To be terrified that dd's lifestyle is killing her?

[Quickquidqueen]

NC. I have thought of asking mn for help regarding this for the last couple of years but i thought i was doing all the right things and could handle it.

Dd1 (21) is very overweight. she smokes. she has a sedentary job. she does no exercise. She has been gaining weight at the rate of about a stone a year for the last four years. She lives with me, dh, dd2 and 4yo ds.

In 2010 I paid for a years gym membership for me and her as she wanted to get fit but I could not get her to go regularly enough so I did not pay for the following year. She said she didn't like swimming anymore - I believe this is just because she does not want to wear a swimsuit because of her weight. She would never come to classes but she liked going to the gym when it was quiet to use the machines.

Earlier this year she asked me to buy her some slim fast from the supermarket so I suggested that she join weight watchers instead. She did not want to go on her own so I joined with her she began to lose weight over the first few weeks but soon lost interest. We went to our last ww meeting this week. She is now heavier than when we started.

I have never seen her smoking because she knows I hate it. I do nag her about it when I smell it on her. I got her an e-cig for her 21st birthday

She told me she went to the doctors yesterday after she had a panic attack at work. He said she has high blood pressure and that she is stressed and needs to rest. He gave her diazepam. From what she told me I don't think he mentioned that her lifestyle was damaging to her health.

I now feel like I am helplessly watching my beloved dd killing herself. And I don't know what to do now.

Please be kind.

Thank you ghoul. My sentiments also. I believe she is prone to addictive behaviour. We have recently helped her out of a financial mess with quick quid. 2 years ago it was wonga.

Ok well, hard as it is for you all to do without the goodies, maybe stop buying them at all so at least she isn't eating all your stuff as well as any she buys herself?

Smaller portions for you all and loads of healthy stuff.

Would she agree to seeing someone via your Gp?

If she is unhappy in her job is it something she could transfer to another company/area to do?!

Such a worry for you.

She needs looking after that's why.

On the face of what you've written the cause could possibly lie in the job misery and problems individuating from you/ the family.

I know you want what's best for her and to support her and I know all families are different but not sure joining exercise classes and slimming classes together and buying food/diet products for her might be the best thing. Food issues are ime usually about control - and she needs to feel in control and decide when time is right to make changes. I know it's worrying and frustrating but I know in my experience as a Fat daughter I had to go the journey to healthiness alone and it was part of growing up and growing away.

I agree with you totally. I thought doctors were extremely reluctant to prescribe Diazepam to new patients these days. Especially ones with a history of other addictions. I really hope you can persuade her to see a different doctor who can find another solution to her anxiety.

I really feel for you as it must be so hard seeing your daughter going through this and feeling frustrated that you can't force her to make changes.

sorry OP this is going to be hard for you to hear but the reason she "needs looking after" is because she knows that you will do and therefore there is no reason for her to even try to take control of things. eating has nothing really to do with food and everything to do with control, depression etc. all the time you are there doing it for her she can in her own mind blame you. she needs to stand on her own two feet. this does not mean at all that you withdraw completely, of course it doesn't, but fast forward 5 yrs - 5 stone heavier, addicted to diazepam, and in hock to someone else. if mothers want to mother then children will behaviour like children and not adults. support her to live somewhere else and be there for her but make her take control of her life and decisions. you have to let her grow up.

I will try to find and link the thread I started in 2011 when i found out she had trouble with wonga.

I'm wondering if perhaps you worrying and always going on about it is having the opposite effect and is making her feel like it's something she has control over and it almost feels like an act of rebellion on her part.

I know at that age you often do exactly the opposite of what your parents want you to do. Is there anyone else like friends or siblings who could perhaps encourage her without making her feel like she is under pressure.

I understand that you are worried about her but I think perhaps you worrying and bringing it up could be damaging her self esteem and in turn lead to comfort eating and create a vicious cycle.

Perhaps rather than concentrating on her weight it would be better to build up her confidence and help her feel better about herself and hope that from there she might start feeling that she is worth taking care of.

I wouldn't kick her out or encourage her to leave home because I think she would then lose her emotional support and whatever issues are behind this would be worse.
Wii fit sounds a brilliant idea! Also being on a low income will be a great disincentive to buying snacks herself.
If you don't want your weight any lower, you can always treat yourself outside the house when you are not with her. I always regret it if I buy snacks when I go shopping. They're so tempting with their cheap offers. But they are not cheap because they are food you don't need with no nutritional value, so it is never money well spent. And once they're in the house, you'll all eat them whether you need them or not, just because they are there.
I also found that the more expensive the supermarket I shop in, the less I actually spend because I have to watch what I'm buying, and the better quality food I eat. So if you don't already, start shopping in M&S or Waitrose.

I don't think she knows I am so worried about her. I dare not tell her this is how I feel. But I would have hoped the doctor would have pointed out that her lifestyle is the main problem. She smokes, is very overweight and does no exercise and now she has high blood pressure. The one thing in her favour is that she is young.

The poster littleyello rightly says: ''Food issues are ime usually about control - and she needs to feel in control''

and the OP, in response to the question of why her daughter in her twenties needs to still be living at home, replies: ''She needs looking after that's why.''

As painful as it is, there's both your problem and solution.

I will order that book thank you. And I'll leave it lying around for her to find!

I think getting her to quit smoking and begin exercising are too difficult. These big issues are something that requires a huge personal sacrifice and lots of self discipline.

I think it would be best to start with encouraging her to tackle the unhealthy snacking if her main meals are healthy. Small steps.

Maybe you could help her try and replace her sweet snacks with healthy (and preferably savoury) options. Nuts, popcorn, rice cakes and cream cheese, dips and veg. Fruit for the sugar hit if needed. If the whole family does this then she wouldn't be able to eat your sweets either.

Also stop bailing her out of money problems that are her own fault!

How will she learn if you continue to do this?

She didnt learn the first time did she?

I hope you are charging her for rent, bills and food.

I don't feel able to address the emotional issues but yoir comments about sugar addiction could have been written about me, and your daughter's yo-yo dieting history is revealing. While she's in the grip of sugar addiction, no amount of portion control by you, throwing out of sweets, exercise suggestions or gentle (or not so gentle) cajoling is likely to help and will only make her miserable and utterly demoralised. I strongly recommend she reads "beat the diet trap" by John Briffa and, for a more chatty take on things, "Neris and India's idiot proof diet". And if she joins us in the low carb section of mumsnet we'll support her every step of the way.

You dare not ask her how she feels and you dare not tell her how you feel. Can you find a way to ask her how she feels? --I wonder why you are scared to ask.

Ideally part of a parents role i think is to be able to help understand and metabolise their child's difficult feelings, my mum couldn't do this so I found it difficult to learn how to do this for myself so ate instead. Counselling helped.

Tbh I'd be very hurt and upset if my slim mum left that book lying around for me "to find". Everyone is different though.

I worry about hurting her that's why I can't tell her I'm so worried about her. I would not leave a book lying around if I thought it would hurt her. She knows I have become very interested in healthy eating and I have bought ww magazine for the last few months (secretly hoping dd would be its cover girl one day)

Oh yes please don't leave books lying around for her to find. Have the conversation with her.

Also, please don't follow the suggestion of showing her photos of how she's gained weight. I'm sure she's perfectly aware of it. It's very easy, when overweight, to think "well I'm already overweight so I might as well eat all this anyway" rather than taking control of eating. She needs to take that control (with your support helping her) - only when she decides to do it will anything actually change.

If she's tried weight watchers once without it working, she'd need to be an exceptionally driven individual to make it work now. Calorie counting (which is what ww is at the end of the day) isn't for everyone, by any means. I really think she'll find the books I suggested to be helpful not least because they advise on how to lose weight without going hungry.

bloody hell don't make her leave she will just buy multi packs of crap instead of making and cooking healthy meals.

It's clear how much you care about her and worry about her. However, one of the things about worrying about someone you love is that people do not always like being worried about! If someone told me that they were worried about my weight I'd tell them to jolly well mind their own business. She really does need, one way or the other, to make the decision to do this for herself. I've been subjected to stealth diets by my mum in the past and was always furious about them and cheated like mad.

I think littleyello has put her finger on it. You don't want to talk to her about her emotional health, for fear of what she will say to you and/or upsetting her, even though her emotional health is likely at the root of the variety of things she is doing that are harming her physical self. You say you can't throw her out as she needs you - well yes, displaying the behaviours she is, I wouldn't throw her out either but I think you need to risk having your feelings getting possibly very badly hurt to break the vicious circle.

I think you need to brace yourself for some emotional trauma and sadness and really try and get her to talk, to you or another family member or to a counsellor, about the emotional roots of what's going on. Note I don't say "you need to talk to her" but rather get her to talk and you listen, no matter how much what comes out sounds like a parallel universe.

You sound like a lovely caring mum but it may very well be that you, or perhaps the way you react to things, are a/the problem in her eyes. What you see as caring very deeply about her and saving her from herself could be coming across as controlling and judgemental from her point of view.

It took having my own children to realise that my own mother's behaviour is at the root of many of my own issues with weight, perfectionism/laziness and desperation to please. But I have even more recently realised that many of her (narcissistic and controlling) behaviours are evidence of her total inability to deal with anxiety - she has no coping strategies to deal with the fact that she worries about everyone, constantly and to a pathological degree, and she will never admit that she needs help dealing with her worries as a) it's normal to worry about your family right? and b) that would be showing weakness. And of course her issues are rooted in her childhood with an alcoholic philandering narc father who she adored and hated in equal measure and taking responsibility for her 4 younger siblings.

I'm not saying you have issues and look to yourself first. However nothing she has ever said to me about my weight (and she has said plenty!!) has had any effect as she was in fact causing the problem by her desperate need to control me, which i now realise was because she was so worried about what would happen to me in future if I was overweight and unhealthy and control or its withdrawal (giving me the silent treatment) is the only strategy she knows

My eldest DD is almost 21. If I am ever concerned about her I sit down and talk to her face to face. Your DD is an adult and you need to stop tip toeing round her. I wouldn't start by saying you are worried about her smoking or her weight. I would start by saying that you feel she is unhappy and ask her what you can do to help her. Maybe support her in looking for a new job and gaining some independence from you. Could she look at college or uni to train for a new career? Maybe she feels stuck in a rut living at home and doing a boring job?

I wonder whether people would advocate that op make her leave home if she were anorexic? It's all part of the same spectrum . The poor girl is deeply troubled and her mum is finding the best way through it.

Counselling sounds like a plan. Change Gp