Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move abroad and leave my grown up family behind?

140 replies

wheatfreetoast · 14/08/2013 23:21

my son is in his 30's married with one child, he had a second child who sadly died and a third on the way.

reasons for wanting to move are, my dh lost his dad recently, and his mother is quite unwell, dh's brother does nothing to help out with with dh's mum, so it all falls on us.

we have a holiday home abroad that tbh we cannot really afford, and renting the house we own here in the uk would give us more money,which would make our lives more comfortable

my ds is an only child

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2013 23:25

Is MIL in this country or the country you are going to?

ExcuseTypos · 14/08/2013 23:26

I personally couldn't leave my family behind, I'd want to be a part of my DCs and grandchildrens lives.

If I were you I'd be inclined to sell the holiday home, which would give you some money, and ask BIL to step up and help with his parents.

Iamnormalish · 14/08/2013 23:28

No I dont think YABU.

I plan to move abroad once my DC have upped an dleft home and established thier own adult lives.

greenfolder · 14/08/2013 23:29

if you want to go, then go i say. do you have a day to day physical presence in grandchildrens lives? if not, I would just position it that you are renting out home to try living in holiday home/help out MIL. I dont think you can live your life around your child.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 14/08/2013 23:41

Mil is here in UK.

We have asked dh's brother to help out more so many times, but he thinks just because we don't work, and he does, we should have to do it

OP posts:
Hissy · 14/08/2013 23:41

Whatever you do, please tell your DS where exactly you're moving to. Ideally before you actually go.

My mum didn't tell me. :( Few weeks on and i'm given the address, but tbh, the damage is done.

If I were you i'd speak to your DS about it, and make sure he's on board.

Perhaps your ds needs emotional support for the death of his child? Have you asked?

Tbh, if you can't afford the holiday home, could you sell it?

Is the main reason you are wanting to leave the fact that you're left to care for your MIL?

I think whatever happens, you need to tackle your BIL and get him to agree to divide the care, or help finance the assistance needed to make it bearable for all concerned. What happens if your MIL dies when you and your H are abroad? What happens if BIL doesn't step up?

The way your post reads, you seem to be lacking the will to confront any issues in your life.

Even if you do leave, you need to deal with all of these issues.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 14/08/2013 23:42

We cannot sell the holiday home. It just won't sell.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 14/08/2013 23:47

You get one life, live it!! You can't live for other people. I say this as someone who lives on the other side of the world from my family.

I would be sad to live in a different country from my DC, but would just plan to meet up with them as much as possible.

mrsjay · 15/08/2013 00:55

you know what your son is a grown man I am assuming you wont be moving to australia so you can fly back or your son and his family can come and see you, go live your life it really is far too short , people never moan when adult children move away from parents do they. what will happen with MIL though will you get some care in for her

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2013 02:39

This might sound mean but if you both don't work and BIL does, I can see why he thinks you could have more of a caring role than him.

I moved away from my DM and DF and it is very hard. No support, no everyday contact, having to be in other people's space when visiting, DD needing time to get used to her GPs every time they see her. Flying with DD...

I wouldn't do it if I had a choice. Could you work p-t or rent the holiday home? If you had a p-t job, maybe BIL would step up more.

NadiaWadia · 15/08/2013 02:47

Is this a reverse AIBU? Are you really the DIL expecting another child?

I think it is a bit heartless really. What will happen to your elderly MIL? Aren't you going to mind not seeing your grandchildren regularly?

mynewpassion · 15/08/2013 02:53

So you are upset that your BIL isn't stepping up to the plate more and yet you want to move abroad to avoid taking care of your MIL? Its couched in financial terms but it boils down to MIL being left high and dry by both of her sons and their wives.

Your son and his wife should be alright. They probably will rely on her family more and maybe they already do.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 15/08/2013 02:59

Seriously?
You're planning to leave your recently widowed MIL on her own because you're fed up of your BIL not helping?

PeriodMath · 15/08/2013 03:40

Poor MIL Sad

I hate reverse AIBUs - is that what this is?

snowqu33n · 15/08/2013 04:04

that's a tough one, you need to give us more info about your MIL's situation. Is she in hospital or at home? Can she express what she wants for her own future care? Your BIL is being unreasonable and if you can't sell your holiday home and can't afford it as well as your UK house at the moment then your plan might be the best one to secure finances for the future for your DS and his kids. You shouldn't sacrifice their future and your current happiness just to satisfy a BIL who isn't stepping up to the plate. Also, which country is the holiday home in? Your DS' family probably like using it during the holidays. Maybe everyone is just reeling at the moment from recent bereavements and could do with some time to work things out.

Madamecastafiore · 15/08/2013 04:10

Sorry but you sound immensely selfish.

You don't work but resent having to care for MIL?

What will you do in your old age when you are widowed or what will your husband do?

I really think the care of the elderly is not just the states job but that of the family too. I could never feel comfortable about just moving away and leaving someone who needed my help.

lonelywife · 15/08/2013 05:14

About 3 months after my in laws moved abroad, MIL's mum and sister both decided that they would need her help and moved around the corner from them! What will your MIL do?

In all honesty, I think my DH's parents moving abroad has had a big impact on him, he misses them a lot and has little family support now. When they moved they had 2 grown up (but not settled down) children with no grandchildren. They now have 2 grandchildren who my MIL gets to see for about 2 weeks a year, they miss out on a lot.

Don't underestimate what you have to sacrifice for a good life in the sun.

luxemburgerli · 15/08/2013 05:27

Well, speaking as someone who has lived in several countries, moving abroad is difficult. We've found that in order to truly settle you need to have moved for the right reasons. That means moving because you specifically want to be in your destination, not just because you want to get away from your old one.

So if it is something you really want to do, then I say go for it. Do you have the possibility to move back if everything doesn't go to plan? Even if you never need this option, it's comforting to have it.

kiwik · 15/08/2013 06:01

Yes, I think you are in this scenario.
It just sounds like you're trying to run away from all the problems your family is currently facing, rather than trying to help them through.

I live away from my family, but my parents were happy for me to go and make a new life with my DH in his home country. You haven't said that you've discussed this with your family and have their blessing to go - your reason for moving seems to be financial, and no longer wanting to shoulder the burden of care for your MIL.

gindrinker · 15/08/2013 06:12

Do it. My PIL live abroad they love it, have a really nice quality of life.
There are loads of cheap flights for us to visit them or for them to come home.

JessieMcJessie · 15/08/2013 06:33

Are you sure that your DH is even open to the idea of moving away from his ill, recently-widowed Mum?

Surely it's really his call? For what it's worth, I was living in a different country from my Mum when she was widowed (for the 2nd time) and later when she became ill. I was extremely fortunate that my brother was near her so she had support, but it was horrible for me not to see her so much. She died in June and the whole experience was worse than it would have been had I been nearer. Appreciate that she is your MIL not your Mum but your DH really needs to think this through.

Leaving your son- again, what are your DH's views about the grandchildren.

It's not compulsory to be an involved grandparent or to care for and have a close relationship with an elderly parent, so you should make this decision based on what is best for your own emotional wellbeing rather than others' views of family duty. I don't regret living abroad, on balance, but it can exacerbate situations tjat are already hard, not provide an escape from them.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 08:03

Sorry fell asleep last night, at the moment mil has carers that visit her three times a day, to help with getting dressed etc.
Mil has just come out of a care home she went in to recover from an operation. She struggles with going to the toilet, washing etc
She has a cleaner
And money for mil isn't really an issue, she can afford to pay for help.

She should improve now she's had her op.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 08:25

Dh wants to go.
Dh is actually ds's step father, so perhaps that makes it a bit easier

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2013 08:26

TBH, i wouldnt want to be married to somebody who would leave his mother alone after being widowed and in hospital recently or someone who would suggest the idea.

Whilst your son is grown up, do you want to miss out on seeing him and your grandchildren? Will you then moan he doesnt bring them out to you every x months?

If money is tight, why are you both not working? You dont sound of retirement age.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 08:34

We don't work due to health reasons
We won't be pestering ds to come and stay because our holiday is a compact two bedroom apartment,with one bathroom, so his family wouldn't fit in, unless they stayed elsewhere like a hotel.
We would have more money if we moved abroad as we would rent out our UK home
So we could visit them sometimes.

OP posts: