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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some modern parents make unnecessary work for themselves

275 replies

Vintageclock · 13/08/2013 16:06

My aunt, who reared ten children and at one time had five children under four years of age (including 2 yr old twins) has just spent a day minding her first grandchild and said it was harder work than anything she had experienced before. The baby came with a list of instructions as long as your arm, a huge bag full of lotion for this and ointment for that, a rigid timetable of naps and snacks and drinks, rules about sterilising anything the child looked at, and complicated sleeping bags and play suits to be zipped in and out of.
I have seen this with a few friends as well - they can't meet you for lunch until 2.30 because the baby has to be fed at 1.28 on the dot, no one can visit between 3.00 and 4.30 because that's nap time and the baby will wake up at the slightest noise, are constantly pulling things out of their baby's hands because of 'germs' etc etc etc.

AIBU to think some mums just go over the top, obsess about every detail of rearing a child. and are turning it into an overly complicated science when previous generations managed perfectly well without half of the nonsense some modern parents go on with?

OP posts:
Arabesque · 13/08/2013 16:47

So anyone who has an opinion on parenting or thinks some parents are a bit fussy is 'judgey' Judy? Hmm. Better close down this site then.

Platinumstart · 13/08/2013 16:49

No routine for mine as babies - I am firmly of the view that babies should fit around you. God knows they grow into children with complicated and demanding schedules soon enough!

MrsOakenshield · 13/08/2013 16:50

I hate the whole 'oh, I managed to bring up 10 kids without all this malarky, so everyone else should be able to as well' thing. Not every parent is the same. Not ever child is the same. Some people can be more anxious, especially with a first baby - possibly your aunt was with her first, and she just doesn't remember it. Maybe your cousin has PND. Maybe the baby was a very much longed-for, and possibly likely to be one-and-only, child which may affect how she does things.

Have you asked her how she's getting on?

For what it's worth, my cousin was very much a GF mum. When we babysat one time for her, she brought her DS over with a long list of instructions about his bedtime routine. We didn't have DC then and my God, it was such a help. He was obviously used to this routine and it all went like clockwork. She was a bit embarrassed about the list but I didn't mind at all.

Also, I don't understand why people seem to get so exercised about what other people take about with them - if they want to take a big bag, just in case, why shouldn't they? Not asking you to carry it, are they?

arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2013 16:52

You are entirely right op, but you have chosen completely the wrong forum to.post on. 90% of posters on here are totally ott, I guess that's why they are on here.
You're not allowed to say looking after babies is easy on here.

Arabesque · 13/08/2013 16:52

My brother and SIL have a friend who refused to let anyone call to the house when the baby was having a nap, put a sign on the door and took the phone off the hook. As a result the child can only sleep in total silence now which makes life quite difficult for the parents.

RobotHamster · 13/08/2013 16:52

The only thing I was rigid on was nap times and meal times, mostly because it made all the difference to how DS slept at night. Actually fitted in around nursery and adapted to their routine so he had the same nap each day, and yes, I would arrange my day around it.

Because if I didn't he wouldn't sleep at night, and with PND and anxiety made a million times worse by lack of sleep, it did nobody any favours if he missed a nap.

CertificateofExcremence · 13/08/2013 16:52

I don't personally think that sleeping bags, sterilising and a set nap routine are nonsense, quite the contrary in fact but it's whatever works for the individual parent and child that's important and anyone caring for that child should respect that.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/08/2013 16:53

90%?
What a pile of crap.

LunaticFringe · 13/08/2013 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainrainandmorerain · 13/08/2013 16:54

This isn't just about 'routine' - this is about a bigger issue in terms of getting to grips with how babies are looked after, and how gps might do this. I am emphatically not routine - I think my mil would find things a lot easier if I was! Also if I fed formula, but that's another issue...

OP, re-reading your first post, I can hear my mother's voice in the bit about 'complicated sleeping bags and playsuits to be zipped in and out of.'

Mine aren't complicated. For example, they have one zip. OR some poppers. The problem is that my mother has stiff hands, poor eyesight and doesn't help out that often, so tends to not get practice/gets confronted by a different set of clothes each time. And she struggles.

Her response to this is to blame me for my silliness in buying stupid clothes. Obvs. I think there is a lot of fear there about getting older and not being able to cope, it just comes out as 'it's not me, it's you.'

ubik · 13/08/2013 16:55

I remember leaving MIL a schedule, bag of snacks, etc etc when I handed over precious DD! to her...she, a nurse and mother of four took all this very well...

When I got to DD3 I gave her to MIL with spare nappies and a packet of wipes and charged out the door Grin

RobotHamster · 13/08/2013 16:56

I suppose it was only that one thing though, I was quite relaxed about what he ate, or where we were going, but everything had to fit around his nap or the world would fall apart.

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2013 16:56

BTW - I think it's hilarous to suggest the older "dr spock" generation didnt do routines or that routines are a modern thing! Ask your aunt, did she feed on demand, or say, every 4 hours and put the baby at the bottom of the garden in the pram inbetween? Bringing them in to change nappies at set times? Really, just because it's not her routine, doesn't mean it's crazier than the one she had.

Original poster
Vintageclock · 13/08/2013 16:57

I'm beginning to realise that arethere. Sad. I knew not everyone would agree with me but didn't realise that some people would think it 'nasty'. Oh dear.

OP posts:
ubik · 13/08/2013 16:57

I think eventually you have to have some semblance of a routine otherwise you would go mad or decide nit to have any more children

PeriodMath · 13/08/2013 16:58

I was one of those parents who wouldn't meet you for lunch at 1 if that was baby's nap time. Sticking rigidly to his schedule did not make my life harder, it made it easier. I got my guaranteed 2hrs rest, he got his much-needed sleep and we could have a nice afternoon of feeling refreshed and ready to play. No nap or a quick 30 mins in the pram on occasion simply meant a less happy day all round. So why wouldn't I stick to what worked?

I am expecting a second child soon and I'm sure I'll get through fewer Milton wipes this time and be more relaxed about lots of things but surely these things only come with experience and hindsight.

littlemisswise · 13/08/2013 17:02

I had a routine for both my DC. It wasn't rigid and set in stone, but it was there. We all had our meals at the same time every day, they slept at the same time in the afternoon and bedtime was 7:30. It worked.

I know my sister used to take the piss about it, but then her kids never sat still to eat, didn't ever go to bed they just fell asleep on the sofa and were lifted in to hers, and were quite often grouchy.

I know what I preferred.

claraschu · 13/08/2013 17:05

I hate the selective memory comments. I am not that far from having small children, and I remember everything vividly. I know perfectly well tat lots of ott mums create huge stress for themselves with their schedules and equipment.

YANBU

Original poster
Vintageclock · 13/08/2013 17:06

Can I just say again that I wasn't talking about parents who have a routine, I was talking about parents who have a rigid, very complicated, regime that they feel unable to veer away from in any situation or any exceptional occasion.

Anyway, I'm going to step away from this thread. I don't want to start a bunfight.

OP posts:
CharlotteBronteSaurus · 13/08/2013 17:07

i loved having a routine, and so did both DDs

it never killed us to have a day off from it though, and as far as I was concerned anyone babysitting could do so however they saw fit, as long as they didn't disturb me in the pub.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 13/08/2013 17:07

I think it's very easy to look back at having young children through rose tinted glasses.

Some seriously smug comments on this thread.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/08/2013 17:09

And maybe, just maybe, the complicated inflexible routine is there for a damn good reason.
I never judged the laissez faire amongst my friends, each to their own. And FWIW, mine are older teenagers now. So not so modern.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 13/08/2013 17:10

I like a good routine myself as do most of my "mum friends". I have never met a single "obsessive mummy" ever. If I have they hid it well.

Interestingly my own granny who is 90 and raised her babies in the 50s was very keen on routines and rather smug that her babies were such "good" babies and followed the routine she had for them to the letter. My mum, MIL and various aunts on both sides (mine not DCs) were the ones who spoke about having a routine a lot. Mums my own age (I'm in my 20's) dont seem obsessed about them at all. theyre occasionally discussed but not in a "I must get home because little Oscar/Matilda HAS to go down for her nap at exactly 2.30 or the universe will implode!" met a few smug mums but no where near as many as my MIL's age who is in her 60s.

Charlottehere · 13/08/2013 17:10

Op It's not a nasty thread. Get a grip people.

doingthesplitz · 13/08/2013 17:11

Also some very defensive, quite aggressive comments FRUITSALAD..

There are some irritating parents around who use very earnest expressions to describe things that parents have been doing for generations - Baby fed weaning, controlled crying etc, make a song and dance about everything and treat their parents and PILs as if they have never reared a family themselves.