To be terrified that dd's lifestyle is killing her?

[Quickquidqueen]

NC. I have thought of asking mn for help regarding this for the last couple of years but i thought i was doing all the right things and could handle it.

Dd1 (21) is very overweight. she smokes. she has a sedentary job. she does no exercise. She has been gaining weight at the rate of about a stone a year for the last four years. She lives with me, dh, dd2 and 4yo ds.

In 2010 I paid for a years gym membership for me and her as she wanted to get fit but I could not get her to go regularly enough so I did not pay for the following year. She said she didn't like swimming anymore - I believe this is just because she does not want to wear a swimsuit because of her weight. She would never come to classes but she liked going to the gym when it was quiet to use the machines.

Earlier this year she asked me to buy her some slim fast from the supermarket so I suggested that she join weight watchers instead. She did not want to go on her own so I joined with her she began to lose weight over the first few weeks but soon lost interest. We went to our last ww meeting this week. She is now heavier than when we started.

I have never seen her smoking because she knows I hate it. I do nag her about it when I smell it on her. I got her an e-cig for her 21st birthday

She told me she went to the doctors yesterday after she had a panic attack at work. He said she has high blood pressure and that she is stressed and needs to rest. He gave her diazepam. From what she told me I don't think he mentioned that her lifestyle was damaging to her health.

I now feel like I am helplessly watching my beloved dd killing herself. And I don't know what to do now.

Please be kind.

If she's having blood tests done perhaps it might be an idea to get thyroid done at the same?

Underactive thyroid can be linked to depression as well as weight gain.

Good idea to get her thyroid checked too.

Tbh I'd ask her if she wants you to come with her to the drs. It sound like she could do with some moral support there. She needs proper help with her anxiety not just diazepam. That alone isn't going to make her better.

I say this as someone who's dd has had health problems (inclucluding excessive dieting and overeating) because of a sudden bereavement. She was 19 and I kind of let her take the lead for a while ie she refused to see a dr. It got to the point where I had to step in and tell her I was taking her to the dr. She was actually quite relieved Id take control, she asked me to talk to the dr brcause she didn't want to. I went in with DD with a list of all the issues. I hope your dd lets you help her.x

Has anyone tried hypnotherapy?? Maybe for the sweet/chocolate obsession it may be worth a go? Maybe the promise of a new wardrobe if she does really good? Keeo joining in tgings with her and maje out your v.v. disappointed that you have to go on your own when if she lets you down- make out she's doing you a favour :) x

Bloody thumbs and mobiles- sorry!! Xx

someone who thinks SlimFast will solve this is clueless about healthy eating and exercise, I'm afraid. Assuming she is of normal intelligence and completed her education, she cannot NOT know why she is so fat.

the smoking is of course massively increasing her risk of a heart attack and cancer, but less immediately than the massive weight gain.

is there something else going on? Anyway, I agree it is time for some straight talking.

I have told her to ask for a thyroid function test and asked her if she would like me to come to the doctors with her this week and she said she would rather go alone. I said ok that is fair enough as you are an adult but text me and let me know how you get on. I have told her there is a link with the thyroid, weight gain and depression. I asked her if she speaks to anyone about her feelings and she said she only talks to her best friend. She does not talk to to her estranged dad either although she does see him fairly regularly. I said that she can talk to me if she likes and she said no she only talks to her best friend about stuff. I have arranged to take her out for the day this Friday as we are both off work that day. Maybe we don't spend enough time together just the two of us.

I think that's a really good start Quick. You've put the idea in her head that she can talk to you, sometimes it takes a while for someone to mull that over, then decide they will talk.

Don't keep any high calorie snack foods (biscuits, crisps, chocolate etc) in the house. Maybe start charging her a highish rent/board so she has less spare cash and may perhaps buy fewer snacks? You can always put the money in a separate account and keep it for some big expenditure in future.

I am very much like ur daughter. Due to things id rather not go into I gained alot of weight. I wont join ww due to my social phobia. I to am on diazapan aswell as zopiclone for sleep, anti depressents and co codamol. I urge ur daughter not to take them. Im now addicted and battling to get off them, my doctor left me on them far to long and 7 years later I cant function without them. Iv just been given orlistat for my weight aftet an ultrasound showed fatty liver disease. I would hate for anyone to go through what I am.

You sound like a fantastic caring mum!

Rather than addressing her weight which is something that she needs to deal with herself it's probably best to address the underlying causes.

If she's unhappy in her job then would it be worth sitting down discussing what she's good at and what she's interested in doing career wise. Some further education might boost her confidence and her life sounds fairly insular with you living so close to where she works. Another pair of eyes over her cv may help her job prospects.

I used to be very self destructive and I found cutting negative people out of my life and finding something I was good and enjoyed really helped me turn my life around.

With regards to exercise if she's self conscious fitness students often offer personal training sessions at quite a low rate which might be worth looking into.

QuickQuid You are a fabulous mum. Actually, you sound very similar to my mum, who has worried about me and my sister for years and tried everything to get us to lose weight.

You are doing all the right things. I agree with everyone about getting rid of the junk food in the house. Try to have healthy snacks around instead. Grapes are good because you can pick at them like you would a bag of sweets. I like to buy fruit/veg (cantaloupe is great because it's sweet so it feels like more of a 'treat') and chop it up and keep it in tubs at the front of the fridge. If I want a snack I'm more likely to eat the chopped up things because they are right there, ready to eat.

It'd be really great if your DD could find a sport/activity she truly enjoyed, but I understand the hesitation to actually get out and try anything, as an overweight person you already feel like everyone is staring and laughing at you before you've even tried the new activity. If your DD mentions going up to her room to watch a movie, could you suggest the two of you going for a walk beforehand? It'd be good for her to get into a routine of taking a walk every day, a walk to wind down and relax, rather than a rushed one to get to work. She may start to open up to you during these walks too.

Doe she sleep well? My weight ballooned when I was hardly sleeping in my late teens/early 20s. Because I didn't sleep enough I ate more, to try and get energy throughout the day I suppose.

One of the things that helped me get back on track was looking at a lot of 'before and after' pictures of people who had successfully lost weight. Especially 'shocking' ones where people had lost a huge amount of weight. I think this reassured me that it is possible, and gave me hope.

Sorry this is so long!

You sound like a brilliant mum.

I was your daughter 10 yrs ago. 22 6 stone overweight, 20 a day smoker and drinking far too much. My mum tried exactly what you do. I only changed when I wanted to for myself. 4 years ago I realised I was eating because I was so unhappy (yup, took me 6 yrs to admit to that one) and over the next 4 hrs I lost all 6 stone cut out the fags and booze. It didn't happen overnight - I had a 2yr addiction to nicotine lozenges instea of fags at one point!!

Pete cohens books really helped me. So did knowing my family were there for me when I was ready.

Keep plodding on, you are doing great and I hope your daughter gets healthy.

I don't believe for a minute that her GP has not talked to her about her lifestyle, but there is no way she will admit this to you. She knows that she is not looking after herself, but as yet is not ready to do anything about it.

Sorry op but I do not have any ideas how you can help her until she is ready.

For as long as I can remember I have had a tricky relationship with my mother about my weight. I still have a feeling of angst every time I see her waiting to see if she will say something nice or nasty, encouraging, or chiding. This has gone on since I was a child as I have been fat since I was a child. I have started losing weight now and hate her making positive comments about that too. I just don't want to discuss it at all.

Please don't fall out with her or become someone she dreads talking to.

For as long as I can remember I have had a tricky relationship with my mother about my weight. I still have a feeling of angst every time I see her waiting to see if she will say something nice or nasty, encouraging, or chiding. This has gone on since I was a child as I have been fat since I was a child. I have started losing weight now and hate her making positive comments about that too. I just don't want to discuss it at all.

Please don't fall out with her or become someone she dreads talking to.

^^ this is absoloute gospel, I dread talking to my mum now.

Another poster chiming in with horror that her GP has prescribed diazepam. He is following it up, I suppose, with blood tests etc soon - but imo it is so irresponsible to prescribe something so highly addictive; to someone who already shows clear addictive tendences. Sometimes (rarely) GPs prescribe maybe 5 tabs for an intense crisis but that's your lot. I wouldn't say diazepam is at all appropriate in these circs. Apart from anything else, she sounds practically horizontal with apathy - tranqs aren't going to do anything to help that!

Sounds like she is currently addicted to sugar (as well as being generally an addictive type). Bear in mind that simple carbs - even white pasta, white bread - are sugar mainlines, too. Clearing out the rubbish food from your house will definitely help.... but she will find a way, any way, to get her fix. Think eg alcoholic, or any addiction . Does addiction run in the family?

She will only get there when she gets there. Nothing and no-one will cajole her to face her addiction(s). Consequences are the best teachers. You have done well to not nag - nagging wouldn't help at all, it would make it worse. (again, think eg alcoholics: nagging goes nowhere )

This book is a real help to understanding food addiction. You could ask her if she is concerned about her weight - it's a subject you have already addressed together, so it shouldn't be a surprise to discuss it again - and possibly suggest this book. It does explain very well the huge sugar hit that comes from eating sugar (in whatever form), and the subsequent endless see-saw of too high/low blood sugar.

There's also Overeaters Anonymous as a way of looking at addictive eating (OA welcomes not just overeaters but anyone with a disordered relationship with food and eating which is most of the female western world tbf )

It would be a good idea for you to gen up on addiction btw.

I'm wondering if the panic attack and diazepam prescription indicate a major underlying issue going on - I don't think people start getting panic attacks for no reason and I agree that a decent GP wouldn't prescribe, especially to a young person, without good reason.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but what happened with her father? How old was she when your relationship broke down and, assuming you all lived together, was it a stressful time?

She had a panic attack yesterday morning at work after receiving a call from an awkward customer. She rang me while she was in a state then texted me later to tell me she was feeling better and had gone back inside. I went to meet her from work at the end of her shift and we walked home and chatted - she seemed fine.

This morning she had a panic attack while getting ready for work I went to her room and told her to take her tablets have a coffee and ring in sick. The doctor had advised her to take time off but she refused because she can't afford it as she has bought a load of stuff she doesn't need on the tick which has to be paid for!

She doesn't seem to be coping at all with the pressure at work.

I am going to take her bp this morning, just going to look for the kit now.

Oh quick so sorry she's having a horrible time.

It's a shame she isn't taking time off. It looks like she trying to carry on regardless but her body is telling her to stop and rest. You can't force her but I would keep repeating that you think she needs to rest and look after her self

It is very positive though that she phoned you yesterday and is letting you help her. I really think if you just let her know you are there to help she will eventually see sense. You're a great mum quick

Thanks ET. She has phoned in sick now.

Oh good. Hope she has a very lazy day.
It sound like she is very stressed about work and debt. Everything seems 100x worse when no one else knows about it so I hope she manages to open up a bit.

quick you sound like a very caring, loving parent but from your daughter's pov possibly slightly overbearing? You say she lacks motivation but is that possibly because you seem to do everything for her? You bail her out when she spends too much so she doesn't have to budget her wages, you buy her theory test books and apps, pay for the gym, weight watchers, you're in control of the "treats"... Where is her independence? If I wanted to learn to drive I would buy my own theory test apps. If I wanted to join the gym I would pay myself. In fact I did both of those things, plus I had my own house and mortgage at 21 as well as a baby. My parents helped me, of course they did but they certainly didn't do everything for me.

She needs your support, that is clear but you can support her by being there for her emotionally you do not need to do everything for her. You are enabling her to not take responsibility for her own life. She won't stop smoking or lose weight because she has to make that decision herself and at the moment you are doing everything for her.

I know you are doing things with the best of intentions but cut the apron strings a bit, put her in charge of her own life and tell her she has to sort out her debts, her driving etc.

Foxy Yes the dd needs to step up and start being independent, at some point, but not just now. The dd needs to feel supported, she's depressed, over weight and is having panic attacks.

I think telling her to sort herself out, is the last thing she needs.

Like you FR I had job mortgage, house, and kids at age 21. My dd is not me. I wouldn't want her to be me or have the the life have had. I try to motivate her to do stuff that will help her because she wouldn't bother otherwise not the other way round.

excuse she's overweight and unhappy for a reason, I didn't tell her mum to tell her to "sort herself out", I said she should cut the apron strings a bit. She's in debt. Help her work out a plan to pay it back or sit with her while she calls the company to discuss a repayment plan. That's what I would consider helping. Paying the debt off is just going to allow her to think she can do it again. This is the sort of thing I meant, not just to tell her to sort herself out and cast her adrift!

I think you should suggest to her you will come to the Dr with her if she would like you to. She does need moral support but telling her you're coming is again removing her independence. Please, please talk to her. She is clearly unhappy and you sound like such a loving parent I don't doubt that she will feel safe to talk to you but for many reasons may not know how to approach you to start the conversation herself.

I felt incensed when I read 'overbearing' but now I've read the posts I think eg foxy may have a point? It may be that, because you struggled at 21, you could be going too much in the other direction? I don't say that easily, though.

I am reminded of my mum whose own mother was very ill with heart problems when my mum was a teen, and my mum as the oldest girl ended up being the 'mother' eg looking after the kids, house etc - she did all the work. When she had us, she was determined we would have the childhood she didn't have... and as a result we all ended up horribly lazy. A bit of hardship in life is perhaps a good thing?

However, you can't necessarily manufacture it; and your daughter is now in crisis, so now is not the time iyswim. It could be something to bear in mind for the future when the decks have cleared a bit?