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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why we were not invited?

471 replies

cantsleep · 14/08/2013 19:52

To dh birthday meal/party?

MIL arranged a meal/cake/party at a local pub for dh. She went to a lot of trouble apparently making sure dh nieces and nephews were invited but somehow forgot to invite me or dcs despite the fact we talk regularly and I had only told her the day before what cake dcs had chosen for dh?

As far as I know I have not offended her so am surprised I was not told about it.

Dh didn't go and as a result MIL is not speaking to him.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 14/08/2013 22:23

I am Shock, cantspeak, what a nasty,vile and toxic woman she is, mental health issues are no an excuse for this despicable behaviour. I would have nothing to do with her or the family anymore and would be quite happy if dc never see her again if I were you, she thinks so low of them!. Now you know, best cut her dead in your life. I woud not prevent dh from seeing his mum, yo and the dc no way

pigletmania · 14/08/2013 22:24

If the older ones ask why you tell them the truth. She has disrespected you and your/dh children

Original poster
cantsleep · 14/08/2013 22:25

The bf comment is just typical of mil and usually the sort of thing I've had to ignore over the years.

OP posts:
ChippingInHopHopHop · 14/08/2013 22:26

I'm sorry. It's horrible :(

What does your DH plan to do or say?

He does realise that this cannot just be glossed over doesn't he?

TiggyD · 14/08/2013 22:27

What an absolute fucking bitch.

And you're right, your poor old dp. You can choose your life-partner but you're stuck with your mum.

justmyview · 14/08/2013 22:28

How awful for you and for DH, in different ways. Miserable for you to know how MIL feels about you. Your DH sounds like he's really caught in the middle. He knows she was wrong, but most of us have loyalty to our parents, however unreasonable / difficult they may be. My Mum can be quite difficult sometimes, but I still hate to hear other people criticise her.

Maybe best to keep your distance from his mother, whilst respecting that he may wish to maintain a relationship with her

ChippingInHopHopHop · 14/08/2013 22:28

I'd say a very large hole under the patio would be a good start.

Seriously - you cannot 'get over' this. She wished you dead. She has told you, in no uncertain terms that she hates you.

Hissy · 14/08/2013 22:28

cantsleep you don't need to do anything.

This was none of your doing, none of your lovely H's doing, and all of it was of your MIL's etc choosing.

As i've been told with my lot: "take the hint!" you may not be valued by her, but it's hwr loss, and more fool all those who go along with her. Decent people don't do that.

Keep your family close, screen calls and carry on with your heads held high. Without them.

Toxic Parents/toxic Inlaws - 2 books that may help in time.

bootsycollins · 14/08/2013 22:30

What a cunt! Ahh well your the winner, you have a lovely husband who fights your corner and your lovely kids. At least you know exactly what your dealing with here, there's no going back, damage done. This woman doesn't love you and your family, she doesn't want the best for you, take your exit cue, she's a toxic bitch.

magentastardust · 14/08/2013 22:31

She has to be told -you have been together 14 years -enough is enough she either accepts that you are her precious son's wife and family and are an extremely important part of his life and are who he wants to be with and move on or if she continues this behaviour she won't be welcome to be part of your life anymore.

Some things you can rise above and ignore but this isn't right and she shouldn't be humoured at all.

Really feel for your DH and it was great that the stood up for you and left when he realised you weren't invited. However I think that it does have to go a step further , I don't think he can continue a relationship with his mother whilst she is being so disrespectful to you and your children. She wants him to herself -she needs to realise that he is a grown up married man and comes as part of a family.

magentastardust · 14/08/2013 22:32

Oh and best of luck with your consultants app -hope you get good news.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/08/2013 22:32

Ah yes, sorry for the confusion country and "cantsleep* - it's been a fast moving thread and a few PPs had name checked you country, hence my confusion Confused
Thinking of you and your DP cantsleep

PenguinBear · 14/08/2013 22:32

She sounds dreadful, you are well shot of her. I'd simply ignore all communication she tries to make and keep your
Dc well away, her behaviour sounds vile.

iloveny001 · 14/08/2013 22:33

Have delurked to say that I have am so shocked at MILs behaviour. What have the rest of his siblings said about the situation? Would be interesting to see their take on it. Hope you and your DH are OK x

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 14/08/2013 22:33

I th

justmyview · 14/08/2013 22:34

I don't agree that OP's DH can't maintain a relationship with his mother, if only because OP would be blamed for that tie being severed. Better for OP to maintain the moral high ground by not being the one who says to DH "You have to choose, it's her or me."

If she says "My relationship with her is difficult but it's OK by me if you wish to see your mother" then her DH can make his own choices

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 14/08/2013 22:35

I think I hate your mil, she sounds utterly vile.

Very best of luck with the appointment next week, if it was me I would never speak to the bitch again. You sound like a lovely person and so does your dh.

MrsKoala · 14/08/2013 22:35

For me i was raging at first but knew fighting fire with fire wouldn't work - i also didn't want to upset DH anymore than he was. It was important for me to decide how to respond, so i took my time, processed it and decided to do nothing. I didn't stop DH going to visit, but i rarely mentioned them. MIL thought she had won. But of course DH visited less and as our family made its own life she realised she had lost him. She then tried silly things to get attention, and I let her burn herself out, ranting crying etc. and said nothing. It just made her look more and more foolish.

2 Years later they were begging me back. Which will probably happen to you. Then, you can decide just how generous you want to be.

My advice, if any, would be just try to heal DH and yourself atm - you will be in shock for a bit and your hearts will be broken for a while.

Focus on your health and block this toxicity out.

Original poster
cantsleep · 14/08/2013 22:39

I have not spoken to sil/bil but am meant to be seeing sil next week so I will see what happens then. Could be interesting.

I don't think dh wants to ever see mil again but I will give him time and let him make his own decision.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/08/2013 22:39

MIL is bonkers I think. Poor woman was hysterical.

Poor woman!!??

She is beyond vile. No wonder your DH is upset. Do you know your Sil's position in all this?

Cut the woman out.

magentastardust · 14/08/2013 22:44

yes you are right -You shouldn't make your DH choose and you don't want to lower yourself to MIL 's level, I am just outraged at the thought of your poor DH going along to visit her and maintaining a relationship with her and her thinking she has 'won' and has got her own way.
She shouldn't be putting your DH in this position-awful woman. It will backfire for her eventually :(

TeamEdward · 14/08/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2013 22:47

I have read some mil threads over the years but my god she takes the cake (quite literally it would seem).

What a vile piece of work.

OP, just keep well away.

Minshu · 14/08/2013 22:48

This is horrendous! I can't imagine anyone behaving like this. Stay strong and good luck for your medical appointment next week.

Was MIL's attitude at all instrumental in BIL's previous relationship breaking down, by any chance?

CSIJanner · 14/08/2013 22:49

Bugger me sideways! She's vile, isn't she? You're talking to her about your worries with health and your joy in trying to make your DH's birthday a special day, and she pisses on him with this? That's not love. That's toxic.

She must have taken him to stately homes as a child.

If she really wanted a family celebration, she would have made sure that the pub allowed for children. So that excuse is thrown out as shit as I doubt that all the pubs were fully booked on a mid-week August lunch. Christmas, yes, August, no. She's clutching at straws and either DH's family have been conditioned to accept her rantings, they agree or they're embarrassed by it all. Either way, your better off out.

As Ms Koala says, take time for you and your DH to heal as she hasn't just disrespected you, she's also disrespected his children and himself. Ignore her, don't engage her and let her have her melodramatics in the corner, whilst you and your husband concentrate on you all.