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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...if think this woman should spend more time with her children!

159 replies

mynameismskane · 15/08/2013 13:40

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2393742/No-job--time-nanny-children-But-dont-try-telling-Alex-shes-bad-mum.html

This woman thinks women don't like the fact she has full time help and a nanny even though she doesn't work... I would say it is more to do with the fact she doesn't spend a lot of time with her children in the week even though she doesn't work! She doesn't do a lot with them if the nanny is there five days a week until 6pm does she?!

OP posts:

JenniBoo · 15/08/2013 15:40

I don' t think her personal grooming is an issue - I'm sure loads of mothers leave their children at nursery or playgroup or school or with friends and family whilst they get their hair done etc - that's no big deal.

My concern would be that she doesn't seem to want to spend hardly any time with her children - most mothers wouldn't choose that? A craftier approach to avoiding looking after them might have been not to have any in the first place!

quesadilla · 15/08/2013 15:40

pomme like I say, I wouldn't do it.
But there are plenty of people who judge mums who go out to work saying they are also setting bad examples for their children. We can't really win can we?

captainmummy · 15/08/2013 15:41

I like the way she describes herself as a SAHM - No, you're not. You may be a mother but you are not mummy.

Poor dc.

And the father - 'works long hours, and can then go to the golf course'. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plenty of people just cope without dissolving into sobs and a food-stained mess. And they appreciate their free time even more - and will have a much better relationship with the dc. Otherwise why bother having kids?

jammiedonut · 15/08/2013 15:44

The saddest thing I thought was that her husband had seemingly no interaction with the children. He can work hard, play golf and she could count on one hand how many times he'd changed a nappy.
Each to their own. If this is the only way he can manage, fine. I enjoy the sense of achievement at the end of a hard day looking after ds and still manage to get my hair and nails done despite being his full-time carer. I do benefit froma partner who loves to be a hands on parent when he comes home though.

Also, If one of my friends described me in the way she did about her friends, I wouldn't invite them out anymore either!

Celadorhasacatandawaveequation · 15/08/2013 15:46

She isn't unreasonable for hiring someone to help, and her children seem well cared for by the nanny. However she is unreasonable for being unbelievably smug, and it's probably why her friends aren't keen.

Bring back Samantha Brick and her drivel writing colleague Shona.

quesadilla · 15/08/2013 15:47

also she does say she doesn't outsource everything. She chooses to do the "fun" stuff with her kids and let the nanny do the boring stuff.

Again, you can argue about whether or not its good for the kids to see their mum swanning around having fun and never doing any hard work, but its not like she's totally absent from her childrens' lives.

Platinumstart · 15/08/2013 15:49

Havent read link...but: I had a full time housekeeper before I worked and god the vitriol it invoked from some was like nothing else.

The fact is day to day life with young children is hard work and who really wants to drag a car full of DC to do the grocery shop? Having an extra pair of hands meant that if eldest was engrossed in a book or game she could be left with our housekeeper when i had to run an errand or if the baby was asleep she didn't have to be woken up and forced into her car seat to pick the others from school.

And yes sometimes I went to the gym for an hour or even occasionally had lunch with DH on our own (shock horror) so what? It's a lot better for family life than having to do the post 8pm gym class because you need to wait for DH to get home to babysit, or strap a toddler into the buggy with a pack of choc buttons cos youre going to the drs for a a smear and have no one to look after them....

TenToWine · 15/08/2013 15:50

She is talking abotu what it costs them to employ the nanny so much mean gross. Although i think it is quite possible she is paying cash in hand ...

JenniBoo · 15/08/2013 15:51

Actually I am a bit jealous - I must be shite at hiring nannies (and my friends too) because IME it's a bit of a myth that nannies create domestic harmony from havoc.

At the end of the day, they are just one person looking after 2 small children - and in this case, on the minimum wage. :(

In reality, you are running round last thing at night to clear up the supper dishes, because you want the place to look respectable in the morning. When you do take over the kids, you can't find any buggering thing because your nanny has tidied it away somewhere different, and she used the ham you were intendeing for dinner for lunch.

Being at home with a nanny around isn't terribly relaxing either. If your kids are mainly bonded with you - they'll want you all the buggering time too :(

sweetkitty · 15/08/2013 15:52

I have 4 DC and no help from anyone, I'm not a wreck, my house is pretty clean and tidy (well as it can be) my hairs clean, my make ups on, my toe nails painted, I rarely sit down though as I'd rather be playing with the DCs.

Rather than have a nanny I would love a cleaner/cook and ironing lady to do all the crap housework so I can just look after the DC.

I have a friend whose soul goal is to farm her DC out, she's a SAHM and if they are not at grandmas they are at summer clubs etc. I often think she should work and employ a nanny.

My opinion is they aren't that young for long and won't want to hang out with me so I'm making the most of it whilst I can.

I don't really judge the woman in the article if that's what she wants to spend her money on.

HairyGrotter · 15/08/2013 15:52

I'd hire help if I could, I'd be well chilled out. I'm not a mummsy mum anyhoo, but I'd go 'Victorian' with it if I could afford it, although I'd do more 'fun' things so wouldn't be "hands off"

I care not about how others raise their children as long as abuse is not present let them crack on

BoozyBear · 15/08/2013 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maja00 · 15/08/2013 15:53

pomme - the employer says it "costs" her £18k, not even that she pays the nanny £18k. More likely that the £18k is inclusive of employer's NI than it is the nanny's take home.

jungletoes · 15/08/2013 15:58

The bit I object to is the assumption that if we could afford it we'd all do it. Well, er, no actually. I had children to be with them, it wasn't easy at times but they're my kids and I loved it when they were small.

Don't get why ANYBODY would have kids and hand them over to someone else!!

Platinumstart · 15/08/2013 16:01

Actually having now read the article what I see is a woman with no family, a husband who works very long hours, two babies born very close together and in the midst of her grief for her own mother who just needed an extra pair of hands.

For every "morning shopping" and "mm hairdresser and manicurist" comment there was a much more hum drum "when nanny and I took them out together " comment. Typical DM anti woman slant. Knew I shouldn't have bloody read it

Arisbottle · 15/08/2013 16:04

If I could convince DH I would do this in a shot. I am bone idol though, currently trying to convince DH I can be a SAHM ! This would be paradise.

Arisbottle · 15/08/2013 16:05

Jungletoes I love my children but because I am not a saint I like to have time without them.

pommedechocolat · 15/08/2013 16:05

Then she is paying her £6/hr net?! Eek.

I do not think it is right for someone to do be 'doing' in their day to day life. Look after your children, work, volunteer. Do not do nothing. Mind you I think the retirement age should be 75 :)

We have used a lovely nanny this summer but I prefer nursery for childcare I think.

jungletoes - big statement there! Does sending them to school at 5 count?

JenniBoo · 15/08/2013 16:07

If that is £18k net including paid hols then she is netting £1500 a month which is £24k a year gross salary. Not minimum wage. Nannies normally talk in net.

She isn't a nanny - she's an employer. If £18k is the total spend on the nanny as she suggests, her nanny's gross pay will be around £16k because employers pay employers NICs on top of salary.

Poor, poor nanny - imagine your employer wanting to do this to you! I bet it wasn't mention at interview

HairyGrotter · 15/08/2013 16:07

I never wanted children, I fell pregnant, stepped up to the mark and enjoy my DD very much. I love her, look after her and work towards ensuring she is a healthy, functioning adult, however, if I could afford the help (I was a lone parent prior to meeting DP) I would because the boring bits are, well, boring!

The whole "Why ANYBODY would have kids and hand them over to someone else" thing is a black and white view

UnknownGnome · 15/08/2013 16:17

When does the 'happy mum, happy baby' thing stop being true then? I hate that phrase but it's trotted out constantly when we're making choices regarding bf/ff/cc etc. Doesn't it also apply to childcare choices?

We're all different. I have friends who are with their children constantly, those who work full time and only have quality time with their children at weekends. I'm somewhere in the middle as i work part time. I have, in the past, taken leave from work and still put the kids in nursery. Sometimes when i have a full day with the children i don't enjoy it. Their whining annoys me. The constant demand irritate me. I allow them to watch tv a lot because at least they're quiet. I wanted children, I love my children, my life revolves around my children. However, i'm not a natural entertainer and I don't enjoy every aspect of parenting. If i could easily afford help maybe i'd employ someone.

However, i haven't read the link so i have no idea about this woman's smugness. Smug is never good. She may not be a nice person but i wouldn't make that judgement based purely on her choice to pay for full time help with her children.

Charlottehere · 15/08/2013 16:19

I would employ a part time nanny if I could afford it.

UnknownGnome · 15/08/2013 16:22

And questioning why ANYBODY would have children and hand them over to someone else is just as smug as suggesting that everyone would have help i they could afford it. No one's a perfect parent but we all do the best we can do. Judgement from others is unfair and unnecessary.

pommedechocolat · 15/08/2013 16:22

'happy mum, happy baby' is a stupid phrase that doesnt apply at all to anything imo!
Making decisions around your children is all about compromises and keeping everyone as happy as possible as far as possible. We should be realistic in our decisions and understand their full implications good and bad. 'Happy mum, happy baby' suggests a very top line understanding of issues.

Elsiequadrille · 15/08/2013 16:24

It does sound like she does the menial jobs and leaves the mother free to be with the children if she wishes (sorry, have only skimmed article).

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