To be scared of giving birth

[Holly94]

Probably am BU as I know it's a bit late in the day to be worrying about this but I bought a week by week pregnancy book. I made the mistake of looking in the giving birth section. I'm 15+1 so got a good 25 weeks or so (hopefully) to go just yet, but I'm now terrified.
It gave really detailed description of how you can feel burning, searing pain etc.
I'm scared of all the things that can go wrong too! And do episiotomies hurt?!

And Starlight, please consider your motives for posting what you have said. Anaesthetist might not be available?

I'm with Starlight Actually. My fears have been considerably reduced by being informed about the more difficult things that can happen when giving birth.

I feel really empowered knowing what to expect, both positive and potentially difficult. I have a midwife who is fantastic and has been very honest and open about the things that can be difficult and the pressures that the wards are under. I think for me the fear is the unknown. It doesn't feel like an unknown now.

I think that's just me. Have all the information. OP do talk to your #Midwife, got to a midwife led antenatal class, get all the info you can.

The unknown is scary! I was afraid with my first but I actually looked forward and enjoyed the birth of my second.

Keep in the forefront of your mind that you are going to meet your special little person for the first time ever! It is truly amazing and worth more then a few hours of effort.

Yanbu to feel this way but fearing it won't help - look into relaxation techniques for giving birth.

I think getting all the info you can about what happens in the labour ward is good too..

I think being able to relax and understanding the process and your choices and possible decisions you may have to make can help empower you when you are in a vulnerable state. Make sure your birth partner is fully clued up and understands what you do and don't want as you may want them to act as your advocate.

Yes, I remember having a panic attack too when I read to the end of my birth book when I was pregnant. It feels overwhelming and it seems impossible that you're going to be able to do it. You do though, everyone (who is pregnant) does and for 99% of women it works out fine.

My advice: get an epidural , definitely made me feel sane and lucid again after hours of agony and screaming! And you won't feel either the crowning or the episiotomy, if it's necessary, if you have an epidural.

Ps I always say - most of us go back or plan to after their first.

YANBU because our whole lives we are told how unbelievably agonising it is and everyone always wants to share their terrible birth stories with you. Even the spate of recent "positive" articles about things like hypnobirthing in the press have mentioned how for most women it's the worst pain they'll ever experience and made out that women who have pain-free or even pleasurable births are some sort of freaks

BUT

this is what your body was designed to do! My experience was that yes, it was painful at times, but, as pp have said, it was completely manageable. Plus it comes and goes, there are breaks between contractions. I have never broken a bone but I imagine that that's quite a lot more painful than labour.

I did hypnobirthing for my first, got to hospital 8 cm dilated after five hours in labour, gave birth three hours later. It was fine, not great, but fine, and the not great bits were mainly due to the MW making me labour on my back rather than all fours/kneeling like I wanted

I did Daisy Birthing classes when I was pregnant the second time and LOVED them - great combination of movement, breathing and relaxation plus lots of emphasis on feeling confident about birth. My second birth was amazing, uncomfortable at times but I have photos of me grinning through contractions :)

Definitely recommend something like hypnobirthing/Lazy Daisy/hypnotherapy CDs - google fear-tension-pain cycle but gist is if you think it's going to hurt then you tense up and that makes it hurt so you get more afraid and tense up more leading to more pain etc.

Think someone's already mentioned Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, which is amazing (first half is positive birth stories, second half is info about mechanics of childbirth); also recommend tellmeagoodbirthstory.com. Oh, and the Positive Birth Movement!

Good luck :)

Yanbu to be scared, but we are designed to do this. If it was so unbearably awful, why would women have five or six children?

I have two beautiful sons, and I'd do childbirth again tomorrow if I had to in order to be allowed to keep them.

I found giving birth incredibly intense and empowering, and was amazed by how much I could cope with... in fact I nearly gave birth in the taxi because I was waiting for the pain to become unmanageablebefore I went to the hospital! I'm not denying it hurts, . But it is a very special kind of pain.

When you stub your toes, or get a whack on the nose, it can really, really hurt, right? And that's a pointless pain. Being in labor hurts too -is like having really, really bad period pain in waves that go on for ages - but there is a "rightness" about it despite the pain... and you get to see your beautiful baby at the end of it!!!

The best cure for fear about childbirth is going overdue once that due date has past, you will be so desperate to meet your baby that you would happily pull your own toenails out.

Good luck. In a few months time, you'll be gazing at your gorgeous baby and wondering why on earth you were so worried.

IME (of two vaginal births, one spine to spine, one not) the pain is not nearly as bad as the darkest depths of your imagination can take you to during pregnancy.

I had an episiotomy with DC1, I didn't feel it - it didn't really register with me until I was stitched afterwards and even then it wasn't until my birth debrief that I really clicked that I'd been cut rather than having torn. This despite DH clearly recalling me having consented at the time.

With DC2 I tore along the old scar apparently, but again I wasn't aware of that until the obstetrician said I needed a few stitches.

I didn't feel the ring of fire in either birth, and pushing felt more like being turned inside out than actually painful as such - the hardest physical work imaginable rather than painful like a cut or a burn.

I am no hero, and I used plenty of pain relief options across my labours, including pethidine with DC1. But it was all just more manageable than I imagined it would be. I would far rather give birth again than have the nerve pain in my back I had following a car accident some years ago, again.

If you are worried about complications, maybe you might like to consider delivering in a consultant-led unit so you have fast access to the obstetricians etc., or maybe in a midwife-led unit with a consultant-led unit on site. I did, and as both DCs ended up being ventouse delivery due to their heart rates dropping during second stage, I was glad I did (both were born unharmed btw).

Finally - the pain relief options I used were warm baths, paracetamol, a tens machine, gas and air, and with DC1 only, pethidine. I also learned some mindful breathing exercises beforehand and they were incredibly helpful when the contractions became stronger. I asked for an epidural with DC1, didn't get it as there was no anaesthetist available for a non-emergency like me, and afterwards I was glad, as I hadn't needed it.

I think that the point of this ramble is to try to say that you don't have to be a hero here - there are no medals for a drug-free birth, and epidurals are not the only pain relief option available.

Op Im going to do for the 6th time next January. Of course your scared but the suggestions of hypnobirthing / relaxation classes etc are great idea & definitely help.

Best of luck...you'll be fine!

Yanbu. It is a scary thing to face but it's worth it. I've got two, my youngest is 6months and I was nervous when it was getting nearer especially knowing what I was up against but even now I'm not ruling out any more in the future! I'm not gonna lie, it hurts. I had no pain relief with number one (not through choice) & gas and air with number two but he waa 9lb11. There is a point when it burns a lot, but once they're out the relief is instantaneous and it's such an amazing feeling. Enjoy it. And congratulations!

I was terrified of giving birth with my first, a perfectly normal feeling I think because you don't know what to expect. It's fear of the unknown really.

I can honestly say that I built it up so much in my head that the reality was much easier than how my head thought it was going to and considerably less painful than I'd imagined.

Despite doing all the courses I still thought that I'd be in
agony for hours on end. The best I can describe that's the pain comes in waves. You get a break from it and Ireland builds up slowly so that you do cope. It's not agony straight from the first minute.

I tore with both my children and I had no idea at the time. I had a water birth both times and used gas and air. Gas and air is your friend!!!

Your birth will be unique but I genuinely believe it won't be half as bad as what you've built up in your head. Try not to worry x

Yanbu I have has five and was scared each time but despite that and the fact it bloody hurt I found birth to be an empowering experience and I sort of enjoyed it. It is an amazing thing, scary but amazing.

Good luck op, hope all goes smoothly for you xx

Oh and I'd do childbirth again tomorrow if my dh would let me and got pregnant again 6 months after giving birth to my first.

I've found stubbing my toe far more agonising than giving birth!

I found childbirth unbearable and massively traumatic. And I have broken my arm badly since, requiring surgery, and coped fine.

My second child was put off for 12 years and born by elcs because of first trauma, which involved no tearing or other intervention.

It can be horrid, so. But, my friends have much more positive birth stories than my first ; I think it's a very individual thing. My pain threshold for birth is apparently nil, others' is very different.

Yanbu to be scared, but it starts off slow and gentle (usually) a clenching sensation which gives way to a feeling like period pain. This builds and becomes more intense, it can feel a lot like pre-diarrhoea cramps. At the same time your back aches. Your partner applying counter pressure to your lower back helps immensely with this. As can leaning on them, swaying, it all sounds like hippy twaddle but something about the closeness makes you feel "in it together" and helps you cope with the pain. Keeping upright helped SO much, lying down was agony.

At worst, the pains come fairly thick and fast which is why it's easy to lose control. You know like when you have an orgasm and the feeling washes over you so you feel it briefly in your fingers, scalp, everywhere? Well, I found the worst contractions to be a bit like that but with pain not pleasure. But then it changes again and suddenly you feel the baby start to move down and you're ready to push.

Hopefully the panicky part should subside, you feel your body start to push the baby out involuntarily. This feels a lot like vomiting downwards. And you just help it along with your pushing, and it hurts like pushing out a big hard constipated poo. But you do it! I tore but didn't particularly feel it because the area is so stretched out, it stings and you're focused on the pushing, and suddenly they're just out, and the pain stops.

I won't lie, first time round I knew nothing so I lay down, I panicked, lost control and it was very painful. Second time round there was no way I was lying down so I spent a lot of time upright, and some time sitting upright on the bed. Through the worst contractions I chanted in my head "It's only a contraction. I'll get through this one and then I'll get my epidural" (got one eventually, got two in fact. Neither worked, and I coped fine anyway!) the chant worked. I coped. Then suddenly she was out!

It's a bit like when you stub your toe and instead of swearing and rubbing it, you say to yourself "it doesn't hurt" - it helps dial down the pain in a mind over matter sort of way. Some people count, or sing a tune in their heads like happy birthday, knowing that by the time they're coming to the end of the tune the contraction will be over, no matter how intense it is. It's good to have something to focus on so you don't start thinking in terms of time, clock watching and cervix checking and other distracting/upsetting outside factors. Hth

What James and the giant banana just wrote sounds really scary. .. But actually I agree with all of it. In particular, staying upright does help.

You'll be fine. We are designed to do this.

Is okay, really it is.

Are you coming back? I wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading this -so many scary birth stories! !! But we all have beautiful children so don't be worried in any way your body is amazing and you can do this.

The idea of giving birth never used to bother me until my medical student friend graphically described the different types of tears.

Before that my biggest concern was would I poo.

There are some things your body does and you, the thinking, decision-making part of you just basically comes along for the ride.

Being violently sick.
Having a massive coughing fit.
Getting bad hiccups.

You are obviously completely present when your body does any of the above but you can't really control it; you can accept it and ride it out whilst being aware of it all or you can struggle and panic.

There are parts of giving birth where your body just does it and knowing in advance that it's designed to do it, and whilst it will feel quite unlike anything you've felt before (imagine if you'd never had hiccups before - how strange it would feel) you can trust your body to do its thing. It will kick out waves of hormones which are very powerful and mysterious. It will cope with pain and stretching and shifting and you will feel what you have to do, whether that's stamping your feet and swearing breathing, or getting into a warm bath, or going into yourself quietly.

And there will be kind people there to help you.
And you will be looked after.
And you will meet your baby soon, and each contraction is a small mountain to climb up and then catch your breath and then scramble down, and each one brings your child closer to your arms.

I wish you a gentle labour and a calm birth.

Ps. Ina May Gaskin : Guide to childbirth is very encouraging to read, as is JuJu Sundin Birth Skills.

lovely last post ^

I have had two babies. I have an appallingly low pain threshold. I am a panicky, anxious sort of person, and am terrible in a crisis. But both births were overwhelmingly positive experiences that I remember with great happiness. They were not without their fair share of minor cock-ups, and of course there were times when I freaked out, and times when I thought I couldn't do it. But I did do it, twice, and have two wonderful children now. And you can do it too.

Well, I thought I was going to do a poo during labour and was dreadfully embarrassed but thought I had better get on with it, and get it over with. Turned out it was the baby I could feel, and not a poo. The midwife said this was a good sign, and that the baby was in the right position.

When mums say "I can't do this any more", the midwives get out their post-birth equipment, because they know those mums are nearly there.

I was so worried about having a poo during the birth it took my mind off the pain for a while. i thought I had but like you say green my 'poo' was in fact a baby.

I completely forgot about the poo, then afterwards when I was laughing about how I'd puked and weed everywhere, DP said "yeah, but at least you didn't poo!". I was almost disappointed!

OP, it's completely understandable to be afraid, but please try not to be. It IS horrible, but like someone else said, it's a "special" pain. It's not the frightening, negative pain of an injury. It's more like really, really, really hard work. And yeah, it does really hurt, but you forget about it between contractions because it is all so exciting.

At the end when you don't get a break between contractions, thats the end, pretty much, and you can stop and thbk about all the hard work you've done, because it's almost over.

And tears happen. They are NOWHERE near the horrible torture you imagine. The searing feeling is a bit stingy. I tore up and down including my clitoris (sorry tmi) and my only reaction was "oops, hope that still works!" (It does)
honestly, it wasn't bad at all.

Whatever happens, and however long it takes, there will be an end at some point, and you'll have a baby that makes it all worth it. And you'll be looked after the whole time .

The media does like to portray birth as a sweaty scream-fest, but it isn't always like that. Mine almost bordered on quite a pleasant experience, and I was up and about a couple of hours later, and out of the hospital the next morning.

If you're really nervous, why not look into getting a birth doula?