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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be ashamed of my house?

110 replies

Smoothcriminals · 12/08/2013 20:23

I probably am being stupid more than anything, I hope I am being stupid. I mean how much would you judge somebody on their house?

I'm a single parent to one child and I live in a HA house. I do work by the way.

It's a nice house, it's no mansion but it's less than 15 years old, has a garden, the area isn't too bad, to put it one way it's one of the better council/HA properties. And I do feel very lucky and happy to rent my home in the current climate and have some security in my home.

But, everytime I go to friends houses, they have beautiful interiors and decorating and lovely expensive furniture, lovely kitchens and garden etc.

I've done my best to make my house nice by painting and buying what nice things I can, and I have managed to get some nice bits and pieces, and it's clean but everything is so basic.

Such as I've got really cheap basic flooring, and it's getting worn out now but I can't afford to replace it. My decorating and DIY skills aren't the best, the kitchen is old and tatty as HA only fit basic kitchens and unfortunately the previous tenants didn't look after it, so it was already tatty before I moved in. Some of the tiles around the bath are cracked, I can't do tiling and paying someone would be too expensive at the minute but HA won't replace them as it's cosmetic. Bathroom is a lovely size but it's all fitted rather strangely, so for example when you sit on the toilet the sink is right in your face, of course there's no shower, taps are all cracked but again HA won't replace as it's cosmetic.

Dc's room is nice but in my room I've got old furniture that's all falling apart.

The house just feels unloved, it's got so much potential but it needs money spending on it or someone who's really good at DIY. Even the garden has so much potential and this is something I could do, but because I'm working FT I feel as though I never get chance to put the hours in.

I don't want to bring anyone round because I feel embarrassed. I'm even worried that people might not want their kids playing with my dc if they see my house.

I know it shouldn't be like that, but people can be quite judgemental and materialistic. Plus I just get quite depressed because I'm in this great house and I feel as though it's almost going to waste.

OP posts:

cocolepew · 12/08/2013 20:26

If they are judgmental and materialistic they aren't worth being friends with.

cocolepew · 12/08/2013 20:26

If they are judgmental and materialistic they aren't worth being friends with.

cocolepew · 12/08/2013 20:27

Oops

SuckAtRelationships · 12/08/2013 20:27

Your real friends wont judge. Sadly it is true that most people judge unconsciously and I can sympathise.

thebody · 12/08/2013 20:29

I am sure it's a warm happy house for you and your child and that's fantastic.

do you have any DIY savvy friends or jobbing traders who could help spruce if up for a bit of cash?

for what it's worth I think most people see the faults and niggles in their own house while noone else does.

DwellsUndertheSink · 12/08/2013 20:30

those that mater don't mind. Those that mind don't matter.

Feminine · 12/08/2013 20:30

Fuck them then.

Can you start saving for an 'odd job man' local ones are normally a great help. You buy the materials, they get it done! :)

You can slowly get the house done that way. Its what we are doing. We live in an HA home too, it was a bomb site when we moved in. I understand.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 12/08/2013 20:31

I worry about the state of my home, we own it, but due to jobloss etc we don't have the money to decorate. We need a new kitchen and bathroom asap. I hate how tired everything looks.
But I will welcome my friends in whenever they call, as I know my friends won't judge me based on my home. They come to see me, not my kitchen.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 12/08/2013 20:31

God. No one worth anything at all would not want their dc to play with yours if they saw your house.

YANBU- I understand. However, a true friend wouldn't judge you whatsoever on your home (which sounds fine by the way!) how do you know they're not up to their ears in debt to pay for theirs? My friends live or have lived in all sorts of places- some nicer than others; we all just go round there and muck in and don't give a shit.

Hold your head up high

LovePotatoes · 12/08/2013 20:32

Hello. I didnt want to just read your post and leave it unanswered. If anyone judges you on your home and stops their children from playing with your child they are not worth knowing.
You are doing the best you can for your child so keep your chin up. A nice home is one in which there is lots of love and i am sure that is the case with your home.

Annienonniemouse · 12/08/2013 20:32

I wouldn't judge someone at all by their house. You sound a lovely, thoughtful person, and if anyone thinks less of you because of some less than perfect decor, that's their problem. Personally, I'm much happier having visitors who have less than perfect houses as they won't be judging mine. I wouldn't want someone with perfect furniture and expensive fittings anywhere near my house!

thebody · 12/08/2013 20:32

oh to add kids won't care about the house they just want friends round.

my dcs have friends in million pound houses and the local estate flats, that's the joy of a comprehensive ed and that's why I love it, and none of them care a stuff.

it's what the person is like.

soverylucky · 12/08/2013 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 12/08/2013 20:34

also, try to ignore the crap you hate. Concentrate on the positives, a bit like dressing yourself. Play up the good points.

find a 'house style' you like. Make that the first thing visitors notice! :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2013 20:35

You sound like you are judging your own house. Is anyone actually judging it amongst your friends?

MrsOakenshield · 12/08/2013 20:38

we live in what would be many people's dream house (loads of original features), but it's a sponge for money, which we don't have loads of spare, and we're crap at DIY so it's pretty crumbly and scruffy and I hate doing housework.

The thing I find with many people's beautifully decorated houses is that they are all the same, using the same colours, fabrics, even artwork. Mine might not be beautiful or expensively decorated but it's a bit more original!

As long as there's tea and cake, who cares ? Your friends certainly won't, if they're real friends.

CruCru · 12/08/2013 20:39

Your house sounds fine. I grew up in a very run down house and couldn't have cared less - my friends still liked coming round. Who are these people who would judge you for not living in house beautiful?

Beastofburden · 12/08/2013 20:39

People will only be put off your home if it is dirty.

If it is clean and simple, they will feel the love and the welcome. Have a cake baking and don't worry about it.

Some of these lovely houses aren't even deliberate, in a way. People sort of spend all that money because its the done thing. Many of them may be in debt because of it. Perhaps I am biased as I live in a very scruffy community where it is fine to look unkempt if you are a fine scholar, and having a posh car is deeply suspect. But I don't feel that having less money is a moral issue.

Can you focus on having one best room that you get some colour for- charity shop cushions, a nice throw for the sofa- and maybe keep the grass cut in the garden?

Original poster

Smoothcriminals · 12/08/2013 20:40

Not really the body I've had help just doing basic stuff like getting blinds fitted, curtain poles, putting nice pictures up, because I'm actually that crap at DIY. But it's stuff like the tiling and kitchen.

I do save a little each month, but never enough to get something big done like a shower fitted/kitchen done, even if it was just drawer/cupboard fronts replaced.

And also, even if I did manage to get a big job done, you never know with HA/council when they're going to come along with a new project and rip it all out.

OP posts:

TimeofChange · 12/08/2013 20:41

Smooth: Stop worrying about it.

Yes, some will judge you , but they will be the ones that aren't worth being friends with.

Best wishes to you.

GingerPCatt · 12/08/2013 20:43

Keep an eye on guntree and freecycle for materials like tiles and flooring or furniture. Then you can save towards getting someone in to fit things or have a go yourself after a few YouTube tutorials. DH and I don't have much extra cash so we've been slowly buying materials and doing as much as we can ourselves. Oh and you aren't unreasonable to dislike your house but you shouldn't be ashamed. If people don't like you because of a few cracked titles and worn floors, they are sucky people.

Chibbs · 12/08/2013 20:43

bugger what others think!

little things like taps etc, why dont you look on ebay? you can pick little things up like that very cheaply.

why not get some grout and put new grout between the tiles? my mum and i did my bathroom ourselves - never dont it before and it looked good.

Ultimately, if your house is clean that is all that matters.

also, why not join some 'free' adverts on facebook? i have seen some nice things going for free on our local site.

chocoluvva · 12/08/2013 20:44

I feel like you sometimes too - almost everybody who lives round this way has a nicer house.

DD went through a stage of being too embarrassed to take new friends back. (She's 16) but she's got over that now. She has two friends who are very rich - one of them has a fabulous townhouse, another small house in his garden, a house in the country and a house in france!!!!! When his mum came round once (on a business-type thing) she complimented us on our nice colour scheme and some of the crafty things we have. And it doesn't seem to put her son off.

Sometimes I take visitors in with the greeting, 'Welcome to our messy house'. There are advantages to having an ancient chewed sofa - I don't worry about spilling things on it or worry about the flooring getting wrecked. Nobody will feel uncomfortable in our house. Sometimes I feel depressed about the state of my house too, but then I think how it has some nice things in it and how people say they think my house is more interesting than many houses which are decorated and furnished trendily.

Would it help to think of a home that you remember fondly? My GPS home was extremely basic but I loved it. I don't think many people will judge you for having a slightly shabby house - they might privately feel glad that their house is better, but what does that matter? They'll be more concerned that you will treat their DC kindly and look after them well. Anyone who looks down on you for not having a beautiful home is really not worth knowing anyway.

Sorry for the ramble - hope it helps.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 12/08/2013 20:46

You could just pretend you're bohemian

Honestly, anyone who judges your house negatively isn't worth your time of day. I think confidence is key, too. If someone visits for the first time, don't apologise or explain, just offer a cuppa...

pointythings · 12/08/2013 20:50

Our house still needs work - kitchen and bathroom done, but there are still quite a few things that need doing.

Anyone who makes negative comments will be given directions to the front door, which is really not difficult to find.

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