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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...if think this woman should spend more time with her children!

159 replies

mynameismskane · 15/08/2013 13:40

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2393742/No-job--time-nanny-children-But-dont-try-telling-Alex-shes-bad-mum.html

This woman thinks women don't like the fact she has full time help and a nanny even though she doesn't work... I would say it is more to do with the fact she doesn't spend a lot of time with her children in the week even though she doesn't work! She doesn't do a lot with them if the nanny is there five days a week until 6pm does she?!

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 15/08/2013 19:28

I don't have a problem with her lifestyle it seems the only help she gets if off her nanny.

She hasn't got any family and it don't seem like her friends are very supportive.

JenniBoo · 15/08/2013 19:30

Arisbottle I think the thing is that society is a little uncomfortable with the idea that women wouldn't want to spend all their time with their children - and whilst it might excuse them for going out to work (especially if for financial necessity), that's one of the few justifiable excuses....

Men are allowed to not enjoy being with their children and can go and play golf etc.

Sigh..

Pinkpinot · 15/08/2013 19:33

She does have sole care from 6pm to 8am
That's similar to some full time working mothers
SO CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW OFFENSIVE YOU ARE BEING TO THOSE MOTHERS?

Platinumstart · 15/08/2013 19:37

Loopytiles Standard Daily Mail misogynist bollocks.

Spot on

Platinumstart · 15/08/2013 19:41

cleoowen wh on earth would the kids be confused? Sounds like mum is round a whole lot more than the average working mum

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/08/2013 19:43

tbh if her dh can afford it and both parents are happy and nanny doesnt mind working for a sahm then its no ones business but theirs

though have to say (as a nanny) that the salary at £18k is very low for a 50hr week

it wouldnt hurt for her to have a day looking after them herself, and a 4 day nanny, but thats up to them

morethanpotatoprints · 15/08/2013 19:44

Its not for me, but in the past and probably now as well, the upper classes were exactly the same with their children. They practically lived in the nursery with nanny until it was time for boarding school.
As I said, not for me, but each to their own. Its all relative as well, I spend all day with my dd she is H.ed and never went to nursery or child minder etc. I could say this about somebody who works full time, but you do what suits your family. YABU to judge somebody elses parenting choices.

pianodoodle · 15/08/2013 19:45

I don't see how you can alienate so many friends solely on the basis of your lifestyle. I'd say personality has played a bigger part there...

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 15/08/2013 19:49

£18 000?? She's underpaying her nanny, the tight bitch. I pay more than that for a 4-day week, and I'm out of the house all the time, in case you're reading, Nicola

cleoowen · 15/08/2013 19:49

It doesn't sound like she's around much at all. I think they will be confused as they get older as to why the nanny is there and why mummy doesn't want to look after them. I think I would grow up quite insecure if my dad was never there and my mummy was out playing tennis,shopping or having lunch with friends rather than with me. I think a part time nanny would be more appropriate and allow her to have her own time too.

cleoowen · 15/08/2013 19:51

I agree personality would influence her not having many friends, she sounds quite into her looks. My hair stylist and manicurist! I expect feel they don't have much in common with her.

ExNanny · 15/08/2013 19:57

I am laughing at all the mums saying the mum in the article is missing out on her DC, they would be depressed if they had a nanny looking after their DC, etc, etc.

I have been a nanny for four families where the mother didn't work. Yes, at times I got a bit judgey..when a parent got up after the child went to nursery and then went out to lunch/art class/shopping/dinner, not returning until after bedtime for several days in a row...(which can easily happen with working parents - one father left before the children woke, and returned home at 10pm each night, but even the baby go excited when he came home early on a Friday, so there was definitely a bond there, despite being cared for by a maternity nurse since birth, as well as Mummy and nanny)...or when a child refused to go to sleep until Mummy said goodnight, but the mother refused. Confused or when parents spent ££££ of toys, books and educational items for their DC, but didn't actually interact with them (the last two examples were the same parent, and that was not a run-of-the-mill family. Think two nannies for four DC, was well as a butler, and three chefs, plus housekeeper and several cleaners. And Two chauffeurs and more body guards than I could count). But none of these DC seemed to suffer and seem to have turned out remarkably well balanced.

But mostly non-working parents with nannies are just normal people, who interact with their DC a healthy amount, who have a strong attachment with their DC. Years later as adults they have a great relationship with their children.(It's a while since I worked as a nanny). In fact, the mother I worked for who now doesn't have a good relationship with her children, and the children grew up so troubled, was a working mother who was out of the house 7-7pm, and needed a nanny.

Would I have a nanny for my DC if I were a SAHM and could afford it? Yes, indeed I would. Would I have had a maternity nurse? No, definitely not. Would I work full time when my DC were tiny? Not if I could help it - it would make me ill. I wouldn't dream of suggesting other women should't work.

Why can't we all just do what's best for us in our circumstances, and stop being critical of other women's choices?

dubaipieeye · 15/08/2013 20:05

I haven't read the whole thread but I d like to say that I have just the one child, have given up work and have a full time, live in nanny. It is fab!

appletarts · 15/08/2013 20:06

Arisbottle I'm not talking about you, I haven't read anything about your life and you're not the subject of this thread. This woman could spend all day long with her kids and she chooses to steer clear of them prioritising her stylist and manicurist, who incidentally have their work cut out making her look even remotely attractive. So she has spent her childrens childhoods looking in the mirror at herself, something about that isn't right. Yep really a devoted mother.

UnknownGnome · 15/08/2013 20:12

Why the need to comment on her perceived level of attractiveness? Hmm

Wishihadabs · 15/08/2013 20:20

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. I have done all of the following which although not quite the same have overlaps so MN jury judge away

  1. Worked ft and had ft childcare and sent the dcs to child care whilst I had a hair cut, a driving lesson and met friends for lunch on my days off

  2. kept dc1 in childcare 3 days a week whilst on maternity leave with dc2

  3. Co-patented with a next door neighbour (so one of us had both children) so we could both do stuff without our dcs as well as feeding and bathing them together for ease and company.

  4. Have a house keeper despite working pt and having dcs at school

  5. Nap in the day whenever I get a chance :)

Wishihadabs · 15/08/2013 20:22

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. I have done all of the following which although not quite the same have overlaps so MN jury judge away

  1. Worked ft and had ft childcare and sent the dcs to child care whilst I had a hair cut, a driving lesson and met friends for lunch on my days off

  2. kept dc1 in childcare 3 days a week whilst on maternity leave with dc2

  3. Co-patented with a next door neighbour (so one of us had both children) so we could both do stuff without our dcs as well as feeding and bathing them together for ease and company.

  4. Have a house keeper despite working pt and having dcs at school

  5. Nap in the day whenever I get a chance :)

Wallison · 15/08/2013 20:26

Well, the woman herself talks about how attractive she is, so if you put stuff out there ...

I'm feeling kind of negative towards her but that's mainly because she sounds so fucking vacuous. Yeah, sure, do what you want re childcare but is shopping really all that much fun? (I loathe shopping and cannot understand why people see it as a leisure activity.) I would say though that having grandparents help out is not the same as paying someone to look after your kids while you endlessly get your nails done - grandparents are part of a child's family, and will be in the child's life hopefully until they die. This woman is already on her second nanny.

Wallison · 15/08/2013 20:31

What I mean is, there are better ways to spend your time. Read a fucking book, ffs. Go to the cinema in the middle of the day, help out an elderly neighbour, volunteer somewhere - fucking anything, anything at all but choosing to spend your time fucking shopping rather than being with your kids is just fucking moronic.

appletarts · 15/08/2013 20:36

Here here!

leobear · 15/08/2013 20:40

Wallison - wash you mouth out.

leobear · 15/08/2013 20:42

Flip side to your argument: treat your elderly parents like slaves, versus giving someone a decent wage to do a professional job.

UnknownGnome · 15/08/2013 20:45

Or mn all day Wallison. You forgot mn on your list of acceptable things to do whilst neglecting one's children Grin

pianodoodle · 15/08/2013 20:46

I suppose you have to admire the stubbornness of someone who, rather than looking within for the reason she's disliked thinks "It must be because I'm so great" Grin

youvegotmail · 15/08/2013 20:47

I feel sorry for her being married to such a knob - he is inconvenienced that her mother has died because he's used to her helping out, he wants to hire a nanny as he doesn't have time for her to get PND (haha! funny joke!), he has two children but has hardly ever done a bottle or nappy, and he loves having a nanny because it means he can play more golf.

If we're going to focus our judging on someone, should it perhaps be directed at him?!