To think some modern parents make unnecessary work for themselves

[Vintageclock]

My aunt, who reared ten children and at one time had five children under four years of age (including 2 yr old twins) has just spent a day minding her first grandchild and said it was harder work than anything she had experienced before. The baby came with a list of instructions as long as your arm, a huge bag full of lotion for this and ointment for that, a rigid timetable of naps and snacks and drinks, rules about sterilising anything the child looked at, and complicated sleeping bags and play suits to be zipped in and out of.
I have seen this with a few friends as well - they can't meet you for lunch until 2.30 because the baby has to be fed at 1.28 on the dot, no one can visit between 3.00 and 4.30 because that's nap time and the baby will wake up at the slightest noise, are constantly pulling things out of their baby's hands because of 'germs' etc etc etc.

AIBU to think some mums just go over the top, obsess about every detail of rearing a child. and are turning it into an overly complicated science when previous generations managed perfectly well without half of the nonsense some modern parents go on with?

actually, thinking about it, DS will only sleep in the dark, however he was born in the middle of winter, there was snow on the ground and I think I only made it out of the house twice before my 6 week check, so all naps were in his room, in the dark (because it was dark!). Then I found in the summer suddenly he wouldn't sleep well, until I bought black out blinds. It might have seen precious that my child "would only sleep in the dark" but I didn't mean it to happen like that, it just a black out blind was the difference between us getting him to sleep 11 hours in a stretch or not sleeping for more than a couple of hours in a stretch. For my sanity, a portable black out blind was worth the £20...

It's just different though isn't it. Not all of it is better, not all is worse.

I'm probably a lentil weaver. We're ap and have lots of dc by choice - my gm and dm both find fault - dgm was a not so benign neglect parent, she was forced into a corner really. Babies had strict routine including plenty of time in the pram in the garden. The older ones chucked out until tea while they looked after the younger non-infant sibs. She tells me I'm ruining them by being there too much.
My mother only had two, she doesn't understand why we have more than that. She's more on board with some ap stuff but was very material as a reaction to my dgp lack of money and she's very pushy due to dgps lack of interest. She pulled a catsbumface when I kept working, even though my own business from home, because mothers must be at home and present or children will turn out to be drug dealers and murderers. Whereas others of her generation were actively working at keeping careers.
We are the flip side to the situation in the op - both happen all over the country.

I don't care what other parents do as long as they and dc are happy.
Will some parents be happier micromanaging? Yup but if it doesn't suit it often eases off a bit. Are some parents, like me, happier wafting about like a tit in a breeze? Yup, but we get more organized if necessary.
Will our children seek to correct the things they disliked with their own kids? Yup, probably along with a good dose of new advice, new methods or new pushes for types of childrearing. Will I get all of it? Probly not but such is life.

SummerRain Tue 13-Aug-13 16:32:41

I never had a routine of any kind with mine. They ate if they were hungry, slept if they were tired, etc. It baffled me watching other mothers rushing home at 12.14 on the dot as their baby could only sleep in their cot after having lunch at home at 12.30 exactly. Meanwhile I'd stay in the coffeeshop with my baby snoozing happily and finish my mocha calmly before strolling home at my own pace, maybe even popping into a few shops on the way.

Anyway, in my experience the parents at the extreme ends of the spectrum (either attachment parenting or very regimented) were there because they had babies who were difficult - wouldn't sleep, clingy, whatever. And frankly could do with people cutting them a bit of slack.

But OP, from the outside, any routine will look rigid and complex if you haven't thought about what's involved and each step is written down.

How about just making up one bottle of formula? It's not good enough to say "baby wants a bottle at 10:30am" but if you have to boil the kettle, let it cool for 30 minutes, sterlise the bottle (all sterlisers are different, mine involves putting it in with 200mls of water then in the microwave for 4 minutes on full power) make it up then cool it further to drinking temperature. Read the back of a formula packet and it looks really complex. Add into that time period you might need to change a baby, get them up from a nap etc and you could easily write a side of A4 for a morning's care that included 2 feeds.

I BFed DS, i remember finding the concept of formula feeding really hard work. I'm FFing DD now, and it's a lot easier now it's rather automatic to do all the various bits so the bottle is ready on time. But if you'd not done it yourself if you'd breast fed your own DCs or just hadn't thought about each step involved for 30+ years, then seeing it all written down could be rather daunting...

I have to laugh at the assumption that all grandparents have poor eyesight and stiff fingers.

One of my colleagues is a grandmother at 35 years old!

good points dontmindifIdo - plus, formula feeding has changed a bit over the years, which is another layer of complication.

I wonder if ANY generation of grandparents, ever, has looked at the way their grandchildren are treated as babies, and said 'that's much better than how we did it...'? Seems unlikely, doesn't it.

Re 'selective memory' - my mil now maintains, in all seriousness, that her kids were never shouted at, and never threw tantrums. Honestly. Luckily, other family members remember differently and react to this with huge amusement (and detailed anecdotes about shouting AND tantrums).

mewling - I didn't say that all grandparents have stuff fingers and poor eyesight.

I do think that SOME might well do. My parents do. They are in their 60s.

This is precisely why I do blw...

I was routine mum and I researched and analysed everything to the nth degree. I felt so stupid compared to laid back mums and got a lot of eye rolling. Ds just seemed to fall apart if I didn't get it just right.

It turned out that he is on the autistic spectrum. At least these days he can tell me what's wrong!

Routine was entirely irrelevant with dd. As long as she was in my arms and could breast feed when she wanted she was happy, put her down for naps like ds and she screamed the place down, so I was lentil-weaver ap mum with her. They are 5 and 6 now and we have all survived so far...:)

I didn't bother with routines. I breast fed DD and we led a very chilled existence. I wanted her to be happy and never to cry .

am I alone in thinking it's a bit of a shame that the OP has left this thread?

Dare I say... turning up, making some sweeping generalisations about what a nightmare modern parents are, how it Wasn't Like That In Her Day, getting a bit martyred when people disagree with her, then flouncing off because she's heard enough...

That's a bit Precious Grandparent-y to me!

Seriously though, shame she wouldn't stay and listen. I do think a few interesting things have been said. And not just by me

I do agree with this. But on the other hand I'm sure my parents generation thought the same about us. I was the world's worst person for travelling with everything but the kitchen sink.

With 10 children in the house - and four under five - you can bet your cotton socks your aunt had a routine. It's just that she wouldn't necessarily see it as such. I bet it went something along the lines of:

Kids up, bf youngest, breakfast older kids, school age kids off to school.
Younger kids nap, housework.
Lunch.
Kids play out (minding each other)/nap for younger again. Wash all those sheets and clothes (which are so much worse than easy care things with zips )
Older kids back from school.
Homework
Teas
Start bed times.

And I bet it isn't so different from the routine of the child she looked after today...

I am sure you are right that some modern parents make extra work for themselves, but I think some parents have always made extra work for themselves, and probably most new parents make extra work for themselves in some way or other. However, caring for a new baby is daunting and does take getting used to. Expecting everybody to act as though they have had 10 children when they walk out of the hospital is not reasonable.

Strict routines certainly aren't a modern invention.

I agree that a lot of this is actually to do with whether the baby is a PFB.

Despite no routine PFB had demands: she had a a teddy and special blanket along with a sleeping bag for bed time, she liked this toy, or that toy and only that brand of cup. She had organic cream for her bum and special bubbles in her bath, into which she could only be sunk after reading the thermometer. She had a nursery full of equipment and baby furniture and a preference on everything.

We were traveling when DC4 arrived. I don't think she has ever had been permitted a choice/preference she just tags along with the rest of us.

It definitely varies from person to person. Different styles of parenting and different views/ opinions of it. I've adopted a baby-led routine. Cue comments of 'rod-making'. Ds on the other hand has a military style routine. Cue comments similar to those of pp. New parents need to do whatever they can to survive, there's no need to judge, if it works for them, it works.

DD has a fairly rigid nap routine, but it's not forced upon her. It's her natural sleep pattern and I just encourage it.

I do plan things around her nap times where possible, but for me as much as her! I live for nap-time!!

DH has some relatives who like to make comments and digs about out routines, but I think it comes down to insecurities about their own parenting. Their children do not have bed-times at all. They are just left to 'play themselves out' and are carried up to bed at 12am after passing out on the sofa.

I prefer my way, as does DD. Children like routine!

Also just because some has '10 children' does not mean they were master parents.

I always think the big changing bags are because people like to show how much money they have spent on their little darlings.

There are a lot of rose tinted glasses round here. My granny's life was made hell by the 4 hourly feeding routine forced on her in the maternity ward. She wanted to bf on demand but they wouldn't let her so her milk didn't come through properly and she was forced to use formula. PND followed. This was common.

I'm all for nap routines that ensure 12 hours at night - only thing that keeps me sane with 2 v active boys.

OTOH, live and let live. Criticising the small stuff is so easy. Granny's motto for motherhood was Be Kind To Yourself. Wise old bird.

Rainrain - my mum doesn't think my routine I had for DS was as good as her more relaxed way of doing things with me and DB. However, DS was sleeping through (as in a full 11 hours) by 9 weeks, my Mum will tell anyone who'll listen that I didn't sleep though until I went to school... we're less routiney with DD because I'm often so busy with DS I don't notice if she's awake or asleep and it's showing, she's not really sleeping as well, might have to start being a bit more rigid... (firm believer in doing what works for you as a family, not what works for everyone else)

That's just nonsense about bug changing bags it's just a measure of how stinky your baby is.

I don't have a strict routine however if DS does not get an afternoon nap he turns into a vampire and starts biting people.

Whatever makes your life easier I say, some routines are a bit bonkers that I have come across but normally parents are doing it out of love for the child and what they think is right.