To be irritated with school mum

[toomanyfionas]

Had a call from a mother of a boy in same class as ds. She says that "a third party whose name I won't disclose" informed her that my son had kicked her son at school.
She was quite het up and talked at length about how "obviously as john's (not his real name) mother I do not want hom to be kicked at school..." And that this was a courtesy call to let me know she is making a complaint to the school.

The boys are 5.

I said okay, I see uh huh mmm hmmm but stopped short of actual conversation saying I didn't get involved in children's school squabbles.

Tbh I was a bit taken aback to be phoned by a parent I didn't know in a flap about an incident of which I knew nothing.

I felt like saying, "you don't ring other kids parents to complain, that's not how it works. You talk to the school." But I didn't.

Afterwards I spoke to my son who said there was a game in which you had to run after each other and try to kick them. There were 5 of them. He seemed unaware a. that it was not a great game and b. that it hadn't ended well and mystified about john's complaint.

Of course we talked about kicking having no place in games or anything else really.

Do I need to do anything else?

Nah, she's an idiot. Ignore. I bet you don't hear from the school.

No. Let the school deal with it, as the game takes place during school hours. The game sounds as though it needs to be stopped.

I think it's quite good of the other mum to let you know what she's planning to do...assuming she was quite pleasant about it.

You could always mention the game to the class teacher so that she can advise the children that it is not a suitable game.

At the same time you could raise the fact that you received the phone call from the other mother so they can point out to all parents the best practice for dealing with such incidents through the school.

I think she tried to be pleasant and reasonable but it didn't really pan out that way. More like, your son is mean to my son and I am going to ensure he is punished. When in fact they were both playing the idiot game. Tey need to know not to do that and they need to know to get a teacher's help if they get hurt. I would think.

I'd give the school a heads up that this woman was unilaterally phoning other parents about fairly trivial matters.

It's a bit

If school are sufficiently worried about your son's behaviour, they'll contact you themselves.

I said okay, I see uh huh mmm hmmm but stopped short of actual conversation saying I didn't get involved in children's school squabbles.

So you're ok with the kiking game and the fact that your child has hurt another. None of your business hey?

Hmm - dunno.

And did she actually say 'complaint'? Because unless she's not a native English speaker that's an odd turn of phrase imo.

Thoughtful and considered contribution from pjmama there I see. Don't write the other mum off as an "idiot" fgs!

Oh boy, can't believe the comments on this thread.

How is it an odd turn of phrase? It's a perfectly normal one to me .

Sounds like it's just boys being silly in the playground and the talk you had with your son about kicking games being inappropriate is sufficient. No wonder some young people have no idea how to resolve conflict or deal with their own issues when adults are continually stepping in and "dealing" with them.

I think you handled it correctly OP.

You spoke to your son about the game being inappropriate.

If the Mum had rang you to say "the boys have been playing a kicking game, I've spoken to John but could you have a word with DS too?" I'm sure you wouldn't be so annoyed.

However she wanted your son to get in trouble for her little precious getting hurt, when he was clearly playing the game too.

She sounds a pita.

So who is this third party?

Always tell them to complain to the school if they want.

Well, when she complains to the school and they punish your son and have a word with you about it, you will have to get involved then. TBH, that is a bit of a cop out. Not acceptable for a parent to 'not be involved' in any aspect of their 5 year olds life.

Having said that, now you know the full story, I would suggest going in to the teacher and having a word first. Tell them what exactly happened.

I also thing it is quite telling that her DS did not going vrying to her, she had to hear it from someone else.

YANBU to be irritated at being phoned by some random person though.

Pictish if you read the rest of my post you will see I addressed that. And at no point did I say I was ok with a kicking game or my son hurting another. Those were your words.

The fact she claimed my son kicked hers does not mean that is the sum total of what happened. She wasn't there, I wasn't there. My son described it as a game and that john (and 3 others) were all playing this absurd game.

he thinks of john as a friend and n fact, soon after we were talking about who he'd like to come to his party and he mentioned john.

jenai you think complaint is an odd turn of phrase? I find that odd.

everlong not in UK.

I don't think you acted appropriately. The correct thing to do would have been to say that of course you're concerned if your child has been kicking another child, and say you are going to speak to your kid and will call the mother back when you have done so.

Since when is your child's behaviour only the school's problem?

I would mention this to the class teacher. Having just completed a teaching year in Reception (4/5 yo) the games they play and the consequences of these games never cease to surprise me. Games where so and so tells another to hit another . Excuses given are 'but x told me'. Let the class teacher/TA know and they will inform the midday assistants to watch out for these daft games.

How did she get your telephone number?

She probably saw it as polite to let you know there was an issue, but I wouldn't appreciate a phonecall like that either.

What is she on about with 'a complaint to the school'? Does she mean she's going to have a word with the teacher, or actually be crazy enough to log a formal complaint about normal five year old behaviour?

I'd have a word with the teacher yourself to let her know that you have heard there is a problem, and ask what rules they use at school so you can reinforce it at home. They might have a no play fighting rule, or no physical play, or whatever, but if you know the wording they use then it will help in chats with your ds about what goes on at school.

I don't think it sounds like your son has done anything other than be a normal five year old tbh, and like most children his age and all the others he was playing with, he is just learning what is ok in playing and what isn't.

A third party told her? So John didn't tell her? Obviously he wasnt bothered by getting kicked as it was a silly game they were all playing. I'm sure John did a bit of kicking himself.
The other mum sounds like she's overreacting a bit, unless John was kicked unconscious but I would probably just ring her back, say you have spoken to your son, tell her it was a game they were ALL playing and that your son didn't realise anyone was hurt by it, and that you told him that he shouldn't take part in these kind of games in future.
Also tell her if she seriously worried by your son in future to follow the correct channels and do so through the school.
Especially since you don't know her, it's weird she phoned you - and how DID she get your number?!

pinksippy I think that would have been a better way to handle it too. She had approached my neighbour to get my number. My neighbour's son was there too, the boys are friends.

SoulSister I don't know who the third party is. It was all very police incident report style.

MammaTJ I sincely doubt the school will punish my child. It is more likely the teacher will chat to the kids about not kicking during games or any other times.
As for your assertion that I take no involvement in any aspect of my son's life, that is just silly. How could you conclude this from one playground game gone wrong. At school. I don't go to school with my kids, they manage that on their own.

You described it as a 'playground squabble' to the other mum, and made it clear you weren't interested.

If I were the other mum, I'd think you were one of those mothers that lives in denial about your child having done something wrong.

In fact, that is entirely how you are coming across now, despite having a word with your lad...as though she has no business being displeased with your son kicking hers. Yo seem to readily accept that they were all as bad as each other, without thinking about WHY this woman felt compelled to pick up the phone. Unless she's some sort of drama llama, chances are your son kicked her son too hard, don't you think?
No - you don't think. It's none of your business...just a playground squabble. Nothing to do with you.
Whatever.

And don't get me wring - I don't think this is the end of the world or a huge deal....but I don't think you should be shrugging it off and thinking badly of the other mum either.