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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU TTC at my age

107 replies

Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 12:32

Context. In the past i have had very emotionally abusive relationships and had a long battle with depression. Have really had a bad time tbh. Fast forward to now and i've met someone lovely. He is desperate for kids, i would like them too. But, he thinks i am younger. I haven't lied we just never talk about age. He is 50 and seems to have assumed i am late thirties. Should i say yes to TTC but say u do realise i am 45? Or do i hold the thought that i work in a huge company with loads of professional women on baby no 2 or 3 and all around 40-42 and just say 'yes, woohoo, lets get practicing'? (my best friend at school was born to a very surprised 46 yr old mum too btw).

I also got pregnant once at 40 incredibly quicky/accidentally but was talked into a termination i have always regretted. I'd been seeing somone 3months and can only put it down to being on antibiotics (I didnt know they made pill less efficient). Is 45 too old to even try? Should i make him aware? I am lucky that he is solvent and could afford IVF by the way, he has mentioned that ..and we have both said we agree with adoption as well... I am just scared he will drop me for someone younger and therefore officially 'fertile' ..

OP posts:

eurochick · 14/08/2013 18:02

I don't think it's too old, but I do think you need to be realistic. Some women do have babies in their mid-40s, but as others have mentioned, fertility falls, the chance of mc increases, as does the chance of chromosomal issues. You need to think seriously in light of your previous depression as to how you would deal with these potential issues.

According to the charts on wiki, you have somewhere between a 50 and 79% chance of not having a baby by starting to ttc at 45.

That page also quotes a study saying that by age 45 87% of couples were infertile.

I'm not trying to pee on your fireworks, but I think you really do need to contemplate the possibility that it will not happen for you.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility

expatinscotland · 14/08/2013 18:06

True, Jenai. My gran had a baby 2 months before her 48th birthday (no, not planned), her 7th. She had given birth to her 1st at 16.

Icedink · 14/08/2013 18:14

Ignore the judginess, get off this thread and go and jump your dp!

Floggingmolly · 14/08/2013 18:25

Having an abortion does not mean a woman doesn't want children
At 40?

Feminine · 14/08/2013 18:28

soontobe your Mum had you very young.

Shall we judge her?

No, thought not.

to you, 45 might seem old. It isn't.

oldham70 · 14/08/2013 18:35

Also my downs screening result at 44 was far better than the tge at 38.

colafrosties · 14/08/2013 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThedementedPenguin · 14/08/2013 19:36

Good luck on your TTC journey Op. I really hope you get pregnant very soon.

Don't listen to soontobe I'm 23 and pregnant with my second and I would be angry if anyone told me I was too young to be a mum.

You do what is right for you.

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 19:38

flogging - ffs.

strawberry34 · 14/08/2013 19:45

Yanbu, as long as you'd be happy to raise the child alone if the relationship didn't work out (no disrespect, just that it's a fairly new relationship, I hope it does work out).

qazxc · 14/08/2013 19:46

YANBU for TTC at 45. but is this relationship really solid and honest,considering you are worried that he will dump you for a younger model?

BreasticlesNTesticles · 14/08/2013 19:57

Good for you OP, I wish you the very best.

Discussing the reasons for the OP having an abortion are hurtful, tactless at best and irrelevant.

DH 's DM was 46 when she had him happy accident

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 14/08/2013 19:59

Jenai, I stand corrected...many thanks. Just looked it up and you are right. I have never taken the pill but when I was offered it many moons ago, I was told antibiotics could decrease effectiveness.

Fairy130389 · 14/08/2013 21:02

P.s MIL was 41 when she had him - coil slip up - her 'flu bug'! And SIL has had first baby at 40. As for length of the relationship, I don't think that is a worry. You know how stable it is and when it is right. DH and I got engaged after 4 months... When it's right it's right.

Be armed with all the info you can, give yourself the best chances, and fgs get of mumsnet and shag dh day and night. Enjoy the pregnancy board - it's a lot kinder than this one!

mumofweeboys · 14/08/2013 21:11

I would go for it but you need to discuss and plan the mundane like will you live together, who's house will be home, will you be a sahm or him a sahd ect it's always the little things that can crack a relationship if they haven't been discusses.

currentlyconfuseddotcom · 14/08/2013 21:19

I always always quite impressed by rellies who had their first baby when the mum was 46, in 1920. They had been married for nearly 30 years and trying all that time and that was their first baby. They had definitely given up by that point and it was a huge shock.

Their baby (my great uncle) was utterly wonderful.

Wuxiapian · 14/08/2013 22:03

All sounds rather immature to me.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 15/08/2013 11:15

Ah. That's really nice. Good luck with it. I hope it works out. A late baby is great. It's energised me. Though my stomach has never recovered!

Original poster

Sazzle41 · 15/08/2013 12:17

Yes Tarka, cantspel, Stuntgirl, we live together as i was spending all my time there anyway from the start. He'd tried conceiving for years with an ex via IVF and it was the ex who had the fertility prob not him. We are both now due to see a private fertility specialist together re whether we are both ok fertility wise. Women in my family tend to age well and only go grey/ get menopausal lateish: around 53ish ... so there is still time. (no grey head hair yet but odd grey eyebrow hair is all so far !). A downs baby wouldnt faze me or him. We both have very positive prior experience of downs children: we've been talking about all the pros & cons for weeks now.

OP posts:

Twattybollocks · 15/08/2013 12:26

I don't think you are too old, but one thing I will say (and I would say to any woman thinking about ttc) be prepared to bring up a baby on your own, because people change, situations change, it can happen, it does happen, to people who are in new relationships, it also happens to people who have been married or in stable relationships for years (like me who has been married for 10 years, 3rd baby arrived end of jan, by the end of may I was a single parent)
If you are ok with that then crack on and good luck.

StuntGirl · 15/08/2013 13:35

Having an abortion does not mean a woman doesn't want children

At 40? hmm

Jeez flogging, I always thought you were a fairly sensible poster. Of course a woman can have an abortion at any age and still want children. Especially when there are mental health and abusive relationships involved. You're being daft to think otherwise.

Oldandcobwebby · 15/08/2013 13:41

I am ignoring most of the post and concentrating on the mechanics of TTC. I am 50, and Mrs Oldandcobwebby is 45. We have a healthy and delightful 10 month old daughter, conceived by the age old "just shagging" method. This could be you!

JenaiMorris · 15/08/2013 14:02

50?

That's wonderful for you Old, I was just hoping not to have to worry about all that stuff soon (am 40)

catsmother · 15/08/2013 14:07

OP - I wish you the best of luck and hope you're successful. It's rather ridiculous for anyone else to judge you on the basis of age ("feeling" your age is totally subjective) or on the various issues you might come up against, which I'm sure you're sensible enough (and "old" enough) to have discussed at length. This is an issue close to my heart as I've been pregnant 3 times in my 40s (just once in my 20s, twice in my 30s) and though sadly it didn't work out for me as I miscarried, I can let you know that I fell pregnant after 6 weeks of trying at 43, 6 weeks after miscarrying at the age of 44 and unplanned at 47. Hopefully, your physiology will be different to mine if you do fall pregnant - and with the added advice of folic acid and aspirin etc further up the thread, I'm sure you'll do all you can to preserve and protect any pregnancy. I wish I'd known about aspirin and so on when I was trying - it's only something I've read about quite recently. As to 45 being "old" - ha - it's entirely possible to be that age, or older, as I am and be in the best physical shape you've ever been in - with no sign whatsoever of the menopause. Conversely, I've seen women much younger than me who look older and who complain of getting "old". We're all individuals and what we can and cannot cope with really is down to individual circumstances, outlook, fate (to some extent, what bodies we've been given) rather than a figure on our birth certificate!

clareabouts · 15/08/2013 14:21

Best of luck to you, OP. I'm 38 and recently separated, so if I do ever become a mum I'll be another older one. As to whether the relationship will withstand the pressures of parenthood, nobody knows that about their relationship before they start! My DB and his partner got pregnant by accident about two weeks into their relationship and she was older and wanted to keep the baby, so they agreed to take it a day at a time and just see how things went. They're now engaged with #2 on the way.

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