to move abroad and leave my grown up family behind?

[wheatfreetoast]

my son is in his 30's married with one child, he had a second child who sadly died and a third on the way.

reasons for wanting to move are, my dh lost his dad recently, and his mother is quite unwell, dh's brother does nothing to help out with with dh's mum, so it all falls on us.

we have a holiday home abroad that tbh we cannot really afford, and renting the house we own here in the uk would give us more money,which would make our lives more comfortable

my ds is an only child

thaks for the support and advice, i think your right, only thing i can really do is not really rush to keep them updated on out lives

perhaps if they email me, i shall simply forward it on to dh, and simply reply, forwarded to dh

your right thye really are no real support to us here, only thing comes in handy if i was to be ill or something, but i shall just have to ask my family for more help
or friends
if needed

and at least we won't need to worry about what happens to them when they are older
it will not be our problem

fils dad was not ill for a long time, only about 6 weeks, but he really suffered in those six weeks.
i suppose i'm shocked and a bit hurt they are going at such a time when theres so much going.
but really at the end of the day its upto them

suppose i'm just wondering how to handle it until they do move.
i just don't really feel like making any effort with them whatsoever

OP, it sounds like it could be a temporary situation as they plan to hold on to the property they have here, so maybe they'll change their minds about making it longterm. I think I'd leave it to your OH to keep in touch.

JessieMcJessie, personally I see it as very sad that my ds has missed out on having involved gps in his life (his paternal gps are his only gps and they're disinterested) and I don't think it's OK not to be an interested grandparent just because you've brought your dc up already. I think that's very selfish. I didn't want or expect any help or support from them, just for my ds to have a relationship with his gps. I don't think that's too much to expect.

How can you know that your MIL really does take the harsh view that she doesn't care whether the other son of the old lady steps up to the plate or not, as long as she doesn't have to.

because they've openy said they a large part of the reason they are going, because in their words, they are getting lumbered with everything with fil mum
and they are pissed off with fil brother
they admit it

It didn't work for me this AIBU. I think the inlaws aren't necesarily being selfish.

God I read this earlier on, and didn't want to comment. Glad I didn't, now! It's my plan/dream to move abroad when my dses are at uni (4 years to go!) - but my eldest is 20 now and may well be starting a family then. Do I stay here until my unborn GC are grown up so i can help out? Or follow my own plans? Do I have to become a GM even if i dont want to, incase I'm called selfish?

I raised my 3 boys (girls might be different, in that boys mums are less involved hands-on than the mums mum usually by DIL wishes) virtually alone - my mum lives 150 miles away and MIL was no help at all. I relied on friends for urgent help, splitting myself in two-situations and babysitting etc.

(The situation with the old lady is hard, no getting round it. I fully expect to have this with my mum, she'll be about 88 by then )

Agree with Dontmind and Captain - and please don't post reverse AIBUs!

They're moving a 2.5 hour flight away. Not a 15 hour drive. The world is a small place. They could be back with you in a morning in an emergency.

I could understand your upset if you'd been used to your PIL being involved on a regular basis and then upping sticks, but it sounds like they haven't been involved much to date, so why would they suddenly be now? The distance/moving abroad thing is a red herring as all of these issues are surmountable.

Distance - could be the same in the UK, easily.

Nowhere to stay - cram in or stay in a hotel. Loads of my friends' parents have downsized after retirement so they stay in hotels if they visit. No big deal and gives everyone a bit of space.

Keeping in touch - email/Skype/sending postcards/sending pics the DC have done. Leave that to your DH though - they're his parents, not yours.

At the end of the day, you can't stop people leading their own lives and it sounds as though your PIL are sick and tired of their caring responsibilities. I don't know how long they have been caring for MIL but being a carer is HARD. Maybe they need a break for their own sanity. It can't help that FIL's brother does nothing - but you can see their thinking - he does nothing, why can't we for a year?

I agree that the timing is unfortunate with the new baby due soon - but again, they can come over for a couple of weeks at a time to help out. It just won't be the same as popping in for an afternoon every week or whatever the deal would be if they were closer. I do think you are unreasonable to be annoyed at the prospect of no free childcare from them - why should they help out? I know it would be nice if they wanted to, but not everyone does and that's their prerogative.

I am so sorry to hear about your second baby and hope all goes well with this pregnancy.

thanks for all your replies, i'm glad i posted this, as i now feel well within my rights to not really bother with them anymore.
bollocks to them

anyway off to nc now

and they have not been caring for long at all, i'm taking weeks.
and tbh they don't really do anything much at allfor her, so i really don't know why they think they do it all.
anyway
fuck it

i'm off now

thanks for the good luck wishes for this baby btw

My DF lives abroad. It was the best thing for him. And it's easier, cheaper and quicker to get to him than my DM who lives in the same country. TBH you sound entitled.

Why are you being so petty? Not responding to emails etc.

MIL/DIL - with 3 boys it's what I have to look forward to.

I hadn't realised that this was a Reverse AIBU. D'oh..

I do think that MIL and FIl have the right to live their own lives. How long does one have to stay put to care for others.

Once you have cared for your children, then you have to care for your parents, then it's the grandchildren. When is the 'me' time in that?

Not everyone has close family ties; even if they all get on well it doesn't mean that they have to see each other daily.

I see my parents maybe once every three weeks or so - we leave in the same town. I see my sister maybe once every two weeks - depends what is going on. my brother a few times a year (if that) . We all live close by.

There is no animosity - but we all have our own lives - and our own friends to spend time with.

Everyone is different however, and if your family is one of the more frequent contact type then I can see how you are finding it hard to understand their wishes.

In my previous post I said that we plan to move away, once the DC are independent adults - hopefully within the next 5 - 10 years . Then me and DH can do what we want, where we want before we get too old and unable to do that.

It isn't selfish. We only get one life - we should make the most of it.

Oh ffs I really wish they'd put a bloody stop to reverse AIBUs!!

OP it is completely natural for you to feel that way, I'm so sorry for your loss an hope that you and DH have a wonderful future together with your family.

Once you have cared for your children, then you have to care for your parents, then it's the grandchildren. When is the 'me' time in that?

^^ this is the most important point in this! OP - at the risk of being upsetting to you - the fact that you are having another DC should in no way be a reason for your PIL not to follow their dreams. Yes they won't see your DCs as much as your parents when your DCs are growing up, but obviously, your PIL don't mind that - I know it's hard to accept but they are adults in their own right, your DCs are your responsibilty and your caring role for them limits your life choices, I don't see why it should also limit your PIL's options.

Your step-grandmother-in-law has another son in the country to look after her if she needs it, and apparently the money to pay for care or a care home (if her needs get too great).

You do seem very upset at their choice, if you accept they might want to live at their holiday home, when would be ok for them to go? Should htey wait for SGMIL to die? How long realistically would that be? Or until your DCs are grown up - so another 20 years? Why is it reasonable to expect your PIL to park their dream for 2 decades just so they can be about to see someone else's DCs grow up? Even if they did do that, would they at that point be still fit enough to do it or would they then be at 'end of life' stages themselves?

It's not even about following dreams. It's about trying not to be broke by the sound of it. They want to live in a cheaper fashion in a hot country where the climate helps their health.

It is too difficult to judge reverse AIBU. They should be banned.

You can't possibly post from the other persons pov in a positive light.

I think you need to dismiss any comments said before you admitted it was reverse. I expect if it was your mil posting in reality she would have made herself much more personable and been able to argue her case possibly.

It's just wrong IMO to start a thread like this.

Agree. AIBUs are annoying and stupid. I particularly hate the, "Yes you guessed it. This is a reverse AIBU. Now I will tell you my side."

*Once you have cared for your children, then you have to care for your parents, then it's the grandchildren. When is the 'me' time in that?
*

Having a relationship with your family doesn't have to mean looking after them or lack of 'me' time, does it? If you have grandchildren abroad, you are probably going to have a very different relationship with them from the one you'd have if you live nearby. If I ever have gc I'd like to have a relationship with them, not a monthly Skype. Moving abroad is a choice which has consequences.

Jan49 - true, but that's for the grandparents to decide, it's not wrong to think that being able to have the life you want is worth having a less involved relationship with your DGC. You might chose a lower quality of life so that you can see your DGC more often, that doesn't mean that choice would be right for everyone.

OP - as others have said, 2.5 hours is not that far away, particulary if they are going to have the money (via renting out their UK base) to stay in hotels/B&Bs when they visit.

Do you feel duty bound to stay in the same town you are in now in order to keep the DCs having a close relationship with grandparents? We live in the SE and only 20 minutes drive from PIL who see DCs at least every other week. However, if DH got offered an amazing job up north or in another country, I don't think we'd turn it down in order to maintain that relationship if in other ways it would be right for us. I wouldn't cut out BIL and SIL if BIL got a job in another European country, I wouldn't mind if PIL moved away and my parents are talking about making their holiday home in France their main base anyway.

The fact you "aren't going to bother with them anymore" seems like you are planning on punishing them for daring to leave. That is selfish - your PIL aren't leaving to hurt you. How entitled are you that you think other people must stay living their lives in a way that best suits you if they want to have any relationship with you and your family.

My mum moved to the other end of the country and then abroad for a bit (is she trying to tell me something?!)

She has her own life, career, interests - I'd be horrified if she had stayed somewhere out of obligation to me/my children.

YANBU.

Oh, it's a reverse one. Doh. YABU.

well when all of my 4 are grown up and sorted, 2 are and 2 to go me and dh will move where we bloody well like.

we have been parents and carers for 25 years + already and it will then be our turn to put ourselves first.

we adore our kids and will obviously adore grand kids but we won't be sticking around to help parent them.

my kids will do a great job at this because they haven't been brought up to be selfish or self centered.

I wouldn't dream of sulking if they wanted to move abroad just as they wouldn't if we did.

Hell yes, when my 4 are grown up I'm off to Vegas baby.

alistron1 Your Mum's a lucky woman. Not many DDs seem to share your view unfortunately.

I think opposing views here are probably based on age / life stage. Has anyone asked what aged MIL wants herself? assisted living / sheltered housing / care home? visited a few with her perhaps? IME although there will be some horrors but there will one MIL will consider moving into. Not easy but some good ones out there. I know if MIL has savings or house to sell then her DC's will not inherit - this has caused enormous problems between good friend and her siblings in their 60's - but it seems inevitable that very few adults in retirement or early retirement now, or in future, can expect a lump sum from the sale of a deceased parents home, unless perhaps they move their frail elderly parents into their own homes with the consequences that brings for them, their parents, relationships and everyone's health and well being.

Don't like reverse AIBU 's. I hope DS and DIL maintain contact - what's point of not answering e mails? Life's too short, 50's and 60's not old these days and we have plans and dreams too - not everyone has "Mum" stamped all the way through them like a stick of Blackpool rock.

Nearlygran1 - thanks - are you my mum?!

It is possible to be a great grandparent from 'afar'. My dad lives a 10 minute drive from me and yet my mum is way more involved in my kids lives.