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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU TTC at my age

107 replies

Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 12:32

Context. In the past i have had very emotionally abusive relationships and had a long battle with depression. Have really had a bad time tbh. Fast forward to now and i've met someone lovely. He is desperate for kids, i would like them too. But, he thinks i am younger. I haven't lied we just never talk about age. He is 50 and seems to have assumed i am late thirties. Should i say yes to TTC but say u do realise i am 45? Or do i hold the thought that i work in a huge company with loads of professional women on baby no 2 or 3 and all around 40-42 and just say 'yes, woohoo, lets get practicing'? (my best friend at school was born to a very surprised 46 yr old mum too btw).

I also got pregnant once at 40 incredibly quicky/accidentally but was talked into a termination i have always regretted. I'd been seeing somone 3months and can only put it down to being on antibiotics (I didnt know they made pill less efficient). Is 45 too old to even try? Should i make him aware? I am lucky that he is solvent and could afford IVF by the way, he has mentioned that ..and we have both said we agree with adoption as well... I am just scared he will drop me for someone younger and therefore officially 'fertile' ..

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 14/08/2013 12:35

It seems odd to talk about having DCs and IVF with a man who doesn't know how old you are. Surely the basics come first? And beware the man who barely knows you yet is talking about having babies with you. Easy come, easy go...

nokidshere · 14/08/2013 12:35

Yanbu to ttc at your age but you will BU if you don't talk it through properly first - starting with age!

Fairy130389 · 14/08/2013 12:36

He loves you. He wants children with you. He will not leave for somebody younger, if he thinks you are mid 30's then be proud that you are looking so good for your age! I think, if you are financially secure, your relationship is secure, and this is what you both want, go for it. Good luck

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 14/08/2013 12:37

YANBU, lots of people get pregnant at 45 or older.

But I think you need to be honest about your age, because if he does "drop you for someone younger" then he is not categorically not lovely, he is a twat and you should not be having children with him.

Onesleeptillwembley · 14/08/2013 12:37

Yabvvu.You're not even in an honest relationship. You don't sound like you've got a syable lifestyle either.

Onesleeptillwembley · 14/08/2013 12:37

stable.

Tee2072 · 14/08/2013 12:40

First, tell him how old you are.

Then, maybe, talk about having children.

cory · 14/08/2013 12:41

"Should i make him aware?"

Well, seeing that you are talking of somebody who would become the father to your child, somebody who even if you split up would then be part of your life forever, you can hardly expect to keep your age concealed from him forever. So if you don't tell him now, when do you tell him? Isn't it going to be more awkward if you conceal it like some big dramatic effect?

Crinkle77 · 14/08/2013 12:42

I have to agreee with lessmissabs. I think it i strange that you are thinking about having a baby with a man but you have not discussed simple things like how old you are. When you first meet someone these are the sorts of questions you ask. How long have you known him? YANBU for trying for a baby at 45 but it sounds a little early in your realtionship. I think you need to get to know each other better first.

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 12:46

I have had counselling, sorted my depression and my issues with emotional abuse and, have a great job. I am more than 'stable'... Is someone who admits their issues and tackles them unstable then? Harsh. We are totally honest with each other on everything just age has only ever been mentioned once, by him. He's old fashioned would consider it rude to ask. 20yrs ago he went to AA as he had a drink prob and hes been sober ever since. Is he unstable too? It was one of the first things we talked about, honestly. Actually i think i will tell him .. why not, IVF and adoption are options too after all.

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 14/08/2013 12:48

YANBU to TTC at 45, as long as you are realistic that you may not succeed, and that your MC risk and risk of Chromosone problems is much higher.
YABU to TTC with someone who doesn't know the most basic facts about you and whilst you have doubts about the relationship to the extent you think he'll head for the hills if you tell him how old you are.
Sit down and discuss it properly. If you are then both up for the challenge on an honest footing, good luck!

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 12:52

Also, as he said, once you have 'been around the block' you dont play games and are open about what you want out of life and yr relationship. We've been seeing each other 6months, daily, as we live and work near each other: and have both always wanted children. I'm going to tell him. He might even know anyway.. we are always referencing same films/kids progs growing up etc...

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 14/08/2013 12:53

Why on earth would it be rude to ask the woman you are dating and contemplating a future with her age?? Its part of getting to know each other!

The alternative is that you get pregnant without knowing basic information about each other such as your age. Bizarre.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 14/08/2013 12:53

Why not start trying and if it happens it happens? Then you are clearly not too old! In my opinion IVF after the menopause is weird, unnatural and unfair.

I would think very very carefully about adopting a messed up child too. I totally understand you wanting a bio child, but IMO taking on someone elses child is an altruistic thing to do and not a substitute for your own baby. I cant imagine it would be easy or fun.
But you will have plenty of time to think about all that if you went through the lengthy adoption process.

I agree, first of all tell him how old you are!

EldritchCleavage · 14/08/2013 12:54

Be honest with him, as no doubt you expect him to be honest with you. Otherwise, the game's not worth the candle.

Oh, and I had my second at 43.

seensomuch · 14/08/2013 12:56

yabu sounds like you only want a baby because you think it will make him stay .

Saffyz · 14/08/2013 12:57

Should i say yes to TTC but say u do realise i am 45?

Yes.

StuntGirl · 14/08/2013 12:58

What an odd situation and question.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/08/2013 13:02

YANBU to try to conceive at 45. I had DC3 at 44.

But YABVVU not to have a frank discussion about both your situations - including age. How do you know that he thinks you are 'late thirties'?

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 13:10

You want a baby. You are 45. Get a move on - there's no time for niceties.

Elsiequadrille · 14/08/2013 13:13

The age part is absolutely fine. 45 is not too old at all.

Good luck!

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 13:20

JenaiMorris , You are right. I will get a move on & tell him.

Seensomuch - have wanted children for as long as i can remember. But was with partners who didnt. Same for him.

LadyMacbeth - he said something along lines of 'I love late 30's women who know what they want' ..

Everyone - i just texted him yes but 45 is 45 so lets get on with it ... he replied with two smileys ....

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 14/08/2013 13:28

Christ, debating the merits of bringing a child into the world via text...

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 13:29

Arf at agreeing to TTC by text. What you, feckless teens? Wink

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 13:34

Nope Stunt Girl & JenaiMorris Lots of (countless/nightly) disussions first for last month - just couldnt wait til tonite when we travel home together. Why do people jump to worst conclusions here !

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