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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to try and work my sister's hen party around breast feeding my 4 1/2 month old baby?

155 replies

PodeTheBogeySlayer · 14/08/2013 17:01

Supposed to be going to my sister's hen party this weekend but DH has basically received an email from soon to be BIL saying I shouldn't bf while there because it will interfere with the day.

The hen do is minimum 2 hours away from where I live and his wonderful suggestions were to:
A) go but leave every time DS2 needs feeding
B) go just for lunch and then leave
C) not go
D) just travel up Sunday to see them (when they'll all be hungover...!?)

The Hen Do plan was to spend all day in a hotel with pamper session in suite and various games, then out for dinner and drinks. DH was going to travel up and spend the day with DS1, take DS2 in between feeds and basically spend the evening in a hotel room with two sleeping boys. We've come to the decision that there is only one option. Now working out what to do with our weekend...

AWBU?

OP posts:
SpottyTeacakes · 14/08/2013 18:46

Pinup having ff dc1 and bf dc2 I don't think you can fully understand until you have done it. I know some women/babies find it easy etc but not everyone does especially at such a young age where growth spurts are frequent etc. everytime ds went more than two hours I would end up with blocked ducts.

Maybe OP hasn't even tried expressing/using a bottle, why would she if she thought she would be able to feed the baby.

I personally wouldn't go.

Pinupgirl · 14/08/2013 18:47

Apologies maja-I thought your dc was 4 months old.

FreeWee · 14/08/2013 18:47

You either bf or express which will actually take longer and interfere more. Or your boobs will feel like they're exploding!!! Explain that to BIL. I went to a hen do for 12 hours while DD was 4 1/2 mths. Expressed while I was there in spare hotel room 3 times during the down time you always get on these things. If you're always in the hotel room doing pampering things it'll be easy to bf and in no way cause an interruption. Especially if your DH is there to take your baby straight away to do winding etc. Your BIL is BU. And why did this come from him and not your SIL? People getting others to do their dirty works annoys me.

Yonionekanobe · 14/08/2013 18:48

I tried for weeks. Multiple types of bottles and waiting longer periods than was probably ideal for DD just to refuse. It was horrible, hugely stressful and ultimately curtailed the bfing, as when she finally took a bottle at just short of five months I daren't let her back on the boob for fear that we would end up back at square one. DH, DM, DSis and our HV tries to give her a bottle during that period - often with me well out of the house. NOTHING worked. Bottle refusing is very real and became such a battle it really marred the early months with DD. I am pregnant again and DC2 will have a bottle daily from DH so I don't end up in that situation again.

Anyway, as others have said huge derail, but given the above if OP is in a similar situation, she has little choice and I'm surprised her sister doesn't understand.

FreeWee · 14/08/2013 18:48

Sorry sister not SIL

Pinupgirl · 14/08/2013 18:48

No I didn't bf-I wanted to but couldn't as I do think its best.

mollycuddles · 14/08/2013 18:51

Screw the sister if this is how she feels
I went to my db's wedding in NYC despite him only inviting 2 out of 3 of my DCs. Put us into financial difficulties tbh. For the sake of our relationship. And he's shit all over me ever since. Mind you he always was a narcissistic twat. Just took me a while (40 years) to realise it
Wish I hadn't gone to his bloody wedding.
Op - you and your baby come first. End of. If she doesn't like that then tough
She can be the hen without you
Although IMO hen dos are a load of nonsense anyway. Celebrating the last day of freedom? WTAF?

TarkaTheOtter · 14/08/2013 18:52

Oh I see. So maybe you're not best placed on advising how to get a ebf baby to take a bottle then Confused

CaptainSweatPants · 14/08/2013 18:52

Just ask your sister if having your kids & Dh in the hotel is ok or not

I suspect she's moaned about not having your undivided attention & doesn't want the kids & Dh there

AcrylicPlexiglass · 14/08/2013 18:53

Do you and your sister have a difficult relationship? Like others I don't understand why your men are emailing each other about this. You two should be talking. Pick up the phone and sort it ahhht! If you aren't close enough to talk to each other, I definitely wouldn't worry about not attending. It will be hell anyway so why not use the great excuse of having a young baby to get out of a social nightmare? I would!

Having said all that, if you adore your sister and wouldn't miss her hen night for the world, I don't really see what's wrong with option A on your list. I suspect that all this is purely and simply about no one really wanting a baby at a hen do (understandably) and nothing to do with breastfeeding at all. If your partner is going to be onsite what is the problem with popping out to see them all and feed the baby as necessary?

Pinupgirl · 14/08/2013 18:54

I dint say I was tarka-I merely asked a question about bottle refusing.

diddl · 14/08/2013 18:57

Trouble is, it's not a hen night-it's a whole day!

Lanceolate · 14/08/2013 18:58

Actually you told the OP what she should be doing with no understanding of the practicalities of BF.

FreeWee · 14/08/2013 18:58

The OP whether she says so or not CANNOT physically be separated for that long or her boobs will leak and she will be in agony. There is no BFing mother on this site who won't agree with that. Missed feeds = pain for mum regardless of whether baby is bottle refuser (very common among my friends). It's a very real thing & I'm lucky my DD takes bottles or we would have had to do the same on the recent hen do I went on. If he's in another room what's the problem? She'll have to go to another room to express pinup she will have to get the milk out of her boobs somehow. That's just a fact. And babies are more efficient than pumps so it would be quicker to feed.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/08/2013 19:00

The other option is you just don't go. Is your sister aware of that?

BeCool · 14/08/2013 19:01

I was in Thailand bf a 5mo. I had daily massages (bliss). They had someone to cluck over DD And brought her over if she needed a feed. When iwould lie on my side and feed her while the masseuse worked around me.

So a BF shouldn't interfere with your massage/treatments at all. Smile

glenthebattleostrich · 14/08/2013 19:03

OP, if I were you I'd email my sis politely saying you understood it was her weekend and so as not to cause the predicted disruption you would politely decline her invite but you hope she has a fab weekend.

Pinupgirl, my DD was a bottle refuser. She once went for 6 hours without having a drop of milk when I was away on a course. DH ended up bringing her to me because she was so hungry. I was also in pain and hand expressed in the loos because I made so much milk it was leaking out and my top was wet.

A little girl I mind refused bottles too, she wouldn't entertain any kind of formula either. We tried for 3 months (from 4.5 months to 7.5) to get her to take milk in the day to no avail. I ended up having to meet her mum close to her work so she'd get food until she was taking enough at meal times to not have to have milk in the day.

PeppermintCreamsSaga · 14/08/2013 19:04

Why is your BIL emailing your DH about this when it's your own sister?

lazzaroo · 14/08/2013 19:10

I have a bottle refuser. Friend had a spa weekend hen do in a hotel when she was little. I went for one day. DH and DD came with me. I fed when we got there. DH sat with DD in another part of the hotel. I had a lovely massage and tea with the girlies. Fed hef again before we came home. Another guest was in same situation. She did overnight and her DH stayed with DD. It was fine. You need to be sure there isn't some other reason for the e-mail as it seems very odd, especially for your sisters hen do.

Shelby2010 · 14/08/2013 19:15

I think we need some clarification from OP as the rejection of BIL's option a) 'leave when baby needs feeding', seems to suggest that the OP was planning for DH to bring the baby into the pamper session, rather than her going to the baby.

And as has already been commented on, DH, baby & other child wandering in and out would be disruptive. Also I've never been to a pamper session but imagine the women would be hanging out in dressing gowns having massages, waxing, facials etc & could feel quite uncomfortable with DH coming in.

If OP was planning on going to her own room to feed the baby then there doesn't appear to be an issue anyway?

hamdangle · 14/08/2013 19:25

I have a feeling that there's more to this, especially as he has given several options that seem perfectly reasonable that you are sarcastically describing as 'wonderful'.

He is saying that you can come but leave the hen do for feeds or go for just part of it or even not come at all. The only option is that you don't keep bringing the baby into the room where the party is to feed. I think that's perfectly understandable. I wouldn't want a baby at my hen do either, especially if others have got sitters.

I think that your sister doesn't want you to have the baby around all day but is afraid to tell you. She probably has a point as instead of asking her yourself your first plan of action is to post on here in the hope that loads of women will scream 'your boobs, your baby! How dare he! Etc etc'

You are breastfeeding and your baby is only four months. Just don't go or go to see them with the baby the next day like suggested.

peteypiranha · 14/08/2013 19:32

I would try and leave your ds2 with dh tbh. I cant see how it will be relaxing for you if you keep having to go and breastfeed him.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 14/08/2013 19:37

Oh yes Petey, much more relaxing to leave her ebf baby for a whole day... Hmm

peteypiranha · 14/08/2013 19:40

I ebfed for a full year but still went on hen nights,birthdays, weddings without my kids etc from a couple of months in. You need some downtime yourself.

Mia4 · 14/08/2013 19:43

I'm confused why, if your DH will be in a nearby room, you can't just pop over to his room for feeding rather then have him bring baby to you and disrupt. Get him to text or watsapp you, or even ring the room if the baby gets agitated and go when you feel you need to.

It's lovely that you are going to an effort for your sister but really you can't work her hen do around your baby-it has to be the other way around (as the above would do) otherwise it's unfair a) on the bride getting disrupted by the appearance intermittently of a baby, b) other guests who want to get drunk or even just have an adult giggle without being reminded of kids.

It looks like your sister is either a bit wussy of her DP s going behind her back because she's been moaning about the disruption of a baby. Or even her guests may be moaning about it tbh. Her DH shouldn't have sent the email, your sister should have bitten the bullet and done it, it souns like she wants a child-free day which she'd get with any of those options, and you can't blame her for that but she should have been the one to say.

It doesn't sound like they are bride or groomzilla or you'd have been ordered to leave the baby behind and told in no uncertain terms that you couldn't not attend. It just sounds like your sister's gone the wrong way about this or her DP has gone over her head. You need to call her and just explain you can't leave the baby but you could either do option A or wouldn't be able to attend and would arrange something between the two of you.

My question is why has this just come up now? Not when you booked it? Did she try to hint or ask you and you didn't see or ignored her wanting the baby not there? Or is she the type to seethe or fester or repress and suddenly it's come up?

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