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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU TTC at my age

107 replies

Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 12:32

Context. In the past i have had very emotionally abusive relationships and had a long battle with depression. Have really had a bad time tbh. Fast forward to now and i've met someone lovely. He is desperate for kids, i would like them too. But, he thinks i am younger. I haven't lied we just never talk about age. He is 50 and seems to have assumed i am late thirties. Should i say yes to TTC but say u do realise i am 45? Or do i hold the thought that i work in a huge company with loads of professional women on baby no 2 or 3 and all around 40-42 and just say 'yes, woohoo, lets get practicing'? (my best friend at school was born to a very surprised 46 yr old mum too btw).

I also got pregnant once at 40 incredibly quicky/accidentally but was talked into a termination i have always regretted. I'd been seeing somone 3months and can only put it down to being on antibiotics (I didnt know they made pill less efficient). Is 45 too old to even try? Should i make him aware? I am lucky that he is solvent and could afford IVF by the way, he has mentioned that ..and we have both said we agree with adoption as well... I am just scared he will drop me for someone younger and therefore officially 'fertile' ..

OP posts:
chickydoo · 14/08/2013 15:49

YANBU
But, I am the same age as you, the thought of a newborn now...God I couldn't cope with the exhaustion and sleepless nights. I have 4 DC, eldest 18 youngest 9. I work full time & am knackered. My Dh was 49 when we had our youngest, he is the oldest Dad we know, even though he looks younger than his years. Inside he says he feels everyone one of his 58 years!
Good luck with your decision

Kezztrel · 14/08/2013 15:54

Good grief. I'm pretty sure from reading the thread that people were talking about the stability of the RELATIONSHIP not the mental/emotional stability of the individuals involved.

That being said, OP yanbu if it's what you both want and as time is not on your side it seems reasonable to go ahead straight away rather than waiting until you've been together a few years - good luck!

PeppermintPasty · 14/08/2013 15:57

I wish you all the luck. I had my second at 41. I had a couple of MCs along the way so prepare for a bumpy ride. As for having babies late, if you're passing for 30s I'm sure you'll do fine. Afterwards, not so much Wink

But yy to discussing the age issue asap.

Good luck.

EldritchCleavage · 14/08/2013 16:01

OP's relationship might work out, it might not. We can't possibly know what's more likely.

I may be flamed for saying this, but in 5 years time, OP, you might not be together. All relationships are a risk. So, looking ahead to if that happened, would you rather be split up with no child and no prospect of one, or split up but co-parenting? I know what I thought when DH and I decided to take the plunge after only 18 months together.

Be realistic, be responsible, and work hard to make your relationship work and be good, healthy parents to any child you may have. If you do this you need to face and accept the extra risk of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities or other issues related to parental age at conception. You'll be older parents, which brings benefits but also drawbacks.

But really, it is a bit patronising for any of us to tell you 'what it's like' (as if that's possible). You and he have decided to go for it, so I'm keeping everything crossed for you.

currentlyconfuseddotcom · 14/08/2013 16:02

Sazzle, i think it's wonderful that you seem so happy and excited! Best of luck with it :)

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 16:02

Onesleep .. as other posters have said, age was immaterial/didnt matter until the babies were being discussed. If you have had bad relationships you know when one is good. 6months is plenty when you have got to an age where you dont play games and know what you both want want and time is cracking on. He knows my age now and isnt bothered he'd assumed i was younger. Neither of us are very judgey people. Its nice so many people are happy for us. You arent really suggesting we wait a year at our age? My age was the only thing we hadnt discussed: everything and i mean everything on both sides was cards on table and this is what i want out of life. Age doesnt/didnt matter to either of us until fertility came into it. But i sense you are determined to find something negative...

OP posts:
waxymaxy · 14/08/2013 16:08

I feel a bit uncomfortable at your posts - you have always wanted a baby and yet you had a termination at 40?

As well as considering your age you also need to consider your dp's age - he is 50. Has he never met anyone in all these years he wanted to have children with and yet now he is madly keen?

This is someone's (potential) life we are talking about after all - as someone said above it all seems a bit immature and rushed.

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 16:19

chickydoo i am incredibly lucky that my partners previous workaholic career has meant that he now only needs to work part time/when he wants to. So it will be very equal re the getting up in the night etc. He also already has a large circle of friends with little ones as a support network ... all of whom i've met and who tell me he will be as fantastic with his own kids as he is with theirs...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 16:23

As i said, Waxymaxy i got pressured into it by an emotionally abusive partner - and have regretted it ever since. Daily. Yes, he wanted kids, he tried for 7 years with a previous partner with IVF, the lot, all their tries failed. We both know what we want and time isnt on our side.

OP posts:
OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 14/08/2013 16:24

You really didn't know that antibiotics can reduce the effectiveness of the pill at 40 years of age???

Feminine · 14/08/2013 16:25

Not judging, just don't know how you didn't get to talking about your age?

Really good luck. :)

WhiteTrouserSuitBushfkaPedantM · 14/08/2013 16:29

waxy how about you come on down to the nekkid swimminhole and lose the judgeypants? And read the OP, if not the whole thread: Sazzle regretted the termination and had been pressured into it in the first place!

What I'm betting is that part of the pressure that led to the termination was the "ooh, 40-YO prima gravidae, single mother" (as would have been very possible, given that relationship) crap she would have been hearing and judgeypants coming out of the woodwork.

Sazzle I offered my support earlier. I meant it, and still do.

But here's what you need to do now: don't listen to any of us! You're in a good job, your DP is solvent, you're both mature and stable enough to know what you want, and you clearly get on with each other. You get to do exactly what you want to in this respect without a say-so from any of us vipers.

GrumblegrumbleSocietalnormscangokissmyflabbywhiteassGrumblegrumble

Original poster
Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 16:32

No Overthefields - neither did a friend I asked at the time. I knew stomach upset = doesnt work but not that. At that age i had given up as partner adamant he'd leave if i got pregnant and had in fact left his last partner when she did. So i knew it wasnt an option.

Feminine, i was brought up that its rude to ask, so was he. Both had rather victorianishly strict old fashioned upbringing btw: ridiculously so, in both cases. He assumed i was 37 ish so he says and as i dont judge by age and neither does he, it didnt come up til we started talking babies.. and neither of us smoke/drink and both of us watch our diet and walk - lots.... he doesnt look anywhere near 50 ..

OP posts:
waxymaxy · 14/08/2013 16:36

I read the op whitetrouser and it said that she had been 'talked into' the abortion - no mention of emotional abuse etc a that point. I am not judging anyone for having an abortion. I'm also not judging someone wanting to have a baby late in life but I'm finding this thread somehow unsettling so I'll back away and leave you at your swimming hole (whatever that is).

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 16:36

Few antibiotics have an effect on the pill, Over

ime they're an excuse for becoming pregnant - but an excuse without which a lot of people would never become parents.

Feminine · 14/08/2013 16:37

I understand. I look younger as does DH he is 54! we had our youngest when he was 50. I was 37, and already considered a geriatric mum. What does a few more years matter Grin

I have a feeling things will work out. It makes a massive difference when you take care of yourself anyway. Its probably a good sign that you conceived quickly at 40. Actually I was talking to a friend yesterday, her Mum had her at 46!

StuntGirl · 14/08/2013 16:39

Waxy that's a silly and judgemental comment. Having an abortion does not mean a woman doesn't want children.

That said, the OP does seem extremely naive in many ways, I would make sure you know exactly what you're getting yourself into and the possible bad outcomes as well as the good.

TarkaTheOtter · 14/08/2013 16:59

Do you live together OP? Might that not be a logical first step?
I don't think age is an issue (except it adds a time pressure a younger woman might not feel), but I do think that the seriousness (or not) of the relationship is an issue.

cantspel · 14/08/2013 17:06

Way slow down. You have only just told the bloke your age so it stands to reason you haven;t discussed what each of your views are if you do fall pregnant. Will you both want testing for any abnormalities and if so would either of you want to continue with the pregnancy? Or would it be better to go straight away fro ivf using donor eggs to maximize your chance of a healthy baby. Are you even still fertile? Have you had your hormone levels checked or any signs of the menopause? Is he fertile as if he has got to 50 without producing a child so far he may well not be.

I think if you are both serious about it then you need to both be tested and then take the discussion form there.

oldham70 · 14/08/2013 17:15

Good luck to those trying. I have just given birth at 44 so anything is possible.

soontobeburns · 14/08/2013 17:33

As a 23 yo it sounds very old. Your my mums ages and she is starting to enter the menopause, I couldn't imagine her having another child.

Also have to realise you will be getting your bus pass when your DC is still a teenager. Also risk of Downs etc.I think its very selfish to have a child at 45

Just be careful but if you know the risks and are happy go ahead. My opinion and others doesnt matter its up to you and your OH alone.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2013 17:38

'Your my mums ages and she is starting to enter the menopause, I couldn't imagine her having another child.'

Plenty of women have children at precisely that time.

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 17:49

23 sounds absurdly young to have a child.

MickeyMouseHasGrownUpACow · 14/08/2013 17:54

Not too old. Good luck to you!

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 17:56

ok, that was mean of me.

soon OP doesn't have time to ponder. In ye olden days, women often had babies who were younger than their own grandchildren.