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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move abroad and leave my grown up family behind?

140 replies

wheatfreetoast · 14/08/2013 23:21

my son is in his 30's married with one child, he had a second child who sadly died and a third on the way.

reasons for wanting to move are, my dh lost his dad recently, and his mother is quite unwell, dh's brother does nothing to help out with with dh's mum, so it all falls on us.

we have a holiday home abroad that tbh we cannot really afford, and renting the house we own here in the uk would give us more money,which would make our lives more comfortable

my ds is an only child

OP posts:
Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 10:48

yes it is our actual plan

we have told ds, dil and mil

they haven't said much other than ok, good luck etc
and that you have to do what you want to do etc

we have found out what we can rent our uk home for etc

its not something we are thinking of doing, it is something we are doing.

health issues are fibromyalgia, so the sun helps.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2013 10:58

Dont see the point of asking the question if you are doing it anyway.

Renting if your income is tight is madness. Changing to a BTL mortgage will increase the payment, landlord checks and instant repairs will be needed for the tennants not to mention agency fees. Unless your mortgage is very low its unlikely you will make enough profit to cover a lifestyle abroad givem neither of you work.

What are your MIL and DS supposed to say given you are leaving them regardless, they probably feel they are better off without you given you seem very self centered.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 15/08/2013 10:59

Then why are bothering asking?

Silverfoxballs · 15/08/2013 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 15/08/2013 11:00

I think people are being a bit hard on you, OP. It sounds as if your life would be better in some ways if you were in your holiday home. Can you have a trial run of six months? Or a year?

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 11:03

we both want to go.

we own both properties, so when we rent out the uk one, that will give us more of an income

OP posts:
Cockadoodlemoo · 15/08/2013 11:06

Sorry, I don't understand...you are going, you have a plan - what are you asking mn for?

Loa · 15/08/2013 11:15

If the decision been made - it's been made.

There is little point asking if your being unreasonable now.

BiddyPop · 15/08/2013 11:21

I can see why you want to go, and understand the reasons. But you need to be very clear with yourselves, firstly, and then the wider family.

Your DS - does he know of your thoughts at all yet? Does he live near you at the moment, and do you see a lot of each other, help out, or just hang out? Or is it all phonecalls and short, less regular visits? If the former, that's a huge change, whereas the latter is far less so. And seperately, if you go abroad and they can't stay with you (why not have short visits if you have a spare room, you can put a sofa bed in living room and all paraphernalia goes into bedroom by day?), are there realistic options for their family to visit frequently - are there hotels or apartments nearby, are they suitable for families, are they cheap?

Your BIL - that's probably a harder nut to crack. At the moment, what does your "care" of MIL involve? Is it physical care, or more keeping her company, or less actual physical bodily care but things like getting shopping in or cooking meals she can reheat easily? Is she capable of staying at home now, and will the support she has continue as needed? If you are not there, what would BIL be likely to do - will he visit, will he organise practical things like shopping, will he watch over medical issues, will he pay for any aditional help needed? Do you all live in reasonably close proximity, or does he live more distant to MIL than you and DH? If you sit down and talk to BIL in terms of staying there, would he be amenable to you continuing to do a certain amount of practical things as you have the time, but contributing financially towards things that will make that job easier (like arranging an internet shop to be delivered while you are there - so you can keep MIL company while doing a batch cooking for her freezer using ingredients BIL has bought; or arranging for a taxi service account for her so that she can go out to get her hair done or could join a suitable club or group she might be interested in or whatever and maintain some independence by not needing a chauffeur i.e. you and your DH)?

TBH, while not feeling as harsh about it as some other posters, the reasoning you have put down here sounds selfish. Understandable in terms of finances, but with a thread of selfishness running through it.

I think you need to be very clear between you and DH about it all, and definitely let others know well in advance of actual moves.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2013 11:22

So what is the point of this thread?

Did you just want to hear that the majority wouldn't do what you're doing?

And to be honest, what could your DS and MiL actually say when presented with a fait accompli?

You're not coming across well, but I doubt you're bothered.

Your poor MiL.

Katydid02 · 15/08/2013 11:25

I personally wouldn't do it; somebody who I used to be close to lives overseas. Now they can't afford to travel and neither can I with the result that we haven't seen each other for 5 years and the previously close relationship we had is now non-existent. They phone up but we don't have anything to say to each other.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/08/2013 11:28

I think you should go. And leave your various family who you don't appear to give a shit about to get on with their lives!

What will happen when you are old and needing help? Will you suddenly move back to the UK and expect support from the state and your family?

And I think it makes it worse that your DH is your DS's step-dad. From his point of view, his Mum is too wrapped up in her new husband to care about her son.

WandaDoff · 15/08/2013 11:30

YABU. Totally.

Fakebook · 15/08/2013 11:31

You're leaving because you get lumbered with all the care for mil after her dh has died? Confused and your ds lost a baby 18m ago? I find this all really strange. It's like you're trying to justify to yourself that what you're doing is right, when deep down I bet you do feel guilty and know its really selfish.

Good luck with your new life.

dreamingbohemian · 15/08/2013 11:37

So you have to leave to get away from the crushing burden of caring for your MIL... but you're not too worried because now that she's had her op she'll be getting better? So won't that mean you won't have to do so much?

You do know that now if you or your DH has serious health problems you will be on your own. Your family will feel no real obligation to help you. What if you are both ill? Will you be able to get carers in your new country? Do you speak the language well enough?

mrsjay · 15/08/2013 12:04

why is a Daughter in law getting such a harsh time when the men in her life is getting away with not looking after her mother it is her husbands mother and her brother in laws mother a lot of you see it as her role to look after the MIL, I think the OP is just fed up in pain and needs to look after herself for a change. would you all expect your dils to look after you when you are older or stick around to look after you what if your sons and daughters moved away for a better life would that not be ok ?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/08/2013 12:13

As long as you feel sacrificing your future relationship with your grandchildren is worth it then fine, go for it.

My mum and dad moved to Spain 13 years ago now before they had any GC. Then my sister had 2 boys and I had 1 boy.....they dont really have a relationship with my parents (mum sadly died now) and although my DS adores my dad he only sees him once a year. I know my mum felt very sad about being so far from her GC and she did come back to the UK for the last few months of her life but too late really.

I would usually say go for it but you sound like you are going just for selfish reasons. What if your BIL doesn't step up to the plate...are you willing to just let her fester and see her three carers a day. Of course you would be able to do more for her if neither of you work and your BIL does.

Where are you moving to?? If you and your DH both have health problems now you do realise don't you that if you are going somewhere like Spain the health/care system is rubbish compared to ours. Who will look after you?? I reckon if you make this move you are just cutting off your nose to spite your face and it will have massive repercussions in the future.

Hissy · 15/08/2013 13:04

How long after the death of a child is one supposed to just stfu and get on with it?

:(

I wonder if your DS has already sussed out that he has FA emotional support from you?

expatinscotland · 15/08/2013 13:15

Sure, go, YABU because you're both very selfish, self-absorbed people and I think the MIL and your son and his family will be well shot of you both. If you were my mother I'd tell you not to let the door hit you on the way out.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/08/2013 13:21

I think you should go. It sounds like you've supported everyone else for so long and now it's your turn to have some fun. As a PP said, if your son got a job abroad, I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to go, so why should you sacrifice your happiness? Any extra financial benefits are the icing on the cake.

I come at this from the point of view of the adult DD, whose mum and DSDad spend most of their time abroad. Before this, my DM spent 15 years looking after my DGDad on and off - daily visits, cleaning, cooking etc, as well as working. She retired, DGDad sadly passed and now it's her turn to enjoy life. Good luck to her I say. It actually made it easier when my DH was offered a job abroad for him to take it as them being away already meant that we didn't feel guilty at leaving them behind. We Skype and talk on the 'phone etc - and even in the UK we were living 5 hours apart so 'abroad' doesn't necessarily mean further away in terms of time.

Also, you've said you're planning on doing this for a year initially - so it wouldn't have to be forever. I hope you get there.

Ps - we also rent out a UK property at present, you don't have to move to a buy to let mortgage as someone said up thread - you can get a 'consent to let' document from most banks, which gives permission to rent on the current mortgage. Yes, you'll need a bit put by for void periods and repairs, gas safety checks, agency fees and so on but it's not prohibitive.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/08/2013 13:23

I'd just like to add - What's wrong with being selfish once in a while??? Most people are - why is the OP's happiness less important than anyone else's?

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 13:23

I hope things go well for your son and his wife on the birth of their third child. It will be really hard for them. Do they have any supportive family elsewhere?

expatinscotland · 15/08/2013 13:26

Yeah, what's wrong with it when you know your own son, your only child, won't be able to visit unless they stay in a hotel, heaven forbid you offer them space in your holiday home abroad? Nothing, really, I'm sure he has the measure of it all anyway.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 13:27

Deary me

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/08/2013 13:29

Of course we are all selfish every so often but when you are selfish to the detriment of other people...including your own children.......it's pretty piss poor to be honest.

Of course, let's hope the OP isn't writing another AIBU in the future.....AIBU to expect my son and his wife to care for me as I am in poor health - coz I think we all know what the answer would be to that one.

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