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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know why rape is so common?

352 replies

AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 15:00

And want to understand why it happens?

I have been raped twice, once as a 14 year old and once as a 20 year old. I'd say 99% of the women I know have been raped at some point in their lives too. Growing up I almost accepted it as some kind of right of passage. It was just something that happened to women.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine recently. She has been raped before and said she thinks its something all men have in them. She revealed to me that her husband had told her when he stayed the night at a female friends house recently he had imagined raping her.

I don't believe her, or don't want to believe her at least. I must admit my faith in men is extremely sparse and my life experiences have probably left me bitter but I do have a dad and a brother and I wouldn't want to believe they could ever be capable of being a rapist. I am disturbed by what my friend has told me about her husband and have never liked him but also know there won't be much I could tell her to make her see this.

But the fact still remains that it's very very common. If not rape then some kind of sexual abuse/assault. Aibu to want to understand why this is?

OP posts:
PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:13

I don't understand the question or comparison Calina.

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:13

Well people are saying that they, and none of their friends, have ever been sexually assaulted.

I suspected that they were disregarding a lot of "minor" things that had happened as I can't believe there are many women at all in the UK who have never had any kind of unwanted sexual contact / never had any kind of sex crime happen to them. Wanking at people, for instance, is a sex crime, even though women and girls are taught to laugh about it and not report it.

The fact that people disregard stuff (and tell others to do the same) is a huge problem.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 09/08/2013 23:14

corrine I'm so sorry that the people who were meant to protect you didn't Thanks

OP posts:
frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:14

I think inappropriate touching does count, but not being wanked at because its not touching. How can you be assaulted by someone who hasn't had physical contact with you?

Honestly I think it would be ridiculous to call myself a "survivor of sexual assault" because a guy once wanked at me and I looked the other way.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:15

But it is not a sexual assault Nice.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:16

Also nicetabard, I've looked and looked through the thread, but can't find the rape myths link.

Maybe you could say who posted it?

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:17

Was that to me wharrgarbl?

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:17

No-one is asking you to call yourself that Confused

Wanking at people is a sex crime. And one that escalates if studies are to be believed.

I think it would be good if people reported instances where strangers masturbated at them. I can't really understand why anyone would insist that this is a. not a big deal and b. not a sex crime unless they have swallowed the rape myths our society propagates hook line and sinker. Oh and that c. someone who isn't able to brush off having a stranger wank at them is over-reacting.

Massive Confused

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:18

What has that to do with sexual assault? Do you understand what attitudes like that could lead to? What was this bus-driver like with the girls and women in his life off-duty, do you think? If this was how he acted in his professional life, in his fucking job.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:19

AnneNonimous thank you x

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:20

I don't think that someone who isn't able to brush off having a stranger wank at them is over-reacting. Everyone reacts in their own way, and in my case I barely reacted at all and it had no impact. In fact I'd forgotten about it as it meant so little.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:21

Oh do calm down Corrine and have a cup of fucking tea or something.

I didn't say the bus driver sounds like a stand up guy - hey, do you know his number as i'd like to have him round?

I asked what it had to do with sexual assault. It was not a sexual assault - fact.

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:22

What has that to do with sexual assault? Do you understand what attitudes like that could lead to? What was this bus-driver like with the girls and women in his life off-duty, do you think? If this was how he acted in his professional life, in his fucking job.

Sorry Corrine, I'm confused, whose post were you replying to?

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:22

So frogspoon if a dd of yours said someone wanked at her, what would your response be?

I asked that question kitty because you're implying that just because you wouldn't report a bum slap to the police it doesn't count.

Frogspoon it's perfectly fine if you don't consider yourself a "survivor," we're not telling you how you should feel about it. The fact is the man that wanked at you committed a crime. By minimising it and saying it doesn't count you're contributing to the attitude in society that women just have to put up with being totally disrespected by men.

jessieagain · 09/08/2013 23:23

I agree that sadly it is too common and the reported stats are just the tip of the iceberg. :(

I strongly disagree that most men are rapists or capable or rape.

I think that only a minority are, but they commit many more than one rape/assault over their lifetimes.

I strongly agree ab

NiceTabard · 09/08/2013 23:23

Being wanked at: doesn't count
Having arse groped: doesn't count
Adult man (at work) trying to bribe 14yo girl in school uniform into showing him her breasts: doesn't count

Any more? Grin

I am starting to understand why some people don't believe there is any problem in our society with sex crimes. All you haveto do is say that all except the absolute worst examples don't count. Excellent, job done! We need to post this on the webchat with Kier Starmer.

jessieagain · 09/08/2013 23:24

I agree that sadly it is too common and the reported stats are just the tip of the iceberg. :(

I strongly disagree that most men are rapists or capable or rape.

I think that only a minority are, but they commit many more than one rape/assault over their lifetimes.

GetStuffezd · 09/08/2013 23:24

Maybe you were able to brush it off so lightly, frogspoon, but wouldn't you say it's best treating ALL incidents like that as sexual crime...you know, for the benefit of those who aren't able to brush it off so easily?
And just maybe if offenders thought there might be some consequence to their actions, they'd think twice about doing it.

CailinDana · 09/08/2013 23:26

Also frogspoon you didn't forget it otherwise you wouldn't be talking about it now. It may have only lasted a few seconds but it formed a clear memory in your mind. How long ago was it?

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:26

But count for what exactly?

A bunch of statistics on sexual assault - to be thrown there into the mix, along with pinning down, groping, all the serious sexual assault?

frogspoon · 09/08/2013 23:28

Cailin I don't have any DCs yet, but hope to in the future

I guess I would want to reassure her that it wasn't her fault and it was nothing she did/ how she looked/ dressed etc that made her responsible

I;d want her to know that however she felt about it was ok i.e. if she was upset/angry/horrified she had every right to be, but if it didn't really affect her, that is ok too because everyone reacts in different ways to these things.

If she wanted support, I would do my best to give it to her. If she wanted to report it I would make sure that would happen. But if she just wanted to forget about it and get on with life, I would respect her decision to do so.

PrettyKitty1986 · 09/08/2013 23:28

Nice - I feel like I am in an alternate reality or something.

Are we talking about the same thing? Do you understand the definition of 'sexual assault'? Because you consistently refer to things that categorically, factually are not sexual assaults Hmm

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:29

"PrettyKitty1986 Fri 09-Aug-13 23:21:35
Oh do calm down Corrine and have a cup of fucking tea or something"

Wow. Okay, I will. That'll make disclosure of sexual assault aged thirteen (same age as my DD is now) make me feel miles better. I'll get a grip as well, shall I? Man up and all that. Thanks.

CorrineFoxworth · 09/08/2013 23:29

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GetStuffezd · 09/08/2013 23:29

So the fact you'd give her this wealth of advice kind of indicates it's not such a minor "non event" as you previously made out, or presumably your advice would have been "it's nothing, get over it."