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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be riled by this comment from a colleague?

274 replies

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 14/08/2013 12:28

Someone I manage has requested emergency leave (unpaid - for the next couple of weeks) because her childcare arrangement for the holidays has fallen through.

I said that I would bring it up with my manager as soon as I could today, but explained that it is unlikely we will be able to accommodate the request because we are low staffed anyway (what with it being August and having accommodated other people's planned leave requests) and have some big deadlines coming up. I said that we may be able to meet her halfway, but she may need to make other arrangements, and if she needed some time today to ring around that would be fine.

To which she replied "Well, there's no way I can ask my husband because he earns more than me and has the more important job".

Now, I won't take this comment into consideration one way or another, but AIBU to be annoyed by it? From our perspective, she is a well-paid, full time employee with responsibilities. It is neither here nor there as to whether in a private context she and her DH consider him to be the "dominant" worker. And from a women-in-the-workplace/feminist perspective, what hope do we have of gaining greater equality when women treat their professional responsibilities in this way?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/08/2013 20:24

And I've been through 3 redundancy processes in 8 years at work. Commitment to the job and reliability are two of the quite transparent and reasonable criteria they use.

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 20:26

Ilovesooty, do you work in HR?
You are being really insulting to Me.
Have you seen many companies get rid of people. I have. From both the inside and Top Management perspective .

I never said anything of the sort. I am sure Shed is a very good TA.
But there are many many mums, I know who think they can step into the role of being a TA. But a good TA is a totally different class. I am sure Shed is the later. I never said otherwise.

ivykaty44 · 14/08/2013 20:26

If her husband dies or leaves who will be in the important job then? And husbands do leave and sadly die and life for everyone else goes on - work is often very supportive in this situations and she needs to think on about her own worth.

Where I work we are allowed two to three days emergency cover, after that you need to have sorted something

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 20:27

I NEVER said Shed was not good at her job. NEVER. I am sure she is. Just for the record.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2013 20:28

If I have misinterpreted your post, Oblomov it appears I wasn't the only one to do so.

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 20:31

Shed, I never thought that you were anything other than an exemplary TA.

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 20:33

Ilovesooty, first it was that it was my employers market comment . My apparently unprofessional attitude to work. Then it was Shed. What do you plan to pick on Me, over next?

justmyview · 14/08/2013 20:36

Hi Oblomov - I thought you were dismissive of Shed's role and others did too, but you've clarified that's not what you meant, so thanks for that

I disagree with the assumption from some posters on here that the lower earner must always be the one who attends to childcare in an emergency. A role can be important / inflexible, even if other roles may command a higher salary

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 20:38

Best I go to bed.

Cloudhoney · 14/08/2013 20:39

There is nothing unfeminist about valuing family first and foremost. It really bugs me when people state or imply that it is.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2013 20:39

Ilovesooty, first it was that it was my employers market comment . My apparently unprofessional attitude to work. Then it was Shed. What do you plan to pick on Me, over next?

Neither of the first two points were personally directed at you or your own personal attitude to work. I never said or implied that you personally were unprofessional. I simply responded to the point you had made.

I wasn't the only person to question your comment about TAs.

Get a sense of perspective.

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 20:42

And just for the record. I didn't mean it to be insulting. Just about everyone is -ten-a-penny

There is always plenty of people waiting to step into your job
.
I do accounts. There are any people that would love to have my job.
Dh is manager. Many people can't wait to get his job.
I work in a printing industry. They can sack someoen and have 10 people text weekly begging for jobs.
It is an employers market. Thus we are ALLl, ten-a-penny.
If you think otherwise, I and only I, think you are deluded.

I really must go, before I get myself in any more trouble.

intheshed · 14/08/2013 20:42

Oblomov there may well be other parents willing to step into the role at a moment's notice, that's not the point- if I unexpectedly need the day off the head isn't just going to grab one off the playground, say "you'll do" and shove them into my classroom, with no CRB check or training, without knowing the kids or what the class are studying. If I am off school then the kids in my class go without a TA.

And I do think I'm quite a good TA, thanks! Now if you want to discuss the fact it's undervalued and underpaid, with every tom dick or harry thinking it's just a little 'mum job' that's a whole other thread...

ilovesooty · 14/08/2013 20:44

Well said intheshed

flowery · 14/08/2013 20:57

If everyone is dispensable and ten a penny, and no one owes their employer any loyalty or commitment, surely that is an excellent point for the argument that the OP's colleague's DH ought to be taking his turn, rather than exempting himself from even being asked because he is "too important"?

denialandpanic · 14/08/2013 21:07

I think she panicked and blurted out a stupid comment. I have a part time flexible role and earn a third of dps wage. We need my money but we would lose the house if he lost his. I take nearly all the time off/parental leave etc and always will. This probably sounds bad for my employer but I bend over backwards to do a good job, put in extra hours when needed, work in evenings when really needed and honestly am over qualified for my role and should have moved on ages ago.I stay because it's a flexible role and I enjoy the work.Part of me deep down thinks my occasional child related absences are compensated for by the fact that I'm damn good at what I do and they've got me cheap. I of course would never say this at workGrin

denialandpanic · 14/08/2013 21:09

plus I'm much More likely to be flexible for out of hours / extra work etc because I know I owe my employer that flexibility back

CommanderShepard · 14/08/2013 21:12

DH has been with his company since almost the beginning and is now very senior - so, in his words, he is 'too valuable to piss off by refusing flexibility'. Meanwhile, I'm part-time at 3 days per week so those are 3 days I really do need to be in the office because for my job, every one of those days counts.

I'm keenly aware that we're lucky that DH's company also happens to be very flexible but I really do wish it was the norm.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 14/08/2013 21:45

She sounds like a dim witted pain in the arse to be completely frank! I hope she brings something worthwhile to the team, because it's hard to see what that might be...

I booked an 8 year old into an activity camp this morning, last minute. She had a fun day kayaking/rock climbing, it cost £32 for the day and they offer full weeks for £140 (& that's in the very expensive SE). 2 x £140 = £280 - I don't believe her take home would be less than that.

Another friend just booked her 3 year old into a holiday program - she's only booked him for 2 days each week until the end of the holidays to give her a break (they could have taken him every day), again in the SE. £27 per day.

There is plenty of stuff available if you bother your arse to look.

They'll get bored...

'Tough fucking shit'... would run through my mind... 'Oh dear, that's a shame, still a little boredom never hurt anyone' would be my reply.

I would have told her to decide which of the generous offers suited her best and to let me know by the end of the day. Stupid mare.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 14/08/2013 21:46

In fact - tell her to phone me, I'll find her childcare and she can pay me a small finding fee for it! Grin

considers new business

SPBisResisting · 14/08/2013 21:47

Cloudhoney, no there;s not. It is unfeminist when people assume/expect women to have this attitude while their OHs put their career first though.

SPBisResisting · 14/08/2013 21:48

"I would have told her to decide which of the generous offers suited her best and to let me know by the end of the day"

JassyRadlett · 14/08/2013 22:04

As a manager and employer I really try to champion flexible working (apart from anything else it benefits me so I'd be a huge hypocrite if I didn't) but where it does rankle is when it's made very clear that

JassyRadlett · 14/08/2013 22:10

Ech, finger tripped.

Anyway, what rankles from the management perspective is when it's clear that we as an organisation are bearing the brunt of all emergency childcare time off, instead of it being shared between the parents (this is of course only true when there are two parents). The other partner's job might be more valuable to the couple, but that is completely irrelevant to me.

I'm the family breadwinner, by a long way, in a role that's demanding and high-profile within my organisation. DH and I evenly share flexible working and emergency childcare, regardless of role or pay, because it's part of maintaining good relationships with our respective employers.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/08/2013 22:17

She shouldn't have said that, but most people would be thinking it.

I think as a one-off you have to accept it, but advise her it is a one-off, and request that she plans more in advance next time to avoid this happening.

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