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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified that dd's lifestyle is killing her?

117 replies

Quickquidqueen · 17/08/2013 23:32

NC. I have thought of asking mn for help regarding this for the last couple of years but i thought i was doing all the right things and could handle it.

Dd1 (21) is very overweight. she smokes. she has a sedentary job. she does no exercise. She has been gaining weight at the rate of about a stone a year for the last four years. She lives with me, dh, dd2 and 4yo ds.

In 2010 I paid for a years gym membership for me and her as she wanted to get fit but I could not get her to go regularly enough so I did not pay for the following year. She said she didn't like swimming anymore - I believe this is just because she does not want to wear a swimsuit because of her weight. She would never come to classes but she liked going to the gym when it was quiet to use the machines.

Earlier this year she asked me to buy her some slim fast from the supermarket so I suggested that she join weight watchers instead. She did not want to go on her own so I joined with her she began to lose weight over the first few weeks but soon lost interest. We went to our last ww meeting this week. She is now heavier than when we started.

I have never seen her smoking because she knows I hate it. I do nag her about it when I smell it on her. I got her an e-cig for her 21st birthday

She told me she went to the doctors yesterday after she had a panic attack at work. He said she has high blood pressure and that she is stressed and needs to rest. He gave her diazepam. From what she told me I don't think he mentioned that her lifestyle was damaging to her health.

I now feel like I am helplessly watching my beloved dd killing herself. And I don't know what to do now.

Please be kind.

OP posts:

Andro · 17/08/2013 23:36

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable fear to me, unfortunately you can't make her change her lifestyle - you can only set the rules of the house wrt smoking inside etc.

Nagoo · 17/08/2013 23:37

Why would we not be kind? You sound lovely.

You have been supportive without being pushy. I don't see what else you can be.

She's an adult, and she needs to choose to improve her health herself. You are trying to help but she has to choose for herself.

Is she unhappy?

ilovesooty · 17/08/2013 23:38

YANU to be very concerned but unfortunately her lifestyle is her own choice as an adult. Unless she wants to make changes she won't.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 17/08/2013 23:40

Is she happy?
Is it possible there is something causing her to comfort eat?

ShirazSavedMySanity · 17/08/2013 23:41

My mum felt like you do about your DD about me for years. Years. She did everything she could (softly softly and not so softly) to try and get me to do something about it.

Eventually, the desire to do something about it came from me. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my mum.

She has to want to do it for herself. It took me 15 years to realise.

You do sound very supportive and not in her face, which, IME is the best way to be.

Sorry, not much help am I.

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 17/08/2013 23:44

Is she unhappy? That is not an easy question for me to answer. I am a bit scared to ask her this outright tbh. But I know she hates her job at the moment.

OP posts:

zippey · 17/08/2013 23:52

You sound like a worried and caring mother. I don't have much advice except maybe show her your OP on here, maybe it might hit home how you feel.

If she lives at home does that mean she eats with the family? What is your diet like, and portion sizes?

NoComet · 17/08/2013 23:53

Do you cook or does she cook for herself?

Both DSIS and me lived at home as adults. Me just for a year DSIS a lot and mum cooked and menu planned.

Can you reduce what she eats and make any treats purely her doing?

WafflyVersatile · 18/08/2013 00:00

Forgetting the smoking for a minute, our relationship with food can be very complicated. It's not as simple as oh, I've eaten too much and now I'm fat. Maybe it would be worth her talking to a counsellor or therapist.

McNewPants2013 · 18/08/2013 00:00

It's hard to comment without knowing your DD.

Would shock tactic work or if you got photos of her that shows the weight gain would that work.

musicposy · 18/08/2013 00:02

Is there an exercise class you could do together that would be more fun? I'm thinking an adult dance class, like adult tap, or zumba, or group ice skating lessons, or tennis or karate? If something like that might appeal it might seem more like a fun thing to do than exercise, which would be half the battle, and she wouldn't have to wear embarrassing clothes for most of those.

Have you looked at 5:2 as a diet option? It's very good for minimising health risks from weight issues. I personally think it takes much less willpower than a normal diet as you can eat normally on most days.

But at the end of the day, you can't do it for her, sadly.

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 18/08/2013 00:03

I cook good food for her and she does not appear to eat big portions with us. She loves all vegetables and fruit and is not an overly fussy eater which is good. She loves the new recipes we learned from ww.

But she has a really bad chocolate and sweet addiction. She eats us out of all our goodies (and denies it) and regularly had a stash of sweetie papers under her pillow. I know she has been doing this while we did ww and that is the reason she wasn't losing weight. Unfortunately she does not admit it!

OP posts:

musicposy · 18/08/2013 00:05

Can you stop buying any goodies, then? So she actively has to go and get them from the shops herself? It would honestly be better for all of you. No one needs sweets and chocolates in the house.

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 18/08/2013 00:08

If I could do it for her I would! Even though i have an ideal bmi I lost 12lb on ww. I was wasting away while she continued to gain weight.

I have suggested we go for a run but she won't. I will try the wii next cos she does enjoy her gaming.

I am grateful for all the suggestions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 18/08/2013 00:09

Tomorrow the goodies are out! Thanks music posy. I guess it will save us money too :)

OP posts:

TwasBrillig · 18/08/2013 00:09

In most cases a binge eating disorder would have some emotional component I think. Rather than trying to restrict snacks (she could always buy more) as such or trying to shock her (she's probably well aware) I suspect she'd need counselling or some life changes that enhance happiness and self esteem.

It sounds like you're very supportive and a lovely mother, she's very lucky!

waddlecakes · 18/08/2013 00:14

You need to stop worrying about the smoking and concentrate on the weight problem.May I ask why she still lives with you?

There's only one solution to this and you're not going to like it:

She needs to leave home.

You have goodies at home - you shouldn't. Not if she has a weight problem. Of course she's going to clear you out.

But if she lived independently, she would quickly realise that on a low income (I presume, since she's still at home?) job, you make the choice between eating meals and bingeing on junk. She may also find she has more energy living alone, as opposed to coming home and sloping into the kitchen to find her laundry done, her meal cooked, and treats in the cupboard.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Living independently requires a new mindset. Not just towards food - it requires a more energetic approach to life in general which may spill over into her diet.

caughtcatnapping · 18/08/2013 00:15

This is a good book on food addiction/overeating - it also works on the building of self esteem which sounds like it might be useful for your dd.

Here

Tabby1963 · 18/08/2013 00:15

I feel for you, you have been so supportive of your daughter but, as others have said, the motivation has to come from her, and her alone.

At the moment her lifestyle choices are not healthy for her, and that is because she does not value herself enough to care what she puts in her mouth or smokes. It is a self esteem thing.

I know this because I was the same for years, and my mum must have been as worried as you are :(. Unfortunately, I can't give you any hope that your daughter will change, until she is ready to. One day she will make that change...

The saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" is very true.

HenWithAttitude · 18/08/2013 00:17

Waddle. My daughter left home. She has the same issues as that of OP

TheFunStopsHere · 18/08/2013 00:17

I think you need to see the weight and lifestyle as a symptom not the problem. She sounds unhappy. That needs to be worked on.

Tabby1963 · 18/08/2013 00:17

I second caughtcatnappings book suggestion. This is exactly what I have been reading and it has changed my life :).

My mum is very pleased......

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/08/2013 00:18

The doctor gave her Diazepam? Prescribing such a highly addictive medication to someone who sounds as though she is prone to addictions (smoking and overeating) is an awful idea. I think your DD should get a second opinion on this. There must be better ways of dealing with her anxiety.

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 18/08/2013 00:20

Yes she works in a call centre. She walks to work about half a mile away, or gets a taxi when she has the money.

She would not like to leave home and I can't throw her out! I'll chuck the goodies out though.

OP posts:

waddlecakes · 18/08/2013 00:21

''She would not like to leave home and I can't throw her out!''

Why to both those statements?

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