To be scared of giving birth

[Holly94]

Probably am BU as I know it's a bit late in the day to be worrying about this but I bought a week by week pregnancy book. I made the mistake of looking in the giving birth section. I'm 15+1 so got a good 25 weeks or so (hopefully) to go just yet, but I'm now terrified.
It gave really detailed description of how you can feel burning, searing pain etc.
I'm scared of all the things that can go wrong too! And do episiotomies hurt?!

But catinabox, hypnobirthing is all about following your instincts. Nothing your midwife has said in any way contradicts hypnobirthing principles. There's nothing complicated about it.

BTW people tend not to talk about non-traumatic birth experiences because they almost immediately get labelled as smug/superior/uncaring. Only very few of them are, but it gets a big reaction, so they keep quiet

YANBU to not be delighted at the prospect. It is beyond fucking awful, let's be honest.

There's no point stressing unduly about it now tho. It will come, and it will be awful, but it'll soon be over in reality amd then you can forget all about it until next time.

Have you read the recent threads on here about positive birthing stories, and also about things that hurt more than labour?

Sometimes people with traumatic stories feel a strong urge to tell, while those of us who were fortunate enough (and prepared enough - though no amount of preparation can guarantee an outcome) to have a good birth, are sometimes a bit hesitant to share as (1) you sound smug and (2) it's a pretty boring story.

Honestly, my birth was less painful than the time I burnt my hand with boiling water. I was definitely lucky, but it also helped that i did plenty of prenatal exercise and prep - if you're not into the idea of hypnobirthing, yoga also helps with breathing abd calming exercises. Like a previous poster said, it comes in waves, and I found it helpful to imagine myself bobbing up and down in a a boat. By the time it got really intense it was close to the end, and there was no tearing at all. I came out of the delivery room telling DH I could do it all again.

... The first three weeks, on the other hand, are what I really should have been dreading! Sometimes I think that the focus on birth anxiety is just to stop us all thinking about what it's like to suddenly be responsible for the continuing existence of a tiny chaotic person who needs feeding every 2 hours at minimum and doesn't know day from night!

Youstay. Isn't it better to be told the truth so that you can plan for the eventuality? The drugs AREN'T there for the asking. They are available if it suits the policies, staffing levels, anaesthetist, the MW's perception of how you are coping etc.

Isn't it better to know for example, that the Edgeware Birthing Centre has 80% of the UK's waterbirths there, and that they only have 3 rooms, demonstrating that a good number of people that want or think they are going to have a waterbirth are subsequently disappointed?

The more information and truth the OP has, the better prepared she can be, the more in control and the better able to cope.

Reassuring yourself that you'll just roll up at first contraction, ask for and be given an epidural and read a book until the baby pops out might be a plan you can then follow through with, but if not and you haven't booked a tens, practised breathing, learned Hypnobirthing etc. then you have nothing except panic.

It doesn't have to be painful, in the sense that you can opt to medicalise it and for instance have an early epidural.
My first birth plan was TENS machine, epidural.....all went to plan (I was induced as big baby) except it ended up as ventouse, episiotomy(cut), forceps....it was not an experience I would willingly repeat hence having an elective C-section for my second but pain was kept to a minimum by the epidural. The main issue in recovery was being exhausted.

My sister and I were pg at the same time. She was nervous about the birth and I really wasn't that bothered. In the end I had a rough time whereas my sister's labour was relatively quick and easy, so in my experience being nervous is probably a good thing! Good luck and think about how lovely it will be to meet your baby instead of the bad bits.

OP, I feel the same (am 32 weeks) but I'm now blocking out and ignoring anything anyone says which is scary or negative or unhelpful. Our bodies will take over and do what is natural; and whatever happens, it'll be over. Relax and enjoy your pregnancy. And take whatever pain relief you need!

And Starlight, please consider your motives for posting what you have said. Anaesthetist might not be available? That's like saying you might get hit by a bus! Of course it MIGHT happen, but you don't sit there and make a plan in case that happens! OP is looking for reassurance. If you can't give any, then say nothing.

Epidural isn't the only pain relief option. I love seeing the cot on wheels just ready for my baby too

Bree If I can't lie say nothing? Are you sure that is what you meant to say?

Many many many hospitals have no anaesthetist available at certain times and in lots of London hospitals they are shared with other departments such as A&E. Some maternity units don't have any at all.

An epidural is not something you can be certain to get and it is worth preparing to the best of your ability techniques to help you cope with that, even if it is switching to another hospital to improve your odds, going private or simply having a homebirth where it doesn't then cross your mind as an option.

What are your motives in using platitudes and reassurances about things you have no power to ensure is delivered?

Y'know what, it does hurt. But - barring any actual problems - the pain is over quickly enough and I certainly forgot it with the lovely new baby snuggles that followed.

I've experienced birth with no pain relief, just using the pool. That was amazing because although it hurt like hell, I was very chilled out thanks to the fab support I had from my midwife, mum and birth partner. I've also experienced a much more stressful birth that really freaked me out but the drugs I had were just miraculous. I had an epidural with dd and it saved my sanity, although on reflection I wish I hadn't had it and instead had been able to calm down out of the panic attack I was having (long story). With my last, I got to the panicky stage again which ramped up the pain, but the (amazing, lovely, wonderful) midwife suggested pethidine over the epidural I was howling for and that zonked me out just enough that I managed to go from 4cm to fully dilated and pushing in 20 minutes and I don't remember a bit of it!

All you can realistically do is keep an open mind. Write your birth plan with the awareness that sometimes things happen in a way that you can't account for and that means stuff has to change. Also consider the NCT antenatal classes; I found their B.R.A.I.N. acronym very useful when it came to putting forward my opinion about stuff the midwives wanted to do during my labours.

She wants reassurance. You feel the need to ignore that and say ah but what if this or that happens? In what way will this make her (or me, also a bit scared) feel better? And yes, thank you, I did mean what I said. Don't lie, though-just don't post anything. You're not actually required to post anything on here.

Starlight your posts came across as abrasive and a bit mean spirited.

There are quite a few options for pain relief OP.There's the TENS machine,low level pain killers,pethidine,diamorphine,gas and air,epidural,water. Have an open mind,see how you go.

Actually, starlight, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh. Blame hormones! Maybe you just look at things differently. I need to be told it'll be ok; not "here are all the bad things which could happen, just hope they don't happen to you." I know about them; but I also know they're very unlikely so to have someone put them in my head makes me more afraid. Perhaps you're more direct (not sure if that's the right word) than I am. In my birth plan I have asked that the MWs chat and make me laugh and distract me, because if people tell me things are going to be ok, I believe them. :) And I don't see what's wrong with a bit of reassurance.

OP, it'll all be fine. :) You're stronger than you know.

YANBU to be scared. It's a very scary experience to be in any situation you haven't been in before that involves any type of pain or discomfort.

I didn't give birth vaginally as had some complications but began to get contractions. They weren't pleasant but I can honestly say I was thinking more about the baby and how she was get on inside me than my own pain. I also did some deep breathes and counted, which really helped.

Complications aren't nice either but I assure you they keep you in the loop on what they will do, how they will do it and why they need to do it. I had to have a bunch of needles inserted into me when my BP went sky high. They were so good in explaining to me and my DP and even apologised when blood went on my dressing gown! They explained why they were doing everything and honestly again all I could think of was that baby was OK. I didn't panic, because I knew that wouldn't help but listened to their practical advice. They explained what would happen if it went back down, they also explained what would happen if it didn't, so I wasn't left with any questions at all.

I needed a EMCS in the end or the one that is between planned and emergency, grade B or whatever it is called. I got in within half an hour and had a spinal so was awake and my baby was OK and I was pretty much OK as soon as afterwards, as was also on medication (I had pre eclampsia). My little girl was fine and although a tiny bit small (6.6) she was absolutely fine! I was just so happy when I heard her first cry it would've been worth any amount of pain.

Just think to yourself it may be painful, it may be very uncomfortable and it may not go to plan but if it was so traumatic (in general - as obviously if something bad happens to someone it can lead to long lasting trauma) then mothers wouldn't have other children afterwards. It's not nice at the time, but 24 hours later it seems so worth it and you'd go through it a million times to have that little baby girl/boy snuggled into you.

I had two babies with gas and air, one with forceps. I think keeping calm and breathing in a pattern (in two three four, out two three four) kept me going throughout. There was a woman across the hall and she was shrieking and I remember thinking how much worse that would feel.

The other thing which nobody had told me and I hadn't read, either, was that you will feel that you want to go to the loo when you're pushing. And the last thing is, when you push, take a massive breath and push for as long as you can, rather than taking smaller breaths and smaller pushes.

I disagree that "hypnobirthing is for terrified control freaks". If anything, hypnobirthing helped me to relax and let my body take over and do what it was meant to do.

I did hypnobirthing and found it brilliant for keeping me calm during pregnancy (not as much as I'd hoped during the birth but figure that was because it was my first & I'm sure I'll be better next time!).

It's not everyone's cup of tea but the Marie Mongan book is worth a read, even if you don't follow it up with classes etc. Some really nice, sensible chapters that just normalise the whole thing.

Oh, and I never watched a single episode of One Born Every Minute - figured ignorance was bliss (and I'm sure they only show the dramatic births, calm ones don't make for good TV!)

They aren't pain relief though. They are pain management aids and usually require the user to use other practised or coached techiques alongside such as positioning, breathing, visualisation etc.

I'm not sure what is mean about pointing this out. Not doing so risks the OP becoming debilitated by her fear instead of empowered with confidence about her options regardless of hospital policy, staffing or any other environmental factor.

So what IS for terrified control freaks if not hypno birthing?

I was most worried about tearing and episiotomies. With DS1 I had an episiotomy and didn't feel a thing. I tore with DS2 and again it was nothing. Didn't feel it as was pushing.

The thing that is really painful to the point of being unbearable is the contractions when they get really close together. But then you can have drugs if you like!

Don't get beaten up about having drugs if you want them. Why have the pain if you don't have to? My first birth I had everything going, my second I had nothing at all. It's not a badge of honour to have a drug free childbirth- it's LUCK.

YANBU to be scared. However, once it all starts and you are in the full swing of things you just sort of get on with it. Mine was very painful, but I was so focused on getting the baby out (he did t want to budge!) that the pain sort of becomes irrelevant. Not at the time I guess, but in hindsight - I am not explaining myself well at all. Basically, don't be scared as the overwhelming chances are that you will be just fine and you will be able to handle the pain.

Can't say about the burning 'ring of fire' bit as I ended up with forceps/episiotomy in theatre so did t feel a thing with that bit......

I had a long and challenging birth, ending in EMCS. Yes it was painful, yes I was exhausted, and I believe I did ask the consultant to take the baby out then kill me at one point. But the bliss I felt when the spinal block was finally administered was far outweighed by the utter euphoria of finally having my DD in my arms.

I think someone else up thread mentioned, it is productive pain. The only time I felt I couldn't handle it was when I was told that DD was stuck and the pushing was causing her distress. Up until that point I managed fine, just knowing that, however long it took, each contraction brought me a little closer to the end result: the safe delivery on my daughter. For the most part, the pain is temporary (there is generally a gap of some sort between contractions) and has a positive purpose and (in the vast majority of cases) a very happy outcome. You will cope. Pain relief is available, take it whenever you need it. The end result makes it all worthwhile.

It's also worth noting that, if you are anything like me, by the time you get to full term, you will be so fed up of being heavily pregnant and uncomfortable that you will just want the baby out, whatever it takes.

Look, don't, please don't be scared.

If it were that bad, would so many of us go through it more than once?

As someone said upthread, walk around, move around as much as you can. If it gets too bad, take pain relief. Listen to your body and breathe!

I managed four, three of them were gas and air only.

Anaesthetist not being available is common (they are busy!) and sometimes used to bully women into having epidurals they aren't sure they want yet ('the anaesthetist is here now but won't be if you decide you want one in an hour's time so you'd better make up your mind NOW').

It is very worthwhile looking at some of the pain management techniques like breathing exercises and good positions to be in, and hypnobirthing is part of that. All good stuff to use in case you have to wait for what you do want ultimately.