to wonder why we were not invited?

[cantsleep]

To dh birthday meal/party?

MIL arranged a meal/cake/party at a local pub for dh. She went to a lot of trouble apparently making sure dh nieces and nephews were invited but somehow forgot to invite me or dcs despite the fact we talk regularly and I had only told her the day before what cake dcs had chosen for dh?

As far as I know I have not offended her so am surprised I was not told about it.

Dh didn't go and as a result MIL is not speaking to him.

Wow!!! I have evil ILs but I am sat here utterly aghast at your MILs actions and what she has said.

I am not defending her (I have been on the rough end of my ILs for too many years to defend any DIL on the receiving end) but her sudden and extreme deterioration in her dislike for you is a concern. I can only think she must be depressed or mentally unwell.

Why after all these years has she suddenly got to the point she cannot bite her tongue and not only had to lash out at you but do the party things leaving you out.

I mean seriously what a nutjob. What did she think was going to happen at the party/meal??? Did she just hope no one would mention your absence?? How on earth did she think it would all go swimmingly and she would get her son to herself for the day???

Actually - I think I may have just sussed part of it. The venom she spouted at you tonight is because the birthday plan backfired and she knows she looks like a total tit to everyone now. She probably has always resented you because she is the possessive type so hatched the birthday party/meal plan. That went tits up because her own son (not anyone else) but her own son, questioned your absence and then "ruined" (in her opinion) her nice little plan infront of everyone. Of course all this hoo haar and humiliation is your fault (not hers) because she only did this because she was so desperate to spend quality time with her son without you there. She is probably smarting good and proper at what happend at the party.

The only good thing of this now is you know where you stand. She will find it very hard to back peddle out of this. The cards are on the table - its how you choose to deal with her/this situation now that matters.

I know I feel resentment towards my ILs (they have pulled a few shitty stunts over the years) but also appreciate that at the same time they are DHs (now ageing) parents. I have never stopped him from visiting, spending time etc but until very recently I did say they had ruined enough special days and that the DC birthdays and Xmases would be here without them - DH takes the kids to see them inbetween Xmas and New Year, just after their birthday etc (they live 3 hours away). DH visits his parents alone whenever he wants - usually when passing their part of the country with work. I would never say to DH you cant go this weekend if he said he wanted to go with the kids - except he doesnt because he hates the snippy remarks about me.
I dont do this to spite them. I do this because it mean we as a family (the 4 of us) enjoy the special day with no drama,attention seeking and upset. My DD was 5 before we had an Xmas day with no adult tears in our house thanks to mt PILs.

This is one of the saddest AIBUs I've ever read. Most sad because you questioned whether you might have been U... When clearly this horrible, horrible excuse for a mother has vindictively plotted against you.

I'm so sorry that you've had this awful shock, particularly when you thought you got on ok (texts, conversations etc). I consider myself lucky every day to have good pil (as does dh, or so he tells me) and I think it must be an awful position you're put in when you end up with a horrible woman like this.

I think you're admirable in keeping your head held high and not engaging at her level and I think DH sounds great in his response. No wonder he's quiet when he's reevaluating one of the key relationships in his life. What a good man that he instantly left. He clearly knows that you and your dcs are the most important thing.

Don't make any final decisions about what you're going to do about her, it's time wasted spent on her. Instead invest it in your lovely family unit. She's not worth spending more time thinking about.... and she's not worth 302 posts.... You on the other hand, worth every one! Sending you hugs x

You and your DH need to protect yourselves from all this. Not easy, but really, how can you have thought she was ever friendly after her repeated opinion that you are not 'good enough ' ?

Your DH and his sister have been under her thumb a d by the sounds of it SIL still is. I would be HORRIFIED if my mother interfered over a spa day and forced my brother to pay for my child. I simply would 't allow anything so unreasonable and rude to be done on my behalf.

So I would be very wary of walking into a social situation with SIL. She must have known what was going on, or be so in denial over her mother's destructiveness that she just cannot be trusted.

Look out for yourselves. There is a fine line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and letting them walk all over you.

I agree with the poster who said expect up oming dramas designed to attract your DH's attention. She'll use the SIL to get these tales to you, too.

OP - apologies if i've got this wrong but are you the same poster whose mum was 'helping them out' by buying things but ripping you off at the same time? If so you must feel crushed from both sides of the family. I hope you have other people in your life you can turn to? What a shit time you all have been having. Do you think MIL has timed this on purpose, thinking you wont have the energy to fight her?

How horrid for you both. How lovely that your DH supports and defends you and was strong enought to walk out. What a nasty situation.

OP are you saying she didnt mention there was a party at all, so you didnt even know it was taking place? Just trying to make sense of this...

Mistress, you understand correctly. AND SIL knew, and BIL. Plus others, but we don't know if they knew OP was persona non grata.

:(

We don't know for sure that the BIL and SIL knew. But I expect they will show their colours either way in the fall out. For the sake of cantspell's poor DH I hope they were not involved - would be too horrible to lose all at once.

Your poor poor DH - and what a lovely man he is. You are very lucky there at least.

Well done for behaving so very admirably and good luck for your appointment next week

Ah sorry Hissy just re-read your post - yes they knew about the party. They may not though have been complicit.

Sorry!

Sorry I mean cantsleep not cantspell... . Sorry, insomnia.

Funny how the subject wasn't discussed though.. in the conversations immediately before the party.

I think they knew full well that cantsleep wasn't on the list..

Their silence speaks volumes.

If i'd been unwittingly dragged into that, i'd be mortified and would be straight on the phone to the injured party (op)

It's an awful thing to think/realise, and I hope it's not true, but the longer it goes without contact/support from the other party guests the worse it looks.

:(

Your MIL is vile. I wouldn't be letting my DCs anywhere near her after this.

This is such a sad read :(

Well done your DH for standing up to this vile woman.

I take my hat off to you op, you have been calm and dignified during this whole mess.

i would have hit the roof

for you

Oh my, I cannot believe that she would firstly do this, and secondly tell you such vile things.

I never knew so many evil MILs existed before I joined MN and I count my blessings every day that I get on so well with DP's parents. It has made me wonder though whether the issues I've had with my dad and stepmum were caused by my nan (stepmum's MIL) - I can very much imagine her being a vile MIL!

Much respect for your husband though to standing up to his mum and walking out when realising you and your children were not included.

Oh in think h is a major drip

Well, I am astounded at the vindictive nature of your MIL. I would just never see her or let her see the DC again. Her loss.

I am curious to know why you are waiting to see your SIL next week. I would contact her now and ask about it. She was there. She would have more info than your DH is offering to you. With everything you know, you then can have a clear idea of what you want to do.

and she is batshit crazy

Threadlike this make me glad mil is a recluse and doesn't trust phones! Means no communication from her!

Cantsleep you have been so collected with this, support your dh through this horrible time, speak to yourSIL and get her take. Perhaps they didn't know you weren't invited or mil said you had declined the invitation

I agree hissy their silence is very telling, normally there would be talk of the party, etc and how great it be to surprise dh, but silence. I would not have anything to do with any of them and their toxic ways. Of course it's up to your dh if he wants a relationship with them, you know where you stand and you can now make decisions from there.

Totally agree iam normal.mental health is not an excuse for vile, nasty toxic behaviour

''If i'd been unwittingly dragged into that, i'd be mortified and would be straight on the phone to the injured party (op)''

I was thinking this too. If i was OP i would be waiting for a call from someone to say ''God, sorry, we didn't realise what MIL had done''. (ie left you out.)

cantsleep - you are doing the right thing by rising above this. Absolutely. The woman is obviously ill. The woman isn't going to change.

Love and hug your DH. Draw strength from each other. Don't let her do any more damage.

Leave the ball firmly in the whole families court to sort out.

Draw a line under your relationship with MIL.

Wait and see with the others. Leave it to them to come to you, but don't wait for it. There's no need for you or DH to 'do' anything IMO. Just take a deep breath and decide ''that's it. the end. MIL has basically taken enough rope to hang herself'' as they say. She's not your problem any more.

(hug)

It whilst you were confiding to,that woman your worry and anxiety over your illness, she hated you and wished you dead . What an unbelievably cruel and wicked woman to treat anyone like that!

Yes I'mnormalish, she made herself look like a tit and humiliated herself so is lashing out blaming you and dh. Your well out of it, do nothing enjoy family together. If dh wants a relationship with her and them it's up to him, you and dc don't need to do anything

If the rest of the inlaws has any decency, they'd have been in touch by now telling you they'd been lied to/whatever reason for being involved.

you poor thing.

yes, i think she is overreacting because she was shown up in front of all her friends and family. she is embarrassed and ashamed that she couldn't force your dh to do her bidding.

i don't think you need to do anything except wait for an apology. looks like christmas is going to be a quiet one this year!!

Yes, it was me that recently had issues over money with my own dm luckily though my sister actually told me what was going on. It has not been the best few months in all honesty and this lateast problem with mil has really made me stop and think.

I do think that sil must have known and is now keeping her head down and not contacting me, surely if it had all been down to just mil sil would have said something or made it clear she hadnt been involved?

I think it all boils down to the fact that mil has always felt that I took her ds away from her. The niggly little comments over the years about me not being good enough/dh lovely exes/dh not being treated right etc etc etc and the way she behaved on our wedding day (got completely drunk and was less than pleasant, lots of remarks about how I had taken her 'baby' and that dh thought he was better than everybody else now as had married someone from x area) then we had issues with ds1 christening, planned a lovely day invited all of dh family, they all accepted so we ordered food etc and hired a hall (this was 7 years ago) for afterwards, they turned up, none of them ate a thing and after half an hour all left and went to the pub without telling anybody. Similar issue with ds2 christening, they accepted invitations and on the day half of them said they couldnt make it, only mil, her partner, her mother and sil 2 dcs came and they then refused to come back afterwards to our house so we were left again with a lot of food and nobody to eat it!
I always got the feeling she caused issues with just the ds's christenings as for years she had been desperate for a grandson and sil/bil had up untill then only had daughters (bil not has a stepson) but when i was pg at same time as sil and bil wife mil was always saying she wanted her dd to have the first grandson not me!

I never argued with her over any of this, just put it down to her being a bit strange. I have spent most of the night going over all these 'incidents' and I think there has always been a problem, she just simply does not like me. I imagine though that no woman would be good enough for her ds. She is always saying how he is "too nice" and will "do anything for anybody" and how close she always was with him.

Any update from DH now that he has calmed down, OP?