AIBU TTC at my age

[Sazzle41]

Context. In the past i have had very emotionally abusive relationships and had a long battle with depression. Have really had a bad time tbh. Fast forward to now and i've met someone lovely. He is desperate for kids, i would like them too. But, he thinks i am younger. I haven't lied we just never talk about age. He is 50 and seems to have assumed i am late thirties. Should i say yes to TTC but say u do realise i am 45? Or do i hold the thought that i work in a huge company with loads of professional women on baby no 2 or 3 and all around 40-42 and just say 'yes, woohoo, lets get practicing'? (my best friend at school was born to a very surprised 46 yr old mum too btw).

I also got pregnant once at 40 incredibly quicky/accidentally but was talked into a termination i have always regretted. I'd been seeing somone 3months and can only put it down to being on antibiotics (I didnt know they made pill less efficient). Is 45 too old to even try? Should i make him aware? I am lucky that he is solvent and could afford IVF by the way, he has mentioned that ..and we have both said we agree with adoption as well... I am just scared he will drop me for someone younger and therefore officially 'fertile' ..

Youve been with someone 6 months He didnt even know your age. You are discussing this by text. None of these indicate stability. The fact you're even considering this adds to this. No child should be planned in this situation. For someone mid 40s you sound very immature.

Glorious x-post there, StuntGirl

It's no worse than exchanging opinion with a bunch of randomers on the internet. Or drunkenly discarding the condoms in a moment of sybaritic passion (which is how an awful lot of babies are conceived).

Again, OneSleep, we havent discussed it by text. We've been discussing it nightly for a month now, i just couldnt wait to tell him my decision. What do i have to do, provide proof of every dinner time conversation ? God.

Sazz the was meant to indicate affectionate ribbing.

No judginess from my corner whatsoever.

You've been discussing it with him for the last month but have managed so far to avoid mentioning perhaps the biggest issue of all related to your chances of having a child - your age?

I don't see what is wrong with text if you are not in a position to pick up the phone?

Good luck Sazzle, I hope that you naturally conceive, however you need to consider that you might struggle with IVF depending on your egg quality and store, you might find difficulty finding a clinic that won't insist on donor eggs, don't delay getting help with TTC six months or so (rather than wait a year like the advice is) you could potentially consider IUI initially too?

Exactly wembley and jan!

Wow, people are really judgmental. How long do you have to be with someone to be deemed 'stable'? And if they didn't discuss her age up till now, so what? It's not been important until now. People seem to love to think that the way THEY did things is the only 'best' way. My husband and I were together about 4 months when we started talking about babies. That was about 9 months ago, we are now married and expecting. Do I think that would be the right timetable of events for everyone? No. Would I advise my teenage niece to do things the exact same way? Not really. I am 44. In your mid-40s, you have enough experience to know when you meet one of the good guys, but you don't have enough time to dither about when it comes to TTC. I say 'Go for it, OP, congratulations on meeting a nice guy at last, and good luck!'.

Oh lord, it sounds a bit daft to me, but in answer to your question, I think if it happens naturally it's not too old.

people are nit picking,she has said they discussed it before texting about it,and she said age isnt something they talked about,some people do still think its rude to ask.

Go for it,and i hope you will be happy.

I am delighted for you both ! Fingers crossed for you both !!

I am so glad to see this thread. Just started trying for a baby last night!

Am nearly 41. Husband is 7 years younger and he didn't know my real age for a while. he desperately wants children but he has said we will take what fate brings us. Am hoping we will get lucky. Like you I spent years with men that didn't want kids or to settle.

My aunt had a child at 46. My mum at 43.

Where I am from its rude to ask. He is old fashioned and considers it rude to ask re age. He knows my age now. I was amazed that in London people are totally obsessed with age & its often first thing they ask.

To the negative people he knows my age now and isnt remotely bothered he assumed i was younger and i didnt mention it.

Thanks Jenai ... i didnt mean your comment was off

Liquidstate, Snowqu33, LyonsDemesne, Ringaringarosy, such lovely positive vibes/comments. And yes, we have both been around the block, know what we want, have talked face to face about it constantly/daily, NOT only on text (repeated again for all those who keep insisting its all been a text thing) and why wait at our age? I've found a decent man, finally, who wants what i want.

Good luck with it. Tbh, at your age I would go straight for fertility testing and possible treatment, you can be trying while you're doing that!

I had a DS at almost 43, I also had several MC, (had no problem TTC, but in your mid 40's the chromosomal Problems are huge, most conceptions will be non viable). I saw a consultant who put me on very high dose folic acid (5mg day) while TTC and until at least 3 month pregnant, and mini aspirin (to be started as soon as pregnant until about 30 wks pregnant). The next pregnancy was DS.
You are 45, you don't have time to waste so I suggest you start right now but talk to a gp about referring you to a specialist who can advise you on how to increase your chances of a successful pregnancy.
The high dose folic acid and aspirin regime was advised by my consultant to all his "old" women TTC on the grounds that the older you get, the more autoimmune/immunity factors you tend to develop. He said he have "good success" with that.

In addition, the usual advice to both - no smoking, drinking and look at your diet! More good fat (fatty fish once a week, full fat dairy, olive oil, butter), less bad fat (no vegetable oil such as rapeseed, sunflower etc, marg, hydrogenated fats). And maybe somewhat contentiously, consider grain free eating (or at least gluten free), to reduce inflammation.

Google will supply plenty of info on gluten/grain and fertility, ovulation, mc rates etc. try "wheatbelly" and "marks daily apple". I'm not saying this will be a factor for you but it won't harm you at all to change diet for a while, and it may improve your chances!

Good luck!

Wow, RawCoconut, thats really kind of you and incredibly useful to know. Aspirin/folic acid on shopping list for way home shop and i dont drink or smoke and have improved my diet hugely lately to lose weight which has worked massively well (lets not mention the 'slip' fudge today tho)!

Onesleep
How dare you come on here deeming people unstable. You do not even know the op and have no right to judge people based on a mental health history. Just bang out of order and highly discriminatory

Arnie if you read my second post you will see the reasons I think the OP is not in a stable enough place to ttc . So do get off your high horse, read the thread and get a grip. There's a love.

Yes, love. And breathe.

Unless you've got any medical conditions saying otherwise (sorry, I haven't read the whole thread yet) DO IT.

But be very careful/smart about it. I conceived DS1 (and only) 7 days before my 45th birthday. We'd been trying for five years before we got lucky, and what ultimately worked for us are: conception prediction POAS and folic acid BEFORE conception (most people know about it in the first trimester - we reckon it "formatted" my body to receive conception).

DS was ultimately delivered by ECS, and turned out wonderful and healthy. I got about 90% of my health back (some joint issues are taking a while to resolve - DS is now 3! True, we're a bit creaky for parents, but we wouldn't have traded this experience for the world.

I would never advocate people putting it off until this age for no good reason, but if you want children and DP does, do it.

Best of luck.

Onesleep - even after i posted that we had discussed it before/constantly face to face but I couldnt wait to tell him decision (& my age) so texted, your 2nd post still says/insists 'you are discussing it by text' ! We didn't. Only my decision was text. And as other posters had said, age didnt matter until we started thinking babies either which is why it never came up. And now he nows he isnt least bothered.

If you had past bad relationships, then after 6months together seeing each other every day, then you would know whether its going to go the distance and he's the one, possibly sooner than that, as other posters have said re. their relationships. Sad to be so negative when someone who has had a bad time, and learnt from it, knows what they want and has finally found it. Thx Arnie123.

I recommend Zita' West's Guide to Getting Pregnant. Full of useful, easy to follow advice.

I had my ups and downs before I met DH. We knew we wanted to be together, and to be parents, so given our ages we just got on with it quickly. Best thing we ever did.

Actually I will say that I typed about the text probanly as you posted, if you look at the timings. But whether you've been in bad or good relationships, 6 months in with someone who doesn't even know your age is not a great scenario.

Eldritch And WhiteTrousserSuit thanks for such positivity and advice. Is nipping out to Waitrose downstairs for Folic Acid & Pregnacare under the guise of Departmental Biccies sourcing a Very Bad Thing ?? On Amazon now sourcing Zita West book (Boss on Leave, 'proper' work done ..) .. Partner planning a 'practicing' long weekend in Portugal..