To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

Oh, and as for the Vegas thing. When I mentioned that it was VERY quickly dismissed by my parents. I said can we please consider a halfway point - wherever that may be - and they said 'it's florida or nothing'. My geography is crap, clearly, but I was just throwing some ideas at them with the aim being that the flight wasn't so far for my DCs. I really don't understand how people can think the time duration of a flight wouldn't matter?

But it's NOT a halfway point. Vegas is only four-five hours from Florida. If they can fly 15 hours or whatever to Vegas, another four hours won't be a big deal.

Two hours vs 15 hours is a big difference and would support your argument more, but 15 v 19? Nope, sorry. If you can manage 15, you can manage 19.

I know that Las Vegas and Thailand aren't ideal family destinations, but Florida wouldn't be to my kids either. My kids do not like theme parks (not all kids do) at all and my parents know that. Where we live there are heaps of theme parks and we have tried them.

Just to clarify, I have no problem whatsoever with them all going on holiday to Florida together. What I have an issue with is my DPs paying for my siblings and their families and using that as a reason not to visit my DCs. I just feel like I am being punished.

Why not California rather than Vegas? Still has Disney et al.

I didn't know it wasn't a halfway point. That is what I am saying. I make the suggestion of a halfway point, such as xxxxx, and I was shot down. Obviously if they had been up for it I would have researched it deeper. My DCs were very upset when we flew interstate so any flight would upset them anyway and I would want to minimise that as best I could.

Does your DH have siblings? Much easier for his parents to visit twice a year if not, or only one. I would say that is highly unusual for most people in their situation in any case.

Could you really not look into splitting the journey and doing a stop over? Speak to your HCP's about how to help your DS cope with the journey?

You'd presumably be flying with one of the major international airlines to probably the best place in the world to take children in terms of entertainment and being equipped to deal with all sorts including kids with SN.

I can see your point to a certain degree in light of your last post, but it is still your DP's decision and tbh there does seem to be an element of cba to find a solution on your part.

But your DP's were willing to pay for you had you gone so you are not being punished.....you are choosing not to go. This is their dream holiday, maybe Vegas is their idea of hell.

Sorry, but I still don't buy the long flight as reason....13 hours is not minimal at all.

But if Florida means they can't afford to see you then they can't afford to see you. That's simply money, not a punishment. Presumably flying you to Florida would be easier on them all round than having to fork out for another trip to Australia.

If you want to see them you could offer to pay for flights to see you. Or you could go to see them. But it seems you only want them to put themselves out for you and not vice versa.

betty 13 hours is not minimal at all. It would be awfully hard on my DCs - but it would be a hell of a lot better than 23 hours.

seems to me you have a dh who could stay at home with your sn dc and you and the other 2 dc could go on the family holiday - compromise??

Children with Special needs can go on aeroplanes. If your parents are paying all the other fares, might you be able to fried to bring a helper that you pay for yourself? Do you have a friend who you can say - okay, I can't pay you but I can pay all the expenses for you to come with us for the experience and give us a hand with the kids? Have a think about what it might take for you to feel c

...comfortable with thi project and go for it! It's the stuff memories are made of!

But it is only 4 hours further away, so Florida is not as far as you thought

OP, lots of posters have suggested breaking up the flight with stopovers - I think this worth serious consideration.

I dunno, if my DS got very upset on a short flight I don't think 13 hours would be considerable either........I just think if you are willing to consider 13 hours then you could also consider 23. There must be one you can do with a stop over so it's not 23 hours in one hit.

Listen, I do understand how hurtful it is but seriously, if you take a step back, you will be able to see you are being unreasonable. You did chose to emigrate and your parents are willing to pay for a holiday that you are choosing not to go on. It is you who is putting the obstacles in the way, not them. This is their dream holiday, not las vegas, not half way but Florida. I am sure there is such a lot more to Florida than theme parks so even if your DC don't enjoy them then there would still be loads to do.

Don't chuck all your toys out the pram just because they don't want to change their plans for you.

I think you just need to accept that you can't see them this time. It sucks but it's a huge part of emigrating to a country that's such a long way away (I know, we emigrated to the UK and all my family are in Oz).

For your parents, Florida is what they want to do. It's a shorter flight, it's where your DF has dreamed of taking all the grandkids and Disney is much more child friendly, it's cheaper (kids go free/eat free deals, for example). It's unfortunate that you feel your kids can't manage the flight, but that's part of life sometimes. You can't always get what you want.

You made the choice to move, you need to accept that you've compromised your family relationships as a result and that people can't and won't always change their plans to accomodate you. A big group holiday to a hotel in Florida is not the same as staying with family in Australia. I go back to Australia to see family every 2 years or so, and it doesn't feel like a holiday. You spend the time catching up with everyone and I often get back and feel like I need another break.

You are not being punished but do appear to want everything your own way. You say your parents are lovely but selfish for believing your chidlren are your own to support. Translation they didnt provide enough childcare. Maybe they enjoy spending time with SIL and DN as they put themselves out and arent all me me me.

There are numerous ways to make this trip but as it involves compromise from you its unlikely to happen yet everyone else is expected to change their plans and dreams to suit. If you dont want to go then thats fine but dont deny them their dream trip. You cant then moan about not seeing them as you wont out yourself out to visit so why should they regardless of who pays.

OP, why are you still going on about a 23 journey?
Lots of people have said it is a 4-5 hour flight from Vegas to Florida and you haven't replied to why it is not possible to the repeated question of why you can't fly to Vegas, have a night there and then take the short flight on to Florida.

Can I just ask those posters who are saying there's no difference between 13 and 23 hr flights what their secret is?
As an adult, I find even the difference between 10 and 15 hr flight huge, let alone 13 and 23hrs. I've not spent more than 15hrs on a flight yet, I ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY know I would find 23hrs on a plane much much worse. I don't need to try it to confirm my feelings.

What I have an issue with is my DPs paying for my siblings and their families and using that as a reason not to visit my DCs. I just feel like I am being punished.

But you are not being punished. Your parents wanted to pay for you all too. You are the people who have declined the offer. They offered exactly the same to you as they have to your siblings.

Think of it the other way, Your parents go back on their offer and no longer pay to take your siblings and their children. Instead they chose to use the money to fly and visit you. Surely that then means your siblings are "being punished" if you look at it the way you are.

Your parents don't have to fly over and see you just because you chose to live at the other side of the world!

My DH and his family often bitch about how lacking mine are for not wanting to be here and it HURTS

I would also need to have VERY serious words with my DH and his family if they were bitching about my family, especially when they know it hurts you. How cruel is that? Disgusting behaviour to cause you even more pain! You have already said that your DH was always totally against it and that you tend to agree - does that mean you were willing to consider it initially, but your DH's view stops you from even being able to consider how it might be possible?

What I have an issue with is my DPs paying for my siblings and their families and using that as a reason not to visit my DCs. I just feel like I am being punished.

But you are not being punished. Your parents wanted to pay for you all too. You are the people who have declined the offer. They offered exactly the same to you as they have to your siblings.

Think of it the other way, Your parents go back on their offer and no longer pay to take your siblings and their children. Instead they chose to use the money to fly and visit you. Surely that then means your siblings are "being punished" if you look at it the way you are.

Your parents don't have to fly over and see you just because you chose to live at the other side of the world!

My DH and his family often bitch about how lacking mine are for not wanting to be here and it HURTS

I would also need to have VERY serious words with my DH and his family if they were bitching about my family, especially when they know it hurts you. How cruel is that? Disgusting behaviour to cause you even more pain! You have already said that your DH was always totally against it and that you tend to agree - does that mean you were willing to consider it initially, but your DH's view stops you from even being able to consider how it might be possible?

Hang on your parents were lovely when you were growing up and then when you had your DC they werent sufficiently interested or supportive and that was instrumental in emigrating ?

What was it your parents failed to do but now apparently are doing for their other GC ?

Your DH and his family comment and bitch about your family not visiting ?

YABU and you sound like someone always looking for slight where none was intended

It's hard being on the outside of the "inner" family circle. It's also hard as the parent of SN DCs, many of which the GPs don't fully understand and accept, particularly if they don't see the day to day reality all that much.

But, on the other hand, they have a dream holiday in mind. They have done a lot of holidays to you, and with your siblings. THEY want this trip to a particular destination.

There are lots of ideas and resources on the net for preparing DCs for things, including travelling by air. There are lots and lots of things you can have to keep them busy and occupied.

When we were going to Boston 2 years ago, while we hadn't yet got even into the dx cycle (we were waiting 15 months for the appointment) we DID know that DD had issues and we did a lot of preparation in advance of the trip about what it would be like. When preparing this time around, I had a better idea what I was looking for, and I found a great pack on Manchester airport's website, and Dublin airport too, to prepare autistic children for getting through the airport - look at those and also see if the airport(s) you would be using have anything. If not, you can make one up yourself using the pack from Dub/Man as a basis and taking photos from the websites of the airports you will use, and putting in pictures of the places you will see.

And we had a load of things with us to keep DD busy on board (and this was on the older planes with shared tvs in the ceiling - not individual screens in each seat). Travelling from Australia, I would be surprised if you are on a flight without individual screens, which will keep older DCs occupied for a long time (lots of choice). Printable colouring sheets and crayons/twistables (pencils not so great as need sharpeners), stickers, favourite toys and blankets, familiar snacks, having surprises wrapped up to open at intervals - and that's quite apart from iPods for your own music, iPads or laptops for own videos/dvds/games, DS games etc as familiar tech from home (I don't know what you might have, but presume you have some mobile tech that they use).

And don't forget that there are regular meals, and sleep times too, which will take some time out of the flight to distract them. Talk to your healthcare providers before you go to have options for changing time zones (even things like how to change any regular meds from Aus time to US time would be good to know, and the Dr may suggest something to help with sleep if needed).

OP, why are you still going on about a 23 journey?

I suspect the OP is in denial that travelling from Oz to Vegas or Florida are much of a muchness and needs to cling to 13 hours vs 23 to support her view that she's BU and the GPs ABU.

I don't understand how the flight to Florida can be 23 hours when you say that the flight to Vegas is 8 hours and a flight from Vegas to Orlando is 4.5 hrs.
Why can't you fly to vegas, have a few days there and then fly on to Florida ? Unless you are just cutting off your nose to spite your face of course....

Exactly mummyofone they didnt provide enough free childcare , I love the way people on MN use the the euphenism "support" for that !