To be irritated with school mum

[toomanyfionas]

Had a call from a mother of a boy in same class as ds. She says that "a third party whose name I won't disclose" informed her that my son had kicked her son at school.
She was quite het up and talked at length about how "obviously as john's (not his real name) mother I do not want hom to be kicked at school..." And that this was a courtesy call to let me know she is making a complaint to the school.

The boys are 5.

I said okay, I see uh huh mmm hmmm but stopped short of actual conversation saying I didn't get involved in children's school squabbles.

Tbh I was a bit taken aback to be phoned by a parent I didn't know in a flap about an incident of which I knew nothing.

I felt like saying, "you don't ring other kids parents to complain, that's not how it works. You talk to the school." But I didn't.

Afterwards I spoke to my son who said there was a game in which you had to run after each other and try to kick them. There were 5 of them. He seemed unaware a. that it was not a great game and b. that it hadn't ended well and mystified about john's complaint.

Of course we talked about kicking having no place in games or anything else really.

Do I need to do anything else?

I also think you've handled this correctly. John obviously didn't think enough of it to tell his mum himself if 3rd party did . If the game is rough make school aware to nip it in the bud. Boys of that age are excitable and get carried away. Have they only recently started and are they of same cultural background as you and the school ? In some countries schools don't really supervise playtime to the same extent as in UK. Maybe try to get ds to play with children other than John to avoid this in future.

The 'incident' happened at school. If it was at playtime someone should have seen what was going on.
And that's when it should have been dealt with.
Presumably it happened last term, in which case the other boy can't have been that hurt/upset about it.

The OP has now spoken to her son to point out that kicking games are not on - which the school should have done anyway, having spotted it happening.

Storm in a teacup.

These little boys are suddenly given all this free time at lunch where they are allowed to play together but there is no structured play or game organised (and no mummies watching/advising). They invented a game it was fun for them, at the time. They will invent another one next week. If this other mum doesn't want her son kicked (as none of us do) then I hope he never plays football! I think she has picked up from school asked/quizzed how his day has been and its probably one of the only thing he remembered because a) it hurt or b) he thought it was fun!

Certainly not something to ring another parent about imho. As she dropped her DS in the morning she could just tell him not to play it again!

And most schools don't need parents to tell them what is and is not appropriate behaviour in the playground.

MN makes me scared about school sometimes. I am often surprised by views about handli g this sort of situation.

It's natural to feel protective about our DCs and it sounds like that instinct may have affected the management of the situation on both sides IMHO.
"john's" mother might have been overreacting. You might have been defensive or dismissive. Either of these are easily inferred from your op.
I don't think it's appropriate to not get involved in school stuff tbh.

Fwiw I think I might have I'd something like:
"thanks for the heads up. I'll speak with masterthorne and listen to what he's got to say about it" then feedback the detail about it having been a game and that i'd spoken to my DS about not kicking and assume she'll be doing the same.

in our school, they do not encourage the parents to have contact with each other over incidents that happen in school. There have been a few school gate arguments that have turned quite aggressive with mums shouting at each other, over what child A did to child B.

The parents were banned from the school grounds. If an incident occurs, they say, your child was hit by another child, it has been dealt with.

of course, your child then tells you who it was and what happened, so you have the facts, but the school dont tell you.

so the woman was wrong to contact you directly, she should have contacted the school and asked them and then they would have a word with you if necessary. ie if bullying and not just a silly playground game.

mrsweasley i know I should be in bed now, but...
Actually the school has 2 short lunchtimes rather than 1 long one as they consider the children manage better this way. And there are structured activities available. My ds goes to Lego Lunch and a couple of others. So that reduces kicking game opportunities somewhat!

mrsjay my feeling is that the mother is precious. It is her only child, he is little and in her view he had been wronged so her concern is understandable. Her approach however was precious mum style. I say this after seeing rather a lot if this sort of thing, same parents down at the school over every tiny thing, getting overly involved...

Glad the last few posts have been a lot more reasonable IMO. The modern habit of parents interfering in almost every aspect of their child's life is stifling their emotional growth and making them unable to resolve conflict, assess risk and take responsibility for their own actions. I'm not saying there is never a time for a parent to speak to the school or have a quiet word with another parent, but there's far too much of it for very little reason. It seems to be mostly because certain types of people cannot relinquish control of every aspect of their child's life and want to helicopter their every move. Some also cannot seem to accept that their child might be the instigator in a conflict either. Something's got to give.

Oh I like the idea of 2 shorter lunch breaks, 1 hour is a long time for some children to occupy themselves constructively. I wonder if I should suggest this to my school!

Op u did fine IMO. Have read all.

Seems Sunday typers are out in force on your thread. Commiserations.

I agree with you toomanyfionas I know these mums want the best for their children like we all do but i do feel that phoning you after somebody else tittle tattled was an over reaction and a bit precious but she isn't rare I always think these parents are over protective and anxious which is a shame really, and yes she willbe phoning parents and up at school for every little thing till he leaves,

Point is - it doesn't matter whether or not she is precious, a drama llama, making a mountain out of a molehill, being a complete twat...whatever.
Whenever a parent reeives a call regarding their child's behaviour, the correct and polite response is to (on the face of it) take the caller seriously, and make all the right noises about looking into it. It is not to immediately dismiss their concerns out of hand as though it is nothing to do with you!

If you do the double vees at the phone as you are speaking, fine, but do not be one of those bloody parents that looks the other way and won't even entertain acknowledging that their child may possibly have been involved in something. That's what the OP did, and that's what I have a problem with.

As for this being 'projection' - ir is, but only in the way that I was once the recipient of such a phone call....NOT the caller. The woman concerned was (and still is) a precious ninny, but as an adult and a parent, I saw it as my responsibility to listen to what she had to say, and to treat her with respect. I would not have dreamed of telling her it was nothing to do with me.

Never at any point did the OP say "it has nothing to do with me", you've chosen to interpret it that way.

Hmmm interesting one. I'm the mum of a 5 year old who started school this year and he and his classmates have had to navigate around this type of behaviour. Children aged between 4 and 5 in Reception class display huge variance in social competence and even mature children can be too exuberant at times. The incident this woman described sounds a bit run of the mill in terms of playground shenanigans.

My son is larger than the others (no thanks to me) and he was on receiving end of a bit of hitting/shoving, etc. I'd mention it to (good school), they'd tell him to tell them and he was too shy to do this. One particular boy kept hitting him and school wasn't very interested.

My son isn't precious first born and I tried to teach him strategies at first to deal with it. But finally I had had enough and felt that I was kind of letting my son down. So, rather nervously, I approached the mother of the hitting boy. I was really careful how I spoke to her, said my own son wasn't totally innocent all the time, etc. She looked horrified when I said her son had been hitting mine.
"Really?" she asked incredulously, eyebrows hoiked to hairline. "Are you sure?"
At that moment her precious born came round the corner and whacked her one in the stomach! Both of us burst out laughing: it was such brilliant timing.

Anyhow, she listened to what I said, agreed to speak to her child and also followed up with me. I though she handled it brilliantly.

Rough and tumble does seem to be part of 5 year old play so I think your son's behaviour was completely within normal boundaries. I think maybe next time it might be a good idea to say something like, "Oh yes, I can see how that would be upsetting. If you feel the need to speak to the school then do so, it would be helpful for the entire class I'm sure. I'll speak to my son and follow it up with you in a couple of weeks. Thanks so much for bringing it to my attention. I'll do the same with you if anything crops up. "

I don't think the other mother went about things the best way, bearing in mind that this all came via third party gossip.

But I think the comment about not getting involved in children's squabbles was a bit daft. At that point the OP had no idea what had gone on - one child kicking another could be some silly game or it could be some quite unpleasant behaviour.

What would have been wrong with simply saying "I don't know anything about this. I'll speak to my child and get back to you."

That might have avoided the other mother speaking to the school.

the op did address the boys behaviour though she spoke to him about it the other mum shouldn't have been so accusing of the little boy they are 5 yrs old they were being silly they were all doing it not just one kid

Not in the UK, so would I be right in assuming that Reception would be Kindergarten if they're all 4-5yo?

If so, I think OP handled the situation fairly well. Especially since the boy's mother is getting third-party gossip from a kindergartener.

"I don't know anything about this. I'll speak to my child and get back to you."

Even that would have been preferable.

pictish: "nenny - maybe. Maybe not.
Point being the OP didn't care either way did she?"

Again, no. She took the trouble to talk to her son about it and to text the other mother afterwards. That's not the reaction of someone who doesn't care.

How did she get your phone number. This behaviour isn't on and she should be taking it up with the school. Very strange for her to worry so late in the day anyhow, the children have been off school since the end of july

I personally wouldn't worry but i would tell the school this woman is phoning your home.

My son came home complaining about a child hitting him. I saw one particularly incident. The other child (who was quite large for his age) tripped and fell into ds3. It was a total accident. DS3 got the right hump and went on and on about this child hitting him on purpose. I couldn't get through to him that it was an accident - he was having none of it (ds3 is a terrible grudge bearer).

Little children don't always see the bigger picture.

Pictish - I suspect being taken aback makes it harder to find the perfect words. Better to stick with talking to school in the first place.

I'm sorry but if someone goes to these lengths to get my number without my permission and call me unexpectedly at home she better be ready for a sharp response and better be for a reason better than this!
OP I think in the circumstances you did well, I' would NEVER do what this mother did id call the school. and you are right it reeks of stirring, which you do not want to get involved in.
I'm dreading mine starting school if this is what it's like!

Nenny - but to the woman concerned, she showed little respect, dismissing it as playground squabble she did not want to get involved in.

Well it wasn't even a playground squabble. It was a complete non-event. If you bother people over every minute tiny incident then you have to expect the brush off really.