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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified that dd's lifestyle is killing her?

117 replies

Quickquidqueen · 17/08/2013 23:32

NC. I have thought of asking mn for help regarding this for the last couple of years but i thought i was doing all the right things and could handle it.

Dd1 (21) is very overweight. she smokes. she has a sedentary job. she does no exercise. She has been gaining weight at the rate of about a stone a year for the last four years. She lives with me, dh, dd2 and 4yo ds.

In 2010 I paid for a years gym membership for me and her as she wanted to get fit but I could not get her to go regularly enough so I did not pay for the following year. She said she didn't like swimming anymore - I believe this is just because she does not want to wear a swimsuit because of her weight. She would never come to classes but she liked going to the gym when it was quiet to use the machines.

Earlier this year she asked me to buy her some slim fast from the supermarket so I suggested that she join weight watchers instead. She did not want to go on her own so I joined with her she began to lose weight over the first few weeks but soon lost interest. We went to our last ww meeting this week. She is now heavier than when we started.

I have never seen her smoking because she knows I hate it. I do nag her about it when I smell it on her. I got her an e-cig for her 21st birthday

She told me she went to the doctors yesterday after she had a panic attack at work. He said she has high blood pressure and that she is stressed and needs to rest. He gave her diazepam. From what she told me I don't think he mentioned that her lifestyle was damaging to her health.

I now feel like I am helplessly watching my beloved dd killing herself. And I don't know what to do now.

Please be kind.

OP posts:

ExcuseTypos · 20/08/2013 10:17

I'm not going to derail the thread but I'll just say that you've made huge assumptions by saying "you do everything for her", Which youve repeated several times. You don't know that Foxy, you've quoted a few examples of what her mum does for her. You can't then say the OP does 'everything'

FoxyRoxy · 20/08/2013 10:22

I meant with regards to the issues the op has mentioned, eg weight loss, debt payment and driving. The Op has said herself she has done this as she feels her daughter doesn't have the motivation to do so herself. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

bibliomania · 20/08/2013 10:40

Instead of giving her all these suggestions and advice, is it worth simply asking her "What would you like me to do?" If she wants specific help, by all means give it, but if she tells you to back off, do that too.

She needs to decide her own priorities - finance, driving, smoking, whatever. When you manage to take control in one area, you can often then go on to tackle another area with more confidence.

I write from the perspective of a daughter who is driven mad by my mother's attempts to control my weight and what I eat. I'm nearly 40, and she can still make me want to rush off and defiantly eat whatever she tells me not to.

Goldenbear · 20/08/2013 11:34

Has she only got one friend and if so what is her weight like? Is her friend active? I say this because they may be consoling each other and this may be detrimental to your daughter's well being?

I lost a lot of weight when I was 19 (although looking back I wasn't fat just a bit overweight). I did it by totally changing my eating habits, cooking most nights for myself and my Mother and walking- lots! I couldn't believe how the weight dropped off and that kept me motivated to lose more. However, this totally came from myself as I was sick of not being able to wear the clothes my skinny friends looked good in.

TBH, smoking is not great but at 21 I knew loads of people who indulged in that and more. For some it is part of growing up. All the people I knew who smoked then don't now (mid 30's).

I think it sounds like she is a bit depressed but I don't think the answer is prescriptive drugs as is it sounds like her circumstances and environment are bringing her down. At 21 she has nothing to tie her down she should want to be out there, enjoying the world. In all honesty it sounds a bit 'boring', sucking the life out of her. When I was 22, I moved to an area after graduating that was very 'dull' I moved in with my boyfriend from university and I wasted 4 years of my twenties living a middle aged life that by they end made me feel very down indeed. I visited a friend in a city 4 hours away and had the time of my life so decided to leave my boyfriend and move in with my friend. I felt robbed of those years in my early twenties as it didn't need to be like that. Maybe she's sick of 'humdrum' and she needs to know 'happiness' does not look like her current situation?

OrthodonticUrticaria · 23/08/2013 15:59

Thinking of you and your DD today, I hope you have a lovely day out together.

Ruprekt · 23/08/2013 16:10

How overweight is she QQQ??

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 23/08/2013 19:18

Thank you ortho. Unfortunately dd got cold feet and decided to stay at home as although it is supposed to be her day off she is also off sick and doesn't want to risk being seen out. :(

Ruprekt she is just over 14 stone and 5'5" She was under 10 stone when I was pregnant with ds 5 years ago. She has gained so much weight so rapidly I worry how she will be in the future if she carries on like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 23/08/2013 19:22

Goldenbear - dd's best friend is slim. She has known her since reception class. I believe she is a genuine caring friend to dd, I have never known them to have silly fall outs over the years. She is a smoker though I'm afraid.

OP posts:

DolomitesDonkey · 23/08/2013 19:24

Smoking and over-eating are classic forms of self-harm - if you want to throw money at the problem - look at therapy.

OctopusPete8 · 23/08/2013 19:26

bless her must be hard,

ave u had a chat with her about any of your concerns on here??.

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 23/08/2013 19:33

No I haven't spoked about my concerns re: her weight to her op8. She knows I am a mnetter hence the nc. She enjoys reading some of the threads on chat etc. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 23/08/2013 19:34

Sorry about spelling I am having a

OP posts:

OctopusPete8 · 23/08/2013 19:36

Oh right, are u planning too are just seeing how things go?

Original poster

Quickquidqueen · 23/08/2013 20:00

Op8 no I am not planning to talk about her weight to her especially after reading the very helpful replies on this thread. She knows I will support her if she decides for herself she wants to do something about her life style.

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 23/08/2013 20:53

You haven't said whether your DD has any ambitions or plans? Does she have anything to be working towards: holiday somewhere, buying a car, rent deposit?

I agree with everyone else: talk to her about weight or smoking, she knows they're no good for her, you won't be telling her anything new. More of a problem is that she is unhappy - that you could be more direct about and you should speak to her about. If she doesn't have plans, encourage her to think of some (achievable not X-factor ones).

You sound like a truly loving and caring mum but between you doing so much for your daughter and her having sweetie papers under her pillow she sounds a little less mature than many 21yos. She must be seeing her contemporaries from school striking out in their own lives and that could be hard for her self-esteem.

SundaeGirl · 23/08/2013 20:54

(sorry - that should be don't talk to her about the weight!)

Beastofburden · 23/08/2013 21:34

Hello OP. I also have a 21 YO and some of his cohort have been through difficult times. The world likes to think all is rosy at this age, but some of them are stuck in dull grooves and unhelpful mental states.

I think that time is on your side in this. She is not all that overweight, and she is young enough to cope with both that and smoking for a few years yet. So I would focus on making her more happy, building her self esteem, giving her a sense of future direction. Her career does sound a bit dull for a girl her age. I would eat chocolate every night too if I worked in a call centre at 21....

You have a good relationship, it's good she texts you and so on. I disagree with the tough love posters, throwing her out would I think be a mistake.

Can you afford to plan a trip somewhere exciting together? Could you help her to plan for a more exciting career, or a year out with VSO or similar? Could she join a drama group? Borrowing money and eating secret sweeties- I think she sounds bored and a bit depressed.

Relax on weight. I have a good friend who has lost 12 stone and is now a safe weight. She is in her 40s. It took that long. It's OK.

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