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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared of giving birth

112 replies

Holly94 · 09/08/2013 13:00

Probably am BU as I know it's a bit late in the day to be worrying about this but I bought a week by week pregnancy book. I made the mistake of looking in the giving birth section. I'm 15+1 so got a good 25 weeks or so (hopefully) to go just yet, but I'm now terrified.
It gave really detailed description of how you can feel burning, searing pain etc.
I'm scared of all the things that can go wrong too! And do episiotomies hurt?!

OP posts:

Sangelina · 09/08/2013 13:04

I don't know and can't be any direct help, but I'm currently 21 weeks with my first and I'm a little apprehensive to say the least! I think part of the trouble is that everyone tells you about their awful birthing experiences, but I've not been told one good one. Someone must have had a nice experience?

Suddengeekgirl · 09/08/2013 13:05

NABU!
Giving birth is scary! BUT it is manageable and with supportive DP, MW, etc can be done.

I have no idea about actually squeezing a baby out as ds got stuck so was emcs and then dd was elcs.

I would suggest talking to your DP, MW, antenatal classes and a friend who has dc too. They'll all tell you different things, and will be able to help put you at ease or mentally prepare for different eventualities.

Good luck! Having a baby is scary but not impossibly so! :)

peppinagiro · 09/08/2013 13:06

Don't be! I gave birth 6 weeks ago, and it was a pretty 'difficult' birth where everything happened the opposite of my birth plan, but at no point was it not manageable. You never get more pain than you can handle. I tore really badly, and genuinely had no idea until they told me. I'd recommend a really good book called 'the good birth companion' which tries to take some of the fear out of birth. It really helped me to go into it all with a positive, can-do attitude - at 15 weeks I was feeling just the same as you. You can do it - millions of much wimpier women do (is what I kept telling myself!). Good luck! X

Suddengeekgirl · 09/08/2013 13:07

Oh and as far as 'good' experiences go from my antenatal class everyone has their own trauma to share BUT we all have dc2 or 3 now so it any have been that bad! :)

Hooya · 09/08/2013 13:10

YANBU!

I am f**king terrified, having an ELCS partly because of it, which I am also terrified of! However I would say that now at 34 weeks, I'm a lot less scared than I was. It does get better as you start to feel your baby move and get more excited about meeting him / her. And get totally fed up of lugging your massive belly about, too...

monal · 09/08/2013 13:10

I was also a bit scared in the back of my mind what with people saying it's the most awful pain ever, and not having had any other major pain to compare it to; I really didn't know what to expect. I had a twenty hour labour, contractions hurt, but I just got through each one, you can feel them peaking and know they're going to be over and you'll never have to deal with that particular contraction ever again. The sharp pain with crowning means it's almost over which is a bonus. I didn't have an episiotomy but I tore, and I couldn't tell at all that I had. And then I had a baby! Labour for me was such an animal experience that I wasn't really thinking in terms of excruciating pain, on the day I worried more about getting stitched up afterwards .

shellandkai · 09/08/2013 13:11

Awwww op I know how you feel I'm currently 31+1 so not got long left myself but unlike you this is my second think of it this way, if it was that bad why do women go on to have more than 1 baby? It does hurt I'm not going to lie but once baby is in your arms the pain is nothing honestly. Don't worry as you still have a while to go just enjoy this time while you can

PollyPlummer · 09/08/2013 13:11

Honestly you will forget about it by the time your dc is 18 months or so and be ready to try again.
My dts are 3 and I am convinced that labour was a walk in the park
I think most people are scared of birth during pregnancy - even on the 2nd 3rd etc. time. Its normal to shit yourself - literally sometimes.

Pigsmummy · 09/08/2013 13:12

My experience was positive. I didn't have gas and air until 9cm. My advice is to try upright, pacing or in a pool for as long as possible. Try a birthing yoga group? (I will next time).

YouStayClassySanDiego · 09/08/2013 13:12

There's no point denying that it's painful.

The thing is, by the time you reach the end of the pregnancy you'll be ready and prepared , research everything about pain relief, what sort of birth you would like but keep open minded and don't get taken in by anyone else's experiences regardless of what they say..

It's a boring fact but those of us who have given birth the first time go on to do it again and again.

freemanbatch · 09/08/2013 13:13

you are not at all unreasonable to be scared of giving birth, just because you can't avoid it doesn't mean it can't scare you and, as you've probably discovered by now, everyone you speak to has a horror story to tell you just to help you feel better I was really worried the first time because of all the stories I'd been told and all the things I'd read but when you end up at the point of giving birth your body will know what to do, it might take its time and it might be frustrating but it knows what to do and there are lots of different options for the pain.

My advice would be to read only as much as you need to and to ignore anyone who wants to help by telling you their story

UnexpectedStepmum · 09/08/2013 13:18

I had a great birth with DD2, no pain, no drugs, no cutting or tearing. I did hypnobirthing which sounds a bit hippy but is really about relaxation and yoga breathing. I totally recommend it, pm me if you are interested. I also recommend refusing to listen to trauma stories, fingers in ears and "la la la" if necessary!

Wearytiger · 09/08/2013 13:21

I gave birth vaginally twice. Absolutely fine both times. YANBU to be concerned BUT please remember the media portrayal of birth is really worst case scenario stuff. I had an induction and epidural etc first time around ... I felt absolutely no pain at all. In fact I hardly felt anything and was a bit out of it, I don't recommend it necessarily but just remember it's an option if you want to take it, for most women most of the time. Second time I wanted my epidural but the anaesthetist was busy so I had to wait until I was almost ten cm dilated. So I went through almost all of labour with just gas and air. I could talk throughout, I wasn't in terrible pain or anything like that, it was just like a really awful period. I did get my epidural after that - I am lazy! Why suffer if you don't have to, is my motto! - even though I think the midwife would have preferred me to just push baby out on my own. Anyway, again absolutely no pain whatsoever after the needle went in.

So my message to you is that pain relief is there if you want it most of the time. Of course there are instances when a woman's wishes get overridden for medical reasons. But that's quite rare. Please try not to worry and look into hypnobirthing if you're anxious!

StarlightMcKenzie · 09/08/2013 13:22

Hypnobirthing isn't for earth mothers, it is for terrified control freaks.

Earth mothers have no need for hypnobirthing.

It's best to plan to rely on your own inner-resources because the interventions that are there to help, aren't ever guaranteed and if you suddenly decide you need them and they aren't available you're in trouble.

pianodoodle · 09/08/2013 13:23

I think it's normal to be anxious! I didn't read any books - just went in with the attitude that i'd figure it out and do whatever felt right. I don't know if that's the recommend approach though

I think, nearer the time you start feeling more "ready" to give birth and not as scared because you can't wait to get rid of the big heavy bump!

quesadilla · 09/08/2013 13:24

YANBU. I am totally tokophobic and I think its fairly common. It is, after all, probably the most painful thing which will happen to you.

But as other have mentioned, its manageable, you'll get through it. Depending on whether you are using pain relief or not you will be able to medicate a lot of the pain away or, if you're not, use other strategies to get through it.

I'm not going to tell you it wasn't painful because that would be a lie. But it was, oddly, more manageable than I was expecting.

pardonmytits · 09/08/2013 13:25

As others have said, there is no sense in us telling you it isn't painful. It is, but it is manageable. I did hypnobirthing, which did help me relax and breathe through the contractions. Everyone is different though, and everyone's labour and birth experience will be different.

On the episiotomy subject, I think I was given a local anaesthetic down below beforehand, but I'm a bit hazy on that. I was numb when they stitched me up though.

Don't terrify yourself with scare stories or whatnot, you won't do yourself any favours. Educate yourself on the necessities and let anything else wash over you.

UnexpectedStepmum · 09/08/2013 13:26

Er Starlight - sorry but that's nonsense. Hypnobirthing is for anyone who aims for a calm, positive birth whether intervention is needed or not. Telling OP to just be an earth mother is not exactly helpful.

pianodoodle · 09/08/2013 13:26

I think squatting on the edge of a couch when DD came out rather than being flat really helped as I didn't tear on the outside at all and I was more worried about that than anything else!

I did tear inside a bit as she had her hand over her face but I didn't feel it at the time.

StarlightMcKenzie · 09/08/2013 13:26

Yep. From 35 weeks, all the relaxing hormones kick in plus the amnesia ones and you start to not care so much. Not to mention the discomfort of being so big being on balance, more annoying than the thought of giving birth.

SunshineMiddle · 09/08/2013 13:26

I am currently 32 weeks so it's fast approaching for me. I have been doing yoga, lazy daisy birthing classes (combines breathing, birth education and relaxation and visualisation to help with contractions). Also doing natal hypnotherapy. Just feels that these are some positive things that I can do to try to prepare rather than let my mind go into a spin with panic.

pianodoodle · 09/08/2013 13:27

What's an Earth Mother btw?

StarlightMcKenzie · 09/08/2013 13:27

Where did I tell the OP to be an earth mother?

StarlightMcKenzie · 09/08/2013 13:28

And you can have a calm birth without hypnobirthing!

FrigginRexManningDay · 09/08/2013 13:29

YANBU and sometimes people are far too forthcoming with their birth horror stories,especially to nervous first timers. Giving birth is painful but,to me anyway, it wasn't a Omg-Im-Dying sort of pain. Even in the last couple of hours of labour I was quite socialable in between my contractions (and had a sort of love affair with the gas and air for my contractions).
A supportive birth partner and midwife can make a world of difference too. I read a book called The Fat Ladies Club when I was pregnant with my first and it really normalised things for me,more than the practical books.

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