to move abroad and leave my grown up family behind?

[wheatfreetoast]

my son is in his 30's married with one child, he had a second child who sadly died and a third on the way.

reasons for wanting to move are, my dh lost his dad recently, and his mother is quite unwell, dh's brother does nothing to help out with with dh's mum, so it all falls on us.

we have a holiday home abroad that tbh we cannot really afford, and renting the house we own here in the uk would give us more money,which would make our lives more comfortable

my ds is an only child

dontmindifido exactly and very well put!

Grandparents are not there solely to help you with your dc, OP. They might want to, they might not. It's not your choice, and if they want a different life to one serving your needs, then that is their choice. You sound like the DIL from hell.

Hopefully this is because of pregnancy hormones and you are not really so entitled usually.

really amazed how entitled some GROWN up children are!!

I wouldn't dream of pressuring my kids to stay in the UK if they wanted to emigrate. I would support their decisions.

I wouldn't stay in the UK to help parent any grandchildren either. my kids will manage wonderfully.

good grief op these are your children. your responsibility not your inlaws or parents.

sinister, that's a horrible attitude.

these parents have already brought up their son.

so you think just because they want to move abroad and have a life themselves then when they get old or need help their son and dil should effectively tell them to piss off because they didn't help enough with the grandchildren??

I have PIL abroad, well just FIL now. You get used to the lack of support and it does sound like yours are planning to make an effort to keep in touch which is something.

The key to this is they are planning to keep their house in the UK. This is a very good thing and not to be underestimated how important it will be in the future if their health gets worse.

Accept what it is, get on with living your life and build up a good circle of friends who will be there for you. Don't expect you won't need to do anything in the future if they've gone, it doesn't work that way though you start off thinking it will.

Totally understand how you feel but start to ditch any bitterness you have now. I know it's easier said than done but you will benefit in the long run if you do.

Hmm. Well, my parents live abroad, and have done through the birth of both my dc and the illnesses and deaths of both my mum's parents (no siblings to help). The situation is a bit different as they haven't lived in the uk for many years and my mum did very much feel responsible for her parents, but not to the point where she moved back to the uk for a prolonged period of time.

She came to help for 3 weeks when my second dc was born, but other than that we have had no hands on help. The dc have a good relationship with them with Skype etc but always have a bit of a settling down period when we see them. They plan to retire to a different country too, albeit a slightly closer one.

I do sometimes feel envious of my friends who have parents to fall back on, but it's their life and I don't begrudge them it. If your PIL aren't doing that much for the elderly MIL anyway it doesn't sound like either of you will miss their practical help much, and emotional support can easily be provided over Skype. If they're emotionally detached now, that's probably not going to change! Let them go without hard feelings, they're just living their life as they want to and 2.5hr is nothing on a plane.

My parents moved to New Zealand when I was 22 and my sister 25, my 12 year old bother went with then of course.

For te most part I'm fine with it, it was the best thing for them. But as the years have gone by there have been times wen the distance has been very difficult, on both sides.

For example:

My dads mum passed away and they coul only afford for my dad to come over for the funeral, not all three ad my mum and brother were very upset. She had been u well for a long time and they found it hard being so far away and unable to help care for her.

My mum was quite ill and we could not afford to go over to see her.

When I had my son, their first grandchild, my mum found it very hard being so far away and realising shed only be seeing her grandchild once a year and on Skype. Now I'm having my secod and this time she's saved up so she can be here for the birth which I am really thrilled about.

I had a motorcycle accident and my parents wanted to rush to my side but of course couldn't.

I worry about what will happen if one or both of them pass away, as I don't know how I will afford to go over there.

When they get old, me and my sister will be unable to care for them, it will all fall to my brother.

Ultimately, my brother will end up on the other side of the world to his two sisters, with no family there.

Just make sure you've considered all these things before you go and make sure you have discussed these things with your son.

Alistron1 - I have only DS's so I don't think am your Mum. But would be delighted if I had a DC who'd see beyond the Mum thing. Sure your DM very proud and thinks the same as I do that she has resourceful, well rounded and independent DD - it's what we've always aimed for here for DS's.

OP - we can choose friends but not our relatives. Wishing you and your DC well. Rejoice! If house abroad too cramped to stay for you all a nearby B and B or hotel is perfect solution after a short flight. Decided years ago I wouldn't do Xmas/ visits/ special anniversaries on futons or sofa beds , living out of suitcases etc. IMO that's what Premier Inns and Ibis Hotels are for.

There is no way that you can u dear stand all their motivations and reasonings because, to be blunt, you're not them.

YABU because you've posted from your skewed perception. And it isn't a fair representation.

You and your husband are adults making adult decisions so shouldn't be expecting support from your parents. It's nice if you can get it but never expect.

I hate reverses OP your inlaws do not need to be at the beck and call of grandchildren I am really sorry but these people can do what they like your all adults

I don't see how it's fair to put any obligation on the ILs to care for the mother/mother in law.

I wouldn't expect my daughter to miss out on a life experience or doing what she wants to do just because of me.

I was just thinking how nice it was to see a thread on MN with so much positive support and kind words about a Mother-in-Law.
As opposed to the hundreds of threads full of insults and nastiness and complaints that happen on a regular basis from DILs grudging almost every forced contact.

No-one is saying they have to be at the 'beck and call' of grandchildren.

But the OP lost a baby (their DGC) and is due to have another one.

As a granny, I can't understand not wanting to be around at that time.
And I do feel sorry for abandoned old people. I do think there is an obligation to care for them. I think family matters.

If they want to go, then go. But it's not like they're even thinking of putting anything in place to sort out her care. They're just hoping that the other son might step up and sort it out.

My Mum moved abroad when I was in my late 20s and before my DC. I will own up to occasionally finding it annoying/heartless/inconvienient but thats when I am being selfish.

I accept that much as I might have preferred her to stay in the UK she had every right to follow her dreams.

I find it very schmaltzy all this how could you not want to care for your MIL or be on hand for your GC. Having spent around two decades looking after DC and putting them first any parent is entitled to do as they please.

I dont like reverse AIBUs and I think your attitude is utterly vile OP