and has decided for himself that his Dad is an equal, or greater part of his life than you are right now. If you try and right the perceived injustices that he is experiencing at the hands of his Dad, you will only push him further away.