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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know why rape is so common?

352 replies

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:00

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:43

Can i suggest we don't engage directly so as not to derail the thread?

jessieagain · 09/08/2013 23:44

Also don't know if it has been mentioned earlier, but sexual assault by women is also rarely mentioned (althought it is less common) but I think girls/women would be even likely to report this, as it would be minimised/laughed off by others.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:44

Yes, perhaps we should ignore the rape-apologist.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:45

This reply has been deleted

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quesadilla · 09/08/2013 23:45

I don't believe all men are capable of it but I think OP is right that its far more common than many people on here will allow themself to admit.

I have never been raped but have found myself in situations with men where they crossed a line surprisingly frequently and I am aware of at least three friends who have been raped.

I also think as others have said up-thread that a lot of encounters which are actually especially are not classified by the victim as such because no violence is involved or because its a partner or an ex or because she was drunk and consented to some initial intimacy etc etc.

SuffolkNWhat · 09/08/2013 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:46

CailinDana and thanks for your concern. We have spoke about sisters before under an old name of mine Smile

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:46

Also don't know if it has been mentioned earlier, but sexual assault by women is also rarely mentioned (althought it is less common) but I think girls/women would be even likely to report this, as it would be minimised/laughed off by others.

And assault on men, by both men and women, possibly even more so

jessieagain · 09/08/2013 23:46

That should say- less likely to report

quesadilla · 09/08/2013 23:46

Are actually rape. Spell check hell :(

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:48

Corrine it's worth remembering that some women are ra as a defense mechanism. I know it's infuriating but engaging will only make it worse.

MariaLuna · 09/08/2013 23:49

They in turn become the rapists of the next generation. The best way we can stop it is- as mothers of sons - to teach our male children about true respect for women and to respect their boundaries. I have two sons and I'll be putting a lot of work into that area when they are older re porn, how to treat girlfirends, initiate sex etc.

This is just so much crap - that men become rapists of the next generation. That is like saying all men are stuck in the swamp and they/we can never be civilised!

Most men do not rape!

Yes, I am a LP and have a DS, we have long had the discussion, he is 22 now, has had two serious girlfriends and I know he is an o.k. boyfriend who does not rape. (He brings them home).

Please, you are doing a disservice to all those wonderful men out there!

Most men do not rape!

On the other hand, we women have to take things in control too. I like flirting with a guy I fancy but any man who touches me up wrongly either gets a big mouth, and/or an elbow and/or a short sharp knee up in the crotch! nothing like a bit of female power!

How about teaching our daughters?! Self defense. Physical and emotional. Personally, I think it should be taught in school on the curriculum.

grumpyoldbat · 09/08/2013 23:49

frog I didn't tell my mum. I didn't forget, I haven't forgotten, I doubt I ever will I still feel his hands, feel the pain inside smell his beery breath. I didn't tell her to protect her, to avoid having to. Relive it at the time, I worried what she would do if I said anything. Everbody else I don't say because I don't want to discuss it verbally, it's a weird thing to come up in conversation and more importantly I don't want them to think badly of me.

jessieagain · 09/08/2013 23:50

Yes that is very true frogspoon

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:50

X post corrine. I remember :)

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:50

Yes that's true frogs.

However I think the dynamics are different.

Society doesn't tacitly condone grown men acting in a sexual manner towards schoolboys, for example.

GiantHaystacks · 09/08/2013 23:51

I think the millions of rape threats made on the internet give an insight into how many men would like to behave if no-one was looking. Look at WW2 Berlin or Nanjing or the war in the Balkans; if normal laws are suspended and rape is sanctioned many men will engage in it. The reason rape is so prevalent is because there are rarely consequences for the perpetrator and the reason there are so few consequences for the perpetrator is that our justice system has been established by those who are very unlikely ever to suffer rape.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:51

I think everyone should be encouraged strongly to report everything TBH. And intelligence gathered in order to catch the perpetrators (who are often repeat offenders).

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:52

grumpy, i'm sorry you had to go through that, nobody should

grumpyoldbat · 09/08/2013 23:52

maria I think you'll find if you read back the thread most of us have said that most men are decent. I certainly have.

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:55

Grumpy have you had a chance to talk properly about what happened?

No one would ever have any good reason to think badly of you. It was not your fault.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:56

I think everyone should be encouraged strongly to report everything TBH. And intelligence gathered in order to catch the perpetrators (who are often repeat offenders)

IF that were to be the case - do you think that there should be clarification on what does actually count? Considering, clearly from this thread, that there are many different opinions on this?

Otherwise, 'reporting everything' would turn into a farce IMO with probably not enough police time to deal with it anyway.

StuntGirl · 09/08/2013 23:58

Also astounded peoole think a rape thread is the time and place to skim read or just read the OP. This shit is serious. Do the thread justice or go post on a wedding thread or something. This is women's lives and personal hell we're discussing here. Not something to take lightly.

AnnieLobeseder · 09/08/2013 23:58

Rape is common because society tells us from the moment we're born that women exist to service men.

Rape is common because boys and men are taught that they are sexual beings who "need" sex and are entitled to get it as often as possible.

Rape is common because men and boys are taught that is not only acceptable, but even expected for a "horny" man to pressurise their partner for sex until she gives in.

Rape is common because as others have said, we're taught that rape is performed by bad men who jump out of dark alleyways. Not friends /partners /colleagues in "safe" settings.

Rape is common because all of the above combine so that most rapists don't even realise that they are, in fact, rapists.

Rape is common because the victim will always get a large proportion of the blame, if not all of it.

Rape is common because rapists know that upwards of 94% of the time, they will get away with it.

Rape is common because victims blaming, rape-culture denying attitudes like the ones being expressed on this thread are still far too prevalent.

grumpyoldbat · 09/08/2013 23:58

I opened up once and was asked what I'd done to cause it and was I drunk at the time. So never again, society programs people to automatically blame the victim and if there isn't an obvious way to blame them they'll dig to try and find one.