To be scared of giving birth

[Holly94]

Probably am BU as I know it's a bit late in the day to be worrying about this but I bought a week by week pregnancy book. I made the mistake of looking in the giving birth section. I'm 15+1 so got a good 25 weeks or so (hopefully) to go just yet, but I'm now terrified.
It gave really detailed description of how you can feel burning, searing pain etc.
I'm scared of all the things that can go wrong too! And do episiotomies hurt?!

Of course you can. You can also have a hypnobirth without being a terrified control freak.

I felt like you OP, really scared, but as I got nearer her due date I just wanted her OUT!

your body knows what to do. Ignore the horror stories. BUT - when you come to write your birth plan, bear in mind that it might not happen like that. And, and I wish someone had said this to me, prepare for the possibility that you might end up having a c section. I did and it kind of took me by surprise, because all along when thinking about giving birth, I'd always subconsciously thought it wouldn't happen to me, but it did.

I was fine btw! And you will be too. Congratulations, and enjoy your pregnancy

Not sure whether YABU or not as you have loads of pain relief options if you want them and giving birth is really awesome in that you get a baby at the end.

I had an episiotomy so didn't get the full crowning experience. Contractions are intense but only for a few seconds at a time. As soon as they get to the point where you're thinking woah, this is crazy they start to subside again.

I found it really helpful to count during contractions, I knew by the time I reached 15 or whatever it would start to get easier again.

Yes, it's scary and it hurts. but I felt that something took over me and I just got on with it, my body told me what to do (and so did the MW!!).
And you always know that the pain will end, it will not go on forever.

Listen to the advice you are given and take pain relief, no need to try and 'be brave'...childbirth is painful which is why pain relief exists. that's my motto and I stand by it.

I did not have chance to prepare myself to labour as such because my DD was early and in a way that was good, just had to get on with it. To be honest with you, I did panic, I got angry, I cried, I shouted, maybe even screamed a few times...and all the while I had a MW and my husband supporting me. 2nd time round my DH missed the birth, DS was a quick one.

I have had 2 babies, the first time didn't scare me off.

I am old and my oldest is 14. I was in labour with him for 24 hours. DS2 arrived in 35 minutes.

I wouldn't make too many plans regarding intricate details of the birth, and be disappointed if it doesn't go that way.

Either way, the baby will arrive, and it will be over one way or another. If I had my time again I would have focussed more on preparing for the post birth stuff, and managing the first 6 weeks with a newborn. Stuff you have a bit more control over.

But as I say I am old and things may be very different now. People are very interested in prams now and they didn't used to be.

Please don't be scared.... I spent so many years being scared I nearly missed out on motherhood, and on the day it was fine. The pain felt manageable if that makes sense, and I actually enjoyed the feeling in a strange way. I'd do it again tomorrow. Your body kicks out a whole load of hormones to help you through it so you feel high as a kite when it is over. As for the overwhelming feeling that hits you when your baby arrives- there are no words.

I didn't do hypnobirthing, or classes, and I was still able to feel calm on the day. My only tip, relax your neck and shoulders when pushing. I didn't and tore a chest muscle. That hurt more than the stitches!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy those little kicks, and look forward to your baby arriving.

You can, but there is a lot less need imvho.

The people who seek out hypnobirthing are often the ones who are scared of losing control and it gives them something to focus on, some rules to stick to, and techniques to help them relax where they might initially find it impossible to listen to their own bodies due to fear, stress and confusion.

Which is why it is important to point out that it is not reserved for earth mother types who often don't much need to learn those skills.

I'm prepared to go through it a 3rd time. Although my first experience was the type you don't want to know about, it still had positive moments, and I felt able to go through a VBAC rather than choose a CS.

I had some anxiety issues when pregnant the second time and my MW arranged for me to see a mental health specialist MW on labour ward which gave me chance to visit the environment in a calm way which helped a lot. I also got my natal hypnotherapy CD out again, and bought the birth companion which was played on loop through labour. Despite being monitored (which prevented my first choice of water birth) I managed to get "comfy" on a birthing ball, and the soothing voice on the CD kept my mind in the zone where I could deal with a back to back labour by breathing through with the G&A. It wasn't quite the perfect ending, but was still a deeply rewarding experience, and I was euphoric for 24hrs after that I finished off the job.

Pregancy yoga was also good preparation.

If I had to choose that labour or one of my worse period pains, I'd go for the labour!

The final month of pregnancy exisits so you just want the birth over and done with! Yes it is worth it to be able to roll in bed and get off a sofa without assistance.

It is incredibly painful but that is why there are drugs available. You won't receive a medal for having a drug free labour, take anything you need to get through it. I wish someone had told me this, I only had gas and air with my first and found it to be horrifically painful. I had an episiotomy too, this didn't hurt, if anything it brought huge relief! I ended up with an emergency section with my second and could have kissed the anaesthetist when he took the pain away! If I ever attempted another vaginal birth I would have an epidural as early as possible.

But drugs aren't necessarily available.

And if they are, they don't necessarily work.

Starlight your last two posts may not be helpful to the OP who has admitted she's anxious .

You're not being particularly reassuring.

YANBU but the thing I realised after DD1 is that giving birth is just a tiny part of the whole thing.

I obsessed about the birth part throughout my pregnancy, and then once I had the baby, had no clue what to do with her!! I'd focused all my resources on preparing for her birth.

Educate yourself within reason, think through the things which are important to you, but try and see it as just a step to the next bit, not as this overwhelmingly important event in and of itself.

I think you have to assume that the drugs will be available and will work. Don't worry about any other scenario at this stage.

I had gas and air with DS1 but didn't get the hang of it. I didn't know you could breathe in and out down the tube, so it didn't help as well as it could.

With DS2 a midwife told me and bingo! it worked brilliantly.

I second Pigsmummy, especially the yoga, breathing, upright stuff. I was too scared to give birth to my first and had an elective caesarian. Second time around, thought.. This is ny last chance @ 42 so give it a shot. It was THE best thing I've ever done. I had to be induced but the breathing and upright position meant I didn't need anything at all for the pain (and I'm not anti pain relief at all). There was only once that I thought 'shit, this hurts and that was a stretching of the skin but wasnt around the vagina, more the skin around the clitoris. It lasted about four or five minutes. Once the head was out, the searing pain stopped. I remember thinking when dd2 was out, oh... That was fine. I want to do that again! So it can t be that bad! Plus, you're on such a high having done it. I think the thing to do is try not to be scared as you ll tense and hurt more, work with your body and try and stay upright as much as possible. I think I actually enjoyed giving birth.

I had The Fear as well. It's counterproductive when you get to doing it though; I tried hypnobirthing from about 34w on, had 4 sessions initially and then had another when I was 1w overdue. It helped ENORMOUSLY - took so much of the fear out of the whole thing, and taught me to trust my bod to do the job, which luckily it could manage.

So I strongly recommend hypnobirthing to help!

Don't be scared it makes it worse, just take it stage by stage and if you need pain relief that's what it's there for

Try reading 'Childbirth Without Fear'. I would also second the hypnobirthing recommendation - it helped me a lot.

It's alright to be scared. I was bloody terrified. But when it starts your body takes over and does what it needs to, you can generally get drugs that will work if you want to (I'm firmly in the 'there's no medal' camp, do what you need and want to to!), and mostly you just sort of space out. Time seems to pass in a very different way when you're in labour. And what sounds horrific when you hear other people's labour stories generally doesn't feel half that bad while it's happening.

I focused on something I read by Caitlin Moran when I was in labour - this is the only good pain you'll have, and this pain has a definite end.

I'd definitely say maybe think about hypnobirthing or classes like that if you can that can offer you some strategies for coping if you feel anxious or scared during labour. And also read up on all the different forms of pain relief and on emcs's etc. That way you are fully informed and might feel you can exercise more control over the decisions you need to make during labour.

Hypnobirthing isn't for earth mothers, it is for terrified control freaks. It's best to plan to rely on your own inner-resources because the interventions that are there to help, aren't ever guaranteed and if you suddenly decide you need them and they aren't available you're in trouble

^^ this is really how i feel i think.

OP my midwife has told me that some things, are instinctive and her approach is to encourage and support women to attune to their instincts rather than teach techniques. She also encourages an active birth rather than lying down.

I think, personally for me being confronted with an array of classes, techniques, books, approaches, blah blah, can make the process of labour seem complicated, painful and incredibly overwhelming. I'm being a bit dismissive of all of that really because I think whatever happens will happen.

I went to one midwife led antenatal class and it was really really helpful just being given information about the various stages of labour, what your body will be doing and how to manage pain relief and make best use of water, hot baths, music, rasberry leaf tea !! They also talked a little bit about what kind of interventions there are if things get difficult. I felt really informed, confident and reassured afterwards.

I don't know what anyone else thinks, this is my first baby so i don't feel really able to comment to much at this point but, I'm staying really active and fairly fit. Not putting my feet up too much and not planning a lying down birth either. (not unless i have to!)

I am still a little bit nervuos OP but at this point i'll be happy just to be able to sit and lie down and breath. I've also be really really preoccupied with clothes in the last few weeks and desperate can't wait to buy a nice new dress !!

All the best OP , i hope you feel more confident soon. I keep telling myself that women have been doing this for centuries and whatever happens will happen! At then end of it we'll have lovely babies.

My memory from DS1's birth was when they wheeled the glass crib thingy in and I suddenly thought 'OMG there's going to be a baby in that in a minute and it's going to have come out of me!' And there was-and it was lovely and magical and so worth the 9 months and the pain.

OP nobody's birth story will be the same as yours but those who have said to be prepared to be flexible are giving you good advice. I managed on gas and air which was brilliant for me. I wasn't being a martyr about it either and would have taken other methods if needed. I wasn't prepared for my body knowing what to do and just went with it. I also didn't feel the tear or crowning much. By the end you'll just want your baby and the high you feel with a baby in your arms and having gone through labour is amazing. Try not to worry and to let it ruin your pregnancy. I was scared at the start of labour but once I got used to feeling contractions and coping I relaxed a lot which really helped. Have a wonderful healthy pregnancy.

"Hypnobirthing is for terrified control freaks" - what a bunch of crap.

I did it because I had The Fear. It took The Fear away. I was still mildly apprehensive about the pain, had my plans (none of which worked out as my bod failed me on the "I want to be standing up" thing) but The Fear was gone, as I knew it would be utterly counterproductive. Control freak? Nah. Just a normal person, scared of the possible pain - it still hurt, btw, I just wasn't scared I couldn't cope with it.

Best things people said to me when I was pregnant:

Your uterus is by that point the largest muscle in your body and it's fucking amazing. It does most of the work, almost regardless of what you think about it

The pain is like a wave crashing on the shore and building up again. I pooh-poohed that one, but that is what it felt like to me. I really enjoyed the time just after the wave had crashed, I felt good.

Be upright as much as you can. Basically every image of birth you will hold in your head is of a woman lying prone on her back, maybe legs in stirrups? Many midwives do encourage this, even now, although you don't have to do it. It's a very powerful picture and we've been indoctrinated for generations to see this as labour. For me, lying down increased the pain to almost intolerable levels and being upright lessened it.

And (another one I pooh-poohed and it turned out to be true for me) pushing is exhilarating. It is a different sort of pain and it feels productive. I quite enjoyed it.