To be terrified that dd's lifestyle is killing her?

[Quickquidqueen]

NC. I have thought of asking mn for help regarding this for the last couple of years but i thought i was doing all the right things and could handle it.

Dd1 (21) is very overweight. she smokes. she has a sedentary job. she does no exercise. She has been gaining weight at the rate of about a stone a year for the last four years. She lives with me, dh, dd2 and 4yo ds.

In 2010 I paid for a years gym membership for me and her as she wanted to get fit but I could not get her to go regularly enough so I did not pay for the following year. She said she didn't like swimming anymore - I believe this is just because she does not want to wear a swimsuit because of her weight. She would never come to classes but she liked going to the gym when it was quiet to use the machines.

Earlier this year she asked me to buy her some slim fast from the supermarket so I suggested that she join weight watchers instead. She did not want to go on her own so I joined with her she began to lose weight over the first few weeks but soon lost interest. We went to our last ww meeting this week. She is now heavier than when we started.

I have never seen her smoking because she knows I hate it. I do nag her about it when I smell it on her. I got her an e-cig for her 21st birthday

She told me she went to the doctors yesterday after she had a panic attack at work. He said she has high blood pressure and that she is stressed and needs to rest. He gave her diazepam. From what she told me I don't think he mentioned that her lifestyle was damaging to her health.

I now feel like I am helplessly watching my beloved dd killing herself. And I don't know what to do now.

Please be kind.

What does she contribute to the home and family? Does she pay rent? Cook, clean? Wash and iron her own clothes?

Can she drive? Does she have friends she sees?

She appears very passive in all this. You are trying to control every aspect of her life If I could do it for her I would! Why? This is weight loss, not cancer treatment! Do you need to step back here do you think?

You have even said you will now stop buying 'goodies'. Whilst I don't agree with sweets and biscuits being freely available for children, where do your other children figure in all this?

Does she have any hobbies outside of the house, OP?

Encouraging her to get involved with something like volunteering, or an evening class in something, or a hobby group may help her gain confidence in herself. I agree with others who say that tackling weight issues has to come from herself (same with smoking).

Does she have a good circle of friends? Responsibilities in the home?

I agree with the above, she needs to want to.

Is there any emotional reasons why has a weight issue?

Also I'm going to make a point about tackling one addiction at a time, that's very important. If shes working hard to loose but then looses her stress crutch of smoking it may send her further backwards.

My mum would probably say she has a lot in common with you - finances and weight management are not my strong points either!

On a more serious note, you cannot possibly hope to help your DD without being able to communicate with her honestly.

Could you have a mum & daughter day? Ask her what is bothering her about her job, couch your concern for her health in relation to the stress and high bp rather than immediately focusing on the diet and smoking side of things which she's more likely to see as a personal attack (speaking from experience here!)

It does sound like a depression/control thing to me rather than just liking food and smoking.

Does she have many friends or much of a social life as this is something you haven't mentioned.

waddle I'm not entirely sure how throwing out an obviously unhappy young woman who is clearly struggling a bit to cope with adult life is going to help her . Obviously she's an adult and needs a toe up the bum wrt finances especially but forcing that on her when she's in her current situation is only likely to make matters a whole lot worse.

It sounds like her confidence is on the floor.
Has she been to college/university? That often improves confidence.

Hi Op

There is something that you have said that doesn't sound correct to me.

When your DD went to the GP and was told about her high blood pressure and depression, are you sure the GP advised her to rest? Because as I understood in health circumstances like your DD's a GP would advise to take up exercise?

I think she is finding an excuse to justify her not sorting this out and has lied to you.

I also think she knows you won't confront her and is using that to hide behind too.

I think the best thing you can do is get rid of the crap in the house. If its not easily accessible then it may make her think about her choices.

Then she needs to change her relationship with food. And by the sounds of it she would be better off seeking professional help rather than a diet club like ww.

And maybe look towards changing her job? If I hated my job then it would make me miserable.

Hopefully you are able to get through to her op

I have no advice but want to say that my mum has/is going through the same with my sister.

She is 25 now and her weight is going up and up and up and I fear that any time now she could develop heart disease or diabetes. She is very morbidly obese and finds it hard to get around now :(

She left home last year to move in with her boyfriend but the weight just keeps going on.

We have to watch her basically killing herself and having no control over that to stop it. We now know that all we can do is be supportive if she does decide to change her lifestyle, nothing else works.

Even if you get rid of your sweets she is likely just to blow her wages on them herself. BTDT with my sister.

You sound lovely and caring and I have watched my mum struggle with this and as we are a close family it has also caused me a great deal of worry and it plays on my mind all the time.

Do NOT throw her out. That is not going to help your daughter at all.

Hi OP, I just wanted to echo what others have said about talking to her. I'm a typical ostrich and will stick my head in the sand and procrastinate over stupid things when really I need a kick up my arse to sort my self out. Having someone to verbalise what I can't can be a starting point for me to start facing up to reality.

I'm not saying to go bowling in and let out a stream of your concerns, but if you don't feel able to voice any of your concerns with her then how is she going to learn how to confront any problems she has?

I think it's a really good idea to sit her down and talk properly about her health - it's an issue she's told you about and a good starting point to ease into other things under the guise of improving her BP and anxiety. If you see her self sabotaging then you do have to let her know bluntly that you know and why it's not helping her. For example you could get her back on ww with you and not let the little choices she makes go by without a word, but tell her you know and help her get back on track.

It's a step by step process that you need to navigate carefully if she's sensitive, but not wanting to upset her isn't working. Upset is only a bad thing if you're doing it with no intention of supporting her with a solution which doesn't apply to you. Not bringing it up even when it's obvious (and deep down your dd knows it is) is either giving the impression that you're condoning it or you've given up on her, I understand that's not your intention at all, but subtly you're allowing her to self sabotage.

She is an adult granted, but you don't turn 18 and get an instruction book on how never to fuck up. When those problems start building up they become overwhelming to face off the back of your own motivation for some people.

I think confidence and self esteem are crucial.

Equally talking honestly is crucial

Balancing the maintaining self esteem alongside an honest conversation of weight is the barrier.

I'd say leave the weight issue out because tbh regardless of what you do, say or offer, nothing will happen until she is ready and in a place where she can act.

Do provide support emotionally but not in a co dependant kind of way (e.g. Facilitating the over eating spending issues). Don't chuck her out please. Encourage her to be confident and happy -she will fly the nest when ready. Make her independent e.g. Cooking for the whole family and behaving like another adult sharing your home

There are many, many overweight young people in the UK. My dd is one of them too.

We've not suddenly had a massive upsurge in eating disorders or poor self-esteem, or ignorance about food that could account for this increase in overweight people. It is a very complex issue but IMO is down to the availability and affordability of high energy food which is consumed between meals, and a very significant increase in car and computer use which means people are generally more sedentary.

I'm not sure what the answer is - I am at a loss about what to do about my own dd.

I myself am about 2 stone overweight and sedentary. DH's family have had their lives blighted by disorders associated with obesity.

I think the government needs to start a massive campaign to make us all feel responsible for our health, for the sake of the vulnerable and long term sick who will suffer hugely from the stress on NHS services that the overweight and unfit will cause - something along the lines of 'your NHS needs you to take care of yourself'. Some guilt tripping. A tax on sugar. Free fitness classes for everyone. Cycle lanes. God, I don't know - loads of stuff.

I'm thinking about this a lot at the moment. I find the thought that eating well and exercising is public spirited very motivating to help me improve my health.

BTW - you sound like a very kind mum.

The government already do sponsor health initiatives - the fit 4 life campaign, policy on food labeling, public health campaigns for eating your 5 a day, 30 minutes of exercise 3 times a week, stopping smoking etc.

There's a lot (even with cuts) that is there for you to engage in - taking a horse to water and all that. If you want to find stuff local to you have a look at the leaflets in your local GP surgery or library.

In the locality I work in (deprived but inner city so probably still has some decent funding) there is a walk-in service in some of the newer, bigger health centres called the Health Exchange that covers all of those kinds of things down to running walking clubs. They used to be NHS funded but are now council so I don't know if they're national or not, but they really interact with the community and if there is something that people suggest and there's enough interest they'll give it a go (like the walking club). They even run cooking classes.

OP just another thought that occurred to me, if you approach these issues with your daughter you're giving her a safe place to be upset. She can cry and get angry with you without feeling embarrassed later. Don't underestimate how valuable unconditional love is, you're one of the few people that can offer her that freedom to be completely herself without any worry of social/professional repercussions.

You need to do the following:

• Make her pay board - about £400 a month seems reasonable IMO bearing in mind she's getting council tax and gas, water, electric included!!

• Make her pay a contribution towards the shopping - about £30 a week
• Make her do her own laundry
• Make her do things around the house
• Clear out all sweets and treats

The reduction in her income might help her to curb the smoking.
If she doesn't want to pay up - tell her to find somewhere cheaper.
She's never going to grow up and be independent if she's used to having everything done for her! She needs to realise that, in the real world, you have to pay bills yourself.

She'll thank you for it in the long run. I know because I was in the same position as her a few years ago.

I wouldn't ask her to leave, she sounds like she needs a lot of support and it would be awful if she was suddenly having to cope by herself. I totally disagree that that's the solution, she sounds very vulnerable.
I can't decide if this is a good idea or not, but what about offering to 'sponsor' her weight loss? If she has money issues then the chance to get some lovely new clothes along the way might be the incentive she needs?

No wonder she has money problems if she takes a taxi half a mile!

I think you need to stop bailing her out. She doesn't need looking after. She's 21. Loads of 21 year olds have their own houses and kids by now and are looking after others!

Definitely stop buying chocolate etc. If she wants it that badly she can walk and get some. Don't let her get a taxi though.

I agree that kicking her out is not what she needs at the moment.

I also think that you need to concentrate on one pressing thing right now and that's diet. Forget exercise, she isn't going to do it because she hates the way she looks and she doesn't want to draw attention to herself. Plus if she's very heavy exercise won't make that much difference to her size.

Forget the smoking as well. If you don't allow her to smoke in your house and she can't smoke at work then she's unlikely to be smoking that much and she's young enough for her body to recover from it.

It's all about the diet right now. You've done so well in getting her to WW but now she has got to try something else. Is there a friend you could ask to chat to her? Would she give Slimming World a shot? Low Carbing - at least then she could still eat some 'naughty' things like cheese etc.

Calorie counting is easy - everything has a calorie count on it - even chocolate. If you set her a goal of, say, 1600 calories a day she could maybe try and stick to that and would be able to include one bar of chocs or a packet of crisps every day.

ABofDoncaster has it right: if kicking her out may worsen the problem, then the solution is to ask her to contribute to household finances and start a programme of learning to take responsibility, which should extend to her weight.

On that note, Minifingers I mean this is the gentlest possible way, but I'm not sure how you can say: ''I think the government needs to start a massive campaign to make us all feel responsible for our health, for the sake of the vulnerable and long term sick who will suffer hugely from the stress on NHS services that the overweight and unfit will cause''.

You say you, your DD and your DH's family are all overweight. Obviously you know there's a problem and feel some responsibility. What exactly do you expect the government to do more?

I honestly don't think the OP can do anything more except encourage her to talk and be supportive.

Her dd has to want and be in the right frame of mind to change her own lifestyle.

She is 21, no doubt she knows about all the different diets out there and the dangers of being overweight. It really is up to her.

My mum tried to fix it for my sister after years of trying to think of everything she could do to help she had to realise that she was powerless to help unless my sister actually wanted her help. I have had conversation after conversation with her myself. There is nothing you can do as hard as that is, it is just the truth. Countless appointments with GP's to get help with how to help her, trying to join her on diets etc etc nothing worked.

At her age all you can do is limit the junk you have in your home and be there to talk and support her when she wants it.

I agree that paying rent etc would be a good idea, but I don't know helpful that will be in terms of weightloss. She seems to need more responsibility and hopefully that will encourage self esteem which may lead to her wanting to change her lifestyle or not, but treat that as a separate issue that needs working on and hope everything snowballs from there.

OP, you have done everything you can, you really have. Just continue to encourage her to talk to you but really, your hands are tied. That might sound like a defeatist attitude but it is all you can do in reality.

I gained 5 stone a few years ago, I was miserable and it took a while for me to change my habits and lose weight. Anyone here who has ever had weight issues themselves know that until you are ready to make changes it is not going to happen.

I started to gain weight when I was a teenager. With hindsight it was a combination of a bad diet at home (crisps sandwiches for lunch washed down with coca-cola, anyone?) and lack of exercise when I went to boarding school age 14.
My mother gave me several very humiliating lectures about my weight but didn't alter our family's lifestyle. My father made snippy remarks about my weight, often when we had guests. I still feel like crying when I think about it. They didn't want me to lose weight for myself - they wanted me to lose weight because they were ashamed of me.
Incidentally when I lost a lot of weight during my Erasmus year (being abroad, far for my family was very good for me), my mother hated it.

You sound like a lovely, caring mother but you cannot make her lose weight. She knows she is overweight. She is not unhappy because she is overweight - she is overweight because she is unhappy. She needs to take responsibility for herself - this includes her diet but also her budget. I agree with the other posters that if she really cannot move out, you should charge her board. She doesn't plan to live with you forever, does she?

I was also surprised that she said she had been told to rest. Either she is not being honest with you or her GP is rubbish. Anyone presenting as being visibly overweight with high BP would not be told to rest, they would be encouraged to excercise and loose weight.

You need to have a talk with her, you said you were afraid of telling her how you feel as you may hurt her ? why ? I think you are confusing being a loving Mum with cossetting and not encouraging her to stand up for herself. Yes she may need emotional help at this time but I dont think you approach of wrapping her up in cotton wool is helping at all.

OP what are you thinking now?

Very good post xiaoxiong at 06.09

Op read her post. All this other stuff about throwing your dd out, or making her go on a diet etc are nonsense.

Your dd has deep emotional issues which she needs to get to the bottom of. If she were my dd Id sit her down, tell her you know she is very unhappy and that you want to help her to be happy again. Then listen to what she says.

I also agree that she needs to see another dr. She shouldn't be taking the diazepam. She needs proper help, counselling and maybe anti depressants to help with her anxiety.

Please have this conversation with her. NOTHING will change with her weight/smoking etc until she admits what is making her unhappy and she seeks help for it.

She needs your love, support and help and by the sound of it, I'm sure you'll be able to give her all of that.

Dd happily pays board of £200 each month. I am now thinking about increasing it so I can help her out more.
Her work is more like a mile away, 15 minutes very brisk walk. She gets taxis when she thinks she's going to be late.
She cannot drive. She had lessons 4years ago then stopped after she failed her theory test. I have bought her theory books and apps and said she can drive our cars if she learns to drive but she just lacks motivation! I have advised her that she could find jobs a lot easier if she could drive. I am going to go in to her room now, she is watching a movie on love film and see how she is today. Thanks for your fab advice and kindness.

Thing is chocolate and fags are unlikely to kill her for a while yet. Maybe completely step away from worrying about them and concentrate on building on her positives. Or counselling if she would be open to that. I don't think the book is a bad idea to suggest, maybe, if it delves deeper into the reasons behind food issues.

Also leaving home did nothing to change my food ishooos, self-image ishoos or stop me smoking. I'm not sure where they came from but having big brothers talk about me being fat when I wasn't, just had a broad back and big rib cage, and mum not defending me and later making concerned noises about my weight didn't really help. It just made me feel shit, resentful and stubborn.

It sounds like she's in a vicious cycle with feeling bad about herself. I would recommend checking out body positive resources such as: www.amazon.co.uk/Intuitive-Eating-3rd-Edition-ebook/dp/B006ZL3P4G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376826459&sr=8-1&keywords=intuitive+eating and www.amazon.co.uk/Health-Every-Size-Surprising-ebook/dp/B003UBAWZY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376826516&sr=8-1&keywords=health+at+every+size.

She will push back at you if you try to tell her what to do and partly because criticism and reproach makes you feel bad so that you then overeat for comfort.

I've not read the rest of the thread as I find reading about dieting can trigger eating issues in me. My advice is accept her as she is, be her person who makes her feel good about herself and keep an eye out for depression. Remember it's her choice what she does with her life but the important thing is that she is happy in herself - losing weight in itself doesn't bring that.

I am not going to mention the weight/diet/fags I know at best that it won't help her. I am concerned about the high bp and the diazepam prescription now though. She told me today that the doctor wants to take her blood pressure again to get an accurate reading as he took it when she was in a state. She also has to have a fasting blood test done one morning next week. I asked her how the diazepam has made her feel and she said no different so I have asked her to stop taking them. Now I am worried whether I should have said it or not!