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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move abroad and leave my grown up family behind?

140 replies

wheatfreetoast · 14/08/2013 23:21

my son is in his 30's married with one child, he had a second child who sadly died and a third on the way.

reasons for wanting to move are, my dh lost his dad recently, and his mother is quite unwell, dh's brother does nothing to help out with with dh's mum, so it all falls on us.

we have a holiday home abroad that tbh we cannot really afford, and renting the house we own here in the uk would give us more money,which would make our lives more comfortable

my ds is an only child

OP posts:
Yonihadtoask · 15/08/2013 08:37

YANBU for wanting to go and live elsewhere.

However I am not sure your reasons for going are valid. It sounds like you want to go, so that BIl will step up and care for MIL, which he won't if you are still available?

I plan to move abroad within the next 10 years or so, once the DC are independent adults. I hold no truck with staying put just because of family ties. Obviously everyone has their own views on this. My DPs had long expressed interest in moving away, but think they will upset us, the DC if they do. I wish they would go - we could get cheap holidays!

I say have a good think about your reasons to go. Are you sure MIL would be okay with the carers? Any other family apart from BIL?

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 09:19

surely bil will have to step up to the plate when we are not here.

OP posts:
magimedi · 15/08/2013 09:39

People who move abroad & succeed & enjoy it are nearly always the ones who are moving because their main reason is a desire to live in that particular country.

Those who move to escape problems and/or make money don't seem to have such a good time.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 09:49

well we would have a back up option to return, because we won't be selling our uk house.
just renting it out
so we could return if we wanted to

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 15/08/2013 09:51

Your DH lost his Dad recently. Putting aside any "duty" he may have to his Mum (which is an entirely subjective issue and not something we strangers can comment on), does he not derive any comfort from spending time with his Mum, letting them grieve for your FIL together?

Also, it is advised not to make any major decisions soon after the death of a close family member. Perhaps he says he wants to go but isn't really thinking straight?

You say that neither of you work due to ill health- do you have adequate arrangements in place for your own healthcare in the place you plan to go?

springytoofs · 15/08/2013 09:53

I'm not sure I get this: just at the point your MIL needs you the most, you're off. And it seems the main reason you're off is to spite your BIL and get him to look after his mother. Erm, really?

No amount of money or carers make up for the people you love, family. I'm amazed you're considering leaving her when she is at her most vulnerable.

And your son won't even be able to stay when he and his family come to visit.

something's wrong here.

Ragwort · 15/08/2013 09:53

It's still not clear if you want to go abroad to enjoy the different culture/weather/whatever or you are using it as an 'escape route' from the problems with your MIL/BIL.

You need to think clearly about your reasons for moving.

Could you go for a six month initial trial?

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 09:56

no his father was quite ill before he died, so awful as it sounds he was hoping his dad would be realised from suffering sooner rather than later,so it was a relief in a way
I know that sounds bad.

he is not the talking type
he won't grieve with his mum, if she gets upset or anything he will say stuff like come on, don't upset yourself
so I don't think they will be grieving together

yes i'm not concerned about our health issues

OP posts:
frogspoon · 15/08/2013 09:58

Let me get this straight. You want to move abroad, leaving your recently bereaved son whose wife is expecting, and your recently bereaved and elderly MIL.

THe only reason you have given for wanting to move abroad is to make your BIL take greater responsibility in looking after your MIL. Which won't actually work by the way. If he doesn't want to help out, he won't, and when you move away your MIL will be left alone.

Either this is a reverse AIBU or you are not very nice people.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 10:00

I will openly admit, it is largely due to the fact we get lumbered with everything for mil
bil does nothing

it will be for 1 year, with a view to go for good

it is also for financial reasons
we will be better off there with the rental income

oh and its only a 2 and half hour fight away, not Australia

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 15/08/2013 10:03

Do you actually want to move away? That's what it boils down to.

Original poster
wheatfreetoast · 15/08/2013 10:05

my son, lost his second child 18 months ago now.

yes I do want to go.

even if bil doesn't step up, we won't be there to pick up the pieces, as we simply won't be able to

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 15/08/2013 10:08

If your children want to move abroad for work or a new life they would do so and be apart from you.
The same applies to you.
Good luck!

SalaciousBCrumb · 15/08/2013 10:13

You don't sound quite human with your attitude that your son lost his child 18 months ago now so should be fine - when his wife is expecting is bound to stir up emotions (doesn't it with you?).

You do need to be realistic that you cannot expect BIL who has done nothing to date to start doing more just because you're not there, so as long as you're happy with that choice then good luck to you.

One thing - if you don't work due to health reasons, will you be ok for health care wherever it is you're going? Have you looked into this?

GrumpyKat · 15/08/2013 10:15

I intend to move a 12 hour flight away once my only child is grown up with a life of her own. I have very poor health and the long British winters are slowly destroying me. Tbh if I could go now I would, but financially it's not viable. If my daughter wants to move across the world I would be thrilled, if not then there is Skype.
Do what is right for you.

feckawwf · 15/08/2013 10:24

I speak as someone who has NO family or in laws alive or willingly in our lives(dh's father is alive but has nothing to do with us) For that reason, knowing that we've had no one there for us when times are tough, say for e.g dh or I have been in hospital and we've literally had no one to look after the children so we could visit one another, or to celebrate the good times, our children's firsts etc. I know that when I am older and my children have left home I could still never leave them alone to move abroad. It would break my heart to think of my children struggling the way we have, your children always need you no matter how old they are.
Also don't forget the Mil needs you, it's not her fault no one else helps with her!

Cockadoodlemoo · 15/08/2013 10:24

Some people are cold and heartless. Maybe your bil is but your leaving won't change that. What you are proposing and the way you are coming across definately is, but you sound as if you've made your mind up so just go for it.

Poor mil. Sad

Loa · 15/08/2013 10:25

It sounds like an escape plan cause your not coping with IL situation - could you not just set boundaries better?

My parents got left with all the support/demand from my GP along with their ill health and work and us their DC demands. In end they had to take days out where they were unavailable just to survive and get what they needed done.

You won't know how you DS will take it till you talk to him - he may be fine. If he does disapprove or is upset will that deter you? Could you defer going till after his next DC is born safely - just in case they need support?

I'd suggest you need to start looking at the practicalities - if you have ongoing illnesses access to medical care in new country. Have you tried see abroad property or are you just assuming it won't sell? Have you done any research on renting out your current house - if your abroad you'll have to pay for UK property to be managed and that can cost.

Basically is this a actual plan your serious about or a pipe dream to avoid dealing with a difficult situation?

ExcuseTypos · 15/08/2013 10:28

Well if you want to go then go.

However you are leaving behind a MIL who will have no relatives to help her and a son who will be going through a very emotional time at the moment. I'm afraid you do come across as not very caring and other people will think that of you, including your son. If you don't care about what others think, then just go for it.

Ragwort · 15/08/2013 10:29

What if (hypothetically) your husband didn't have a brother - would he willingly help his mother in that situation?

You need to acknowledge the fact that you don't want to care for your own MIL regardless of the fact of what your BIL does or doesn't do.

For various reasons I look after my elderly parents a lot more than my siblings do - I don't waste time worrying about it, I have to live with my conscience, they can worry about their own Grin.

Does your husband want to move or is it you projecting your feelings of being 'used' by BIL that is pushing you both into this move?

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2013 10:32

Well, from what you've said, your DH isn't especially bothered about your DS.
Your own health issues (perhaps justifiably) are coming before your care for your MiL and your concerns for your DS and grandchildren.

Do your DS and MiL know how you feel? I assume your MiL will feel abandoned. How about your DS and DiL?

On the sheer face of what you have written here you are coming across as cold and unfeeling and I could never even contemplate it.

But you'll do what you want to do.

Crinkle77 · 15/08/2013 10:35

I feel sorry for the MIL if both sons are going to abandon her. Without meaning to sound callous can't it wait until she passes on then you can go away without feeling guilty and you can be reassured that you did everything you could for her.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/08/2013 10:40

On the one hand you have every right ot move away if it makes more sense financially, and you will enjoy it. On the other hand, please don't be surprised when when you are older and are put into exactly the same position as your mother in law; having no family willing to help you. Them's the breaks.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 15/08/2013 10:42

It's not your responsibility to look after your MIL. It is your DH's and BIL. They are both being selfish, cold and cruel.

I think it's fine to leave adult children. My parents have lived in different countries to me (expats) since I left home at 18 and I am close to both of them.

We moved countries (several times) in my childhood and I missed my grandparents a lot. Its not that important though.

Loa · 15/08/2013 10:45

I think the OP wants to go now to get away from the demands of the MIL.

I'm not sure if that because the MIL is very demanding or difficult or unpleasant to OP - as she doesn't mention MIL very much - or just resentment that BIL doesn't do more and expects them to do which is mentioned several times.