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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to know why rape is so common?

352 replies

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:00

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

OP posts:
frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:29

Cailin, a few years ago probably, I don't really remember it.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:31

If it mattered to someone I cared about e.g. a DD, it would matter to me

But if like me, it didn't matter to her, she would have not mentioned it as it had little impact on her.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:31

Count for all the people on this thread who are claiming they neither they, nor any of their friends, have ever been sexually assaulted, Kitty.

Because I don't know a single woman who hasn't had some sort of unwanted sexual contact in her life, or been victim of a crime like being wanked at, and I find it hard to believe that so many on here are claiming this for such large groups of people. The only way that can be happening, is if they have in their head a threshold of what they count as "sexual assault" and disregard anything under this. Whether what happened to them was actually illegal, or not.

I think what they are saying is not "no-one I know has ever been sexually assaulted" but "no-one I know has ever told me that they have been seriously sexually assaulted" which are quite different things.

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:32

That sounds spot on frogspoon. The fact that you would want to support and reassure her says to me that you do think an incident like this does "count" - as in, it's not something you would just brush off and ignore because it is quite a serious event. Is that fair?

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:32

Just because it was a non-event to me, it doesn't mean it would be a non-event to someone else.

GetStuffezd · 09/08/2013 23:32

But if like me, it didn't matter to her, she would have not mentioned it as it had little impact on her.
Are you actually kidding? I didn't mention my rape to my parents when I was 15. Because obviously it had little impact on me. Angry

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:33

If it affected her it would be serious, but if it had so little impact on her that she forgot to tell me, I wouldn't call it serious

GetStuffezd · 09/08/2013 23:33

Forgot to tell me?
You're a joke.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:34

Sorry, getstuffezd, you misinterpreted what I meant, see my post under yours it should explain what i meant better

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:34

This reply has been deleted

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frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:34

Ok, now you're just being rude

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:34

frogspoon you don't mention anywhere in your post of 23.28 that you would talk about the possibility of reporting the flasher to the police.

That would be one of the first things I'd think of, and would encourage DD to do so. Because it is proven that this is an escalating crime, and because as DD just saw it the reporting wouldn't be invasive for her. Would leave it up to her, obviously, but would encourage her strongly to report it.

Would you not think of that at all? Do you not see flashing as a crime?

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:36

NiceTabard, yes I did

In the third paragraph:

If she wanted to report it I would make sure that would happen.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:37

prettykitty it is not sensible to skim on threads like this.

corrine I am sorry that he did that to you and that you got no support when you told people.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:37

That's good frogs.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:39

You could try using ctrl f you fucking idiot and search my posts properly and yes I DO fucking dare to give abuse BACK to you after what you said, you victim-blaming, patronising sack of shit.

I even did it in a separate post so that my point will stand when you get that post deleted.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:39

I have no intention of reading all 8 pages Nice.

It was perfectly clear to what I was responding. Some people obviously like to purposely misunderstand - which is their problem, not mine.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:39

Because that particular crime escalates fast and men who do it are really very dangerous. The sooner they get caught the better. Such a shame girls and women aren't encouraged to report, I think there should be a campaign to get people to report "minor" offences to give a chance of catching these people before they offend much more seriously.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:40

This reply has been deleted

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CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:41

You ok corrine?

GetStuffezd · 09/08/2013 23:41

I have no intention of reading all 8 pages Nice
And why should you when it's such a trivial topic that requires no tact or empathy?

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:41

Nicetabard good to know that most people here are capable of using the forums properly and are able to use basic search functions!

grumpyoldbat · 09/08/2013 23:43

I would say that a man at work asking a schoolgirl to show him her tits while not sexual assault in itself is related to sexual assault. To me it is indicative of a man who has very skewed views of what is sexually acceptable therefore I would not trust him not to do something worse. Sadly not all rapists and those who commit sexual assault send out so obvious warning signals.

Do you want to know why I get on with my life despite being raped? My rapist hurt me physically, he took my dignity and harmed my confidence. This gave him a sense of power and pleasure. If I don't get on with my life, if I don't go to work and do normal things then I have awarded him another victory it would allow him to continue to control my life. I couldn't bring myself to report him and get him convicted but I'll be damned if I award him any more victories.

I didn't report it not because it wasn't worth reporting but because I wasn't strong enough to face the humiliation that reporting it would bring. I knew I'd be called a tart by his defence, I knew I'd never slept around but I didn't know how to prove it. I didn't want to have to justify what underwear I had been wearing even though I knew I'd been wearing bug granny knickers and he'd never have seen them had he not pulled my trousers off. Once I put off reporting on the actual night it became harder because I knew there would be less forensic evidence and I didn't know how to prove I had been intoxicated even though I knew I hadn't been.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:43

PrettyKitty, most people on this thread have read my posts. You fucking ignorant twat.

StuntGirl · 09/08/2013 23:43

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the women insisiting rape and sexual assault is not common because it has not happened to them or anyone they know.

I have never been raped or seriously sexually assaulted in my life (I have however endured unwanted sexual attention from men as have, I would guess, virtually every single woman on this thread, if not all).

I have had two friends confide in me that they have been raped. I know for a fact that not a single other person in our group knows. The shame, depression, anxiety, guilt and confusion and suicidal thoughts that engulf them is enormous.

When your friends get raped or sexually assaulated you will almost certainly never know. Read that, re-read it, digest it. And someone in your friends group right now, statistically, is a rape victim. And by your own admission you don't know it.

But hey, ignorance is bliss eh?