To be irritated with school mum

[toomanyfionas]

Had a call from a mother of a boy in same class as ds. She says that "a third party whose name I won't disclose" informed her that my son had kicked her son at school.
She was quite het up and talked at length about how "obviously as john's (not his real name) mother I do not want hom to be kicked at school..." And that this was a courtesy call to let me know she is making a complaint to the school.

The boys are 5.

I said okay, I see uh huh mmm hmmm but stopped short of actual conversation saying I didn't get involved in children's school squabbles.

Tbh I was a bit taken aback to be phoned by a parent I didn't know in a flap about an incident of which I knew nothing.

I felt like saying, "you don't ring other kids parents to complain, that's not how it works. You talk to the school." But I didn't.

Afterwards I spoke to my son who said there was a game in which you had to run after each other and try to kick them. There were 5 of them. He seemed unaware a. that it was not a great game and b. that it hadn't ended well and mystified about john's complaint.

Of course we talked about kicking having no place in games or anything else really.

Do I need to do anything else?

During the initial call that is....
That's what I am trying to say...it does not make for effective communication to dismiss another person out of hand like that. Having been on the end of such a phone call, I think it shows willing to sort it out one way or another, to take their concerns seriously.

There is nothing worse than parents who pooh pooh the fact that their child may or may not have done something wrong to another child, by presenting disinterest.
It says "I son't care about you, or your kid, and my son can do what he likes thanks."

Which is why I did not respond like the OP did, when I found myself in her situation.

Well it rather depends doesn't it? If someone rang with such a phone call when I was trying to prevent ds1 climbing out a window or was dealing with something important they would probably get a pretty uninterested response from me because it is something they should be talking to the school about, and they are being inappropriate & taking the wring approach. Of course I would talk to my kids about it, and probably the school but if I had something more important going on at home then I wouldn't be rushing to deal with such a phone call. OTOH if school rang me to discuss a parental complaint I would take it very seriously indeed.

Also there's nothing you can say really until you've got your child's side of the story, but if someone rings with a 'your child kicked mine' it's clear they haven't really understood that & they probably haven't considered an alternative explanation, so they're not going to be easy to talk to.

Anyhow we've never been on the receiving end of such a phone call and when one of the kids had ongoing repeated problems with one child we talked about it with him and with the school. When they continued we went back to the school who sorted it all out. I wouldn't have dreamed of talking to his parents.

Likewise, saintly. When my kids were younger we had a couple of occasions when there were problems with other children, and each time we sorted it out through the school; it never once occurred to me to contact the parents direct.

If a parent contacted me out of the blue with a complaint about my child, I think I would be pretty non-committal until I had had a chance to find out where the truth lay. IME it's often the parents of aggressors who complain most loudly. I always remember the time a child was withdrawn from ds's school because her mother said she was being bullied; it surprised me because I had been on the point of talking to the school about her behaviour - she went in for sharpening pencils and jabbing them into other children's arms - and on talking to other parents they all said the same. So I would never rush in to apologise without checking.

Even so.

In my case, the complaint was that my lad had sworn at hers (they were both 8 at the time), and she was upset that her ds had had his porcelain ears sullied by mine. "He certainly doesn't hear that sort of language at home, and I don't think he should be hearing it ar school either!" She also told me she would be taking the matter to the school to deal with.
I listened to what she had to say, agreed that the language was unacceptable and assured her I would be having words with my lad regarding his conduct.
Then I smoothly went on to tell her that I had similarly previously overheard her lad calling my son a cocksucker and giving him the middle finger (true story), so I felt it was appropriate that she took the same course of action as I was about to do, and speak to her son.

Me 1 - precious ninny 0

I agree with pictish

oh god, these interfering parents storming in to sort out every little goggle their precious offspring encounter!
If I phoned the school every time my kids had a run in with another kid, I'd be on the phone once a week!
I agree that often it's the aggressors mother who will initiate these phone calls to move blame from their child to yours. A known bully kid at our school regularly had her mother in and out of the office complaining about other kids, but it was her daughter causing the trouble!
I agree that I'd never ever take a phone call from another parent as 'accepted truth' and apologise for my child. Never ever. Until I'd spoken to my child and got their version of events. Children spend 30 hours a week at school and unless someone else, an adult, witnesses it, how do we know what really happened?
The fact that her child didn't mention it and the fact that she mentioned discussing this with a 3rd party, suggests to me that this mother is a shit stirring drama llama with a 1st class degree in fishwifery. There's a lot of them. Avoid avoid avoid.

The problem being, that every now and then, these 'interfering parents' may actually have a valid point, and your (my) kid HAS been an utter toerag.

Not that you'll ever work that out if you dismiss them out of hand.

OP you seem to have missed the point entierely.
Tell your neighbour not to give your number out, to willy nilly ott parents.
That might help.

stopped short of actual conversation saying I didn't get involved in children's school squabbles

That direct quote from you is where I get that you abdicate any responsibility on this aspect of your sons life. Not from a playground game gone wrong. From your actual words, saying that you want nothing to do with it.

Oh dear, one of those mothers. Unless your son really is out of control I think I would speak to the teacher and find out the full story. In my opinion, all of these issues should be dealt with by school or it can get really horrible.

TBH I don't think the school has had a chance. And I don't think that parents should get involved over one incident. Repeated bullying that the school doesn't deal with is different. And it's not as if her own child was actually complaining.

If I'd heard my child had been kicked at school my first port of call would be the class teacher. And I think the neighbour was out of order giving out phone numbers.

Well if I had that sort of retort up my sleeve I'd definitely leave ds1 to fall out the window to deliver it pictish

I don't know. If someone rang and said there was an ongoing problem with one of my kids I'd listen a bit more intently. But a one off kick from a 5 year old? It's such a bonkers way for the other parent to approach it I'd just want them off the phone (then would have a word with my child, but I would be doing my best not to engage with the parent). I might be taken aback enough to be rendered speechless (unusual for me...)

If someone phoned me up out of the blue to complain about something like this i probably would struggle to come up with an acceptable response.

This is because at our school we let the school deal with any problems within school hours. My child was having a problem with a child in their class and i spoke to the school about it and they sorted it out.

I once had a mum phone me to tell me my dc1 had been involved in an incident in the classroom where a child had told the teacher she was going to kill her. According to the mum my son had actually said it as well but denied and was believed and that the child who was reprimanded for it was only repeating what ds1 had said. This was all according to her dd, so must be true. I woke ds1 up to speak to him (he was 5 at the time and the first time he had been in trouble), he said he had not been in saying it to the teacher but it as difficult to understand exactly what had happened, but to my shame I believed the other parent. On speaking to the teacher the next morning, ds1 had nt been involved in any way with the incident involving the teacher but had said it later in the day to the little girl, but had admitted when asked and been spoken to. Strangely, the phone call mum still tried to make out it was da1's fault, saying he was part of the group when infact ds1 was working on the opposite side of the classroom with the at TA at the time of the incident.
I learnt my lesson and my response now would be I will speak to my dc and the school about it, which may have been a better way for the op to address the other mum, but I can understand what she was saying about not getting involved in playground arguments though. It is best for parents not to get involved between themselves and speak to the teacher.

OK I have an update.
I emailed the teacher to let her know that the mum had phoned me, what my son had said and that I had reminded him about rough play.

I also saw her (the teacher) when I dropped my son at school this morning. She had read the email and told me she'd had a couple of incidents involving the other child lately with a parent, not his, intervening in playground rough & tumble. She felt the problem was with the overly involved parent and not the children, that on the whole the kids get along well but there will always be these little things that crop up.

She said she couldn't believe the other parent had phoned me and that she felt there was nothing for me to be concerned about with regard to my child.

So I feel much better about it all.

goldenlula goodness that sounds completely bonkers. Can't believe the way some parents carry on!

saintlyjimjam But a one off kick from a 5 year old? It's such a bonkers way for the other parent to approach it I'd just want them off the phone (then would have a word with my child, but I would be doing my best not to engage with the parent). I might be taken aback enough to be rendered speechless (unusual for me...)

That's exactly how I was. For someone usually far too talkative I was actually at a loss as to how to respond. It is all very well when you've had time to prepare etc but it's different when you're put on the spot and for such an absurd thing.

OP where are you why is your ds at school on a Sunday in August??

It is Monday here on the other side of the world

Sounds like the 'overly involved parent' helper person has taken it upon themselves to get involved outside the playground too! The teacher seems to be on top of it, case closed I guess.

Is the teacher going to speak to her?

I would have told her I'd have a word with him but would prefer all complaints to go through the school first actually. If they deem that he is a bully on a habitual basis, they can bring that up with me.

After the call had ended, I would have called the school to ask how she got my name/number and if they could have a word with her about she needs to go through the school first with these sort of things.

She should have just phoned the school. Not you. However if your son was being consist latently bullied by your son and you knew each other, then it would be fine for her to ring and have a nice chat.

I agree with her no tolerance rule but she could have just had a natter with the school